Friend in need. [wife wants to loan her friend a large sum of money]

[Robert]

Folks, moderation has reviewed this thread and made some edits. Hopefully any further posting on this thread will not include references to a "lesbian" relationship as the OP has cleared that up.

 

Any posts that reference a "lesbian" relationship that are not substantiated by the OP will be infracted with points and a moderation period. Stick to the topic at hand instead of speculation.

 

Thank you,

 

~ V

[enddeck]

Nah, not the case. It's not up to him to teach her to be responsible. She either is or isn't. Some people just can't stand to see a dollar (or euro) lying in a bank account unspent. I know because I was marred to one.

 

In fact, I came home one day and found her there with a guy with papers to close on a home equity loan to pay off her credit cards. It was one of those open ended lines of credit where you can just keep on borrowing as long as you keep the interest paid up––like a credit card on steroids. Up to the value of the house.

 

This was after I had paid off her credit card balances twice before, both time with the agreement that she would cut up the cards and close the accounts. She didn't close the accounts and just ran them up again. She made a good salary, she just couldn't curtail the spendin

 

I refused to sign. She was livid, as was I. There's a lot more but I don't want to jack the thread.

 

I should've known because when we started dating she carried all of the money she had with her. She had no bank account. She got paid weekly and cashed the check in the store where she worked immediately. All she cared about was making it last 'til the next Friday.

 

I kept the saving out of reach just like OP because that's the only way there would be any savings. My mistake was marrying her to begin with... not a reluctance to give her access to the accounts.

 

My wife was the same she had never had a bank account and lived week to week.She only opened an account when her firm started paying wages direct to bank accounts.When we were dating she would never be able to go on a holiday or even a weekend away with friends because she never had any money.If she had any cash left on payday she would spend it on something stupid,she has wanted a tattoo for almost twenty years but has never been able to save enough to get the large one she wants and I don't really care for them so I'm not paying.I have had to pay this weeks rent for her but it's the last time I pay anything for her.

[ChickiePops]

Why did you have to pay her rent? Is the apartment in your name?

[enddeck]

Why did you have to pay her rent? Is the apartment in your name?

I didn't want her ar my house causing a scene.It was me that paid the deposit on the apt,also my firm get a lot of maintenance work from the building management company and I don't want to lose that.I don't own the firm but I am the general manager(foreman) so I also have a share in the profits.The apt manager has told me he will turn off the power on Thursday If I want him to but it may be worth it to keep her there for a while.

Edited July 26, 2016 by enddeck

[salparadise]

I didn't want her ar my house causing a scene.It was me that paid the deposit on the apt,also my firm get a lot of maintenance work from the building management company and I don't want to lose that.I don't own the firm but I am the general manager(foreman) so I also have a share in the profits.The apt manager has told me he will turn off the power on Thursday If I want him to but it may be worth it to keep her there for a while.

 

 

Now that you've removed the motive for Ann's befriending it's just a matter of time before that relationship implodes. In fact, since she's moved out of Ann's place and into the apartment it may have already.

 

Of course Ann is no dummy. She knows that your wife is likely to get a big payday if she divorces, and since your wife is gullible and under her influence it will be her payday too. This may be where the question came from when your wife asked, hypothetically, how much she would get (which is funny as hell, in a certain sense).

 

I wouldn't count on her not finding out how much money you have. The first thing that will happen if one of you files is that you will be required to provide a full accounting, and hiding assets from a court would not be a good strategy.

 

I'm guessing this will resolve as soon as Ann dumps your wife and finds a new target.

[enddeck]

Now that you've removed the motive for Ann's befriending it's just a matter of time before that relationship implodes. In fact, since she's moved out of Ann's place and into the apartment it may have already.

 

Of course Ann is no dummy. She knows that your wife is likely to get a big payday if she divorces, and since your wife is gullible and under her influence it will be her payday too. This may be where the question came from when your wife asked, hypothetically, how much she would get (which is funny as hell, in a certain sense).

 

I wouldn't count on her not finding out how much money you have. The first thing that will happen if one of you files is that you will be required to provide a full accounting, and hiding assets from a court would not be a good strategy.

 

I'm guessing this will resolve as soon as Ann dumps your wife and finds a new target.

There is no chance of anyone knowing where my money is.One place I visit regularly is Switzerland....

[enddeck]

So another week has gone by and my wife has finally paid her rent.I checked her with the building manager and he confirmed it had been paid.In sixteen years of marriage and her previous life with her parents this is the first time she has ever had to pay rent or for electricity in her life.

I called round today and she was just in from work so we chatted for a while and it was like old times.She said Ann has not been in contact all week.She admitted she had slept at Ann's house for a few nights but then Ann started hinting about having another go at getting money from me so she said that was not going to happen as my account was only in my name and it was not her money anyway.She says she realises she was stupid and that she would have to earn my trust back.She apparently had a chat with her colleagues about their spending habits and they were amazed that I paid for almost everything,she said they could not believe that she had no savings account or pension plan.

I would like to think this is true and she is genuinely trying to be more responsible but I will leave her in the apt for another while.

It was only when she left my home that I realised how well we normally get on and she was always great fun to be with so I'm praying she is being honest with me.Its just I have a feeling we haven't heard the last of Ann.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Cherryz]

You are rigth!

Im shocked about the amount of money she keep asking. WOW!

And also never pay back but still making more debt.

 

Eventhou it sound a bit like you act like you own all the money because you earn more.

You guys married and its both of you money.

 

But if your story is truth, i do see why its good that you manage the money.

Because your wife seem to `kind` and people seem to misuse her for that.

 

You have to have a calm talk with your wife, and let her know this women is using her. And she need to stand her ground. And that both of you need to agree before any money gos out. And you not a bank and she can go to a bank or people she been friends with all that time.

 

But if you choose to borrow her money, you can also choose to just borrow her the halve of it. And i agree with the person that said if you borrow her money again do it with a lawyer so

she also see that she cant walk in and out and take money here without consequences.

Beside its not you or your wife problem what money issues she have.

If she dont have the money to build house, she should have rent a room and save and build her home little by little.

Since she want to do it big knowing her situation shows also what kind of person she is and she may not even care to pay you.

And looking at the amount and the behavior i would step up at some point and adres this women yourself!

 

And make sure you add in the documentation when she should start paying and how much. And what consequences are if she miss a pay!

 

But before getting to that, also realize that this person is a grown up person and she is not your problem or responsibility.

If you choose to borrow her money, make sure you get on same page with your wife first.

And have a conversation with this women, and let her know your concerns and that she still haven't pay yet and when is she about to pay. And advice her to go to the bank!!!! Dont be easy about it. She keeps coming because she thinks you guys are a easy target.

 

If it was couple of 100´s for food ok. But what she asking for is luxury!

[enddeck]

You are rigth!

Im shocked about the amount of money she keep asking. WOW!

And also never pay back but still making more debt.

 

Eventhou it sound a bit like you act like you own all the money because you earn more.

You guys married and its both of you money.

 

But if your story is truth, i do see why its good that you manage the money.

Because your wife seem to `kind` and people seem to misuse her for that.

 

You have to have a calm talk with your wife, and let her know this women is using her. And she need to stand her ground. And that both of you need to agree before any money gos out. And you not a bank and she can go to a bank or people she been friends with all that time.

 

But if you choose to borrow her money, you can also choose to just borrow her the halve of it. And i agree with the person that said if you borrow her money again do it with a lawyer so

she also see that she cant walk in and out and take money here without consequences.

Beside its not you or your wife problem what money issues she have.

If she dont have the money to build house, she should have rent a room and save and build her home little by little.

Since she want to do it big knowing her situation shows also what kind of person she is and she may not even care to pay you.

And looking at the amount and the behavior i would step up at some point and adres this women yourself!

 

And make sure you add in the documentation when she should start paying and how much. And what consequences are if she miss a pay!

 

But before getting to that, also realize that this person is a grown up person and she is not your problem or responsibility.

If you choose to borrow her money, make sure you get on same page with your wife first.

And have a conversation with this women, and let her know your concerns and that she still haven't pay yet and when is she about to pay. And advice her to go to the bank!!!! Dont be easy about it. She keeps coming because she thinks you guys are a easy target.

 

If it was couple of 100´s for food ok. But what she asking for is luxury!

Thank you for taking the time to comment,I appreciate the advice.

[Cherryz]

I agree with you to a certain extent.As long as my wife was happy she could do what she wanted with her own income and live in my house.Its when she wants to give my money to a parasite like her friend that I draw the line.I may not be getting my point across but it was either I look after finances or nobody would.I still love my wife and want her back but I will find it very hard to trust her with my money.

 

 

Hm, somehow something in the way you speak about your wife bothers me alot!

She is your wife and for very long, but you speak like you are superior to her.

Like a dad child relationship or a boss / worker relationship.

 

You do talk down alot on her. And also like you protect yourself from her all the time somehow.

You dont speak about her as equal and as one.

But like you talking about some roommate you just met and you are looking out for your own just and to be safe with yourself.

You talk alot about your money and your house.

 

Eventhou i read a bit your other post, it seem like something happen and she moved out and is asking you about her halve if she divorce you-

Maybe this is a ´punch´ for her to wake up and take care of her financial status as wife. Since you are all about securing your own from day one.

 

Which is fine at some degree. But i think if you married it should be more about us. then about me and you!

Edited July 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[enddeck]

Hm, somehow something in the way you speak about your wife bothers me alot!

She is your wife and for very long, but you speak like you are superior to her.

Like a dad child relationship or a boss / worker relationship.

 

You do talk down alot on her. And also like you protect yourself from herm all the time somehow.

You dont speak about her as equal and as one.

But like you talking about some roommate you just met and you are looking out for your own just and to be safe with yourself.

You talk alot about your money and your house.

 

Eventhou i read a bit your other post, it seem like something happen and she moved out and is asking you about her halve if she divorce you-

Maybe this is a ´punch´ for her to wake up and take care of her financial status as wife. Since you are all about securing your own from day one.

 

Which is fine at some degree. But i think if you married it should be more about us. then about me and you!

 

I have read the entire thread again and I agree I don't come across as a very nice guy.You have to realise that my wife and her friend were basically plotting to steal twenty thousand euro of my(not my wife's) money.And that may only have been for starters because once they had the account number and sort code they could have emptied the account.I was devastated and still am.Why should I subsidise someone's lifestyle at the expense of my own.

Edited July 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Cherryz]

I have read the entire thread again and I agree I don't come across as a very nice guy.You have to realise that my wife and her friend were basically plotting to steal twenty thousand euro of my(not my wife's) money.And that may only have been for starters because once they had the account number and sort code they could have emptied the account.I was devastated and still am.Why should I subsidise someone's lifestyle at the expense of my own.

You call me sick!

 

 

I react on what i read so far. No one have time to read whole topic.

But i did read some of it.

And you should have make better choices in picking a wife if its because of her that you say you talk just about YOUR stuff.

 

Even-thou what you say may be true, it sound like you are that way either-way. Rather she wanted to get your money or no.

Thats just your mentality.?!

 

And it looks like you knew who you were gonna marry with.

So you knew what was coming your way.

 

Beside it almost start sounding like a power thing about money.......

who can get more money or protect their money etc.

Where is the love?

It looks like things are way different then we know. And before "ann"came into the picture.

Because you did secure YOUR stuff from the start and kept it secret till now.

So it do look like you had no trust in this person etc. entering this marriage.

But either way its not my business. Its just something i noticed.

 

Dont get me wrong. at some degree i do think its good to secure yourself.

Even-thou many people also marry and invest in each-other and split everything 50%. But this does not seem like there is much trust. But more protecting your money and stuff from her.

 

I hope you guys get true this, what ever it mean. Good-luck.

Edited July 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BettyDraper]

I agree with you to a certain extent.As long as my wife was happy she could do what she wanted with her own income and live in my house.Its when she wants to give my money to a parasite like her friend that I draw the line.I may not be getting my point across but it was either I look after finances or nobody would.I still love my wife and want her back but I will find it very hard to trust her with my money.

 

I find it disturbing that you refer to the home you shared with your wife as "MY house" and any income as "MY money." I completely understand why you were wary of giving your wife financial control since she is clearly quite irresponsible. I don't blame you for not wanting to lend a large amount of money to her friend. However, marriage is a partnership and thinking of everything as only yours is destructive and selfish.

 

My husband is the breadwinner but we share money and our house is not just "his." People assume that because he earns the income it means that I have no power. Not every traditional husband uses money to treat his wife as if she is inferior to him.

[BettyDraper]

Nah, not the case. It's not up to him to teach her to be responsible. She either is or isn't. Some people just can't stand to see a dollar (or euro) lying in a bank account unspent. I know because I was marred to one.

 

In fact, I came home one day and found her there with a guy with papers to close on a home equity loan to pay off her credit cards. It was one of those open ended lines of credit where you can just keep on borrowing as long as you keep the interest paid up––like a credit card on steroids. Up to the value of the house.

 

This was after I had paid off her credit card balances twice before, both time with the agreement that she would cut up the cards and close the accounts. She didn't close the accounts and just ran them up again. She made a good salary, she just couldn't curtail the spending.

 

I refused to sign. She was livid, as was I. There's a lot more but I don't want to jack the thread.

 

I should've known because when we started dating she carried all of the money she had with her. She had no bank account. She got paid weekly and cashed the check in the store where she worked immediately. All she cared about was making it last 'til the next Friday.

 

I kept the saving out of reach just like OP because that's the only way there would be any savings. My mistake was marrying her to begin with... not a reluctance to give her access to the accounts.

 

Couples need to be on the same page financially. I used to spend far too much money on marijuana when I was using that substance to escape pain from my past. I made a complete change once we decided to buy a house. I no longer smoke, I contribute to household expenses and I watch every penny. My husband is very proud of my changes and I understand why he is still wary as I have only been sober for less than a year.

 

Our goals are saving for retirement, building a bigger nest egg and investing. I'm pleased that no longer smoking has made my mind clearer and caused me do develop a more mature attitude towards money.