Boyfriend has a gaming addiction

[aQQa]

This morning, my BF and I argued about his gaming habits, which he admitted himself he has an addiction. Whenever we spend time at each other's places, his phone rarely leaves his hands and he's always playing games on it. We'll still talk, but sometimes it feels one-sided.

 

When we woke up this morning, he was on his phone for about half an hour before I got frustrated and argued how he should put more effort into communicating with me. I hadn't seen him in 4 days due to school/work, so I wanted to catch up and talk or just anything. I admit I should have been more calm, but I was so fed up with trying to make conversation and being ignored. He became defensive and said the topics I talk about are boring and he just doesn't want to talk to me while he's doing something. Ok I'll accept that, but we see each other about 2-3 times a week, so he has plenty of alone time IMO. I just don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to refrain from playing games (not completely, but just not as often) when I'm currently with him. His response was that he already cuts down a lot of gaming time when he's with me, but he still plays quite often when around me. Enough to upset me, at least.

 

I enjoy playing video games too and I even play with him quite frequently, but my life definitely does not revolve around it. As mentioned above, he agrees that he has a video game addiction. He said he's perfectly content with being alone in his apt playing games all day, that it's too much effort to even walk out the door sometimes. He doesn't really care about anything, not even his schoolwork.

 

So recently, I decided we should go on dates. (We didn't go on any at the beginning.) That worked, and our relationship improved because we had each other's full attention, and he didn't bring out his phone at all. I really enjoy them, and I suggested we should try to go on one every weekend. It doesn't even have to be a restaurant; even a walk in the park would suffice. Today, he complained that while he enjoys the dates and does it to make me happy, it's still "too much effort" and "feels like a chore" to go every weekend. Granted, he could have said this because he was angry during our argument, but I was seriously upset and made me wonder if it's even worth staying in the relationship.

 

I'm trying to put up with this because I do love and care about him. His good qualities are really good, such as being truthful and kind. He'll oftentimes do things for me even if it's against his will just so I'm happy, but the fact that some reasonable things (IMO) are against his will in the first place is what bothers me (e.g. making the effort to go on dates more often). Sometimes he feels like a burden because of his lack of care and laziness, and that maybe I'm not growing while I'm with him. I am really contemplating whether I should continue this relationship. I'd love to hear opinions from a different perspective.

 

Also I apologize for seeming jumbled and frustrated right now. I know I am still immature. I can try to explain better if needed.

Edited July 8, 2016 by aQQa

[CarrieT]

Sometimes he feels like a burden because of his lack of care and laziness, and that maybe I'm not growing while I'm with him.

Or, maybe you are growing to the extent that you now see a future with him is not possible because he wants time with his phone more than you...

 

I am really contemplating whether I should continue this relationship.

I wouldn't. Because you started this thread, I think you already know what to do and are just looking for help on how to do it.

 

I know I am still immature. I can try to explain better if needed.

All evidence to the contrary: I think you are showing a great deal of maturity in wanting something more than someone who has their phone permanently attached to their person.

[Els]

I'm not against games, I'm a gamer myself - and yes I think you should break up with him. He is clearly putting ZERO effort into your relationship. One date a week is really not too much at all to ask for, especially when you are a new couple with no kids. And being on the phone ALL the time when you go to his house is just plain disrespectful. He doesn't even make the effort to do well in school or work, which will be a HUGE issue for the two of you if you stay together for the long term. You can do better, trust me.

 

I do think you probably shouldn't have set the precedent of just 'hanging out' all the time and then only starting to suggest dates later on in the relationship. With the next guy, if going out on dates is important to you (which is perfectly normal), make sure you 'date' before establishing the habit of going over to their house. That way you can ascertain compatibility earlier.

[aQQa]

Thanks so much, CarrieT and Elswyth. I did what I had to do and ended the relationship with him yesterday. Even up until the point of breakup, he just showed no signs of care anymore. I was bawling while he just sat there.

 

For example, I asked if he's willing to change. To be a better person by finding ambition and goals in life outside of his apartment playing games. I said I'd be more than glad to help him grow and move forward with his life. He bluntly said no. He's perfectly content the way he is and he'll change at his own pace. Although I offered to help, he said I "don't have the luxury to help [him] change."

 

He also said his level of care dropped significantly after our very first argument at the beginning of our relationship (I know, right?). He holds grudges against me; if I argued with him, he said he'll "make sure to take [me] down." Hence why he's not motivated to put as much effort as before and doesn't care whether he sees me or not anymore. His excuse was always that I'm just in denial that the honeymoon stage is over, and it's unrealistic for him to always put in as much effort as the very beginning.

 

Granted, I was always the one who started arguments and I should have approached them better. I really tried, but they always escalated because he makes it worse. But I believe my problems were reasonable: his dirty room (he found a cockroach once), his lack of motivation in school/life, and his lack of empathy overall, even towards me and his family. He doesn't have a care in the world (his words)!

 

He is also very selfish and sees me as average in terms of intelligence; meanwhile he labels himself as smart. Despite the fact that I often achieve higher grades than him, he discredits it and says it's only because he's lazy; if he actually did work, he claims he'd do better than me. Whether true or not, I did not even want to compete with him in the first place....

 

I apologize for babbling so much... I really needed to vent and wanted to share my experience. It was only after we broke up that I started seeing his true nasty colors and how mistreated I was. I am frustrated I wasted so many tears and patience for this a-hole. I cared so much about him and his personal well-being. His last words were he knows it's his loss in the end, but then why is he doing this?

 

Again, thank you all for opening my eyes.

 

 

___________________

 

 

 

If anyone can give me advice, I would really appreciate it. How can you filter out the bad ones when they can change completely? What's the general rule on how long I should wait before moving forward?

 

My now ex bf was initially so patient, kind, understanding, friendly, and loving. He'd go out of his way for me and was eager to see me every day. Then he got way too comfortable and our relationship went downhill quickly.

Edited July 14, 2016 by aQQa
Added more details

[Els]

So glad you broke up with him, OP! He sounds like a real loser.

 

I don't think there's any way to guarantee 100% that people will never change. But you can improve your odds by being up-front about what you need from a relationship. I think you said he never took you out on dates even at the start of your relationship? To me that would be a huge red flag from the very beginning, as I think it's rather lazy and lacking in effort, or at the very least incompatible with what I need.

 

So, for instance, in the future it might be a good idea to just not get into a relationship with guys who don't ask you out on dates at the start, since dates are important to you. Basically, be confident in who you are and unapologetic about what you need, and that will be a decent filter.

 

All the best!

[aQQa]

So glad you broke up with him, OP! He sounds like a real loser.

 

I don't think there's any way to guarantee 100% that people will never change. But you can improve your odds by being up-front about what you need from a relationship. I think you said he never took you out on dates even at the start of your relationship? To me that would be a huge red flag from the very beginning, as I think it's rather lazy and lacking in effort, or at the very least incompatible with what I need.

 

So, for instance, in the future it might be a good idea to just not get into a relationship with guys who don't ask you out on dates at the start, since dates are important to you. Basically, be confident in who you are and unapologetic about what you need, and that will be a decent filter.

 

All the best!

 

Thank you! I needed to hear that. He didn't take me out on dates since we were comfortable how we were. But you are absolutely right, and I'll definitely be more selective next time. All the best to you too.