Lost. Will contacting an ex after a year be wortwhile, fair?

[Everydayconfused]

Story you've probably heard a thousand times. I had a relationship with an ex in my early 20s that lasted a year. First true love, a relationship where we both helped each other grow and shared one of those rare, sacred bonds. Wasn't perfect, nothing is, but we were overwhelming positive for each other. No abuse or serious fights, just a kind, caring love for each other.

 

A year in I developed fears that we wouldn't be best for each other and that it would only be fair to end things if I had these doubts when she didn't. My fear came from observing dysfunctional relationships that have surrounded me my whole life. I wanted to avoid that and avoid hurting another person. We both definitely had emotional baggage from our past; not things that made us hurt each other, but things I believed we could only work through on our own.

 

From their perspective I ended the relationship suddenly and at the time didn't understand my motivations and past well enough to communicate exactly why I made the decision. I know the way I handled it hurt the person immensely and shattered their heart even though I thought it was the best for both of us. Knowing I hurt them broke my heart and I didn't know how to process what happened and didn't know what would help her most going forward. Wanted to talk but stuck to no contact because I thought it would hurt her least and I wasn't yet able to confront my past and what I'd done.

 

It's been a little over a year since the end. I've had a lot of realizations about myself and why I ended the relationship in that time. My past has led me to build up walls and run away from intimacy in order to avoid the pain I saw in my family's relationships. I also realized that I never fully processed our breakup and I've carried around an immense amount of guilt over how I ended things with no explanation. Given her past, I know that was bad for her. I haven't been able to fully move on and step out of the patterns of my past.

 

I've thought about it a lot recently and have decided I can't keep avoiding the past. I have to confront it and reach closure to grow as a person. For months I've had occasional thoughts about contacting my ex but avoided it and wasn't sure if it would just hurt them. Just this week I've stopped avoiding all these issues and confronted the reality of how I've felt. I want to contact my ex and if they're willing to talk give an explanation for the things that made me leave so abruptly. I want to apologize for how I was unable to communicate and let her know my past, not anything she did, made me leave. I want to validate how important the relationship was to me and let her know she helped me grow and love myself better because given what I know about the baggage from her past that could help her reach closure and personal growth. But I can never know for sure.

 

Anyway, I wanted to give myself a week to think about it and won't reach out at least for a few more days. Sometimes I'm sure it's the right thing to do other times I'm totally unsure. I think it would be beneficial for her but I don't know. I think my big fear that's made me avoid confronting the issue is that I fear my personal past made me abruptly leave and that that was a mistake and that by fully confronting what happened I'd realize I still love her but also find that by leaving I ruined something that was beautiful in a way that will prevent it from ever coming back. I'm prepared to accept that the past will not come back. But the guilt of hurting her without a clear reason and the feeling that there's an enormous loose end is preventing me from fully opening myself up to others. I'm lost, I don't know.

Edited July 8, 2016 by Everydayconfused

[SevenCity]

Well I'm a dude so here's my take: my ex broke my heart, called me a year later to say "it's not you, it's me" to make himself feel better.

 

You are only doing this to make yourself feel better. It will do nothing for her.

 

IF she reaches out to you then sure. But otherwise check your motivation.

 

I had a ****ty breakup with my ex wife and often wanted to apologize. I realize that she is better off not hearing from me. No need to reopen old wounds.

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

It depends on the whole situation how your relationship was, how abrupt really ended. Let me tell you a story I had in the past so you can make your own decision. I am a little unfair to the whole situation so you'll have to decide for yourself here goes:

 

When I was around 17-18 years of age I had a girl I liked and chased for 2 years straight. She eventually broke up with her boyfriend and we hooked up. We dated for a couple of months and I was happy. One day I took her home to make love - our first time. This was my first time and I was mildly saying... a plank in bed. So when the time came for me to you know.. she just stood up and I just looked her puzzled because it was already THAT time. Well this is awkward but I can't explain it better

 

So when I returned from the bathroom she was standing there all dressed up and crying on the window. She said you will leave me now after this. I said while dressing up "No no what are you saying absolutely not" but after that time it seems ALL my feelings just washed away and I dumped her a couple of days later.

 

A couple of years later and I realized what I had done so I messaged her on FB saying I realize that now and I am sorry for my stupid action. She said that she is glad I realized that at all and to never do the same thing to a girl again. That was it. I can't even remember feeling comfort for saying it, nor I think she did. My opinion don't apologize what's done is done.

 

Furthermore I wanted to apologize to my current ex but she did wrong by me too and she is the one who dumped me. Why should I be the one to apologize when she did so wrong too right? I think it's just the fact I lack self respect and confidence. Don't do that mistake to open old wounds just move on. Regardless what you have to say you must know your paths are not crossing ever again. Even in some ungodly chance you are destined to be with each other a time may come that you can tell her those words but I don't think it is worth to do it. It is in the past...

[bummer]

Do it. Absolve the guilt. You're the ghost dumper with insecurities you wish to own now. Congrats.

 

But let us vet your message before hand to make sure you don't inadvertently leave loose ends and false hopes on the page.

 

Your goal is for yourself to feel better. She may ignore it, accept it, or hate your guts for dropping another bomb on her a year later.

 

Search the forum for "contact after a year" threads and see how many dumpees are joyed to have received a passive aggressive love letter coded as apology.

 

You wrote:

that by fully confronting what happened I'd realize I still love her but also find that by leaving I ruined something that was beautiful in a way that will prevent it from ever coming back. I'm prepared to accept that the past will not come back.

 

Wait. Are you ready to accept its over? The past will never come back. No zombie love for you. Just write us instead. I accept your apology on her behalf.

[lolablue17]

First, be honest with yourself. Do you want her back?

[gaig]

Well I'm a dude so here's my take: my ex broke my heart, called me a year later to say "it's not you, it's me" to make himself feel better.

 

You are only doing this to make yourself feel better. It will do nothing for her.

 

IF she reaches out to you then sure. But otherwise check your motivation.

 

I had a ****ty breakup with my ex wife and often wanted to apologize. I realize that she is better off not hearing from me. No need to reopen old wounds.

 

Absolutely agree with the dude here.. Write to her ONLY if you are *abso-****ing-seriously* determined to pursue whatever possibilities you might have anymore to start a *new* relationships with her. If you want that..

 

Don't just call to say "oh it was my past, it was all about my past, blah, blah, my past.." You will annoy the **** out of her.

 

And it sounds like you don't want that