I Keep Reminding Myself of Why

[SunLeaves]

I've been quietly lurking for a while, but I need somewhere to ramble and I don't want to burden unwilling people with my particular brand of crazy right now.

 

I'm soon to be moving out of the house I've shared with my STBXH for almost 12 years. My daughter, our pets, we're moving across town to a house I'm hoping to close on by the end of the month.

 

I know I'm a lot luckier than many other soon-to-be-single moms. I have a good career (I greatly out earn him) and great credit, so even though I technically have a mortgage, the lender is not having any issues.

 

I've surprised at how well I'm coping -- I was miserable for so long, fantasizing about leaving, about terrible things like him getting into an accident. I used to hope I'd walk in on him on top of some bimbo so I could leave with really righteous anger instead of facing all the emotional and verging on physical abuse I've endured all these years.

 

I'm not perfect -- I used to struggle with my temper in the early years of our relationship, but I moved past that, found better ways to cope with it. But he's the kind of person who can never forgive others and always 'forgets' what he did.

 

So many times he'd do these terrible things when he was drunk -- hell, before we were married on the one year anniversary of us meeting he got drunk and tried to strangle me in a hotel room. But I forgave him and in the morning he conveniently forgot it ever happened. To this day, he won't admit it. That was just one of many incidents where he changes history, but the one time I threw a glass (at the floor, not at him) while 10 weeks pregnant and after he threatened to leave me after pushing me so relentlessly to get pregnant? Well, that was proof of my abusive nature and what a terrible person I am.

 

I'm having such a hard time sorting out what really happened. I remember -- I don't drink and when I do it's only a little. I don't have blackouts and I've never slept under a bush in the yard after being convinced the neighbors tried to rob me (that happened at least a few times over the years...nothing was ever stolen, just misplaced until he sobered up.) He tells me he's not an alcoholic because he doesn't drink every day. He told me the bruises and scratches from the wood he violently knocked out of my hand when he grabbed me by the shirt to scream in my face, well that was just 'melodrama' and if I called the cops (again) they'd arrest me because I forced him to do it.

 

I did call the cops once. He was drunk and threatening suicide and I wrestled a gun case away from him. I was terrified he had another gun somewhere. He lied to them, told them I was crazy but they didn't believe him. They kept insisting he tell the truth until they finally gave up and made a friend come get him.

 

He's still mad at me, as if I did something terrible because I was afraid for his life.

 

Even with all this, I keep thinking, what about that one time I slapped him to stop a fight he was trying really hard to get into with a great big guy who could have creamed him into the dirt? What about breaking down and calling him an ******* when he'd been screaming at me for hours? Shouldn't I have known better? Am I really this terrible manipulative, abusive person he always says I am?

 

There's no witnesses to most of this -- and the few there are? They're either long since alienated from us or his drinking buddies. Why would they remember or even care who was at fault when there was all that screaming?

 

Since we made the decision, the house has been eerie. I'm living upstairs, he's on the main floor. We avoid each other, but he's still taking advantage -- eating the food I buy, letting me clean up after him (I would just leave it, but I still have to live here and I can't stand it.)

 

I'm fairly certain he's tried to cheat -- I did the bad sneaky thing and checked his emails -- he was messaging people of Craigslist on VALENTINE'S DAY when I got him and our daughter and my mom all gifts and he utterly ignored me. I can't see that he's had any success, though it's possible he's dating a former employee of his little company (the one that makes so little money I don't think he even realizes how broke he's going to be) But honestly, it doesn't matter. Is he sleeping with someone? I don't know. Does it change anything? No, not really except to give me something less tenuous as a reason to leave.

 

I'm also so afraid he's going to forget about his daughter; so many days he only sees her for 5-10 minutes and we live with him. What's going to happen when she's out of sight? Out of mind too?

 

Mostly, I just want to know how to sort this all out. If I'm ever to move on, I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I don't think I'm abusive, I don't think I'm manipulative...then again my ex boyfriend from prior said the same thing, but only months after we broke up and after I met the STBX. Was he jealous? Or am I really so terrible I shouldn't even consider being with someone again?

 

 

 

 

Wow. That was a novel. But it felt really good to get that all out there.

[OpenBook]

Mostly, I just want to know how to sort this all out. If I'm ever to move on, I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I don't think I'm abusive, I don't think I'm manipulative...then again my ex boyfriend from prior said the same thing, but only months after we broke up and after I met the STBX. Was he jealous? Or am I really so terrible I shouldn't even consider being with someone again?

 

No, it's just your picker's off. You keep picking the wrong guy for you! If there's any way to speed up the process of getting away from your STBX, I'd take it. Between the two of you, you have created a vortex of destruction - and the sooner it is dismantled and dissipated, the better.

 

You don't have to sort everything out right this minute. You'll have plenty of time to sift through all of that later... and it's always better to figure out stuff when you're no longer in the middle of it and can be more clear-headed and objective. Don't worry about defining the future for now. Just keep moving - away from that!

[Mr. Lucky]

Mostly, I just want to know how to sort this all out. If I'm ever to move on, I don't want to make the same mistakes again.

 

I've learned to trust the old saying that "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".

 

hell, before we were married on the one year anniversary of us meeting he got drunk and tried to strangle me in a hotel room.

 

So when something like this happens early in a relationship - sayonara. Life's too short for this level of drama and BS...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Angelica21]

SunLeaves,

 

I'm glad you wrote your story.

 

Move into your new house, get the divorce finalized, and then just breathe for a while.

 

Provide a stable, loving and fun home for your daughter and yourself. Relax and recover emotionally from living with an alcoholic.

 

Please don't look for another romantic relationship until a relatively long time has passed.

 

Go see a counselor who will help you to understand yourself better, and help you to identify your "good" characteristics and "bad" characteristics, and help you to improve whatever you want to improve.

 

Examine what anger really is, and what manipulation really is, and then decide if you're okay in those areas or need some improvements.

 

As far as your stbx's time spent with your daughter, get all that in writing in the Joint Parenting Agreement (JPA) as well as some language that gives you some control and flexibility re: whether he is drunk when he is with her.

 

You're going in a positive direction, so try to maintain peace of mind every day.

[sdel79]

SunLeaves,

My heart breaks for you. I have gone through so many similar things with my husband. Alcoholism is a nightmare and I'll never understand it. And I do believe your husband is an alcoholic. He may not drink everyday, but choosing it over you is a sure sign.

 

I had the same feelings of guilt over how angry I would get. He would drink and get so mean and belligerent. I would scream at him and say horrible things, that he would later bring up as if he had done nothing wrong and I was a horrible person. The two of us together, feeding off of each others anger, was a horrible combination.

 

As far as moving on and not making the same mistakes, I struggle with this as well. My mom told me early in my marriage, "what you allow is what will continue". I realize I had no boundaries, I had no expectations. There were no lines drawn early on. Now I know, what I will put up with and what I will not.

 

I hope you find peace in your heart and things get easier for you.

[lbjanieb]

First of all, forget bringing up the ex-boyfriend - wasn't that more than 12 years ago? I'm sure you've changed since then. No one is perfect. I've been through my share of gaslighting, making me think the whole problem was ME, when it was maybe like 2%. Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

You have got to get help/counsel/support because you need truth and perspective. Somehow I think you're going to be okay. In fact, I think you will be surprised at how nice a peaceful life can be. It was a breath of fresh air for me, once I purged the bad memories. It will take a long time to heal from this so be kind and patient with yourself. I read The Emotionally Abused Woman and was floored at how many of those things were me! How did I let myself take so much crap?

 

Maybe I shouldn't but I actually feel a little for the STBXH because he's going to crash hard and realize how much damage he's caused. Maybe it would not be a bad thing for him to have some space from your daughter as well. He needs to get his act together and she does not need to witness him being ugly to her mother. Not seeing her make even give him more impetus to get the help he needs.

 

First just take care of yourself - give yourself some space to think things through. Don't decide the rest of your life in a day! You will gain clarity and perhaps even some sympathy for him, but note that does not mean taking abuse ever! You can heal and change and certainly have hope of having something better in the future. You have to first purge yourself of the lies you've been told about yourself. Please get some counseling to help you sort it out.

[SunLeaves]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I'm just struggling with being mad and I alternate between being mad at myself and mad at him. He was here for maybe 10 minutes today, spend most of it regaling us with stories about work and then left to go drinking. He's living like a frat boy; which was the thing he was so vocal about NOT being.

 

I'm frustrated. I don't know if he was just better at putting on a show, or if I just saw what I wanted to all those years. Probably a good combination of both.

 

I'm in zero rush to involve anyone other than friends in my life -- but I've lost most of them due to both his behavior and my withdrawing because of it. Mostly I'm just trying to hang on until I can close on the house and get us some space.

 

Sad thing is, he's acting exactly the same as he did before, as if this doesn't mean anything to him at all. He's sleeping, eating, going out to play and I feel like a wreck. I'm going through the motions, but its obvious to everyone that I'm not okay.

 

I wish I could hang on to those short moments of feeling relieved. The first few days after we made the decision, I was elated. I was finally going to be free of all this bull...but it's tenuous and slippery.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sad thing is, he's acting exactly the same as he did before, as if this doesn't mean anything to him at all. He's sleeping, eating, going out to play and I feel like a wreck. I'm going through the motions, but its obvious to everyone that I'm not okay.

 

This was tailormade for you:

 

The 180

 

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

2. No frequent phone calls.

 

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

 

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

 

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

 

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

 

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

 

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

 

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

 

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

 

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

 

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

 

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

 

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

 

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

 

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

 

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

 

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

 

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

 

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

 

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

 

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

 

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

 

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

 

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

 

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

 

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

 

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

 

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

 

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

 

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

 

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life.

 

Mr. Lucky

[SixxChick]

Gawd, did I need the 180 two years ago. There's some good stuff in there.

 

Good luck to you, SunLeaves. As hard as it is, it sounds like you've got this.

[lbjanieb]

I'm just struggling with being mad and I alternate between being mad at myself and mad at him.

 

Sad thing is, he's acting exactly the same as he did before, as if this doesn't mean anything to him at all. He's sleeping, eating, going out to play and I feel like a wreck. I'm going through the motions, but its obvious to everyone that I'm not okay.

 

I wish I could hang on to those short moments of feeling relieved. The first few days after we made the decision, I was elated. I was finally going to be free of all this bull...but it's tenuous and slippery.

 

That is normal, to feel alternating anger at yourself and him. He's acting the same because he's in denial. Somehow he thinks that you will work it out/stay together/ or some version of him always having you there in case he decides to get it together. You on the other hand are feeling that way because you're living in reality and grieving the relationship. This is normal, too. Allow yourself to feel the pain and that much sooner you'll be able to properly heal. I promise, it will get better...

[SunLeaves]

Oh I'm definitely doing the 180 on the outside, this is more how I feel on the inside.

 

But it just hit me hard, I'm glad I didn't let more time pass between the question of "should we" and forcing the issue. I let the limbo go on for about a month before I insisted he make a choice.

 

And what a terrible thing it would have been if he'd chosen to keep trying. It's like a penguin trying to fly -- it was never going to get off the ground, no matter how hard those little wings flapped.

 

I still have so much to sort through, so much to process but this is the first time in a while I wasn't convinced this was all just him being stupid and if he'd just been willing to try? But I'm so glad he gave up. I'm tired of all the nonsense.

[SunLeaves]

I'm trying very hard to be a reasonable, calm person but it would be nice if he'd refrain from posting photos of the girls he's trying to bang on facebook until after I move out.

 

 

I really need to unfollow him and not look. I can't disconnect entirely -- there are family things that still need to be dealt with for now...but I really need to get this house business squared away. It's so hard not to just blow up at him ever 5 minutes.

 

 

I'm so mad at myself for putting up with this crap for so long.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm trying very hard to be a reasonable, calm person but it would be nice if he'd refrain from posting photos of the girls he's trying to bang on facebook until after I move out. I really need to unfollow him and not look.

 

The 180

 

1. Don’t pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SunLeaves]

I didn't go looking -- they just appeared on my feed. I unfollowed him and hopefully that'll prevent me from seeing it again.

 

 

I 1000% do not want him, so begging is the last thing on my mind. I just wish he had the class to wait for the corpse to be cold -- but I suppose if he had any class, we wouldn't be here....

[lbjanieb]

I didn't go looking -- they just appeared on my feed. I unfollowed him and hopefully that'll prevent me from seeing it again.

 

 

I 1000% do not want him, so begging is the last thing on my mind. I just wish he had the class to wait for the corpse to be cold -- but I suppose if he had any class, we wouldn't be here....

 

Been there, done that. My guess is all this is a way to keep you engaged in the smaller arguments so you have no energy for the larger fight. He might try every trick in the book to get a response from you so be prepared mentally. Don't expect class from him - even if it doesn't seem so, I bet he's in desparation mode trying hard to keep things as is and not grow up. But he also might try a turnaround, too, to act like he's really trying this time so be prepared to have in mind exactly what that would take from him. Most of all give it and yourself time.

[Lois_Griffin]

I didn't go looking -- they just appeared on my feed. I unfollowed him and hopefully that'll prevent me from seeing it again.

 

 

I 1000% do not want him, so begging is the last thing on my mind. I just wish he had the class to wait for the corpse to be cold -- but I suppose if he had any class, we wouldn't be here....

Classless, abusive, alcoholic losers like himself will always act with no intelligence, integrity, or decency. His type doesn't know how to act any other way but the way he's acting now.

 

The only difference is that YOU won't be there to bankroll the underemployed drunk anymore, or to pay all the bills while he fritters away what little me makes on booze. Nor will you be there to clean up after his sorry, lazy ass every single day.

 

I see that as a huge, colossal WIN for you.

 

He's a complete failure as a husband, a complete failure as a father, and a complete failure as a human being.

 

SunLeaves, don't expect much from Father of the Year as far as him spending time with your daughter or being a decent parent to her. He never has been, so why would that change now? And no, he wasn't a good father in the past if he was beating up her mother, abusing her mother, and getting drunk when the mood struck him. That's a failure as a father.

 

The only regret you should have is that you didn't leave him LONG before now.

[The_Onceler]

I didn't go looking -- they just appeared on my feed. I unfollowed him and hopefully that'll prevent me from seeing it again.

 

 

I 1000% do not want him, so begging is the last thing on my mind. I just wish he had the class to wait for the corpse to be cold -- but I suppose if he had any class, we wouldn't be here....

 

Oh my goodness - I grew up around alcoholic parents, so I have some empathy, although my current situation seems like a walk-in-the-park next to your story. I sincerely hope you find your way to some happiness and sanity soon, for both you and your daughter.

 

As silly as it sounds, I needed to unfollow my soon-to-be ex girlfriend (we were never legally married, so...) on Facebook. She wasn't parading around photos of other guys, but she was doing other more subtle things that would tweak me up. I felt much more calm and at ease after letting all of that go. I suspect you will find the same.