Help with rebuilding trust and dealing with emotional abuse

[boomer3232]

I am in a relationship and have been for about 3 1/2 months the woman I am with I love very much. But in here previous marriage in which she has been divorced for over a year when we met she was married 8 yrs but was with him 11yrs. He emotionally abused her so granted to say when I pay her a complement its hard for her to believe it...Her bitterness and negative attitude seems to be there alot.

Can someone love someone else if they don’t like them selves? Now for my part due to the insecurities of her past relationship and her insecurities with her appearance. I chose not to tell her that I was being a friend and only a friend to and old girlfriend...so dumby me lied to her about the things I was doing when we first met.

A girl I was seeing off and on for sex mainly…… contacted me about two weeks prior to me meeting my current girlfriend...me and the x were broke up when she contacted me no sex...and told me her mother was dying of terminal cancer having gone through this ordeal my self I could very much relate to her pain. Well long story short I meet my new girlfriend and fell in love and have not slept with anyone else...but I did go to my x's house several times while me and my current girlfriend were dating to be there for here with her mother that’s all overnight I might add....well the x found out about the current and called the current girlfriend and filled her head with lies!!!....so my current girlfriend feels betrayed...Rather then getting mad and denying like I did at first I calmed downed and realized I love this woman and if she can forgive me I will do what it takes to make it work...well my current girlfriend is having a hard time some days she talks to me and others mostly now she is defensive and wont tell me whats on her mind she hangs up on me curses at me...and when I keep trying to finally pull it out of her...which takes a while then its her insecurities that are eating at her...well with all that I have done is added fuel to the fire that already exsited right?

Here is some history on me...I am college educated...1 yr on my masters done in computers...I work in the computer field, I workout, play golf, read , and for the most part am a pretty positive person....now my skeletons in which I have told my current girlfriend everything...so here it goes..First is it true that a woman with a low self esteem only attract bad boys ex con and they shouldn’t be with them??? Well everyone I am an ex con white collar crime due to a gambling problem and I have been in recovery for 3 yrs ...but I have been to jail a few times in the past 15 yrs....3 to be exact...the longest amount I did on the state work program was 36 months....I went to work every day in the public...but everyone new I was an inmate...so my current girlfriend has handled this pretty good..and I love her for that....but I have been reading self help and references to try to work through all of this with my current gal...and I am finding out some disturbing things....like can a person with low self esteem truly love someone else? Is my current girlfriend with me because she can’t get any better ....meaning I am an ex con...?? Also she is 30 yrs old and I am 40yrs old this doesn’t seem to be an issue but should I be concerned? I really hope you can give me some advice. What do I do about rebuilding the trust she said she would communicate with when she gets insecure…but doesn’t she gets mad and ignores me …I feel like she is treating me like her ex husband where she said they went days without speaking??? I have told her I will not be her doormat…and if she is going to be rude and disrespectful by hanging up on me and wont talk then I have no choice but to move on…no matter how much I love her…. Thank you for your time and help. Is it silly to go to couples counseling so early in the game? What more can I do to rebuild her trust?? Thanks again !!!

Boomer

[Electrogrrl]

Can someone love someone else if they don’t like them selves?

 

In my experience, no. Your g/f has to learn to love herself first, because ultimately she's the only one that can make herself happy. This can be hard if she's been in an abusive relationship for so long and her self esteem is shattered, especially since it was someone so close to her (the ex husband).

 

First is it true that a woman with a low self esteem only attract bad boys ex con and they shouldn’t be with them???

 

Well, I wouldn't say they only attract ex cons, but I think (and again this is based on my experience) that women with low self esteem do tend to attract the wrong kind of men. This is because they don't love themselves enough to accept someone better, someone who will treat them the way they deserve to be treated. This is not to say that you are that type of person that would treat her badly though. Yes, you might've had a gambling problem and done time for it, but you did say that you're recovering from it. We are all human and we all make mistakes. How we deal with those mistakes are what make us the people we are today.

 

What do I do about rebuilding the trust ?

 

Well, first off, stop lying to her!! Even though you went to your ex's to console her in her time of need and only for that, you should've been honest with your g/f. If you would've explained it to your g/f instead of hiding it, then your ex wouldn't have been able to call her up and tell her lies. The fact that you hid the visit with your ex only made you look shady. If you had explained it to your g/f and she still didn't like it, well then you make a choice from there. That's something she's insecure about and something she has to deal with but at least you would've been honest and not fanned the flames, so to speak.

 

I feel like she is treating me like her ex husband where she said they went days without speaking??? I have told her I will not be her doormat…and if she is going to be rude and disrespectful by hanging up on me and wont talk then I have no choice but to move on…no matter how much I love her

 

In her mind, she is reacting to you like her ex husband. She has to learn not to blame you or judge you based on the way others have treated her. This is a hard thing to do. I think she would really benefit from going to a therapist and talking about her problems there. She'll never be able to be close to you the way you want her to unless she works on herself first. You can help by being supportive, loving, truthful, kind and reassuring. And it sounds to me like you are already working on some of that.

[boomer3232]

Thanks so much Electrogal.....If I may can I ask you a couple of other things?? Here goes

 

I have started counseling to make me a better person as well as to get some insight into what i can do to help my GF....My GF said she did counseling for a few months after her divorce and the counselor released her.???...everytime i mention getting counseling or going back to it ...my GF gets defensive...and i honestly sit down and try to make it a comfortable atmosphere to talk to her about it...but she still gets upset...if she is in denial..then me and her are doomed..correct?? Any other tips to working with her?? I also live about 60 miles from her...that seem to create a problem with rebuilding the trust...any tips on what to do about rebuilding the trust....i answer all her questions and i am diligently trying ....i have no reason to ever lie to her again...and dont want to...i thought i was help out and old GF because i could relate to how hard it was to loose a mother....since this happend 4 1/2 weeks ago I havent had any contact with the ex and dont want to.....What are your tips for "tweaking" are communication?? Would you still continue to have sex...our sex is great...but i actually want to be more then just sex...???

 

 

its been almost 2 weeks since we have physically seen each other and about 2days since we've had any communication...After the last hanging up and cursing at me I told her i needed time....I am honestely wondering if since its only been 31/2 months that we or i should just go get me togther even more than i have been working and then if fate brings us back together then so be it....what is you insight on this....?? Also when she does somthing like get angry hang up the phone on me ...wont take my calls ....etc.....then I get up set and respond....usually by letting her know i am not going to be her doormat and that if she is not going to communicate with me then its not going to work....well she doesnt seem to take responsibility for her actions and sincerely apologize...she tends to concentrate on me being upset....I tell her the "dog" was fine...if you kick it it will respond....when the dog is doing what its supposed to be doing...then dont kick it....she doesnt seem to understand this....??? what do i do about that...draw my lines and if she tries to cross them and get defensive then i have no choice but to leave/ break up???

 

 

Thanks Again!!!

[Electrogrrl]

everytime i mention getting counseling or going back to it ...my GF gets defensive...and i honestly sit down and try to make it a comfortable atmosphere to talk to her about it...but she still gets upset

 

Of course she gets upset. Nobody wants to hear that they need counseling, even if you do say it in a gentle way. That's a decision everyone has to make for themselves (I know this first hand too as I have suggested to my b/f to seek help for his issues and he only gets defensive). Perhaps you going to therapy will inspire her, but you can never make someone get help if they don't want it.

 

if she is in denial..then me and her are doomed..correct??

 

Not necessarily. A person doesn't always stay in denial. If you feel you want to stick this out longer and see if she comes around then that's entirely up to you. I myself have had major issues concerning trust and past emotional abuse and my b/f has stuck through thick and thin with me. It can and will be tough but if you think it's worth it, then go for it. But NEVER do it if you are jeopardizing your own happiness. YOU CAN NOT FIX HER PROBLEMS, YOU CAN ONLY BE THERE FOR HER. I am capitilizing that because I feel it is so important to understand this. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Not anyone else's. You can only be there for her and be supportive and loving.

 

I also live about 60 miles from her...that seem to create a problem with rebuilding the trust...any tips on what to do about rebuilding the trust....i answer all her questions and i am diligently trying ....i have no reason to ever lie to her again...and dont want to...i thought i was help out and old GF because i could relate to how hard it was to loose a mother....since this happend 4 1/2 weeks ago I havent had any contact with the ex and dont want to.....What are your tips for "tweaking" are communication?? Would you still continue to have sex...our sex is great...but i actually want to be more then just sex...???

 

That's a bit tough, those long distance relationships..is she so worried about you cheating on her that she interrogates you constantly? You can only reassure a person so much that you're not cheating. She either will or won't believe you but you have no control over what she'll believe. When you talk to her and tell her you're not cheating, are you being confrontational about it? I know it's hard not to act confrontational when you're trying to defend yourself, but if you come off like that she will probably think that you are hiding something. However, if you keep telling her over and over and she refuses to believe you, I am wondering how much of that you'll take. How often do you visit her? Maybe if it's not too much you could make a special date and get together. Show her the kind of person you are and how much you care about her. Don't bring up her problems, if she want's to talk, she will. If she starts accusing you about fooling around with the ex then explain the situation (once again) in a calm matter. Tell her that SHE'S the one you want to be with.

 

 

 

After the last hanging up and cursing at me I told her i needed time....I am honestely wondering if since its only been 31/2 months that we or i should just go get me togther even more than i have been working and then if fate brings us back together then so be it....what is you insight on this....??

 

For one, you don't need that kind of abuse (her cursing at you) and she needs to understand that. It's just not a good way to communicate. Anger begets anger and then nothing good happens. As I said before, it's your choice on whether or not you feel it's worth it to stay in this relationship. If you are doing all you can, working on yourself, being good to her and she is not responding, then it won't be good for you either. You'll end up codependent, thinking you're responsible for all this poor woman's problems when you're not.

 

Hope some of this helped! Good luck!

[Bliss]

I don't think she understands good treatment, she's used to being abused, that's normal to her. She thinks a relationship is a power game. And you yourself, do you want to be abused, by her, don't you deserve better treatment? Don't beat yourself up for your mistakes, if you realized in your mind that what you did is wrong, it's enough. Just like in a church, once you confessed you don't need to dwell on it again, you are forgiven.