MM Lies to Sick Wife

[whatever29]

I met my MM on a dating app. I knew he was married, but it he was just looking for a friend. His wife was very sick and in the hospital. She had been sick for about a year, but he said their relationship has been over for longer than that. He was going to leave her but then she got sick. Of course being the "good" man that he was, he wouldn't leave her because of this.

 

I felt bad for him. He had many tales of woe, a loser stepdaughter and her boyfriend living at his house, money problems and about to have major surgery himself. Being the big hearted fool I fell for it. I don't regret being there for him when he obviously did need someone. I was there when he had his surgery. His wife almost didn't live a few times. He was there with her every day. In a way it seemed admirable that he would stand by this person, since leaving her would be devastating to her. He even told me that if she died (God forbid, of course) that he would want me to live with him. I think he may have thought she was going to die. This would free him. A horrible thought I know, but she had no quality of life for a long time. She was suspicious the whole time though. She would call him from the hospital and question where he was. His stepdaughter would keep track of him and report back when he came home to her. He said she was so suspicious because her last two husbands had cheate on her. Of course, he had never cheated on anyone and had just fallen in love with me.

 

Then, suddenly he could never seem to see me. More promises about how he would try to get away, how much he loved and missed me. I kept asking him why he couldn't meet somewhere to talk. Nothing had changed, the situation with her was the same. He had lied about his whereabouts before, what was any different now? He would just avoid most direct questions or just make excuses about how busy he was etc etc. Tell me how confused he was by the whole situation...on and on. He played a victim well and I couldn't imagine how hard it was for him to be there day in and day out with someone he cared for but didn't love anymore. She was a controlling person and he always said he wouldn't tell her because it would be so devastating for her. Of course, he didn't want it on his conscious that his affair had done her in. At the same time, I could see someone who also needed support and love. I gave that with no feeling of remorse. My love for him was honest. I felt horrible for his predicament. I guess my role was to provide some glimmer of hope of a different life.

 

She finally had the surgery to correct her issue and started to get better. She started posting on FB again, her account had been completely silent and it was public. Imagine my surprise and disgust to find out that in two months they were renewing their marriage vows for their ten year anniversary. I confronted him about this, and of course there was the excuse, we had planned this over two years ago. Yes, but when were you going to be honest with her and say you didn't want to renew the vows? She talked about God saving her and her loving husband. I heard they way they would fight on the phone. How she manipulated him.

 

He told me I shouldn't believe what I read. Well, she sure seemed to believe it. Obviously, he hadn't said anything to her. It was now obvious he was never leaving her. I told him that if he didn't want to renew the vows he needed to say something pretty quick. Nobody does that if they want out of the relationship. Either he was going to get up and lie about the vows or he really did love her and want to say the vows. Either way, there was no place for me in his life. All I wanted to know was the truth whether he was going to do it or not. He kept avoiding the question, like he did many other questions. I suppose he thought it wasn't a lie if you never said anything.

 

He kept telling me that he never lied to me and that he wasn't angry with me and would still like to keep in contact. He hoped I wasn't angry. I'm sure he was just worried I might get so mad that I would tell her about the affair. If this was a soap opera I might show up at the church and reveal him. Or mail a box of his clothes to his wife. Of course, I would never do that. He's not worth it. She is blinded by him as well I guess. I just wanted the truth, but I'm not sure even he knows what the truth is. So what wasn't a lie the crap you had been telling me or the loyal loving husband role you had been playing?

 

I cut him off yesterday all of his I'm sorrys and that he always would love me...blah blah blah. I told him what is there left to say? I told him I'm sorry you lied too...delete. That was the end of it. I can't believe I was so stupid. I always said no married men and never again will I fall for that.

 

I think I have gotten over the hurt, disgust and broken heart. The three months I hadn't seen him just through text gave me enough time to start the healing. Oh the sleepless nights of not knowing what to believe. At least I only wasted a year on this, but still. I know I can love again. I'd never let this break me.

[loveisanaction]

A few years ago I watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. There was a guy whose wife was seriously ill, she was brought to Seattle Grace hospital. Right there in the hospital as his wife lay ill and possibly dying the married man started complimenting and flirting with Dr. Shepherd (the female). She at first rebuffed his advances but because she was also feeling useless since her soon-to-be ex-husband Derrick Shepard had fallen for the then intern Meredith Grey, slowly began to accommodate his advances.

 

A few days later the married man’s wife was all better; her sickness healed and was ready to leave the hospital. Immediately the flirting and complimenting from the married man stopped. Dr. Shepard was embarrassed at herself at how she fell so shamelessly for a married man’s advances whilst his wife lay sick in the hospital. She realized that the trauma of his wife’s illness and the fear of losing her caused the married man to run into the arms of another woman.

 

Married men do love their wives. Marriages have ups and downs, trials and tribulations which can sometimes mask the end of the marriage but it usually never is.

 

It is very difficult for a woman to understand that a married man can love his wife yet at the same time pursue her, sleep with her and make promises to her. It’s confusing to every woman.

 

However, if every woman would understand that most married men do love their wives. Even in spite of the trials that happen in their marriages, most men really do love the women they say I do to. If us women could grasp the concept of this and refuse to get carried away by a married man’s words and advances then married men will have very few women to have affairs with.

Edited July 9, 2016 by loveisanaction

[sandylee1]

When people lie so much, you can't tell when they're actually telling the truth anymore. You called him out on the marriage vow renewal and he didn't know what to say, but he lied once again. What sane well adjusted person who isn't devoid of compassion actually renews their vows when they don't want to and no longer love their spouse?

 

Actually, I've heard other infidelity situations where vows are renewed and then a dday happens shortly after. In these cases neither husband or wife were ill, it's just a simple case of a lying cheater. Unfortunately, as long as OWs are up for it, the infidelity game with MM will never end.

[13Hearts]

Hi whatever29. Thanks for posting. I totally relate to what you wrote. My story is pretty much the same but the wife was not sick. It seems you were able to maintain some emotional distance from this guy, because things didn't seem to add up? I also have been struggling with feelings of "How could I be so stupid?!?" but realize (1) I'm not stupid and I shouldn't look at myself that way, (2) I was lied to for a very long time and I believed those lies because I wanted what I believed to be a perfect match which would translate into a happy relationship, and (3) I committed myself, yet again, physically, emotionally, and morally to a man who had not committed himself to me, unless you call buying me a lot of stuff and spending a lot of money on me a commitment. (I know now that is not a commitment but I thought the fact that he was doing all these things for me MEANT he was committed and working toward selling his house and divorcing-which is what he SAID he was doing).

 

Anyway, I just read this article this morning on another website and your post reminded me of it. So thought I would share, in case it is helpful to you:

 

Approaching Infidelity Eyes Wide Open

The Infidelity Megafecta

 

We don’t have to look too far to find someone who will declare that affairs are all about sex or lust. In fact, when the subject of infidelity arises we’ve probably all heard commentary that stems from that very notion:

He must have been sex starved at home.

Her husband was probably bad in bed.

Monogamy is unnatural.

Men will be men – they have needs.

She must be a nympho slut.

He’s a sex addict.

Affairs are popularly but incorrectly understood to be driven primarily (or even solely) by a pursuit of sex, especially when it concerns male cheaters. This message is created in part through general misunderstanding, by a pop culture that is being fed by the salacious depiction of affairs in the media and, more recently, by the lucrative ‘sexual recovery’ industry that continues to conveniently diagnose increasing numbers of cheaters as sex addicts.

 

While most affairs (though not all) do have an element of sexual interest and reward, it is not by any means the sole or primary incentive. In an affair a cheater seeks to satisfy a variety of motivations less overt than sexual desire, especially in the long term affair

 

It is perhaps in the drunken one night stand where sex might be considered as the sole driver, but even in this situation there are other components informing the choices that lead to that event.

 

So if sex isn’t what affairs are all about, what else is there?

 

The Narrative

Cheaters develop a narrative about why they cheated and they confess this rationale fully expecting it to be accepted as brutal honesty – the product of deep introspection. Not surprisingly, these admissions frequently take the form of tortured angst intended to convey a certain pathos. However subconsciously constructed, the cheater tries to preserve as positive a self view as possible by confessing what they feel are less damaging indictments of themselves.

 

These conveniently palatable narratives can range from how they were miserable for years, to staying for the kids, to sex addiction. One such popular smokescreen that we encounter at IHG is the cheater claiming that they were too fearful of causing upset to their spouse by addressing their concerns, or by leaving the marriage honorably. This open admission of cowardice is intended to sound honestly self-critical while still evoking a degree of empathy for their plight and dilemma.

 

The Infidelity Megafecta – Non-Sexual Factors

 

So let’s look at the non-sexual issues that rear their ugly heads in the course of an affair:

 

1. Power and Control

There is often an undercurrent of resentment in the cheater’s decision to have an affair, so affairs commonly have a retributive element to them. There are often power struggles within the marriage and even regular compromises can build resentment. In chatting these issues through with cheaters, it is apparent how they often use the affair as a way to exercise their personal power in their lives – they’ve made a significant choice for themselves without having to consult their spouse or compromise their own desires.

 

During an affair, the cheater has all the control. They are in possession of all the facts and decide who has access to that same level of information. They decide what their spouse is told, what the affair partner is told, what the rules are for the affair. They withhold access to information that might give others power in the situation, and use that withholding to preserve their marriage while enjoying the escape and sanctuary the affair represents.

 

Whilst few will admit it, an affair is often the cheater’s own private rebellion against societal norms, familial expectations, religious teachings, and their own dissatisfactions. It can be a way to covertly undermine a dynamic in which the cheater believes themselves to be trapped or in some way disadvantaged.

 

2. Entitlement

None of us live perfect lives absent of disappointments, stress, and dissatisfactions, but how we respond to our internal and external stressors is largely governed by our beliefs and world view.

 

Cheaters feel entitled to respond to their stressors by breaking their promises of monogamy while pretending to their spouse that the agreement is still in place. Their pursuit of their own satisfaction is not limited by their agreements and commitments, or their duty of care to others – they believe that they are entitled to pursue their own desires without first extricating themselves from any conflicting commitments, simply because they want to enjoy the benefits of both relationships.

 

Cheaters not only feel entitled to continue to benefit from their marriage and spouse while enjoying the pleasures of their affair, but they feel entitled to do what it takes to create and maintain the conditions necessary for that to happen. They happily feed misinformation and lies to their spouse to maintain the secrecy of the affair so that their marital benefits are secure and undisturbed.

 

However, entitlement is a mindset that permeates decision making in general and doesn’t suddenly and solely manifest in an affair. As we explored in Affair Fog Theory: Character Change, entitlement is a pervasive mindset that can result in a slew of other behaviors. When talking to cheaters it is easy to identify all manner of minor and major examples of entitled thinking and behavior:

 

entitlement:

petty theft, embezzlement, outrage when things don’t work in their favor, sneakiness, debt problems, believing any personal punishment is largely unfair, fraud, shirking their share of childcare/household duties, promise breaking, carpe diem approach to life, blaming bad behavior on alcohol/addiction/peer pressure etc, selfishness, believing that ‘petty’ social rules don’t apply to them

IHG: Affair Fog Theory: Character Change

 

This leads us to another issue in the affair megafecta:

 

3. Manipulation

Feeling entitled to control the secret of an affair results in a power imbalance in the relationship. Further weight is added to this by the cheater’s deliberate intent to exploit the trusting nature of the marital relationship.

 

The cheater knowingly employs manipulation to engineer a response in the faithful spouse. Gaslighting is a common manipulation strategy that is employed to keep the faithful spouse off balance, in the dark, and in place. While many cheaters employ these manipulations as a means to an end (keeping the spouse in place), there are those to whom the manipulation itself is the end. The satisfaction, power, and sense of superiority gained by manipulating someone can validate and reinforce someone’s personal narrative and world view.

 

Cheaters can be highly manipulative and skilled liars, who have the wherewithal to tap into the faithful spouse’s own weaknesses, dreams, and prejudices to engineer certain outcomes for themselves. The insidious nature of being manipulated by a spouse in this way can be severely damaging and can have long term affect on the faithful spouse’s mental state.

 

We should also accept though that we all have the capacity to manipulate situations and circumstances in line with our own agendas – but why aren’t we all employing similarly damaging strategies to get what we want? This question leads us to the ‘absent parent’ in affairs:

 

4. Ethical Behavior

In general we modulate our sense of entitlement, power, control, and propensity to manipulate with ethical behavior and thinking – our choices are made from the foundations of our ethical framework.

 

General stresses and dissatisfactions don’t negate our capacity to make ethical choices. When people make unethical choices they choose to deliberately ignore the ethical structure that they otherwise use to navigate life.

 

Cheating is fundamentally an issue of ethics. That a cheater chooses to behave in abusive and manipulative ways is clear evidence that they are prepared to put ethical behavior aside in order to satisfy their own desires. That is sufficient reason to make any notion of reconciliation contingent on clear, observable and sustained change in the cheater’s thinking and world view.

 

5. Avoidance

Are affairs about sex?Many cheaters proffer the narrative of their fear as their reason for choosing to have an affair – fear of upsetting the spouse, fear of change, fear of affecting the kids etc.

 

The cheater might prefer to avoid those consequences, but avoidant choices aren’t necessarily fearful. We might avoid certain situations because they’re not enjoyable, not because we feel threatened by them. We might avoid marriage not because we fear it, but because we prefer to remain single. We often avoid ending unhealthy or unfulfilling relationships not because we are pusillanimous, but because we want to avail ourselves of the benefits we perceive from that relationship.

 

A cheater chooses to have an affair instead of addressing their issues ethically, in order to avoid any detrimental consequences. Using fear to justify an affair is a red herring: if you fear the consequences of exiting a marriage, work within the marriage to resolve your internal issues. Going outside the marriage by having an affair will increase the likelihood that you will face what you claim to fear.

 

Divorce does have a cost but if you want to exit your marriage, do so honorably and ethically. In that way you avoid paying the additional price of your integrity, your ethical principles, and the respect of others.

 

6. Value

When we tie all of this together into the unpalatable bundle of an affair it’s hardly surprising that the faithful spouse reacts so severely. It can damage the faithful spouse’s sense of identity to be faced with the reality of how low they are on the cheater’s totem pole in terms of merit. To learn that they are considered to be acceptable collateral damage in the cheater’s pursuit of their own enjoyment and satisfaction, and that they don’t merit honest, honorable or ethical treatment, is devastating. An affair clearly signals that the cheater does not consider their spouse deserving of such basic treatment.

 

An affair is evidence that the cheater will happily exact a price from their spouse in the pursuit of their own enjoyment. It demonstrates how high a value the cheater places on their own satisfaction and happiness, and how little they value that of their spouse. It is a clear indication that the cheater has invested their energy and emotional commitment in their affair partner and that they considered their spouse’s emotional well-being as less important.

 

It’s easy to characterize oneself as selfish and be somewhat satisfied with that because it connotes notions of self-preservation and survival. What is less easy to brush off is that an affair’s inherent selfishness is one thing, but the resultant message to the faithful spouse is one of value and trade. An affair communicates that a cheater is willing to trade what they perceive as having lesser value – their spouse’s well-being, for what they perceive has greater value – the cheater getting their jollies.

 

Reconciliation

While cheaters often characterize their affairs as a fantasy, their marital situation is an ever-present reality. At every interaction with the affair partner, and at every affair maneuver, they reinforced their willingness to mistreat their spouse to facilitate their own gratification.

 

Many cheaters will profess ownership of their choices and a desire to change but it’s worth noting that many are actually rather well-versed in Reconciliation Speak, gleaned from support boards or marital therapists.

 

So many of these apparently informed and ‘personally accountable’ cheaters seem staunch advocates of the Reconciliation Speak narrative, but it is of serious concern that they are unable to adequately or consistently address even the most basic examination of their ethics and manipulations, or the issues of retribution and power and control.

 

It’s uglier and less appealing to discuss cheating in terms of control and resentment than it is to describe it in terms of escapism and fear (which veers dangerously close to victimhood). When pressed in discussions with us, the overwhelming majority of cheaters fall back into their default narrative (usually that they were driven to it in some way).

 

It’s normal and healthy for people to seek a level of personal power and control in their lives. However, it’s wise to look at how we go about it, where we lack it, and how we can healthily achieve it. The factors described here should prompt a more authentic line of self exploration in the cheater than the substitutions they often make with the far more palatable concept of ‘their fear’.

 

Unsurprisingly, redirecting people to the harsher realities of the underlying causes of affairs can bring vehement denial and opposition. What is particularly worrying, however, is not that the cheater clings to the prettier narrative, but that the faithful spouse seeking reconciliation does so.

[Grapesofwrath]

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. I'm sure their marriage is far from perfect, but whatever it is, it sounds complicated and you are trying to piece it all together through a little bit of information here and there. You can never know the real truth, unless you live in their house with them.

 

One thing I know: Married men don't go on dating apps to make friends. If they need to make friends, that can be done through their daily activity, with those that they meet organically, both men and women. So I think there was intentionality on his part right from the beginning. He created a sympathetic narrative and so you went for it.

 

Proud of you for ending it. Time will provide perspective.

[anika99]

From reading your post it doesn't seem like he ever had a real plan to leave her. He said if she died he would like you to live with him, so it sounds like your happy future with him all hinged on the wife dying, a deathwatch affair, that's kind of extra distasteful. Since you met him on a dating site he was probably trolling for an affair and a woman to be his back up should his wife actually kick the bucket. Glad you woke up and removed yourself from the situation.

[whatever29]

Thank you all for commenting. The article was very helpful, and I saw plenty of elements of what was going on. He played the victim and I wanted to help him. Maybe that was delusional on my part. I should've realized when he described how he would need to leave her - just vanish type of thing that it would never happen. He came off like a miserable, sad and shackled person. I need to stop being attracted to the difficult ones.

 

I wish I could stop feeling sick to my stomach. The world through my eyes feels so different somehow. I know that I will get back to normal eventually and this will all be in the distant past. I'm glad I finally did it. I just needed some closure, which he wasn't going to provide.

[whatever29]

When people lie so much, you can't tell when they're actually telling the truth anymore. You called him out on the marriage vow renewal and he didn't know what to say, but he lied once again. What sane well adjusted person who isn't devoid of compassion actually renews their vows when they don't want to and no longer love their spouse?

 

Actually, I've heard other infidelity situations where vows are renewed and then a dday happens shortly after. In these cases neither husband or wife were ill, it's just a simple case of a lying cheater. Unfortunately, as long as OWs are up for it, the infidelity game with MM will never end.

 

I would never give him a second chance, even if he did leave his wife and get a divorce. I don't think she would leave him if the affair was found out either. I can do so much better than him. He was not the person I painted him in my mind. I was wearing blinders.

[13Hearts]

IDK how old you are, maybe 29? 29 was a lifetime or two ago for me so I've probably been in a lot more relationships than you have. Hell, I've been in a lot more relationships than most people, LOL. What I want to tell you is, when a man enters your life with a sob story, a bunch of complaints, griping all the time, or otherwise with a bunch of baggage, DUMP HIM AND RUN.

 

Let THIS guy serve as your lesson in this, and let what I'm saying back it up. I have been in relationships with complainers, whiners, gripers, and guys full of excuses, and NONE of them are worth the trouble they bring. You will get so sick of hearing all of what is coming out of their mouth that you will try to fix the problem for them just to get them to shut up. Or you will believe that you are the answer to their problems, a lot of the time because they believe that themselves.

 

At whatever point you realize a guy is one of these, cut your losses, burn that bridge, and run like hell. Because guys like that will burden you down, slowly depress you, pull you under with them, and quite possibly ruin your life.

 

We want men in our lives who can make things BETTER for us, not worse. Lose the losers and don't feel responsible for them. Start making plans for what you want your life to look like. If that includes a man, get straight on where you will lead you both. Figure out what his qualifications are, ALL of them, and when you are approached by another loser like this guy, you will know immediately whether or not he is going to help you or hinder you in getting to where you know you need to be.

 

I say all of this because I've wasted so much of my time, my energy, and my life trying to be helpful. It doesn't work and it only weakens me. I imagine you understand now what I mean. Get selfish, get clear on what you want and need, and don't let any man into your life who does not fit into that equation.

 

Thank you all for commenting. The article was very helpful, and I saw plenty of elements of what was going on. He played the victim and I wanted to help him. Maybe that was delusional on my part. I should've realized when he described how he would need to leave her - just vanish type of thing that it would never happen. He came off like a miserable, sad and shackled person. I need to stop being attracted to the difficult ones.

 

I wish I could stop feeling sick to my stomach. The world through my eyes feels so different somehow. I know that I will get back to normal eventually and this will all be in the distant past. I'm glad I finally did it. I just needed some closure, which he wasn't going to provide.

[whatever29]

You are right 13hearts. Actually, I am 45, so you would have thought I wouldn't have fallen for that. Maybe it was because it was the first serious "relationship" since my ex and I broke up after 18 years. It had only been a year and a half since we had broken up. I had forgotten how people like this operate. You cannot fix anyone except yourself. It's one of those tough lessons, since the good in me just wanted to help with his obvious suffering.

 

You are completely right, if there are too many problems...run away. I think it just takes time knowing our own inner strength and our limitations. I just wanted to be a compassionate loving human. When I think about how I reduced myself to justify things and make it work, well never again. I'm glad I finally got honest with myself. Always trying to find a sliver of hope that I would make him a happy person was exhausting and not my job to do.

[anika99]

IDK how old you are, maybe 29? 29 was a lifetime or two ago for me so I've probably been in a lot more relationships than you have. Hell, I've been in a lot more relationships than most people, LOL. What I want to tell you is, when a man enters your life with a sob story, a bunch of complaints, griping all the time, or otherwise with a bunch of baggage, DUMP HIM AND RUN.

 

Let THIS guy serve as your lesson in this, and let what I'm saying back it up. I have been in relationships with complainers, whiners, gripers, and guys full of excuses, and NONE of them are worth the trouble they bring. You will get so sick of hearing all of what is coming out of their mouth that you will try to fix the problem for them just to get them to shut up. Or you will believe that you are the answer to their problems, a lot of the time because they believe that themselves.

 

At whatever point you realize a guy is one of these, cut your losses, burn that bridge, and run like hell. Because guys like that will burden you down, slowly depress you, pull you under with them, and quite possibly ruin your life.

 

We want men in our lives who can make things BETTER for us, not worse. Lose the losers and don't feel responsible for them. Start making plans for what you want your life to look like. If that includes a man, get straight on where you will lead you both. Figure out what his qualifications are, ALL of them, and when you are approached by another loser like this guy, you will know immediately whether or not he is going to help you or hinder you in getting to where you know you need to be.

 

I say all of this because I've wasted so much of my time, my energy, and my life trying to be helpful. It doesn't work and it only weakens me. I imagine you understand now what I mean. Get selfish, get clear on what you want and need, and don't let any man into your life who does not fit into that equation.

 

Yep. First off all guys like this want you to fix their problems and then after awhile they blame you for their problems.

[lilacwine]

Yep. First off all guys like this want you to fix their problems and then after awhile they blame you for their problems.

 

Wow, this is profound wisdom. Thank you!!!

[BenchCoach]

So, are you more upset that he has been lying to his ill wife, or that he basically lied to you about running off into the sunset together.

 

he sounds like an awful person... waiting on his wife's demise in that manner.

 

 

you truly are better off. Hope you don't allow yourself to get reeled back in.

[Poppy47]

This article says so much.

 

A cheater is a like slippery eel. His left hand has no idea what his right hand is doing.

 

Poppy.

[pooldog]

Sorry this happened to you. What a roller coaster but I love your strength and know you will be great. You get to walk away and get a clean slate. I hope you keep posting and find someone great!

 

I met my MM on a dating app. I knew he was married, but it he was just looking for a friend. His wife was very sick and in the hospital. She had been sick for about a year, but he said their relationship has been over for longer than that. He was going to leave her but then she got sick. Of course being the "good" man that he was, he wouldn't leave her because of this.

 

I felt bad for him. He had many tales of woe, a loser stepdaughter and her boyfriend living at his house, money problems and about to have major surgery himself. Being the big hearted fool I fell for it. I don't regret being there for him when he obviously did need someone. I was there when he had his surgery. His wife almost didn't live a few times. He was there with her every day. In a way it seemed admirable that he would stand by this person, since leaving her would be devastating to her. He even told me that if she died (God forbid, of course) that he would want me to live with him. I think he may have thought she was going to die. This would free him. A horrible thought I know, but she had no quality of life for a long time. She was suspicious the whole time though. She would call him from the hospital and question where he was. His stepdaughter would keep track of him and report back when he came home to her. He said she was so suspicious because her last two husbands had cheate on her. Of course, he had never cheated on anyone and had just fallen in love with me.

 

Then, suddenly he could never seem to see me. More promises about how he would try to get away, how much he loved and missed me. I kept asking him why he couldn't meet somewhere to talk. Nothing had changed, the situation with her was the same. He had lied about his whereabouts before, what was any different now? He would just avoid most direct questions or just make excuses about how busy he was etc etc. Tell me how confused he was by the whole situation...on and on. He played a victim well and I couldn't imagine how hard it was for him to be there day in and day out with someone he cared for but didn't love anymore. She was a controlling person and he always said he wouldn't tell her because it would be so devastating for her. Of course, he didn't want it on his conscious that his affair had done her in. At the same time, I could see someone who also needed support and love. I gave that with no feeling of remorse. My love for him was honest. I felt horrible for his predicament. I guess my role was to provide some glimmer of hope of a different life.

 

She finally had the surgery to correct her issue and started to get better. She started posting on FB again, her account had been completely silent and it was public. Imagine my surprise and disgust to find out that in two months they were renewing their marriage vows for their ten year anniversary. I confronted him about this, and of course there was the excuse, we had planned this over two years ago. Yes, but when were you going to be honest with her and say you didn't want to renew the vows? She talked about God saving her and her loving husband. I heard they way they would fight on the phone. How she manipulated him.

 

He told me I shouldn't believe what I read. Well, she sure seemed to believe it. Obviously, he hadn't said anything to her. It was now obvious he was never leaving her. I told him that if he didn't want to renew the vows he needed to say something pretty quick. Nobody does that if they want out of the relationship. Either he was going to get up and lie about the vows or he really did love her and want to say the vows. Either way, there was no place for me in his life. All I wanted to know was the truth whether he was going to do it or not. He kept avoiding the question, like he did many other questions. I suppose he thought it wasn't a lie if you never said anything.

 

He kept telling me that he never lied to me and that he wasn't angry with me and would still like to keep in contact. He hoped I wasn't angry. I'm sure he was just worried I might get so mad that I would tell her about the affair. If this was a soap opera I might show up at the church and reveal him. Or mail a box of his clothes to his wife. Of course, I would never do that. He's not worth it. She is blinded by him as well I guess. I just wanted the truth, but I'm not sure even he knows what the truth is. So what wasn't a lie the crap you had been telling me or the loyal loving husband role you had been playing?

 

I cut him off yesterday all of his I'm sorrys and that he always would love me...blah blah blah. I told him what is there left to say? I told him I'm sorry you lied too...delete. That was the end of it. I can't believe I was so stupid. I always said no married men and never again will I fall for that.

 

I think I have gotten over the hurt, disgust and broken heart. The three months I hadn't seen him just through text gave me enough time to start the healing. Oh the sleepless nights of not knowing what to believe. At least I only wasted a year on this, but still. I know I can love again. I'd never let this break me.

[whatever29]

So, are you more upset that he has been lying to his ill wife, or that he basically lied to you about running off into the sunset together.

 

he sounds like an awful person... waiting on his wife's demise in that manner.

 

you truly are better off. Hope you don't allow yourself to get reeled back in.

 

He never directly said he was waiting for her to die, except that he would move me in if she did. I never felt right about that. Then again, he wanted to sneak me into his house (she wasn't there but her daughter was) to which I always said no. I never wanted to have to explain to someone who I was. The moving in could have been complete fantasy. Can you imagine what people would think? I could see where having her pass on would mean his freedom without any confrontation. That of course is if it is true that he was unhappy and wanted out of the marriage long ago, but then she got so sick. He could be the loving husband to the end. It would erase him from any guilt, maybe.

 

I'm upset that I fell for it and got sucked into the drama. But, I am still torn about what was true and what isn't.

 

Either he:

A) Was he just a lying cheater - maybe a serial one due to all of her suspicions which supposedly due to her EXs being cheaters or maybe he has been doing this all along and she knows it. Of course, he told me he had never cheated before.

 

B) Someone in one of the most serious moral dilemmas I've ever seen.

 

I gave him the benefit of the doubt because of the situation. I never had an issue with being the OW because here was a man who obviously needed emotional support as well but wasn't getting it from anyone else. There was so much love in that hospital room after his surgery. That wasn't a lie. I never felt that I was doing anything wrong. What I felt was honest and true and when I looked in his eyes I saw the same. It was one of the most powerful moments of my life, where I knew this was what life was all about.

 

I couldn't imagine sitting by someone so ill day after day for two years and being supportive and telling them you love them for their own good. He felt that she would lose the will to live if he was honest with her. She wouldn't be able to accept that he still cares about her but wasn't in love with her anymore. How could anyone with any heart just walk away from someone like that? I could completely understand that.

 

I do feel sorry for her, because she too is living in a fantasy. Either he does truly love her but is a cheater or he doesn't love her and is just saying that he does. If she knows about the affair and has forgiven him well, she is accepting that he isn't 100% true to her. As Stephen Chbosky wrote, we accept the love we think we deserve.

 

I realized in the beginning there would never be a right time for him to leave her, if he was ever going to in the first place. Why didn't he just tell me this instead of fading away and leaving me hurt, angry and confused. During the three months of not seeing him but just texting, he became more and more distant. It became where he was really not saying much of anything and when I would ask him a question there would always be an excuse that we would talk later, but he couldn't talk now due to xyz. He claimed to still miss and love me. The limbo was hell.

 

This started a slow painful process for me. I didn't know if I had just been played or he truly wanted to see me but couldn't. Should I just wait? I still truly loved him and felt sorry for what he was going through. Leaving me hanging was crueler than him just saying, I have to end this. I tried to end it for the last few weeks, but that wasn't what I really wanted. I would get angry and tell him I feel like you are wanting me to end it so you don't have to. This is probably true.

 

The marriage vows were the last straw and screaming neon sign. If he was such a coward that he couldn't tell her he didn't want to do that, he was no type of man for me. That is completely wrong to do to someone. It just says to me, words are meaningless to you. If that was true then his words were all meaningless to me. If he truly does want to remarry her with the vows, then I hope they have a happy life together. At first, he tried to say that he didn't know what he was going to do about renewing the vows, as if he hadn't committed in his own mind. Either he is a weak and very sad man who cannot speak up for himself or he is just lying to me about being confused. Once I finally put my foot down, he rolled over and let me end it saying it wasn't what he wanted but he understood that I was angry that he would probably be angry too.

 

I would never expose him to his W and he knows I'm not that type of person. It's not my place to tell her and I certainly wouldn't want any fall out that would occur because of it.

 

This morning, now at 36 hours after finally ending this I feel good. My eyes are wide open now. I have no regret about providing love to him when he needed it. I will not resent that he did what he did to get that love. I am now free and my heart feels closed to him.

 

Even if he came crawling over here to say he has told her he doesn't want to remarry her and is leaving her I would not be interested.

[minimariah]

2 sides to this man:

a.) he can't & won't leave his sick wife. he's taking care of her & is dedicated to her = what a good man does. b.) he's cheating on her + tried to take you to their home while she wasn't there + planned to move you in ASAP and probably secretly hopes that she'll die so he can move on guilt free = now what a good man does.

 

you missed out on a HUGE red flag, as simple as that. you were focused on the a.) while completely ignoring the b.) because you rationalized and saw him as a victim... notice how EVERYTHING is only about him. HE needs this, HE needs that... HE needs love and emotional support next to his ill wife. the focus ALWAYS needs to be on him.

 

& yeah - he lied to her but he lied to you, too. their marriage was apparently horrible for some years but they spoke about renewing their vows at the same time...? right. i doubt he loves you OR his wife - he loves himself 1st. why didn't he tell you that he wasn't leaving her but kept dragging his feet...? because he knew you would have walked if he told you the truth. and wanted to eat his cake.

 

and i doubt his wife knows a thing; she probably thinks their troubles are current and a result of the stress caused by her illness and he probably tells her that, too. like, the man is marrying her AGAIN for their 10th anniversary! they're starting a new life & marriage together - THAT is probably what she feels & thinks.

 

p.s. lose the negative "she manipulates him" attitude ASAP; you'll move on once you stop seeing him as a victim and believing his "love" for you was real.

 

p.p.s. why are the VOWS such a big deal though? surely, they took the vows the first time they married... no? so he cheated on her and it only occured to you that his words mean nothing after he decided to repeat them?

Edited July 10, 2016 by minimariah

[lilajane]

My MM has a sick wife as well. She has RA and is progressively getting worse. He would make more contact during a flare. He is used to having sex several times a week with BS, so when she is unable, my purpose was to fill in.

 

I too am mid-40's accomplished, attractive, outgoing, seemingly too smart for this f@#$boy. But that is all he is, a booty caller. He wants it all and will say anything to get his jollies off. Towards the end, he wouldn't even contact me just for relational maintenance. He'd have all kinds of opportunities to see me, talk to me, etc. But he was only interesting in making contact when he wanted sex. He would say anything he needed to at these times.

 

As someone previously posted, they seduce, abuse, abuse, seduce, abuse, abuse, seduce, abuse, abuse, seduce, abuse, abuse, seduce, abuse, abuse, seduce, abuse, abuse, seduce, abuse, abuse, seduce...on and on....

[elaine567]

 

p.p.s. why are the VOWS such a big deal though? surely, they took the vows the first time they married... no? so he cheated on her and it only occured to you that his words mean nothing after he decided to repeat them?

 

The man was a poor "victim" just waiting for his wife to die, or get well enough so he could tell her he was leaving her.

Only his "sham"marriage turns out to be no sham, they love each other so much, they need to tell the world by renewing their vows...

[whatever29]

2 sides to this man:

a.) he can't & won't leave his sick wife. he's taking care of her & is dedicated to her = what a good man does. b.) he's cheating on her + tried to take you to their home while she wasn't there + planned to move you in ASAP and probably secretly hopes that she'll die so he can move on guilt free = not what a good man does.

 

you missed out on a HUGE red flag, as simple as that. you were focused on the a.) while completely ignoring the b.) because you rationalized and saw him as a victim... notice how EVERYTHING is only about him. HE needs this, HE needs that... HE needs love and emotional support next to his ill wife. the focus ALWAYS needs to be on him.

 

& yeah - he lied to her but he lied to you, too. their marriage was apparently horrible for some years but they spoke about renewing their vows at the same time...? right. i doubt he loves you OR his wife - he loves himself 1st. why didn't he tell you that he wasn't leaving her but kept dragging his feet...? because he knew you would have walked if he told you the truth. and wanted to eat his cake.

 

and i doubt his wife knows a thing; she probably thinks their troubles are current and a result of the stress caused by her illness and he probably tells her that, too. like, the man is marrying her AGAIN for their 10th anniversary! they're starting a new life & marriage together - THAT is probably what she feels & thinks.

 

p.s. lose the negative "she manipulates him" attitude ASAP; you'll move on once you stop seeing him as a victim and believing his "love" for you was real.

 

p.p.s. why are the VOWS such a big deal though? surely, they took the vows the first time they married... no? so he cheated on her and it only occured to you that his words mean nothing after he decided to repeat them?

 

I agree with you that I saw A and fell for the sob story about how horrible she was to him. It helped justify the cheating. I don't see him as a victim anymore. It does not matter to me if he did or still does love me. I am not sure he can feel love. I realized I was seriously selling myself short. I was still in a bubble, but the vow renewal was my final straw because he always said he it wasn't going to happen.

 

I think you feel that all cheaters are wrong. I am on the fence as to whether circumstances would ever say it's ok to cheat. We are all human and have certain needs. So, I was in love with love...it's a powerful drug.

Edited July 10, 2016 by whatever29

[ShatteredLady]

I know what it's like to live a vibrant, healthy life full of adventure & life. I'd imagine I'm probably a lady very much like you.

 

Sadly I also know what it's like to be in agony, in hospital, signing those papers, being told to get my affairs in order. It's TERRIFYING!! It's incredibly stressful for everyone. I get that, I truly do.

 

Is love & loyalty something we only deserve when we are giving MORE than we need?

 

Think about what love & marriage really means to you. Are you going to write your own wedding vows? "We promise to love eachother in happiness, health, for better etc BUT if I ever get sick & truly need you it's ok for you to woo another woman & shag her in the home we've spent a life building together!".

[whatever29]

Wish I had told him what a pos he really is but deep down he probably knows. His W thinks he's some savior. Always there for her except when he was sneaking around with me. He indicated to me he will cheat again. I hope she catches him. I suppose when someone is a pos they will eventually stink so bad everyone will smell it. Day 3 NC

[NTV]

Wish I had told him what a pos he really is but deep down he probably knows. His W thinks he's some savior. Always there for her except when he was sneaking around with me. He indicated to me he will cheat again. I hope she catches him. I suppose when someone is a pos they will eventually stink so bad everyone will smell it. Day 3 NC

 

 

 

Why not tell her so at the very least she can fix her will?

[whatever29]

Why not tell her so at the very least she can fix her will?

 

He's ex military with guns. I wouldn't want to end up mysteriously dead.

[NTV]

if you are truly scared for you life, then contact the police. He could get rid of you now to prevent any risk of it coming out if he was so motivated.