MM Lies to Sick Wife

[whatever29]

You are right MidnightBlue1980. They renewed their vows as expected. There was a photo of him about a week ago. I've never seen someone look more sad. His bed and he continues to lie in it. It's really not my problem anymore and I should be happy about that. Time to move on completely for me and forget he ever existed.

[Miss Clavel]

speaking as the now ex "wifey", i wonder how it is that so many OW seem to think that the wife doesn't know?

 

i knew. he didn't know i knew. i liked it that way.

 

married people have all kinds of unspoken agreements and deals in place to help them carry on with their lives.

 

no matter what, nothing has changed, they are married and she ain't' dead.

 

you are too good for him. he is a lying cheater pig.

 

hopefully she doesn't have him as her designated "plug puller".

 

imagine.

 

good luck

[sandylee1]

Miss Clavel,

 

Are you saying you knew about the affair and said nothing? If not why not?

 

The women I speak to that know.... say nothing because of one or more of these reasons:

 

They have no confidence

They are scared he'll choose the OW if they say anything

They are financially dependent

Don't think they can get another man

Fear of loneliness

Don't want the kids to see OW through a split home

[whatever29]

Thank you for your kind words. He is a lying cheating pig, but to top it off he wanted someone waiting in the wings if she did die. Lowest of the low, but at the time, I felt he needed support, someone to listen. She was deathly ill. They have now renewed their vows. I hope she now feels more secure. Maybe he can convince himself he loves her and the vows weren't a lie. I would hope so for his own sanity. He will cheat again. He even mentioned that it would be a long time. I hope she keeps him under her thumb completely and can now even more closely watch his every move. I'm glad I have no part it in anymore. I don't have to hear about her injustices to him and how he's such a victim. I don't want to think about it too much, sometimes I do still feel angry. Right now it's beginning to feel like a long time ago. This feels like a step in the right direction.

 

I am curious to see some photos, but there haven't been any just the ring. So, it's probably time to go 100% no contact and stop looking at FB. That photo with him looking rather sad was upsetting. I guess one part of me still wants to believe that he wasn't really just obvious scum. Hard to know what to think, so best to just permanently close the chapter.

[Miss Clavel]

Miss Clavel,

 

Are you saying you knew about the affair and said nothing? If not why not?

 

The women I speak to that know.... say nothing because of one or more of these reasons:

 

They have no confidence

They are scared he'll choose the OW if they say anything

They are financially dependent

Don't think they can get another man

Fear of loneliness

Don't want the kids to see OW through a split home

 

 

it's kind of you to ask me a question and provide me with answers. but,

 

none of the above.

 

the weeks before he figured out i already knew, i used the time to my advantage. i took every piece of paper out of his desk and his cars. i photocopied them, two and three at a time and replaced them exactly where they were. including deeds, titles, bank statements, credit card statements and IRS returns.

 

i went to our accountant and filed MY taxes, claiming myself as abandoned spouse and claiming all the orphans.

 

i went online and found "her". found where she lived.

 

later i started going around the house and packing anything of value.

 

then, i watched. i watched a man i respected. a man that was still taking the sacraments, lie and lie and lie. steal and murder and make a fool of himself.

 

i still didn't say anything.

 

what i knew at the time was he was cheating and i knew there was no going back.

 

then, i cried.

[whatever29]

Almost at week 10 NC and I am still angry. I am still angry at what a POS he is. I do ok for awhile and then I get angry. I suppose this will pass with time.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Almost at week 10 NC and I am still angry. I am still angry at what a POS he is. I do ok for awhile and then I get angry. I suppose this will pass with time.

 

It does pass. I was so angry at him. I was so angry at myself.

 

I am not really angry anymore. That is not to say I am his friend. He did not get what he wanted. I'm moving towards indifference.

[whatever29]

It does pass. I was so angry at him. I was so angry at myself.

 

I am not really angry anymore. That is not to say I am his friend. He did not get what he wanted. I'm moving towards indifference.

 

Yes, indifference is the destination. The journey to get there seems to run through all the emotions. Though, maybe I am putting myself through this. I try not to feel angry at myself because I know my heart was always coming from the right place.

 

I've been looking for someone else, in order to focus my attention somewhere else. Someone else has been hard to find...

[anika99]

Yes, indifference is the destination. The journey to get there seems to run through all the emotions. Though, maybe I am putting myself through this. I try not to feel angry at myself because I know my heart was always coming from the right place.

 

I've been looking for someone else, in order to focus my attention somewhere else. Someone else has been hard to find...

 

 

Maybe where you need to put your attention is on yourself. Not on the MM and not on getting another man. Learn to make yourself happy without a man first.

 

I notice that throughout this thread you have peppered your posts with statements relating to how you were innocent, you were just trying to help the MM, your were just being a caring soul, your heart was pure, etc. I think that is misguided thinking. Why do you see messing with a married man who has a dying wife as doing a good deed? Do you really see yourself as a special caring person because you aided a man to cheat on his sick and dying wife? Also does a person who has a dying spouse really need the complication of an affair? If your MM really was the tortured lost soul he led you to believe he was (he wasn't, he was just a run of the mill cheater) then how does getting involved in an affair help him? Wouldn't that just add to his angst and confusion?

 

I think it might be more helpful to your recovery if you accept that you had a hand in this affair and you played a role in the cheating and deceit too. You don't have to be angry at yourself but if you really want to move on it might be empowering to realize that you have ownership over your life and your choices and that you can choose different in the future.

[whatever29]

Sure, I'd love to take responsibility clear my conscious and tell his wife. Maybe that would do the trick! I could finally feel some resolution.

Edited September 26, 2016 by whatever29

[aileD]

You do realize by creeping on FB, you don't really have NC. You're still caught up in it.

 

You don't have six weeks. It's just six weeks of not talking to him....if you stop creeping, you will be able to move on much quicker and all the nasty wishes you have for his wife and him won't matter anymore.

 

Your hurt and inability to let go is changing you into a cruel person.

[whatever29]

I still care about him in some way. I'm not trying to be cruel and I am staying away from FB. I am looking for someone else and am putting my efforts there.

[imperfectangel]

For me looking at fb doesn't break nc. You still haven't had any contact with him

 

I blocked my mm and his w on mine, I don't need to see all that and neither do you. It'll only make you feel worse if anything

[aileD]

I still care about him in some way. I'm not trying to be cruel and I am staying away from FB. I am looking for someone else and am putting my efforts there.

 

You need to focus on YOU.

 

Work on yourself, and the right person will find you.

[aileD]

For me looking at fb doesn't break nc. You still haven't had any contact with him

 

I blocked my mm and his w on mine, I don't need to see all that and neither do you. It'll only make you feel worse if anything

 

It keeps your head in the affair. Distracts you from moving forward. You might not physically see him but you're putting him in your life every day ("you" in general). The best way to get over an affair from any angle (OW, BS, WS) is time and distance. You're not putting distance if youre caught up on Facebook.

 

BS do this all the time too. Takes away the focus on the work they have to do in their marriage.

 

I'm glad to see OP is not checking as much and moving on.

[BTDT2012]

I still care about him in some way. I'm not trying to be cruel and I am staying away from FB. I am looking for someone else and am putting my efforts there.

Your time would be better spent on working on yourself. Figure out why you were willing to put so much into a relationship with an unavailable man. Accept the fact that what you did was wrong. Do better in the future.

[S2B]

Sure, I'd love to take responsibility clear my conscious and tell his wife. Maybe that would do the trick! I could finally feel some resolution.

 

She does deserve to know who she is REALLY married to.

 

 

You've accused him of lying by omission but you haven't told her what truths you know about him.

[imperfectangel]

It keeps your head in the affair. Distracts you from moving forward. You might not physically see him but you're putting him in your life every day ("you" in general). The best way to get over an affair from any angle (OW, BS, WS) is time and distance. You're not putting distance if youre caught up on Facebook.

 

BS do this all the time too. Takes away the focus on the work they have to do in their marriage.

 

I'm glad to see OP is not checking as much and moving on.

 

Everyone's different. Looking them up on Fb wasn't like that for me. I'd dehumanised his wife so much I forgot she even existed. It made me realise that yes he really did have a family etc. Obviously he does but putting faces to names etc makes it more real. That was the beginning of the end for me

[whatever29]

She does deserve to know who she is REALLY married to.

 

You've accused him of lying by omission but you haven't told her what truths you know about him.

 

 

If she hasn't figured out who she is married too...well that's not my call to reveal.

Edited October 7, 2016 by whatever29

[elaine567]

Everyone's different. Looking them up on Fb wasn't like that for me. I'd dehumanised his wife so much I forgot she even existed. It made me realise that yes he really did have a family etc. Obviously he does but putting faces to names etc makes it more real. That was the beginning of the end for me

 

Yes, dehumanise is a good word.

It surprises me that some on here after weeks, months, years even, THEN decide to look their MM and his family up on FB and are shocked at what they find. They become very upset when the wife is not some dowdy dragon lady, but an attractive women who by the pics anyway, obviously loves the bones of her man and her family...

Edited October 7, 2016 by elaine567
typo