Religion wrecked my marriage, is there any way back?

[Spiroza]

Ok, so this is really complicated and I'd be grateful for any advice.

 

I was married to a man who was totally anti religion, as am I. Over the years he became interested in religion and decided to become a Christian, and explore his faith fully. He became very serious about this over a couple of years. Without wishing to offend anyone, this caused major problems in our marriage at I abhor organised religion, believing it causes more problems than it solves. From my point of view, he had brought this third party in to our relationship, and suddenly I was not the most important thing in his life anymore, and where there was a conflict of views his religious opinion always came first.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a bad person, I live by what I consider a good moral code, but it's not a religious one. I was made to feel unimportant, and inadequate, and like I wasn't valued. Part of this was his newly found beliefs, and part was my reaction to them. Sadly we couldn't get past this and ended up separating, though we stayed good friends.

 

Now, a couple of years later, and still friends, he's asked me to go away with him to an event at both will enjoy. I've agreed and we're all booked and will be staying away for a few days together . Neither of us are seeing anyone else, I've dated a couple of unsuitable people over the last year or so, he's seen a few women platonically. I still care deeply for this man, and part of me wishes we could try again, whilst part of me knows the same issues would still be there, and I'll never be as important to him as his God. To me, in a relationship your partner is the most important thing, and you live together equally, putting the other one first. Is this even possible in a religious relationship? Should I try again, if he even wants to? Or is there no hope because of our different beliefs?

[bummer]

To me, in a relationship your partner is the most important thing, and you live together equally, putting the other one first. Is this even possible in a religious relationship? Should I try again, if he even wants to? Or is there no hope because of our different beliefs?

 

Dont blame Jesus.

 

Obviously the religious relationship of marriage works for many couples in equal, fulfilling relationships under the eyes of God. God's just the friendly third wheel to help people do the right thing.

 

Should you try if he wants to? Yeah, but you'll compromise your staunch believe to do so. Can you open your mind for a bit of Jesus?

 

Of course there is hope. Free your mind of your disdain for Faith. Get more creative about what boundaries are truly important and which are just constructs of your selfish mind to protect your ego. Find a line that works. Find a harmony with him and his love for you, and a respect for his space and time for Faith which you can use for unstructured not-religious reflection. find and where you see or. if he's already gone ten miles up Jesus creek and 90% of his day is taken, yeah, it's not gonna work. He must compromise also.

[salparadise]

To me, in a relationship your partner is the most important thing, and you live together equally, putting the other one first. Is this even possible in a religious relationship? Should I try again, if he even wants to? Or is there no hope because of our different beliefs?

 

 

No one can answer that question for you. There are successful couples where one is religious and the other is atheist, agnostic, humanist, etc.

 

I think this will depend on his brand of Christianity, and your ability to accept it. If he subscribes to one of the fundamentalist denominations––you know, where they interpret literally and cease to make rational decisions, deferring to God's will for everything––then I'd say no, you'll never be happy with that. However, there are liberal denominations where people celebrate faith and otherwise function normally in their day-to-day life. You might be able to deal with that.

 

Something tells me he is the former, preoccupied with some form of fundamentalism... cult like, can't go an hour or two without deferring a decision to a deity and waiting for the voice to answer. If that's the case, I wouldn't even try.

 

Will he compromise––switch to a liberal denomination? UU doesn't do dogma, and Presbyterian USA allows for some diversity.

 

Someone once asked the father of one of my friends if he was religious. He replied, "no, I'm Presbyterian."

[CarrieT]

OP, I'm an occultist so take this with whatever grain of salt you want, but I do think you are putting your Ex's "relationship" with God (or whatever deity one believes in) on the same, physical plane as one he would have with you. And it would akin to you ending your marriage to a person because they had a loving "relationship" with their child and you were just as jealous of that *that* loving bond between two people.

 

There are different kinds of love and different kinds of relationship and one's relationship with God. Now I am like you and I also abhor organized religion. What happened in your marriage was not his relationship to God, but how YOU were ultimately treated. And instead of exhalting you as his wife, you were belittled. So unless he treats you differently, nothing will have changed.

 

I'm a middle aged woman who only married a few years ago, but - again, as I said - I'm an occultist (30+ years), but I met and married a born-again Christian. Blew me out of the water that we could be compatible, but we discussed our different beliefs at length and found our core philosophies on life and how to treat people were essentially the same. And we put each other on pedestals for who we are as individuals - not tear each other down.

 

So if your Ex can't do that for you, than I would say there can't be a future together.

[central]

I would say there is no hope, because he will always look down on you now that he has these religious viewpoints on relationships. He is going to feel superior, and want you to change. Don't waste your time and set yourself up for another disappointment.

 

My ex got religion near the end of our relationship, and that was the last straw. I left and started dating - and yes, it's difficult to find truly compatible people with whom there is also great attraction, but it is possible. I had a LOT of first dates, and if there wasn't compatibility + attraction, there'd be no second. I'd go on to the next, and the next ... until it all clicks, which it finally did for me.

[MJJean]

 

I'm a middle aged woman who only married a few years ago, but - again, as I said - I'm an occultist (30+ years), but I met and married a born-again Christian. Blew me out of the water that we could be compatible, but we discussed our different beliefs at length and found our core philosophies on life and how to treat people were essentially the same.

 

I know many people who are in mixed faith marriages. Some are couples who are of different religions, some are people of faith who married people who do not have religion at all. It is very true that having compatible values and life philosophies makes a huge difference!

 

My son is Atheist and my DH and I are Catholic. DS has mentioned being concerned that he will fall in love w a Christian woman and the difference will cause problems. The funny thing is, though, that DS is VERY Christian in values and morals, though he doesn't believe in God. He's even said that he thinks Christian teachings are good for society. If he does happen to love a Christian woman, I don't think there will be much of a problem for them.

 

OP, a Christian is supposed to put God before all. Self, spouse, even children. However, a good Christian is also supposed to behave in a loving and humble manner towards their spouse. A Christian is supposed to love their spouse as they love themselves. As Jesus loves us. It could maybe work out if you can allow him free practice of his faith and if he could understand that you are a good person despite not sharing his beliefs and give you the respect you deserve.

[smackie9]

Some people use and abuse belief. This is why IMO religion is so hypocritical. He has a misconception on what a true Christian should be and that is to be loving and kind to all whether they believe or not. Being condemning/judging people is self righteous crap.

 

The only way to handle him is to be honest. Open honest communication will give you the right direction for the both of you. Maybe he has settled down with this and is willing to compromise. Only time will tell and how your conversations will go.