My BFF's Boyfriend Bought Her Work-Out Outfit For Birthday...

[katiegrl]

Hey guys, my girlfriend has been dating this guy for years.... since she met him she has gained about 50 pounds...

 

Couple of days ago, she comes over wearing a cute workout outfit and told me Xxxxx bought it for her birthday.....

 

They were meeting in a few to go running together!

 

With so many men creating threads about how their girlfriends have gained weight and not knowing how to handle, I think this is a great idea!

 

She told me at first she was offended, because obviously it was a big hint from him that she really needs to lose weight and work out (ouch).... but she is okay about it now!

 

And she is adamant about losing weight and getting in shape now!

 

What do y'all think?

 

Ladies would you be offended?

 

Guys, what do you think about how her bf handled? Bought her a cute workout outfit, and proposed they go running together?

Edited July 9, 2016 by katiegrl

[jen1447]

If she's ok w it that's all that matters but personally I'd find that cludgy. I'd just want you to speak to me about your concerns, not try to manipulate the situation.

[katiegrl]

If she's ok w it that's all that matters but personally I'd find that cludgy. I'd just want you to speak to me about your concerns, not try to manipulate the situation.

 

Agree but reading this board, when a man's gf gains a significant amount of weight, it turns him off, but he doesn't know how to deal.

 

Remember that one recent thread, it turned explosive!

 

I am now wondering if it was started by my friend's boyfriend!

 

Some posters advised him to suggest they go running together!

 

This is the same friend who wants to get married but her bf was (still is) stalling.

 

Could the fact she gained so much weight be the reason?

 

Again, reading some of these threads, some guys have real serious issues about it.... despite claiming they love their girlfriends.

 

Anyway, she is okay about it now but she definitely wasn't at first!

Edited July 9, 2016 by katiegrl

[sc0316]

Is she pretty tall? I just thought 50lbs is a lot of weight to gain for reasons not due to childbearing; she could easily look like a different person.

[katiegrl]

Is she pretty tall? I just thought 50lbs is a lot of weight to gain for reasons not due to childbearing; she could easily look like a different person.

 

She is average height, around 5'7" ....

 

I noticed how much she had been gaining and mentioned it (nicely)... but she just laughed it off.

 

She mistakenly thought her bf didn't care.....

[Shining One]

I can't remember where I saw this, but I remember reading about a man who bought his girlfriend a really fancy dress that she wanted in the size she used to be when they first started dating. She used it as motivation to get back in shape.

 

Personally, I think it's a bit manipulative, but it seems to be working for your friend. I guess this is a case of knowing your target audience and using the right approach for them.

[preraph]

Unless she asked for it unsolicited, she should be offended, and I bet she is and is just trying to convince herself not to be.

[Gloria25]

Ok, then please enlighten us...

 

How can a man be supportive then?

 

If he bought her a gym membership, offended. If he bought her running shoes, offended. If he dare ask her to do something about her weight, offended.

 

So I'm curious here. How can a guy be supportive of his woman's need to improve her physical appearance?

 

I mean, I'm tired of reading threads where when a woman stops having a desire to have sex, gain weight, and/or stop putting on makeup/doing her hair (grooming) that somehow it's the guys' problem/responsibility to encourage, motivate, etc. the woman.

 

So, now, this guy simply buys her some workout clothes and yes he is charged with the crime of "offending" her. Can a guy win here?

[Gloria25]

I can't remember where I saw this, but I remember reading about a man who bought his girlfriend a really fancy dress that she wanted in the size she used to be when they first started dating. She used it as motivation to get back in shape.

 

Personally, I think it's a bit manipulative, but it seems to be working for your friend. I guess this is a case of knowing your target audience and using the right approach for them.

 

On Sex and the City, post Miranda having a baby, they were all chatting and she pulled out her "skinny jeans" that she said was her motivation to fit back into - and yes, ultimately she did.

 

So, it's ok when a woman and other woman pull out something she wore when she was thinner - but "offensive" and/or "manipulative" if a guy buys her something of a size when she was thinner?

 

Please explain the difference...

[katiegrl]

Ok, then please enlighten us...

 

How can a man be supportive then?

 

If he bought her a gym membership, offended. If he bought her running shoes, offended. If he dare ask her to do something about her weight, offended.

 

So I'm curious here. How can a guy be supportive of his woman's need to improve her physical appearance?

 

I mean, I'm tired of reading threads where when a woman stops having a desire to have sex, gain weight, and/or stop putting on makeup/doing her hair (grooming) that somehow it's the guys' problem/responsibility to encourage, motivate, etc. the woman.

 

So, now, this guy simply buys her some workout clothes and yes he is charged with the crime of "offending" her. Can a guy win here?

 

Gloria, you are missing the point....

 

My friend did *not* tell her bf she has a desire to lose weight.

 

She did *not* tell him she wants to get into better shape.

 

They never even discussed it!

 

HE took it upon himself to decide that *she* needs to lose weight, HE took it upon himself to decide that *she* needs to get into better shape ...... so bought her a workout outfit for her birthday...... as a way to hint that HE thinks she needs to lose weight and HE thinks she needs work out.

 

Imagine her surprise when opened the box containing the workout clothes?

 

She doesn't work out, does not even belong to a gym!!!

 

"Oh a workout outfit" how lovely. So you think I need to work out? So you think I'm fat?"

 

Yes she was very offended at first, but they talked about it, he finally expressed to her that her gaining weight bothered him, turned him off, but he loves her, wants it to work.

 

She loves him too, so she worked through the emotions, and is okay now.

 

The outfit is actually very adorable and they now go running together! She is determined to lose weight.

 

Win win imo.

Edited July 10, 2016 by katiegrl

[Agricorim]

But only, if the boyfriend had previously discussed it with me, and did it out of concern for my health.

 

However, buying it as a birthday present is just... 'no'.

[katiegrl]

But only, if the boyfriend had previously discussed it with me, and did it out of concern for my health.

 

However, buying it as a birthday present is just... 'no'.

 

See my post right before yours.

 

No they had never discussed it.

 

It was a complete surprise. More of a shock actually......

 

It's funny cuz I asked her how her birthday went down..??

 

In past years, she was always super excited, Xxxxx did this, bought me this beautiful braclet blah blah...

 

This time she was down and did not want to discuss.

 

At first I thought they had broken up!

 

But then seeing her on Thursday in the outfit, she was all happy and pumped up about going running with him!

 

So it's all cool now. Not sure what's gonna happen with them though....

 

As I said she wants to marry him and has for awhile .....but he has been stalling (see my previous thread).

 

She is like a sister to me. We have been friends since grade school! So I care.

Edited July 10, 2016 by katiegrl

[amaysngrace]

Partnerships are give and take. If she's wanting to lose weight for herself and him and he's willing to help her lose weight then it sounds to me like they have a pretty healthy relationship.

[preraph]

Whether a partner decides to lose weight isn't up to the other partner. The other partner can just decide whether to stay or leave. And frankly, most women will gladly let them go once they figure out how they can't love them once they gain some weight because that's what happens to most people both after they have kids and naturally as you grow older.

[katiegrl]

Partnerships are give and take. If she's wanting to lose weight for herself and him and he's willing to help her lose weight then it sounds to me like they have a pretty healthy relationship.

 

Agree .... and if she had expressed to him *before* her birthday her desire to lose weight .... and *then* he bought her the outfit and proposed running as a way to be supportive....THAT would have been infinitely better....

 

But that is not how it went down....

 

That said, she *has* gained a lot of weight and this was his way of telling her it bugged him ... and proposed a way to fix what he deemed a problem for him....

 

And she benefits too by losing weight which she admitted the other day, she wants to do too.

 

For him? For herself? Probably a little of both....

[basil67]

So I'm curious here. How can a guy be supportive of his woman's need to improve her physical appearance?

 

It doesn't sound like she had a need to improve her physical appearance.

[SwordofFlame]

As a guy, I would not be happy if my girlfriend just let herself go and gained a substantial amount of weight. Certain health conditions notwithstanding, weight is something you have a great deal of control over. The way I see it, it's no different than when a guy gets comfortable and perhaps stops taking his gf on dates and instead chooses to play video games all day.

[katiegrl]

As a guy, I would not be happy if my girlfriend just let herself go and gained a substantial amount of weight. Certain health conditions notwithstanding, weight is something you have a great deal of control over. The way I see it, it's no different than when a guy gets comfortable and perhaps stops taking his gf on dates and instead chooses to play video games all day.

 

Thanks for your input SoF..... just out of curiosity, how would you handle it if your gf gained a significant amount of weight since you first started dating?

 

Would you discuss with her, tell her how you feel?

 

Or send the subtle hint by arbitrarily buying her a workout outfit for her birthday?

 

I am no longer with my VERY blunt and direct ex, but knowing him he would have been very direct in telling me it bugged him.... which although I wouldn't have been thrilled hearing .... I would have appreciated .... as by telling me direct, at least I know how he feels and he is not bottling it up letting it fester...

 

I know many women would not go for that blunt approach though, so what's the answer?

 

How do you convey it bugs you without offending?

Edited July 10, 2016 by katiegrl

[preraph]

I assume if you are married to someone, you already know them well enough they don't need to tell you you're becoming a fat slob. But it's still not their decision to make. If a man had ever commented on it, my sexual desire for them would have gone poof, just like that. I mean, we are all usually putting up with some flaw in the other person, whether physical or otherwise. A person is a living changing being, not something you bought that is now defective because it's not remaining identical to what you married. That's just so childish.

[katiegrl]

I assume if you are married to someone, you already know them well enough they don't need to tell you you're becoming a fat slob. But it's still not their decision to make. If a man had ever commented on it, my sexual desire for them would have gone poof, just like that. I mean, we are all usually putting up with some flaw in the other person, whether physical or otherwise. A person is a living changing being, not something you bought that is now defective because it's not remaining identical to what you married. That's just so childish.

 

So you don't believe in sharing negative thoughts or feelings?

 

For the guy, he should just keep his negative feelings to himself so as to not rock the boat or offend?

 

For the woman, as SoF explained, if he is becoming lazy, not taking her out anymore, watching video games all day, she should keep her negative feelings about it to herself also?

 

How does anything get resolved if feelings (negative and positive) aren't being discussed?

 

I am talking about a relationship that has been going on almost 3.5 years..not a marriage.

 

Although I believe all feelings (negative and positive) should be conveyed and discussed in a marriage too...

Edited July 10, 2016 by katiegrl

[SwordofFlame]

Thanks for your input SoF..... just out of curiosity, how would you handle it if your gf gained a significant amount of weight since you first started dating?

 

Would you discuss with her, tell her how you feel?

 

Or send the subtle hint by arbitrarily buying her a workout outfit for her birthday?

 

I am no longer with my VERY blunt and direct ex, but knowing him he would have been very direct in telling me it bugged him.... which although I wouldn't have been thrilled hearing .... I would have appreciated .... as by telling me direct, at least I know how he feels and he is not bottling it up letting it fester...

 

I know many women would not go for that blunt approach though, so what's the answer?

 

How do you convey it bugs you without offending?

Hard to answer because I haven't had to deal with it. I suppose I wouldn't pressure her to lose weight. I would probably just break up if she kept gaining and gaining.

[katiegrl]

Boy this must be a really sensitive topic.....preraph NO ONE is saying or even suggesting their partner is "defective" because she (he) gained weight....geez..

 

But we are all human, in a LTR certain things are going to crop up and bother us... we should be allowed to express those negative feelings without being shamed or deemed an insensitive, shallow or horrible person for doing so.... .

 

This goes for both men and women.

 

Relationships are tough, conveying, discussing and resolving negative feelings and issues are imperative to assure its success..... and good health.

 

This is what I have learned anyway...

Edited July 10, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gloria25]

Boy this must be a really sensitive topic.....preraph NO ONE is saying or even suggesting their partner is "defective" because she (he) gained weight....geez..

 

But we are all human, in a LTR certain things are going to crop up and bother us... we should be allowed to express those negative feelings without being shamed or deemed an insensitive, shallow or horrible person for doing so.... .

 

This goes for both men and women.

 

Relationships are tough, conveying, discussing and resolving negative feelings and issues are imperative to assure its success..... and good health.

 

This is what I have learned anyway...

 

Thank you....

 

Let's say this was another issue - such as how your SO spends money. Ok, so if you dare bring up their spending, you're out the door? So, you just need to sit around when a problem arises and just hope your SO has telepathy and figure out that they need to fix it?

 

And no, no one can tell another person what to do with their body - but if our (male and female) weight, grooming, and/or appearance wasn't important to attract and keep another person - then why do people get dressed up to go on a date? Why not "let it all hang out" cuz that's what's "naturally" gonna happen in a few years anyway right?

 

There are many people who have kids, age, etc. and take care of their appearance. No, you can't fight all of nature, but you can do things like eating well, exercise, etc. You just don't sit around and let yourself go and tell your SO to "take it or leave it". If your husband got a beer belly, sat around and rubbed it all day and it repulsed you, would you dare say a thing to him and/or buy him some workout clothes?

 

IMO, women are not "subtle" when it comes to pointing out what a guy isn't doing right in a RL, so why do guys have to walk around on eggshells?

[Gloria25]

A woman doesnt "need" to improve her physical appearance for anyone except herself.

 

 

 

No brainer. Her body is her body: she gets to decide what she does with it and how she looks. Not anyone else. If he doesnt like her decision theres the door.

 

To answer the OP post: I think it would have been much more appropriate if it wasn't done as a birthday gift. If it was instead done randomly.

 

But aren't birthday gifts in the "random" category? Not everyone approaches each birthday with demands as to what they expect as a gift. So, even a birthday gift can be a "surprise" or "random" too.

 

No, no one can tell a man or a woman what to do with his/her appearance. But, if you marry your SO showing one way of taking care of yourself then do a 180 and/or give up on that - how is that fair to your SO to think they married you based on things they liked about you (i.e. your appearance) only for you to drop that and not care to do a thing about it barely 3.5 years into the marriage?

 

Geesh, well, since a guy has no right to raise this issue and must see himself to the door, then good - when women get divorced w/o an explanation, I'm sure they'll complain about not being given a chance to fix what was failing in the RL

 

A guy can never win I guess...

[jen1447]

Or send the subtle hint by arbitrarily buying her a workout outfit for her birthday?

 

The problem is, that's not a subtle hint. It's a bludgeon w a club, even if the person thinks they're being clever. It plainly and openly says "I think you need to lose weight," only it's delivered w cowardice, and on top of that it carries that special little caveat that not only did you lack the balls to just discuss it openly, you felt you could trick the person into adopting a behavior that would help you achieve your goal whether they wanted it or not. (It'd be diff if forex you discussed it and she said she wanted to lose weight and intended to start working out and then you bought her an outfit.)

 

Think about it - is anyone so dumb that they'd think "Ah cool, a workout outfit. Hey I have an idea! I'll use this to work out in - that way maybe I can lose some of this extra weight I've been putting on. Neat!"

 

I know some ppl are very vulnerable and would hate the idea of an upfront talk about what's bothering their partner if it's weight, but that's a separate issue. If you can't discuss that stuff you have communication problems. The weight issue is its own thing and the only healthy way to approach and resolve it is thru open communication. Not tricks or stunts.