Dating the "ex" sans expectations?

[born3d]

We casually went out for almost 3 months (I did not assume it was monogamous but it was). Attracted to each other but he never got to know some basic things about me so there wasn't a major reason to break up. We had never talked about our relationship until one time, under pressure from my mom and my therapist I gave him the relationship ultimatum and he declined so I said bye-bye.

It's been over a month since then. I'm going on dates with others. I plan on going asking him to touch base briefly (he has to return an item to me) and maybe then ask to hang out pressure-free so that we can have more to work with in order to know if this really won't work. What do y'all think?

[Zahara]

We casually went out for almost 3 months (I did not assume it was monogamous but it was). Attracted to each other but he never got to know some basic things about me so there wasn't a major reason to break up. We had never talked about our relationship until one time, under pressure from my mom and my therapist I gave him the relationship ultimatum and he declined so I said bye-bye.

It's been over a month since then. I'm going on dates with others. I plan on going asking him to touch base briefly (he has to return an item to me) and maybe then ask to hang out pressure-free so that we can have more to work with in order to know if this really won't work. What do y'all think?

 

I think you're bargaining with yourself. Go back and read your other thread. Remind yourself of the the reality, which was that he wasn't interested in you after 3 months of seeing you and put you in the FWB bucket. I hardly believe your emotional investment has changed much after a month -- sans expectations doesn't sound reasonable -- be honest with yourself.

 

Most times when you get demoted to FWB, there you will stay. When you say "more to work" with it sounds like you're hoping to present a more attractive version of yourself to entice him?

 

It's likely you're using the "item" as an ice breaker but just get the item back, if it's really worth it and keep moving on.

Edited July 9, 2016 by Zahara

[guest569]

I agree with the above. And what you are suggesting sounds really unfair to you and i don't see any good coming from it. I don't know what the ultimatum was but it must have been really important to you.

[born3d]

Thanks Zahara!

more to work with i.e. more room for us to actually know each other instead of relying on infatuation to make the call.

Also does it have to be fwb or just dating around?

[born3d]

I agree with the above. And what you are suggesting sounds really unfair to you and i don't see any good coming from it. I don't know what the ultimatum was but it must have been really important to you.

 

It wasn't a direct ultimatum but I just told him that we maybe didn't want the same things but i was still confused at the time. Now I see that he can't be everything for me but I would like to keep him around

[born3d]

Also I have never been in a relationship or done anything past a second date with anyone other than him...

[Zahara]

Thanks Zahara!

more to work with i.e. more room for us to actually know each other instead of relying on infatuation to make the call.

Also does it have to be fwb or just dating around?

 

I don't think he desired "knowing you" then because he was not interested in you and I don't think much can change in a month. I think you are projecting your emotions in that you see the value of what you had and you're placing that on him. He moved on because he saw no value in it.

 

If you want to keep him around as an FWB, then by all means do so but you have an emotional attachment to him so chances are it's going to hurt you.

 

Also, when you show a man that you are willing to compromise your values and standards, you will only discredit yourself in their eyes. It's bad enough he demoted you to FWB...

[guest569]

Thanks Zahara!

more to work with i.e. more room for us to actually know each other instead of relying on infatuation to make the call.

Also does it have to be fwb or just dating around?

 

 

A few months should be long enough to know if you want to continue dating..

and him dating other people at that point is your answer. I personally think his suggestion for demoting you to a sex buddy is really poor.

[Zahara]

It wasn't a direct ultimatum but I just told him that we maybe didn't want the same things but i was still confused at the time. Now I see that he can't be everything for me but I would like to keep him around

 

Regardless of whether it was a direct ultimatum, you were confused but he was clear. And it seems that you were more invested emotionally than he was therefore, keeping him around is a bad idea.

 

After expressing to him my concerns about our lack of progression and commitment, he admitted to not being in love, suggesting that we see other people (while still together) as a compromise. I responded by saying we should take a break and that I wanted someone who was totally in.

Without giving it much thought we agreed to be friends for a while.

[born3d]

Thanks guys, for your great attention to detail.

I'm just mad because we both marched into dating v clumsily and I would feel less "WTF" if we had made clear that we'd date other people initially.

I'm just ashamed of how half-in half-out we were, which was a consequence of having not talked about "us" at all.

While with him there were many points where I started talking to other guys but wasn't sure if I was supposed to.

I posted on here just to straighten out what I find to be an unacceptable mess. Like or no like we're both really bad at dating. It just hurts to be involved in a botched attempt. The connection only ever felt right in the bedroom.

[Zahara]

I'm just mad because we both marched into dating v clumsily and I would feel less "WTF" if we had made clear that we'd date other people initially.

I'm just ashamed of how half-in half-out we were, which was a consequence of having not talked about "us" at all.

While with him there were many points where I started talking to other guys but wasn't sure if I was supposed to.

I posted on here just to straighten out what I find to be an unacceptable mess. Like or no like we're both really bad at dating. It just hurts to be involved in a botched attempt. The connection only ever felt right in the bedroom.

 

The only reason he decided that you both should date others was because you asked for commitment after 3 months of seeing each other. I think you're trying to create these scenarios and justifications up in your head to explain why this did not work out. The simple reason is that he saw no future and wasn't interested in taking it any further. Of course, he'd be happy to have sex and all the benefits, hence it only felt right in the bedroom. It wasn't because he was "clumsy", it was because he knew what he wanted out of it and when it didn't suit his needs, he chose to exit.

 

Listen, if a man is interested in you and wants to take it to the next level, he will show you -- with effort and with interest and he will definitely make it known.

[born3d]

Thanks zahara.

I just wanted to prove I could enter a relationship.

Neither of us should have to limit our options but I just don't see what's so terrible about including each other in that pool of options.

[Zahara]

Thanks zahara.

I just wanted to prove I could enter a relationship.

Neither of us should have to limit our options but I just don't see what's so terrible about including each other in that pool of options.

 

Go out there and date others. It's only been a month since you ended so give yourself more time to detach and clear yourself from the fog.

 

Put this guy in the past. It's clear that you're still emotionally attached to him and that is understandable but it doesn't justify revisiting him.

 

What's terrible is that you have an emotional attachment and he does not -- the risk of hurt bears heavily on you as well as the loss of your self-respect.

 

I think it all boils down to you hoping he'll want you this time around that is why you want to be in his "pool of options".

[born3d]

OK. I'm so grateful for your support. It means a lot because my friends would just side with me, while my family would judge me hard. Maybe if i let go of the guilt of feeling sorry for oneself it'd help me move on.

 

I only started going out with him to get over a 2-year-long case of unrequited love and now I'm looking to others to do the same thing all over again. Except this time it's more like "unrequited almost-love" *rolls eyes*

 

I can't see myself ever healing over a guy without the help of a new one. Some people are capable of healing singlehandedly, but it feels like a pipe-dream to me personally.

 

In my mind asking him about why he used me might help me move on. It'd show that I accept the reality of it being over. But idk.

[basil67]

This thing about being half in and out wasn't because you hadn't talked about the relationship. It was because there was lack of interest in actually getting to know each other on a more intimate basis.

 

If you'd both been really into each other, you would have gotten to know each other without discussions or prompting. When you find someone where things really click, both of you will take joy in sharing with each other. It's an organic process which happens without needing direction or planning.

 

In short, he didn't get to know you better because he wasn't interested enough to get more involved.

[born3d]

It just saddens me that we can transfer our emotional attachments to various individuals. Makes our efforts at connecting w/ people seem meaningless and totally self-centered. Humanity is so abundant yet it feels like a commodity.

[Zahara]

It just saddens me that we can transfer our emotional attachments to various individuals. Makes our efforts at connecting w/ people seem meaningless and totally self-centered. Humanity is so abundant yet it feels like a commodity.

 

It's life. We've all been there. Not everyone is going to like you or love you.

[born3d]

This thing about being half in and out wasn't because you hadn't talked about the relationship. It was because there was lack of interest in actually getting to know each other on a more intimate basis.

 

If you'd both been really into each other, you would have gotten to know each other without discussions or prompting. When you find someone where things really click, both of you will take joy in sharing with each other. It's an organic process which happens without needing direction or planning.

 

In short, he didn't get to know you better because he wasn't interested enough to get more involved.

 

You are right! Thanks, that's awesome. That must be a wonderful feeling. If that happened to me I'd panic so much about losing that person! haha truth.

 

It's beyond painful to accept that I can't connect with everyone equally. I want to be everything....limitations are terrifying.

My primary philosophy in life is that people have the same basic longings and feelings, which is why art is limitless. I cling onto that affirmation with the utmost hope, but it disappoints me not just in romance but in friendships/acquaintances as well. It takes me years to build a solid base of friendship with a person even with constant exposure to him/her.

[born3d]

This thing about being half in and out wasn't because you hadn't talked about the relationship. It was because there was lack of interest in actually getting to know each other on a more intimate basis.

 

If you'd both been really into each other, you would have gotten to know each other without discussions or prompting. When you find someone where things really click, both of you will take joy in sharing with each other. It's an organic process which happens without needing direction or planning.

 

In short, he didn't get to know you better because he wasn't interested enough to get more involved.

 

So yeah I agree with this and have acknowledged this myself before but was skeptical taking into consideration my recent history of resisting attachment for legitimate-ish reasons. For example, being hot and cold with my office mates on purpose because I don't see myself working there for long.

And with this guy, being half-in half-out because I was thinking about moving across the country by the end of the year.

Because my future is so uncertain it's hard for me to dive into friendships right now. Part of post-grad life anyhow.

[guest569]

Don't feel too bad about it, you just wanted different things. This happens a lot and your mind will play tricks on you and make you question a lot of things about what happened and question your beliefs and values. Figure out what you think is acceptable or unacceptable and stick with that. Figure out what you want, and don't compromise.

[lana-banana]

So yeah I agree with this and have acknowledged this myself before but was skeptical taking into consideration my recent history of resisting attachment for legitimate-ish reasons. For example, being hot and cold with my office mates on purpose because I don't see myself working there for long.

And with this guy, being half-in half-out because I was thinking about moving across the country by the end of the year.

Because my future is so uncertain it's hard for me to dive into friendships right now. Part of post-grad life anyhow.

 

You're trying incredibly hard to convince us (and yourself) that you're okay with what happened. You could only go so far in justifying his poor treatment of you so now you're trying to retroactively cast yourself as ambivalent about it all. You weren't, you still aren't, and that's okay. You don't have to accept casual status just because that's all someone is willing to give you. You can demand better for yourself.

[born3d]

Yup. I'm always denying my true need for connection, so it's easy to flounder regarding what I want romantically, entering experiences that confirm my belief of being just ok/not worth all of someone's energy

[BC1980]

It's okay to have expectations if you are dating someone. Those expectations may not be met or may not align with the other person, but that doesn't mean you should change your expectations. It just means you should go your separate ways. 3 months is long enough to know if you want to be exclusive with a person, so I don't see a problem with having an expectation that he would know by that point.