So, what's the secret to actually coping?

[gonnadropthemic]

How the heck do people "cope"??

 

When people say they are coping, are they doing something particular?

 

What do you do to personally help you cope with your issues?

 

My version of coping is making it through the day without getting sent to the mental ward in a straight jacket

 

I am tired of people telling me these things bc they dont work...

1) just let it go

2) it's mind over matter

3) see a shrink, you need to talk to someone

4) you are depressed and need meds

 

I'm struggling so bad these days bc

1) I've tried to let things go and i can't

2) my mind is winning and I can't control it that easily

3) not ready for a shrink yet, I'll just talk to you all

4) I've been on antidepressants for 3 months now and still having issues

 

the issues:

 

1) I'm highly insecure and jealous and have self esteem issues

2) my husband has lied in the past and now I don't believe a word he says

3) he works in a hospital which makes me think he is always having an affair

4) I am majorly depressed bc of some other things that have happened in the last 2 years

5) there are so many triggers happening on a daily basis it keeps me in this standstill of heartache, anxiety and just pure mental struggle

6) my mind is constantly playing mind games about my husband and other women (even though nothing is going on)

7) I feel like a failure, loser mom, loser wife and just a general failure at life right now due to some recent financial issues and the other things that have happened

8) I don't have any friends, we moved to this new city 2 years ago and still no friends, just raising kids and being a wife.

 

So, seriously... what do you all do to cope and make it through the days??? My husband has been really good at knowing when I'm having triggers or my mind is wandering and that helps a lot. But when he is at work all day is when most of the anxiety and insecurities hit. And then throw on guilt from past things and mistakes I've made and oh man... my poor mental health is just shot these days.

 

Are there any books, ANY recommendations anyone can throw my way for me to try???? and please don't tell me to just let it go trust me, I've tried. Going on a year of a recent issue and still can't move past it.

[Nowty V]

ANY recommendations anyone can throw my way for me to try????

 

I find it all boils down to Diet, Exercise & Sleep. Exercise, like swimming or physical work like gardening help.

 

Some form of exercise you can fit into your day conveniently. It can be hard to stick to in the first place. Joining a martial art class like Muay Thai boxing is ideal, you get to strike things in a controlled environment.

 

Exercise helps to 'move through. the soup of chemicals your brain is sitting in. This soup is formed by glandular secretions, stress enzymes etc.

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

I would confirm about the exercise. Just join a gym you will feel a lot better in awhile.

 

From what I read your husband lied but was the lie that bad why don't you talk to him? Why don't you tell him how you feel and that it is dragging out for too long? Sometimes just the reassurance of someone you love (if genuine) helps you a lot.

 

If that won't help or the lie was too great then yes there are books. You can always check the Net around for books on what troubles you.

 

Don't fixate on things - when you think about your husband having an affair just STOP there. Go for a walk, turn the TV on or just grab your stuff and head to the mall. Do something! Whatever just do it!

You can make a lot of friends. What are you doing for a living? If you find someone nice and funny why don't you ask him out for a coffee? Make some friends by inviting them to your life you can always find someone to have a good conversation and eventually get close.

 

You must fight the feelings your nerves will only get worse if you constantly think about it and you need to preserve them. Vent your anger and sadness here in the forums but don't drag it too much. Try to reach out to other emotions like happiness and confidence. Search for possitive approach to life and that won't happen if you are constantly down you need to have a drastic change!

 

Grab your husband and kids and go to a picnic or something make some new memories and fun situations. If you don't force positive things in life waiting won't help.

 

Hope that helps a wee bit...

 

EDIT: You should stop with the antidepressants right now!!! They will make you addicted and think you are doing better with them but you are only seeing the entry down the rabbit hole. Some people never recover after using pills. Use the most nature pill of them all - your brain. This is important! Don't neglect it, it is a serious issue. No reason to throw your life away. Furthermore you may mess up your brain so much you go into a mental sickness then what!!! Think of your children!

Edited July 10, 2016 by Heart..PLS STAHP

[BelleSkye]

Each one of us has their own coping techniques on LS. Coming onto LS and venting is one of them.

 

I was like you in a similar situation a year ago (and was going on for 4 years). MY biggest trigger was my ex. I too felt like a failure, loser, lonely etc. I gambled a choice of being there for me and protecting / putting my interests first after many years of putting him first.

 

I lost him. And my 'home'. Big corporate job. So called 'friends'.

 

Resentment is the biggest killer in mental health for normal individuals. It basically comes to knowing your self worth and still allowing someone to treat you second best.

 

My coping technique is venting, building life slowly and trying to regain hope. It comes down to self-respect...and not wasting other people's time.

 

By-the-way - don't mean to put more demons into your head - but there is something about your gut-instinct / 6th sense- don't ignore it.....you owe it to your child to put her first. If you get better by being away from your husband so your child can be happy - then do it.

 

If you choose your current mental / emotional state for the sake of being married, then be prepared to have a child with some trust issues as well.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

EDIT: You should stop with the antidepressants right now!!! They will make you addicted and think you are doing better with them but you are only seeing the entry down the rabbit hole. Some people never recover after using pills. Use the most nature pill of them all - your brain. This is important! Don't neglect it, it is a serious issue. No reason to throw your life away. Furthermore you may mess up your brain so much you go into a mental sickness then what!!! Think of your children!

 

To the poster above, I partially agree with you. I do agree that antidepressants can be a devastating experience for most people. In my experience it definitely was and I wish I never tried them, but for most people who opt for these medications, like myself, we truly have a chemical imbalance that adversely affects how we "use our brain." Now that I'm more educated about these medications, I am now a huge advocate for natural supplements. I have tried many and out of all I've tried the best one I like to share with people who need antidepressants is a plant called Sceletium Tortuosum, also known as Kanna in South Africa. This plant has a compound that is essentially an antidepressant and there is even a pharmaceutical drug with only this compound. The reason the plant is better than the pharma drug is because nature usually has many compounds that balance each other, unlike pharma drugs which have one isolated compound which can be potent and toxic on its own.

 

If you are unhappy with your antidepressants, I highly recommend you try it! It has truly saved me. Unfortunately, you probably won't find it in stores thanks to our greedy government and pharmaceutical companies, but I buy mine online on Ebay or Amazon since they have paypal and safeguards against thieves, which is safer than independent websites. I hope this helps someone as it has me.

[burnt]

My version of coping is making it through the day without getting sent to the mental ward in a straight jacket

That would be my version of copying too. So you are not alone (in your struggle).

 

I am tired of people telling me these things bc they dont work...

1) just let it go

2) it's mind over matter

I hate these platitudes with a passion. However true they might be, hearing them only makes my "copying" even worse, because then all I feel is that everybody successfully gets an A+ in "letting go", while I suck at it no matter how hard I try. These lines are the least helpful HOLLOW empty catch phrases to hear when you feel stuck.

 

3) see a shrink, you need to talk to someone

I made fun of shrinks for the longest time in my life.

 

Talking to friends is important; talking to people in similar situation (like in this site or in support groups) is also helpful.

But neither is a substitute for talking to a GOOD therapist. A skilled therapist doesn't just sit there charging you an hourly rate for chatting over a cup of tea. There are two major things that happen when you see a therapist over time:

 

1. you get things off your chest; well you can do that with friends and family too, right? Wrong. When you talk to a therapist, the space is YOURS, the time is all YOURS. It is ONLY about what you want to discuss and what you feel. When you talk to friends or family it's never 100% about you. It is about your interactions with them. Even subconsciously you are aware of what you shouldn't reveal. There are secrets you keep. But with a therapist the level of trust and safety in your communication allows you to open up to a complete stranger who is COMPLETELY OBJECTIVE. When friends or family give you feedback they always do it from their points of view, in the way they view you and themselves. A therapist is trained to guide every discussion only around what's going on with you as objectively as possible, yet validating your emotions.

 

2. You think you know yourself? Wrong. You know yourself the least. A therapist guides you to develop skills to be introspective. When I started seeing the therapist I thought I was having problems with my marriage and jobs and the affair I had. My therapist insisted on and on that I needed to go back to my childhood to understand what's going on with me now. Boy was she right! I thought I dealt with my childhood perfectly fine--NO, as I have come to realize through the help of my therapist.

We live our lives with blinders over our own eyes. If you can find a therapist with whom you can have TRUST and COMMUNICATION, you will be thankful--I promise you that. Even if seeing a therapist doesn't solve your current depression, you will understand yourself better.

 

So, can I PLEASE urge you to consider seeing a therapist. Don't set any expectations of getting better after seeing the therapist for a month. You may most likely have to see multiple therapists before you find one with whom you feel a safe connection.

 

4) you are depressed and need meds

I am someone who has never responded to antidepressants. I am against taking these pills, but at the same time, I do recognize that many many people I have met through depression support groups say that they get better through the pills. I can also tell you that for many people, they have to experiment through multiple antidepressants before they find one that gives them positive result. So, I would suggest that you talk to your psychiatrist to switch the meds and try something else.

 

The source of all your problems seem to be rooted in your marriage.

Have the two of you even seen a marriage counselor?

 

You are a woman; your instincts are sharp in picking things up, even when you are not fully aware of the source of the problem. The way you are feeling about your husband hints to something deeply buried that needs to be explored.

 

Our minds are very complex. Our depression is a way for our body to communicate with our minds to essentially say "hey something's wrong with your surrounding; please examine everything in your life". Depression is like a loud alarm system; all it does is make a lot of noise, until you find what caused the alarm to go off.

 

Sorry for being so wordy.

Af for your actual question: repeating what several others have said, exercise is one sure fire way to give you some relief. Try group exercise classes (like spin, yoga, pilates, zoomba); joining classes not only give you the physical boost but also the interactions with other people bring up your mood--it will make you feel less isolated even if it's for only 45 minutes at a time.

[gonnadropthemic]

I would confirm about the exercise. Just join a gym you will feel a lot better in awhile.

 

EDIT: You should stop with the antidepressants right now!!! They will make you addicted and think you are doing better with them but you are only seeing the entry down the rabbit hole. Some people never recover after using pills. Use the most nature pill of them all - your brain. This is important! Don't neglect it, it is a serious issue. No reason to throw your life away. Furthermore you may mess up your brain so much you go into a mental sickness then what!!! Think of your children!

 

 

I'm actually weaning myself off the current ones I'm taking. I took 2 different kinds and the first one was a pretty major anti depressant and it didn't do anything but make me jittery and sick with anxiety BAD. I would wake up jittery and just felt "off". I don't drink coffee but it felt like i had drank a whole pot of it!

 

So I'm with you on this one.. I'm ready to get back to a normal state of mind and I don't think going the anti-depressant route is helping. It's been 3 months and no change. Well, maybe some. The ones I'm taking now are basically mood stabilizers so they do help when I feel like I'm about to just blow up. But I don't want to live like that- using meds to "cope". I want to cope like others do. I might try yoga or something. I don't know. I wish there was some magic answer

 

Currently not working as I'm a SAHM but am working on obtaining my work license/permit to work in the state we are now living in. I think going back to work will help tremendously but it could be another month before that happens.

[gonnadropthemic]

Each one of us has their own coping techniques on LS. Coming onto LS and venting is one of them.

 

 

Resentment is the biggest killer in mental health for normal individuals. It basically comes to knowing your self worth and still allowing someone to treat you second best.

My coping technique is venting, building life slowly and trying to regain hope. It comes down to self-respect...and not wasting other people's time.

 

By-the-way - don't mean to put more demons into your head - but there is something about your gut-instinct / 6th sense- don't ignore it.....you owe it to your child to put her first. If you get better by being away from your husband so your child can be happy - then do it.

 

If you choose your current mental / emotional state for the sake of being married, then be prepared to have a child with some trust issues as well.

 

the bolded part totally nails it! I don't think I could have said that any better. Resentment... HUGE resentments going on over here... and just like you said, I am so over feeling like 2nd or always on the back burner until needed.

 

I don't want to choose anything just for the sake of being married. I just can't do that. I'm usually the one who used to run at first sign of problems but since being in this marriage have tried to hang on. For the kids sake, to make sure I'm not just "running away from it all".... I'm about at my wits end though. I realize my marriage is somewhat dead and I don't see forever with him anymore. I really don't want my kids to grow up and think this kind of relationship is ok either. So you are right on that one. That's a tough one. My dad left my mom when i was 3 and I have never trusted a man since then. Even though he loved my stepmom and was with her until he died, it still showed to me that- yes, men do leave if they want too.

[gonnadropthemic]

That would be my version of copying too. So you are not alone (in your struggle).

 

Thank goodness!! This makes me feel less alone, thank you

 

I hate these platitudes with a passion. However true they might be, hearing them only makes my "copying" even worse, because then all I feel is that everybody successfully gets an A+ in "letting go", while I suck at it no matter how hard I try. These lines are the least helpful HOLLOW empty catch phrases to hear when you feel stuck.

 

Whew! Glad it's not just me! Obviously if all people could just let stuff go, we wouldn't have these forums lol

 

I do think I should see a therapist. I'm just scared of finding the wrong one or having to try a bunch to get to a good one. I'm going by past trials of using one years and years ago. They were awful, I saw them once and never again bc it wasn't what I expected.

 

Any advice on how to find a good legitimate therapist? and is it weird to ask if I should see a female or a male?? who would be more understanding hmmm probably female.

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

Whew! Glad it's not just me! Obviously if all people could just let stuff go, we wouldn't have these forums lol

 

Ofcourse it's not only you! Actually I was so happy when I finally found a place to stay and people having the same issue as me!

 

I do think I should see a therapist.

 

Any advice on how to find a good legitimate therapist? and is it weird to ask if I should see a female or a male?? who would be more understanding hmmm probably female.

 

I've never been to a therapist but I am all in if it will help me get out of a tough situation. I don't know how bad you feel but you do sound you are having back and forths on the whole thing. One time you are feeling ok and then you feel down. For starters I would recommend just visitting the forums. Write about how you are coping with it all, write your feelings, check some other threads.. it's always nice to get lost in other people's similar problems, try to help out or just show them you are there for them - that they are not alone. By helping someone else or just listening to what they have to say it is also a passive therapy that will take your mind off your current problem. At least I am having a TREMENDOUS progress since my joining but you are a different case. If you feel it won't help then a therapist will be the better choice. As for how to find them... probably Google? I never searched for one so I can't be much of a help here.

 

Still we are here for you so don't hesitate to reach out

[Clep]

My separation with my husband was particularly difficult based upon the circumstances. I tried all the go to things like diet, exercise, stress relief, psychologist, etc. Nothing worked.

 

I started reading a personal development book one day to aid myself with another relationship issue in my life and it opened my eyes to a great deal. I got book after book, and when my focus was on myself, it wasn't on my ex. Worked like a charm. Coping for me wasn't trying to ignore the issues but learn how to process them with confidence and move on with bettering myself.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

I've found therapists through my insurance's website and I've searched google, and I just check if they accept my insurance. Unfortunately, you may have to meet different therapists before finding someone you like. I started out with male therapists, but I felt more comfortable with females. Males are good if you want a "male perspective" but since they think differently than we do, they weren't very relatable to me. My latest therapist is great and I can finally say I have a relationship with her. She has helped me through a lot these 2 years and even though I'm very shy, I'm somewhat comfortable sharing with her. It just took a few "trials" to find her. She sees a therapist who is male (yes, my therapist sees a therapist ), so yeah, it depends on what you're comfortable with.

[Traceycprc]

Top of the list for me is No Contact. It was taking back control for me. You know what I have actually forgotten how many days it has been!! He has contacted me I have not replied. It's really hard but it really helps you to move on. I go out on my bike, run and I have enrolled on a photography course. Think about what you would like to do, a new hobby, decorate etc. You need to concentrate on you, build yourself up. Wallowing makes everything so much worse. Sure you have sad days and you hurt, cry it out, get up and do something. Think about the real relationship, not the fantasy. Go through the pain you can't avoid it, if you want to heal, embrace it and go through.

[burnt]

Obviously if all people could just let stuff go, we wouldn't have these forums lol

You know, you are absolutely right on point there. Sometimes, I look at how many thousands of posts have been written just on this site alone going back to years--so many people writing those exact words "I'm having a hard time letting go", yet there are always people ready to spit out advice with a tone of voice "it's so easy-peasy". It takes courage to admit weakness.

 

I do think I should see a therapist. I'm just scared of finding the wrong one or having to try a bunch to get to a good one. I'm going by past trials of using one years and years ago.

 

They were awful, I saw them once and never again bc it wasn't what I expected.

 

Any advice on how to find a good legitimate therapist? and is it weird to ask if I should see a female or a male?? who would be more understanding hmmm probably female.

 

I would like to make an important point about "good therapist". There is no "good" therapist, even though we all use that phrase. There is only a therapist that's a "good match for YOU" or not a "good match for you". Therapy is a very personal intimate matter. You could be seeing the most reputable, most experienced, most renowned and praised therapist highly recommended by your best friend, but that therapist may not work for you and you may not develop a trusting connection with that person. Yes, it can be a *search*.

 

MY Absolute best therapist was a student intern set up by the hospital. I thought she was totally a clueless newbie when I first met her and during my first session. I cooperated because I didn't want to discourage a student in training. I was nothing but shocked when I discovered that underneath the naive young rookie look how incredibly perceptive she was. To what extent she helped me I cannot begin to describe.

 

I didn't feel a connection with my other great therapist for MONTHS, but I kept seeing her since I had no other option. She turned out to be amazing and the connection turned out to be incredibly honest and helpful also.

 

See, if I had the option, I would have seen neither of these therapist after the first session, yet so glad now that I was *forced* to see them both.

 

So, Please keep in mind that you cannot assess how your interaction with a therapist will be after one or two sessions.

 

So whoever you end up seeing, don't ditch him/her until you have given it some time. I know, I do know, what you mean by "fear" when seeing a therapist. I felt the same way--having to start seeing a new person, having to recite all my years of issues, only to then possibly find out that maybe I'm seeing the wrong therapist, and then having to begin the search all over again.

 

As for gender, I'm female and I'm adamant about seeing a female therapist. It's simply a personal preference. If you think you may develop even the slightest "crush" on your therapist, then you go with someone of your own gender.

[OneLov]

I hate these platitudes with a passion. However true they might be, hearing them only makes my "copying" even worse, because then all I feel is that everybody successfully gets an A+ in "letting go", while I suck at it no matter how hard I try. These lines are the least helpful HOLLOW empty catch phrases to hear when you feel stuck.

 

That is the whole point in grief-shaming. When others deny your pain or telling you that you should pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. They want to feel like they deserve an A+.

 

Like, "Look at that person! Geez, what a cry-baby! Thank God that I'm just too totally awesome and super-sweet to ever become vulnerable like that! Gawdddd!"

[guest569]

EDIT: You should stop with the antidepressants right now!!! They will make you addicted and think you are doing better with them but you are only seeing the entry down the rabbit hole. Some people never recover after using pills. Use the most nature pill of them all - your brain. This is important! Don't neglect it, it is a serious issue. No reason to throw your life away. Furthermore you may mess up your brain so much you go into a mental sickness then what!!! Think of your children!

 

This is really bad advice!! Going off anti depressants "right now" could have really awful side effects and devastating consequences. If you feel that they are not making a difference, ask the doctor!

 

I agree with your other suggestions but the above is dangerous.

[not-so-sure]

Coping - what an interesting question.

 

I ended up seeing a psychologist after my affair ended. I was a mess.

 

In the end the best resource he gave me was a book called "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris.

 

This book taught me that your feelings are nothing more than words in your head. They're not necessarily true, and in fact a lot of time they are not, but that's not to the point. It is possible to put a little bit of distance between your thoughts and reality by trying to defuse the thoughts when they enter your head.

 

Rather than saying "I miss him/her and want to contact him/her" which is a concrete observation, as you experience the thought insert the phrase "I am thinking that..." in front of it. This should hopefully remove some of the 'reality' of the thought but still allow you to acknowledge that you're having these thoughts.

 

This is only the tip of the iceberg in The Happiness Trap. There are many more strategies on how to cope with negative thoughts.

 

I think it's vital that you accept that you are having these thoughts and feelings and let them move through you. The whole thrust of The Happiness Trap is allow space in your mind to experience these things but in a productive way. Pushing against them is like holding a balloon underwater. The minute you stop holding it down it will surface pretty abruptly.

 

Oh - and move through the grief at a pace that works for you. It's your journey. Don't necessarily wallow, but you'll know when you're making progress.

[Ibelieveinlove]

I'm a big Abraham Hicks fan. She talks about vibrational energy and being the creators of our own realities. If you're open minded, you should check her out. I suggest going to Youtube, typing in her name and whatever topic you want to hear about. Ex: Abraham Hicks low self-esteem.

 

Just check it out and see if it helps you.