Should I take him back if one day he's divorced?

[norudder]

Would it matter to you who filed? If the wife filed, as is common, wouldnt part of you think it wasnt his choice and he would still be married if it were up to him? Would he go back if she ever changed her mind? I dont think I could handle that uncertainty. He would have to spend some time proving he was serious.

 

I agree with WWIU though that your mental efforts are best directed elsewhere. Write him off as not even a "maybe someday" possibility. If it ever comes up, deal with at that point in time. Dont waste the present, because like you said- you never know what the future will bring, but you wont be open to those future opportunities while carrying one-sided hope.

[Poppy47]

...and there is also another side to that coin too.

Once divorced, does he really want to get involved with a woman who was quite happy to mess around with another woman's husband?

That type of thinking also plays into why many will choose to stay with the "innocent" and "honest" wife, than take a chance with the "scheming" and "deceitful" OW. Totally hypocritical, but it is not uncommon thinking.

 

Even if he does get divorced, some then see that as an opportunity to "express their sexual freedom" as opposed to getting seriously involved with someone else straight away. Dumping "the bridge" soon after getting the divorce finalized is not uncommon either.

 

It is never a good idea for anyone to get seriously involved with newly separated or newly divorced people, they often carry a huge amount of baggage that can take years to sort out in reality, before they are ready to date anyone.

 

xMM is 74 years old now. He is unlikely to divorce or to be expressing much sexual freedom.LOL.

 

He often spoke about what he would do if he were free. He said he would be on my doorstep in a hearbeat.

 

When I went NC I left no hint of any further possibilities in the future. The door is locked and the key has been thrown away.

 

Poppy.

[lilacwine]

xMM is 74 years old now. He is unlikely to divorce or to be expressing much sexual freedom.LOL.

 

He often spoke about what he would do if he were free. He said he would be on my doorstep in a hearbeat.

 

When I went NC I left no hint of any further possibilities in the future. The door is locked and the key has been thrown away.

 

Poppy.

 

Yeah. All they ever did was SPEAK, SPEAK, SPEAK.... The more time passes by, the more I feel I'm nothing but a great big joke to him. Thank you Poppy and many other posters on here. You guys have helped me a lot on my journey towards recovery from the most toxic relationship ever. I think the moment you realize there'd be NO future possibility, you know in your heart you CAN"T ever take him back, that's true closure. I'm working on myself to get there. I'm almost there. Thanks everyone!!!

[Lady2163]

Leaving the bar after an hour is more than reasonable. See what I mean? How is your alcoholic XBF's idea of a relationship even remotely close to yours when he does not see it is important to leave a bar after 10 hours, have dinner together, and not expect your partner to party with you 24/7?

 

If you wanted to party 24/7, you certainly wouldn't need a man to do that. And why would you want to anyway?

 

He was abusive and neglectful. He also had me convinced I couldn't do any better. He didn't drive. I didn't have money. He was paying for supper, I was his ride home.

 

It was a bad time in my life. I've changed a lot since then. I know what I bring to the table. I don't tolerate ANYONE who denies me food, sleep, restroom breaks and basic respect or courtesies. I'm quick to "next". Maybe even too quick to pull the plug.

 

It sounds like your MM failed to meet your wants and needs. Hopefully, he didn't revel in his power and control over you like my ex sociopath boyfriend.

[Darren Steez]

So you're contemplating a theoretical "what if" weighed against the almost certain "he'll never divorce" but you spend your time analyzing what you would say if he ever divorced, which he most certainly wont..

 

meanwhile you get older and life outside moves on..

 

Is this the life you want/desire?

[Lady2163]

So you're contemplating a theoretical "what if" weighed against the almost certain "he'll never divorce" but you spend your time analyzing what you would say if he ever divorced, which he most certainly wont..

 

meanwhile you get older and life outside moves on..

 

Is this the life you want/desire?

 

It's the Internet 21st century version of writing your married name on a notebook 1000 times. As a teen, I wrote "Mrs. Tom Selleck" more times than I care to admit! It was a frivolous waste of time and fantasy. Such as are many topics on all forums.

[lilacwine]

So you're contemplating a theoretical "what if" weighed against the almost certain "he'll never divorce" but you spend your time analyzing what you would say if he ever divorced, which he most certainly wont..

 

meanwhile you get older and life outside moves on..

 

Is this the life you want/desire?

 

Well, I ponder this question as a way to measure how far I have come in my recovery. If in my heart, i still want him back if he's divorced, then it means I'm not over him yet. And I want to hear other people talking some sense to me as to how stupid/unwise it would be to still pine after what a lying cheater ass he is. So that I can get off that mindset forever. That's the whole purpose of this thread.

[oldshirt]

...and there is also another side to that coin too.

Once divorced, does he really want to get involved with a woman who was quite happy to mess around with another woman's husband?

That type of thinking also plays into why many will choose to stay with the "innocent" and "honest" wife, than take a chance with the "scheming" and "deceitful" OW. Totally hypocritical, but it is not uncommon thinking.

 

Even if he does get divorced, some then see that as an opportunity to "express their sexual freedom" as opposed to getting seriously involved with someone else straight away. Dumping "the bridge" soon after getting the divorce finalized is not uncommon either.

 

It is never a good idea for anyone to get seriously involved with newly separated or newly divorced people, they often carry a huge amount of baggage that can take years to sort out in reality, before they are ready to date anyone.

 

 

I want to expand on this a little further. It's actually darker than what Elaine is presenting here.

 

For many WS's, the AP was a good side piece that would have them and let them have their fun on the side while they were married, but they don't really have that much interest in them as an actual partner once they are single.

 

WS's often go for the AP by default because no one else will have them due to being married. It's not like the WS has a true love or true bond and connection with the AP. The WS gets filled full of sex hormones during the affair and they may talk like they have found the love of their life, but that is just a hormone rush kind of thing. The harsh reality is the AP is the only at the time that will have them.

 

Likewise, many AP's also lose interest quickly in the WS once they are single for they too many have scratched an itch while married, but on further reflection they really don't want the WS either once they are single.

 

After all, no one but the AP knows better than what the WS does when no one is watching.

 

Affairs really need marriages and need accomidating BS's in order to survive.

 

Once the marriage ends, the affair usually follows suit very shortly.

 

And the point Elaine about the WS sewing their oats after the divorce is very true as well. Once they are divorced, now a whole world of opportunity is out there and they no longer have to rely on just the AP for relief. Now they can go out on the open market and date for real and not just be restricted to whoever will screw a married person.

 

The harsh truth is very very very few APs and WS end up together for the long run once the music stops.

 

Affairs and fun and exciting and titillating and intriguing in the very beginning but they go downhill real fast soon after and the vast vast majority drive off the cliff if/when the marriage ends.

 

Most WS's don't actually want the AP once their marriage ends.

 

And most APs find that that charming and exciting and smooth and charismatic WS is just a garden variety train wreck and cheating turd once they are divorced.

[lilacwine]

I want to expand on this a little further. It's actually darker than what Elaine is presenting here.

 

For many WS's, the AP was a good side piece that would have them and let them have their fun on the side while they were married, but they don't really have that much interest in them as an actual partner once they are single.

 

WS's often go for the AP by default because no one else will have them due to being married. It's not like the WS has a true love or true bond and connection with the AP. The WS gets filled full of sex hormones during the affair and they may talk like they have found the love of their life, but that is just a hormone rush kind of thing. The harsh reality is the AP is the only at the time that will have them.

 

Likewise, many AP's also lose interest quickly in the WS once they are single for they too many have scratched an itch while married, but on further reflection they really don't want the WS either once they are single.

 

After all, no one but the AP knows better than what the WS does when no one is watching.

 

Affairs really need marriages and need accomidating BS's in order to survive.

 

Once the marriage ends, the affair usually follows suit very shortly.

 

And the point Elaine about the WS sewing their oats after the divorce is very true as well. Once they are divorced, now a whole world of opportunity is out there and they no longer have to rely on just the AP for relief. Now they can go out on the open market and date for real and not just be restricted to whoever will screw a married person.

 

The harsh truth is very very very few APs and WS end up together for the long run once the music stops.

 

Affairs and fun and exciting and titillating and intriguing in the very beginning but they go downhill real fast soon after and the vast vast majority drive off the cliff if/when the marriage ends.

 

Most WS's don't actually want the AP once their marriage ends.

 

And most APs find that that charming and exciting and smooth and charismatic WS is just a garden variety train wreck and cheating turd once they are divorced.

 

Wow. Very insightful and informative. Thank you very much!!! This is exactly why I keep coming back to LS.

[oldshirt]

WS's often go for the AP by default because no one else will have them due to being married. It's not like the WS has a true love or true bond and connection with the AP. The WS gets filled full of sex hormones during the affair and they may talk like they have found the love of their life, but that is just a hormone rush kind of thing. The harsh reality is the AP is the only at the time that will have them.

 

Likewise, many AP's also lose interest quickly in the WS once they are single for they too many have scratched an itch while married, but on further reflection they really don't want the WS either once they are single.

 

 

Let me expand on this a little further as well and give you the basic curriculum from Married Men 101.

 

Many single OW are flattered and charmed when a MM shows interest in them. Something deep inside them tells them that they must be so much prettier and sexier and younger and more pleasant than the MM's frumpy, frigid, boring, nagging harpy of a wife. And they think that once the MM gets his affairs in order that he will be leaving his wife for her.

 

That's the AP fantasy.

 

The reality is that 9/10 MM are perfectly happy with their home and married life and have no intentions of leaving. They are just bored and restless and want some extra poon and some extra variety and excitement in the sack.

 

The harsh truth for the OW is he was probably fishing and dangling his worm infront of dozens of various women and she was the one that took the bait. She was the sucker and she was the one that fell for it. From there, the reason he is meeting her in parking lots and motels for an hour or two of stolen moments is she is the default and the one that he could get.

 

That's 9/10 MM. The other 1/10th of MM are the ones that are truly unhappy and are truly dissatisfied with their BW and are looking for someone cuter, sexier, nicer, funner, younger etc

 

Those guys when they do find a bigger and better deal, they often do leave.....but often leave within a short period of time.

 

Read some of the stories here or on Chumplady from the BW's who's husbands did leave. They often left with little warning or indication and often within a few months of meeting the OW.

 

(Side bar: dissatisfied WW looking for an upgrade can leave their BH's with weeks and sometimes even days when they find a bigger, better deal.)

 

Where I am going with this is, you were involved with your MM for a year and it's been a year of NC. It ain't gonna happen.

 

I haven't seen how old you are but I'm assuming you are in your upper 20s-early 30s. You have burned up 2 years of your free and single days and 2 years of your "pretty" on this guy. It ain't gonna happen. Nothing to see here, move along.

 

As a single woman you have sooooo many more options than some married guy sneaking away for an hour or two. He hit one out of the ball park and was one lucky SOB for finding someone to give him a few moments of fun and excitement periodically. Now it's your turn. Put this behind you and live your life for you and don't settle for less that what you want and deserve.

[13Hearts]

Well, I ponder this question as a way to measure how far I have come in my recovery. If in my heart, i still want him back if he's divorced, then it means I'm not over him yet. And I want to hear other people talking some sense to me as to how stupid/unwise it would be to still pine after what a lying cheater ass he is. So that I can get off that mindset forever. That's the whole purpose of this thread.

 

Here's what I know: Once you have done your best to make a relationship with someone work but, for whatever reason, it does not work and you decide to split, it is best for everyone involved for you to move on and never go back.

 

In all I do, I have a little rule, and that is to always keep facing straight ahead. Leave the past in the past where it belongs. Whenever I get stuck ruminating about the past, it brings me down, and whenever I have gone backwards instead of forwards, it's full of drama and angst.

 

Here's a poem for you; not sure if you've seen it before:

 

 

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

 

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security.

 

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.

 

And you begin to accept all of your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

 

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

 

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

 

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

 

And you learn that you really can endure;

You really are strong, you really do have worth.

And you learn, and you learn

With every goodbye you learn.

 

-Veronica Shoftstall

[MissBee]

I was the other woman for 1 year and the breakup initiated by me (no DDay) was almost 1 year ago. NC ever since. Like many OWs here, I read and read many posts on loveshack. It has been very helpful in my resolve to stick to NC. However, many posters here advice the OW to tell the MM to only contact them again once he's divorced. While people say once a cheater, always a cheater, is this truly a good idea at all?

 

I don't think my ex-MM would ever get divorced. But in life, you really can't tell the future and anything can happen. Hence, I've been thinking about this. What am I gonna do the day he tells me he's divorced. Of course I still love him but I would never be able to trust him completely. Is it worth taking the risk at all? Any thoughts?

 

And how about you? What would you do the day your x-mm comes back and tells you he's divorced and wants you back?

 

I don't think it's worth it to worry about such a what-if.

 

The goal of NC ultimately is to move on, to where if this person never comes back, it really doesn't matter, because you have genuinely moved on. What are you gonna say if he says he's divorced? Why worry? It hasn't happened and likely never will. It's not anything you plan for and is more so a "cross that bridge when you get there" situation. What if it is 10 years from now? I would hope you'd have completely moved on by then. This is all hypothetical, which is why it makes no sense to worry about what you would say, as it is presuming he will come back while you still care, but IF he were to divorce, it is also likely that it may not be anytime soon and when you no longer care or his own feelings may have changed by then too. Time does lots of wonders.

 

In my own case for example, we went NC for a year, within that time I got a new bf. The bf and I broke up and I was devastated (how I even came to LS actually). My thoughts were about that relationship and how we could get back together, I hadn't been thinking a thing about ex-MM (he wasn't actually married but in a LTR, but let's use MM for short). Oddly enough, a week or so after that break-up he emails me wishing me a happy birthday and apologizing for everything and a ton of stuff...a day I might have dreamed about in the past...but when I saw it, I felt nothing. I was more concerned about my actual newly ended relationship. Long story short, when he did resurface I couldn't have cared less. I really didn't. It was like too little too late and I was 100% focused on potentially saving my new relationship. We e did end up keeping in touch periodically and had a chance to try again maybe 2 years later....it still didn't work...but by then he had broken up with his old gf. Point is: I couldn't have predicted it and my life had moved on when he came back. It was something I had to deal with in that moment and I couldn't have planned for it.

Edited July 12, 2016 by MissBee

[13Hearts]

I don't think it's worth it to worry about such a what-if.

 

The goal of NC ultimately is to move on, to where if this person never comes back, it really doesn't matter, because you have genuinely moved on. What are you gonna say if he says he's divorced? Why worry? It hasn't happened and likely never will. It's not anything you plan for and is more so a "cross that bridge when you get there" situation. What if it is 10 years from now? I would hope you'd have completely moved on by then. This is all hypothetical, which is why it makes no sense to worry about what you would say, as it is presuming he will come back while you still care, but IF he were to divorce, it is also likely that it may not be anytime soon and when you no longer care or his own feelings may have changed by then too. Time does lots of wonders.

 

In my own case for example, we went NC for a year, within that time I got a new bf. The bf and I broke up and I was devastated (how I even came to LS actually). My thoughts were about that relationship and how we could get back together, I hadn't been thinking a thing about ex-MM (he wasn't actually married but in a LTR, but let's use MM for short). Oddly enough, a week or so after that break-up he emails me wishing me a happy birthday and apologizing for everything and a ton of stuff...a day I might have dreamed about in the past...but when I saw it, I felt nothing. I was more concerned about my actual newly ended relationship. Long story short, when he did resurface I couldn't have cared less. I really didn't. It was like too little too late and I was 100% focused on potentially saving my new relationship. We e did end up keeping in touch periodically and had a chance to try again maybe 2 years later....it still didn't work...but by then he had broken up with his old gf. Point is: I couldn't have predicted it and my life had moved on when he came back. It was something I had to deal with in that moment and I couldn't have planned for it.

xMM actually told me he wanted me to go ahead and get a new BF and then once his divorce was final, we would get back together.

 

What??? How cruel would that be for me to get intimately involved with a man and then dump him for no reason??

 

I seriously do not understand how these peoples' brains work!

[lilacwine]

Let me expand on this a little further as well and give you the basic curriculum from Married Men 101.

 

Many single OW are flattered and charmed when a MM shows interest in them. Something deep inside them tells them that they must be so much prettier and sexier and younger and more pleasant than the MM's frumpy, frigid, boring, nagging harpy of a wife. And they think that once the MM gets his affairs in order that he will be leaving his wife for her.

 

That's the AP fantasy.

 

The reality is that 9/10 MM are perfectly happy with their home and married life and have no intentions of leaving. They are just bored and restless and want some extra poon and some extra variety and excitement in the sack.

 

The harsh truth for the OW is he was probably fishing and dangling his worm infront of dozens of various women and she was the one that took the bait. She was the sucker and she was the one that fell for it. From there, the reason he is meeting her in parking lots and motels for an hour or two of stolen moments is she is the default and the one that he could get.

 

That's 9/10 MM. The other 1/10th of MM are the ones that are truly unhappy and are truly dissatisfied with their BW and are looking for someone cuter, sexier, nicer, funner, younger etc

 

Those guys when they do find a bigger and better deal, they often do leave.....but often leave within a short period of time.

 

Read some of the stories here or on Chumplady from the BW's who's husbands did leave. They often left with little warning or indication and often within a few months of meeting the OW.

 

(Side bar: dissatisfied WW looking for an upgrade can leave their BH's with weeks and sometimes even days when they find a bigger, better deal.)

 

Where I am going with this is, you were involved with your MM for a year and it's been a year of NC. It ain't gonna happen.

 

I haven't seen how old you are but I'm assuming you are in your upper 20s-early 30s. You have burned up 2 years of your free and single days and 2 years of your "pretty" on this guy. It ain't gonna happen. Nothing to see here, move along.

 

As a single woman you have sooooo many more options than some married guy sneaking away for an hour or two. He hit one out of the ball park and was one lucky SOB for finding someone to give him a few moments of fun and excitement periodically. Now it's your turn. Put this behind you and live your life for you and don't settle for less that what you want and deserve.

 

Thank you again for taking the time to write. I so appreciate this. I definitely need this cold harsh truth.

 

Yes, I "wasted" two years on him. I have no regrets because I truly fell in love. That's why i took me so long to get over him. Up until a month ago, I would have jumped at the thought of him being single again one day. But now, not so much. Time doesn't necessarily heal my wound but surely does open my eyes to the reality. The affair fog finally lifted, bit by bit. That's why I posted on here so that you guys can help make me wake up a bit more to the truth about married men. I'm sure now my xmm belongs to the 9/10 group you described above.

 

The mind usually knows better but the heart most of the time has a hard time catching up. And I don't want to date other guys while my heart is still pining after him. I did go on a few dates a few months after I broke up with him but they turned out to be disasters because they made me realize the one I want is not them, but my x-MM. And in such weak moments, I just wanted to reach out to him and it was so so much harder to stick to NC. (( that's why I refrained from dating until I know I'm completely over him. This hypothetical situation is just a way to measure how much "over" him I am. I'm sure it's not that strange to hear about somebody who is in a relationship but suddenly decides to get back with an ex from years ago. I don't ever want to be that person should the opportunity arises. It's the saddest thing to be with one person and still pine after someone else.

[MissBee]

xMM actually told me he wanted me to go ahead and get a new BF and then once his divorce was final, we would get back together.

 

What??? How cruel would that be for me to get intimately involved with a man and then dump him for no reason??

 

I seriously do not understand how these peoples' brains work!

 

 

Their brains are in fantasy-land. That's how they work. In the land of fantasy the rules of the real world don't apply. Nothing has to follow logic, reason or even the laws of physics if you're not careful . People get upset when you say affairs are fantasies, but they often are, in the sense that it's often a lot of pie-in-the-sky, one-day, illogical dreams that often do not make sense in real life and don't come true but feels good to say in the moment. It's like dreaming about what you would do if you won the lottery. It's nice to imagine. You can even go through the motions of going on house tours, test driving luxury cars...all in preparation for winning the lottery, ignoring that 1)you never buy lottery tickets and 2)even if you did, all these plans are entirely based on the slim to nonexistent chance of you winning. They have no solid foundation. It is a fantasy because your current actions to achieve said things aren't matching up or are very unlikely to work out. The lottery is not a plan...it's a dream...and many affairs are void of any substantive action, just talk, so are just dreams too.

 

The 2nd and last affair scenario I was in, he said that he knew he and I would be together, even if it's at 70 years old after we've married other people...I was like wtf?! Some weeks later I find out he was getting married to his gf and was like ohh that's what he probly was hinting at...however, I was like you're actually totally nuts . I told him at the time that there was no way I would marry him at 70 after marrying other people. Why would I??? I would never want to be his second choice near the end of his life...how insulting! If you cannot choose me now, why on earth would I plan to be your second wife at 70?? It's obviously loony and just talk...but is disrespectful anyway and also shows that these people are just living in a fantasy where regardless of logic they can plan to have things their way.

Edited July 12, 2016 by MissBee

[pooldog]

He tried and could not. So I don't believe he would and I am moving on with my life.

 

I was the other woman for 1 year and the breakup initiated by me (no DDay) was almost 1 year ago. NC ever since. Like many OWs here, I read and read many posts on loveshack. It has been very helpful in my resolve to stick to NC. However, many posters here advice the OW to tell the MM to only contact them again once he's divorced. While people say once a cheater, always a cheater, is this truly a good idea at all?

 

I don't think my ex-MM would ever get divorced. But in life, you really can't tell the future and anything can happen. Hence, I've been thinking about this. What am I gonna do the day he tells me he's divorced. Of course I still love him but I would never be able to trust him completely. Is it worth taking the risk at all? Any thoughts?

 

And how about you? What would you do the day your x-mm comes back and tells you he's divorced and wants you back?

[oldshirt]

 

. And I don't want to date other guys while my heart is still pining after him. I did go on a few dates a few months after I broke up with him but they turned out to be disasters because they made me realize the one I want is not them, but my x-MM. And in such weak moments, I just wanted to reach out to him and it was so so much harder to stick to NC. (( that's why I refrained from dating until I know I'm completely over him. This hypothetical situation is just a way to measure how much "over" him I am. I'm sure it's not that strange to hear about somebody who is in a relationship but suddenly decides to get back with an ex from years ago. I don't ever want to be that person should the opportunity arises. It's the saddest thing to be with one person and still pine after someone else.

 

I think you should go out with other people. Go out with people for the sake of getting out of the house, having some fun and getting to know other folks.

 

Don't go out with the intention or expectation of finding the one or falling in love at first sight or riding off into the sunset together. Just get out of the house, have some fun and get to know some people.

 

That will get him flushed out of your system better than anything else.

 

That doesn't mean that they will all be gems and doesn't mean that there won't be some frogs that you initially thought were princes. But what will happen is you will soon start to notice that there are a lot guys that are "better" that him that are interested in you, and once that happens you'll start kicking yourself in the butt wondering what you were thinking and then you'll be on your way to putting this all behind you.

 

Don't try to replace a year long relationship in a date or two. Just get out and get to know people and get out of the house and out of your own head just for the fun of it.

 

In time a special one will rise to the top and will stick.

[pooldog]

Dating is hard. There are a lot of people who are not a match or who do not have mutual chemistry. It is a game of disappointment. Reject and be rejected. Do not base a few dates on "I want XMM so I can't do this" - those were simply not a match for you and you have not found the one YET. If you read all the work of the latest dating coaches it takes a LOT of dates to find the one. You might not ever be fully over him and he might always be special. But you can find someone as good or better if you try.

 

Living a life of passion makes XMM fade to a tolerable level quickly. I was just on a vacation with a dear friend and we were chasing our passionate hobby like crazy - staying up late, getting up early. I forgot everything. It was bliss. Now I just made a bucket list for the next year. Launch a business, move to a better place for singles, find a community. I am not sitting here pining for the past. But I am glad to have had it at all. It makes a blueprint that goes from an amazing connection and admiration and attention from XMM but with a bad timing/bad decision to the one who will be similar with good timing and who will commit to me. I want to be worried about what casserole to make to a couple's party or his socks on the floor or where to go on vacation or what movie to watch so I am going to do the work to get to that and I am not going to sit here and cry over spilled milk. Because that stinks. It is what it is - things are the way they are not the way we want them to be.

 

Life is .... ticking...... And true and real love is waiting... if you SEEK it.

 

And I don't want to date other guys while my heart is still pining after him. I did go on a few dates a few months after I broke up with him but they turned out to be disasters because they made me realize the one I want is not them, but my x-MM. And in such weak moments, I just wanted to reach out to him and it was so so much harder to stick to NC. (( that's why I refrained from dating until I know I'm completely over him. This hypothetical situation is just a way to measure how much "over" him I am. I'm sure it's not that strange to hear about somebody who is in a relationship but suddenly decides to get back with an ex from years ago. I don't ever want to be that person should the opportunity arises. It's the saddest thing to be with one person and still pine after someone else.

Edited July 12, 2016 by pooldog

[13Hearts]

I no longer believe there is a "One" for everyone. There are just people and you're either compatible in all the right ways or your not. I don't believe there is ever going to be one perfect person because each of us is so very different from one another, and people change.

 

I personally have never found one person who can meet all of my needs, who is available, and who I can live with. I guess it's why I'm not married.

[Lady Hamilton]

Would it matter to you who filed? If the wife filed, as is common, wouldnt part of you think it wasnt his choice and he would still be married if it were up to him? Would he go back if she ever changed her mind? I dont think I could handle that uncertainty. He would have to spend some time proving he was serious.

 

I agree with WWIU though that your mental efforts are best directed elsewhere. Write him off as not even a "maybe someday" possibility. If it ever comes up, deal with at that point in time. Dont waste the present, because like you said- you never know what the future will bring, but you wont be open to those future opportunities while carrying one-sided hope.

 

To the point of filing... There may be benefits to filing, which is why some couples negotiate out who will file (or alternatively, why some people both file simultaneously... To both attempt to get the benefits).

 

For example, I was the one who wanted my divorce, and fairly soon after, he did too... But we agreed to let me file because he wanted the house and I wanted none of it, so I stated it in the filing. He agreed to my request in the answer, so it was resolved almost instantly.

 

By contrast, my husband wanted a fast resolution to child support, so he encouraged her to file so she could say he was already paying state guideline amount X and wasn't delinquent.. When she refused to file, he had to file and it made everything such a mess, even if she agreed to it in her answer.

 

So you can't always tell what's going on by who filed.

[Poppy47]

Lilac

 

Meeting new people and going out on dates is a great idea.

 

It will give you enjoyment, social contact and a new perpective on life. It will get your mind out of the A rut.

 

Poppy.

[BluesPower]

I realize that you have been I a bad situation for a long time between the affair and the marriage.

 

 

I read most of your posts/threads. I have several questions so I can understand what is going on.

 

 

1. Is this the cop you were so high on in your other post?
   
2. Did you decide to divorce finally or did your husband catch you and file.
   
3. Where are you now, in general.
   

I just want you to know that if this is the same MM you have been seeing, he really is a POS, you have to realize that. I have been on both sides of this situation and I promise that he, the whole, wanted his ego and a something else stroked.

 

 

I hope all of this works out for you and everyone.

[Lobe]

Well, I ponder this question as a way to measure how far I have come in my recovery. If in my heart, i still want him back if he's divorced, then it means I'm not over him yet. And I want to hear other people talking some sense to me as to how stupid/unwise it would be to still pine after what a lying cheater ass he is. So that I can get off that mindset forever. That's the whole purpose of this thread.

 

Think of it like an addiction, and take it one day at a time. My WH's xOW still pines for him (she has a public blog that every once in a while I can't help but look at) and it's coming up on 2 years since d-day.

 

From the perspective of the BS, the what-ifs that run through my head are, if I hadn't kicked him out, would we be OK? If I hadn't agreed to reconciliation, would he still be with her? Would they have gotten married? If there wasn't a d-day, would the affair still be going on? And the reality of it is, I doubt their relationship would have lasted with or without a d-day - not because she was a bad person but because the affair was a symptom of an unhappy marriage, not the solution.

 

While there are always exceptions to the rule, the vast majority of relationships that start as affairs can't exist outside the affair bubble. It's too hard, especially when there are kids involved. The AP is seldom embraced by the WS's family, if they can even muster being civil - I am trying to imagine my WH's xOW sitting at Christmas dinner with our kids and his family and honestly, it's comical. I also sincerely believe that if I had divorced WH and he stayed with her, she would have been more miserable than when the affair was secret because a) she would always be second fiddle to me and our kids and b) she would learn that my WH had lied to her about who I am because dammit, I'm awesome! lol

 

Without a d-day I suppose you and your MM might not face the same kinds of challenges taking your relationship "public" if he divorced his wife and came begging for you to come back, but of course that would mean that the foundation of your public relationship would still be established on deceit and lies, and you would always be the OW even when you aren't.

 

You got played. My husband played his OW. I hate what he did to her but he hates himself for it more, which makes forgiving him easier. I've said it before, I'll say it again - affairs suck because someobody always gets hurt. Whoever invented them deserves a high five in the face with a handful of rocks.

[lilacwine]

I realize that you have been I a bad situation for a long time between the affair and the marriage.

 

 

I read most of your posts/threads. I have several questions so I can understand what is going on.

 

 

1. Is this the cop you were so high on in your other post?
   
2. Did you decide to divorce finally or did your husband catch you and file.
   
3. Where are you now, in general.
   

I just want you to know that if this is the same MM you have been seeing, he really is a POS, you have to realize that. I have been on both sides of this situation and I promise that he, the whole, wanted his ego and a something else stroked.

 

 

I hope all of this works out for you and everyone.

 

Hey, thank you for taking the time to read my posts. But I don't know whether you've mistaken me for someone else. Some clarifications:

- My divorce was 6 years ago. Nothing to do with the MM.

- I dated another single guy for a while after my divorce . He dumped me. I stayed single for two years and then I met x-MM 2 years ago. The affair was 1 year. And it's been 1 year since breakup.

- I'm still single now but life alone is much much better than with a lying MM.

 

Looking back, it's true I was completely messed up emotionally and so lonely and vulnerable when x-mm came along. He took full advantage of my vulnerability. I see it so very clearly now. Yeah. You're right. whatever he TOLD me, it was all BS. he was the textbook MM. And I was the textbook OW who believed everything he TOLD me. I still thank God every day I got out of it. Thank you for your advice.

[lilacwine]

Think of it like an addiction, and take it one day at a time. My WH's xOW still pines for him (she has a public blog that every once in a while I can't help but look at) and it's coming up on 2 years since d-day.

 

From the perspective of the BS, the what-ifs that run through my head are, if I hadn't kicked him out, would we be OK? If I hadn't agreed to reconciliation, would he still be with her? Would they have gotten married? If there wasn't a d-day, would the affair still be going on? And the reality of it is, I doubt their relationship would have lasted with or without a d-day - not because she was a bad person but because the affair was a symptom of an unhappy marriage, not the solution.

 

While there are always exceptions to the rule, the vast majority of relationships that start as affairs can't exist outside the affair bubble. It's too hard, especially when there are kids involved. The AP is seldom embraced by the WS's family, if they can even muster being civil - I am trying to imagine my WH's xOW sitting at Christmas dinner with our kids and his family and honestly, it's comical. I also sincerely believe that if I had divorced WH and he stayed with her, she would have been more miserable than when the affair was secret because a) she would always be second fiddle to me and our kids and b) she would learn that my WH had lied to her about who I am because dammit, I'm awesome! lol

 

Without a d-day I suppose you and your MM might not face the same kinds of challenges taking your relationship "public" if he divorced his wife and came begging for you to come back, but of course that would mean that the foundation of your public relationship would still be established on deceit and lies, and you would always be the OW even when you aren't.

 

You got played. My husband played his OW. I hate what he did to her but he hates himself for it more, which makes forgiving him easier. I've said it before, I'll say it again - affairs suck because someobody always gets hurt. Whoever invented them deserves a high five in the face with a handful of rocks.

 

Hi Lobe, Thank you for all the insights above. Very helpful. You're right. Relationships that started out as affairs are doomed to fail anyway. So many issues now that I come to think about it. To be honest, after reading all the stuffs about "public" relationships formed after affairs, I actually feel relieved he didn't leave his wife and came for me. All the dramas will drive me crazy. It's not worth it at all. It's not fun being the reason a family is broken, no matter how much love there is. And now it is clear all that love is nothing but a bunch of lies. Life is laughing at me now for believing everything that came out of his mouth. :D

 

Also I absolutely love this: "she would learn that my WH had lied to her about who I am because dammit, I'm awesome!" ... Now I think the same. He used to feed me all the classic lines about how boring his wife is compared to me. bla bla bla.... Now I know the wife is probably gorgeous and much more interesting than me. :D