Should I take him back if one day he's divorced?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Anyone else think these two are linked?! Who'd give a bj if he didn't shower? Yuck

 

Well. xMM was always clean. I will admit I underplayed the act in my own life. I did not know it was that big a deal. I do not care that much about receiving it.

 

I don't want to play the victim card but I feel stupid, used. Worse, he told me in June that I was still the last woman to do that to him and later I found out he was lying and she was doing what he wanted since May. I guess he wanted to see if he could get it from both of us.

 

He would text me how hard it was to still be in a sexless marriage (and he'd say, get it? hard?). Meanwhile the therapist had forced him to have sex with her in May. When he told me he had been lying, he said it was tough for him bc he thought of me, feelings for me, etc.

 

He's pretty despicable. I told him so too.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I still won't let my husband fist me even though the xOW liked it

 

My H did not sleep with the OW but she gave him massages, the thing he has constantly complained about me not doing for a decade. I am not a masseuse. He used the you never do it. I hate the word never. He said last night I should take lessons to give him a massage.

 

The moral - all men can be like this. It's all about their physical needs. Sometimes it is just never enough.

[Lobe]

Seriously do people actually like this

 

See, this is what I question. I know people are into all kinds of kink (no judgments here) but in the case of the xOW... I don't know if she was actually into it, or if it just developed inside their twisted little fantasy world. If he was claiming to her that I was too "vanilla" in bed, was she ACTUALLY into this stuff or was she just playing it up to make herself sexually everything I was not? I'm not a prude but some of the degrading/violent sex acts she allegedly asked him to perform are things that if they were "just friends" and he "seduced her" and she was the "victim" he likely never would have known about without an intent on her part to seduce him. Like, unless you're at a very specific convention, it's not likely you meet someone and 5 minutes later you're like, "So, I know you're married, but let me ask you how you feel about coming on my face while I sh*t myself?" I guess I'll never know if she was genuinely "into" it or if it was part of seducing WH. Maybe a bit of both? I dunno. Did any of you ever do things for your MM/MW strictly because they said their BS wouldn't or didn't and you wanted to one up yourself?

 

Post d-day, deeply submerged in his weird little fantasyland when he was blaming me fore driving him into the other woman's arms, he comes at me with things like, he has "always" asked me to be more sexually adventurous and I "never" wanted to talk about it. Uh, exsqueeze me? Oh my sweet, stupid, delusional WH, you really think I wouldn't have responded with something - anything - if you said "Honey, how about I fist you tonight?" I didn't forget that conversation because you know why? BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENED. He wouldn't even buy me toys much less use them on me! Madonna/whore complex comes to mind...

 

I admit, I'm not into fisting or getting choked, but he never once had any complaints about the quality of his orgasms or my sexual performance until the OW happened. But of course now HE is all awkward about experimenting sexually with me because he feels guilty that he made me feel like I was sexually inadequate/inferior.

 

Stupid affairs. Lilacwine, if he comes crawling back, my only tip is you should ask the wife if he actually dumped her for you, or if she dumped him (and why) lol

[imperfectangel]

Love, I can't speak for all affairs but mm and I NEVER discuss his wife. If he's ever complained all I'd say was "she can't be that bad or you wouldn't be with her". I'm not interested in listening to him bash his wife.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Did any of you ever do things for your MM/MW strictly because they said their BS wouldn't or didn't and you wanted to one up yourself?

 

 

Yes, she had not gone down on him at all in 10 years and he never had a woman give him a bj and swallow. It was not to get one up on the BS but because he said she found him gross and disgusting. He did a really good job of getting me to feel sorry for him. I feel pretty stupid about that today.

 

The other element was my H watched a lot of porn daily and was always on my case to do it. For whatever reason, I was never able to complete the act and I heard about it for 8 years. It really killed my self confidence. It was my way of proving to myself that I could do it.

 

My H knows all this. He feels bad now for his part in it. Obviously I regret it, I feel played. It was pretty disgusting too.

[Patrice]

Mine contacted me recently, said he had filed for divorce. They live together still in Georgia. He said he had to file where they got married in Maryland. A little snooping and I don't see that he is being honest. I reiterated, I am not interested in being a mistress. He said he loves me, he knows I want him still.

I said I had to go, and couldn't talk any longer.

[lilacwine]

Mine contacted me recently, said he had filed for divorce. They live together still in Georgia. He said he had to file where they got married in Maryland. A little snooping and I don't see that he is being honest. I reiterated, I am not interested in being a mistress. He said he loves me, he knows I want him still.

I said I had to go, and couldn't talk any longer.

 

Wow. Interesting. Liars will always be liars.

 

Anyway, what would you do if he ACTUALLY filed? Would you take him back?

[lilacwine]

 

Stupid affairs. Lilacwine, if he comes crawling back, my only tip is you should ask the wife if he actually dumped her for you, or if she dumped him (and why) lol

 

Well, thanks for the warnings. I guess I'll never find out because he's blocked on every means of communication: phone, email, facebook, whatsapp, etc, etc, you name it... :D

[Patrice]

No, I would not take him back. I don't trust a word he says.

[Poppy47]

Well, thanks for the warnings. I guess I'll never find out because he's blocked on every means of communication: phone, email, facebook, whatsapp, etc, etc, you name it... :D

 

that's good Lilac. You can forget him and carry on with your fabulous life.

 

Poppy.

[Bufo]

Should you take him back when he gets divorced?

 

Think about what your question involves. First, he would have to get divorced. Not just think about it or even file. But have a judge-signed and court- filed judgement of divorce. That takes time usually

 

Second, he would have to approach you and let you know that he was actually divorced.

 

You have zero control over these first two events

 

Third, you would presumably have no other romantic attachments when events one and two happen. You do have some control over that, although if it happens isn't entirely up to you. This one needs a willing partner.

 

Fourth, you would have to want him back when and if he approaches you already divorced. That is totally within your control.

 

So, the answer to your question posed by the title of your post is not knowable at this time. And unless these four things happen in order your question is hypothetical. Time changes things. And nobody can predict the future.

 

My advice? Spending time thinking about whether you would take him back is largely a waste of time.

[Patrice]

IF and when a divorce ever transpires, would be the time to consider it. Future faking is not an option, and keeps you tied and hoping. I got to the point of put up, or shut up and leave me alone. And the same, I don't want to hear how horrific his marriage is - I told him towards the end, if it's that bad you'll do something about it.

[Patrice]

Then came the story of filing for a divorce, but it has to be processed in another state. Easy google search, cured that lie.

[MsHopeful0208201689]

As you stated you'd NEVER be able to trust him. ALL HEALTHY relationships are based on trust, so if you want anything remotely healthy I think you may want to cut your losses with this man and move on with your life...

 

I wholeheartedly understand your desire to want to hold on to him or keep the hope because of how you feel, but try and put your feelings aside and look at this logically... If he cheated on the one he made vows with he would likely cheat on you too (if he didn't have any more OW's while you were seeing him)...

 

I wish you all the luck in the world & hope your heart heals so you are able to move on and find someone who you can love and trust COMPLETELY & vice versa.

[Patrice]

[sandylee1]

Do you have any studies to back this up?

 

Since the divorce rate is still hovering around 50%, saying that 9/10 of MM whether cheating or not are HAPPY in their marriage is a stretch. Happy and satisfied people don't cheat.

 

Unless they're dogs. And that's another topic.

 

I'm quite certain as happy as XMM was/is, if she had left him at any point in the marriage, he never would have looked back. He liked her, he loved her (still does) but she didn't meet one very basic need.

 

You do know that more women file for divorce than men though right?

 

What IS is saying can really be seen on these and other boards. The majority of MM are after a bit of extra and leaving the wife is not a consideration.

 

When you see the stress and hassle of dealing with the ex wife and kids, it's so not worth it. It's different if you have a divorced man who met you while he was divorced.

 

Who needs all that in their lives.

 

When you decide to knock him out of your system, you'll be able to meet a nice man and take it from there. You want to be the only one, not the secret one.