new date - weird feeling- broke nc with ex slightly.

[hurts2death]

since the break up(3 years) with "the love of my life" i had made a tremendous fortune in the stockmarket since then i only feel happy when i learn sth new or when i make more,

i think the huge pain i felt back then might somehow triggered my survival mode. i was more conscious somehow...

 

the years passed and i came across a mysterious woman.

 

we arranged to meet.........

 

the time arrived and i did the casual preperation. grooming etc.

 

i felt there was sth higher that brought this woman to me....

 

she was 200% sexy but i do not fall for the looks , i fall for the spirit..

 

this woman was much older than me we had the same zodiac sign and our past similarities were way to many. there were some kind of connections between us...

 

as the date was going forward i was feeling very happy and excited...

we started kissing so deeply we just couldnt keep away... we enjoyed the night till morning hours... i drove her home and kissed goodbye..

there were though fundamental obstacles for this to work like a kid ....

 

i am sure that if i had met her some years ago i would marry her.

 

i waited a day and texted her an epilogue -had great time you are great etc....

i felt sad about her lonelyness...... in a big city with a kid and a hard economic state.before she left the car i gave her a jar of food of one of my industries. i was relieved by the idea that her kid would be eating this the next few days.where ever we went males were giving her looks, on the other side i was not like this , i wanted to pick inside her inner world.

she had a histrionic vicious nature that was minimal after all these years//

i also arranged a job for her. she will never learn i did this. but it was the first thing i did after the date.have you ever felt the need to really help someone?

 

 

 

the thing that makes me feel weird is that the old heartbreak somehow awaken inside me...

i am feeling the same lonely and dead inside...

i am so curious why this happened i v met too many girls since then but this is weird.why i was not so into sex with her . she was the hottest a woman can be.

 

i am feeling like there is no purpose in life in a higher state of emotional nirvana . i feel that our subconscious creates reality by the way our belief system is .

 

the young boy once lived inside me is now dead... there is no innocence left.

the world makes a man cruel and the time makes everything go and fade,,

i am getting some hints here and there about sth higher existing in life but all of it is streaming from my own brain.

 

i feel like there is only silence and pain..........

 

i know i am too negative now but i v read too many philosophy books and really digged deep inside me.

 

we all live a beatiful lie . we imagine absolute diamonds but the truth is a fallen beautiful lie we cling so hard on it that we fake its existence....

 

i have even broken nc with ex. after ignoring her for 3 years i answered in her last text reassuring her i am still alive and well and not showing any interest towards her at all. it might sound weird but i really dont care if she read it or not. i feel like 0 about her. absolute 0.

 

will keep meeting new people and evolving in all aspects....

 

if a higher purpose is somewhere i will seek it inside out and even if i never find it at least i will know i tried....