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Will curiosity kill this cat <cheating>?


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Hi guys!

 

My first post here, so I am glad to welcome you all. Sadly, in a time of need of human compassion, which to be honest I never have enough in this kind of situations.

 

Over 2.5 year ago I have met a girl. Don't really want to get into it, but we were in a 1 year relationship, which due to our unstability back then resulted in a failure. She was dealing with her ex while starting to date with me,which resulted in a lack of trust right from the beginning from my side. Things were great though, until she started to look for things that bothered her about me, and we had 2 months emotional period covered with her uncertainty regarding her feelings. Finally after 2 months of different theories, she broke up with me.

 

After that I have joined a gym, gained 14kgs in one year, got an awesome job, healthy diet, quit smoking, got a nice haircut, finished my BA, learned german and was thinking about our time spent together as a couple as a good time, had no regrets and no hard feelings towards her.

 

She tried to contact me on FB 6 months later,but Ive ignored it. 2 months after the first try, she texted me about a phone agreement I had on her phone and that it is time to rewrite it (we forgot to do it). I agreed, we met and it was so ego-boosting to see how she was delighted seeing how I've changed.

Before I say next things I have to tell you, I am trying to really hold my moral standards all the time. While I was talking to her, I told her I never hated her, wished her the best and if she would be happy with someone else, I would be genuinely happy with it as well. She was really emotionally wrapped around herself the first time we met, but back then she seemed as she agreed with my vision of the world. At the end of the meeting, she hugged me and cried, saying she's been waiting all of those 8 months for me, still loved me and wanted so much to see me and be a part of my life. Long story short, we got back together.. Yes, she was madly in love with me, and the one thing that has changed, was that I became much more grounded, happy with the life I've built and not emotionally needy like before, now she was more like it. Unfortunately, it came out that things she claimed changed in her character, were nothing more than a claim. 2-3 months forward she met her ex best friend and seeing this girl being miserable led to her 5 minutes rant about how amazing it is to see her ex best friend having a crappy life. This was our first big argument, as I really despise hatred and this kind of attitude towards the problems, think it is childlish, immature and a sign of a big weakness, which is being dealt with while hurting others. Nothing came out of this argument though, but she stopped, at least to me, being so hateful towards people. Still, she acted like it in a heat of a moment a lot, cursing even her mother at some point.

 

1.5 month ago we went to the wedding and got into a big argument, as I left her for 15 minutes to take a walk (dont want to get really deep into it, shouldnt have done it, but had to clear my had for some reasons). Her reaction to that was treating me like I dont exist for the next 5 hours. It was her family wedding, I didnt know anyone and those grannies looking at me when they saw she ignored me were really irritating. This was the first time I became a lil neurotic, even if just for a second, like i was in our first relationship. I apologised, like, A LOT. You have to understand, I was in the middle of nowhere, aroudn 90 unknown faces, taking a cab would cost me a fortune, had no way out and she used it really viciously.

 

After that wedding we had trouble getting along. She started being mean towards me, attacking all my character traits, finally wanted a break, which I was sure would be the end. After 4 days she contacted me, wanting to meet for a breakup. I wanted to do it on good terms and told her that she is an amazing girl, that I am aware of my faults (e.g. I space out sometimes, or I am not really spontanous) and that I love her, but understand that she wants a break up. She was really hurt I wasnt "fighting for her", didnt come to her work to fight for the relationship, but I knew she would despise me even more, she already saw me as a weak an staying silent was my way of fighting. It seemed that she missed me a lot though, she didnt want a break up and didnt do it. We tried dating for a month like really slowly, to rebuild attraction, with a mixed result. It was amazing at first, but started to be more casual and distant last week, she was only demanding attention, not giving me a lot in return. Yesterday I was supposed to finally come to her place for a night, but she canceled it with a short "doesnt matter" as an answer for a reason. I confronted her some time after that, saying as it seems sth is wrong and she is avoiding me and I would really love some honesty.

 

That is when it hit me. She said she wasnt honest with me (texted actually), that she met a guy and did sth unforgivable. I knew she just ended her work, so tried to call her a couple of times to make her tell this me in face, but she didnt answer. I texted her that if she has some dignity and respect for me, she would meet with me and tell me it like that, looking me in the eyes. If she has no courage to meet me though and wont answer my calls, then she shouldnt text my anymore and just **** off. She responded with a simple "you want to meet, but I dont wanna see your scenes. I did it and I dont regret it, cya"

 

And that was it. No common courtesy to look me in the eyes, to show some respect. In summary, 2 years of time together thrown into a dumpster in one second. She acted selfishly, cowardly and I cant get over it.

 

Back to the name of the topic - I really want to go to her work and confront her, I never want to spend anytime with her, I just want to see her saying it and prove to myself I am strong and if I have a need to shout it out, I shouldnt care if she wants it or not. I am not sure though if it is a good idea, as it would possibly shed some light on with whom, when and what, which could be devastating for me and this curiosity could be really harmful.

I am also really shuttered with this no respect. I was meeting someone who basically wanst a person, as her values hold true only if it is convenient to her. She is weak, but I saw red flags and didnt want to lose this attention she was giving me, so it shows my weakness as well.

 

Any word of support would be much appreciated

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There is nothing to confront. Be glad that you found out before you married her and had a couple of kids with her. Just go NC with her.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Confronting her will not "correct" her behavior whatsoever. It will only cause more hatred.

 

If you say that you are grounded and no longer needy you would just walk away from this, and never look back.

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The thing is, if I ever learned anything in life, is that the bad moments always resulted in a good outcome after all. I probably won't confront her, I was always good in NC and will stick to it.

 

My biggest problem is that despite being a worthy guy, I have never dated a woman I picked up myself, they were always the ones initiating everything. Now it will be even harder, since I will have a hard time abandoning the belief, that woman will do anything while in an emotional need.

 

or maybe it is not. I just need to talk about it, get it out of my system. I would give a guy like me the same advice you did, I guess I came here for some emotional support from other people.

Edited by Maverick93
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You want to prove to her and yourself that you are strong enough to end things? Walk away and never have any contact with her again.

 

I speak from hard experience. If you are strong - you can do this. You will begin to detach from her quicker than you think and then you will start healing. Walk away, zero contact.

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TheBathWater
Now it will be even harder, since I will have a hard time abandoning the belief, that woman will do anything while in an emotional need.

 

That's more than a belief. That is a reality. No, it doesn't apply to all women. But the vast majority? Yes, I believe so. Rare is the woman who will not cheat on her boyfriend/husband if the right guy comes along at the right time in the right place. Any guy who is good with women will back this up. You are kidding yourself if you believe most women are always faithful.

 

Statistics show that women cheat at least as much as men do. Some even believe that women cheat more and do better at covering it up. Smartphones are making it easier to catch people though. Someone recently once said that if you ever want your relationship to a woman to end, all you need to do is say: "let me see your phone."

 

It's way easier for a woman to cheat. Opportunity is constantly flying at you, and there will be a moment of weakness at some point. It's different for men. Men have to actively work at and pursue women, which gets tiring for many of us. This is one of the benefits of a relationship to a man. The chase is over. He can relax. She is his emotional world that he otherwise cannot express to his buddies. But women? They don't have to chase. There is no comparable effort involved. She can accept or reject.

 

This is also why I believe men have a harder time recovering from a relationship than a woman. He has been 'out of the game', so to speak. Retired. She, on the other hand, picks right back up where she left off. She is never removed from the mating game.

 

Ah, long rant. Anyway, you don't sound delusional to me.

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My biggest problem is that despite being a worthy guy, I have never dated a woman I picked up myself, they were always the ones initiating everything. Now it will be even harder, since I will have a hard time abandoning the belief, that woman will do anything while in an emotional need.

 

 

Men and women do this. You're willing to go stalk her at her work to confront her to get your emotional closure. You are willing to do anything while in an emotional need too...

 

With 14 kg, a job, and that oozing swagger, you should get back into it soon. Just worry less, intuit more, and stop rationalizing emotions. It's like scooping sand in your hands. Sure you get most of it, but much of it just falls between your fingertips.

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bubbaganoosh

Last thing you want to do is go to her place of employment and cause trouble. Bet the house you'll be talking to the cops and charges could be filed against you. Not worth it.

 

Let it go. Sooner or later one gets what one deserves. Move on and be happy.

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Men and women do this. You're willing to go stalk her at her work to confront her to get your emotional closure. You are willing to do anything while in an emotional need too...

 

With 14 kg, a job, and that oozing swagger, you should get back into it soon. Just worry less, intuit more, and stop rationalizing emotions. It's like scooping sand in your hands. Sure you get most of it, but much of it just falls between your fingertips.

 

I have to disagree, as sure, i work out to satisfy my emotional needs, i would go there. To confront her For.the same reason. But it Doesnt mean i would Do anything. Ppl Say 'chill out, you can Do anything " - maybe they can, but i know there are Things i cannot do. Period.

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Previous one was from the phone, so perhaps sth more ellaborate. Thank you guys dearly for your answers. I treat my messages as a kind of my diary, I want to have my thoughts from the first days written somewhere, but having any kind of reaction and interest, really, is something valuable.

 

I do not have problems with ending things and going NC. I did it before, I will do it now. I am not even that shattered by the break up itself. You see, I saw the red flags of overflowing hatred in her character, which kept me from falling for her anymore I guess. I wanted to confront her, because tbh I like pain. I wanted to know every detail, because I already know experiencing tough things only makes me stronger.

 

I am just disgusted by the style she ended this. I know her, I know life a little bit, as relationships weren't my toughest struggle so far (chronic illness, neurosis) and I know she will suffer 10x more than me, be it in a month or in a year from now. Still, the fact that we were discussing few days ago a betrayal occuring in our friends relationship, and she was loudly expressing with me how weak and bad betrayal is, shows that she was basically lying in my face for some solid amount of time.

 

She has some people she can meet up with, but mostly they are new people from her studies. Today one of my friends found her accidentally on one of the dating apps, and warned me that she looked extremely desperete on it (he didnt know about a break up). What did I feel? Absolutely nothing. She doesn't have any long-term friends as she gets in some serious arguments with everyone at one point or another. I was really happy when I saw her smiling during our relationship, which with me she did a lot. One time I even told her, regarding our last break up, that if there was a situation in which she would be trully happy with another man, I would be sad at first, but would be really happy for her in the long run. I knew her aggressiveness and hatred were just covering up for weaknesess and it wasnt easy for her, I was the true guy that wanted her happiness, even at the cost of our relationship.

 

That is why, knowing me, I really despise that she didn't handle it differently. I could understand a lot of things, and of course would never want to see her again, but would think of her as a human being. She just lost one of few people in this world, who could hold a good image of her in his head. Given even a slightest effort, she could have got a nice smile from me, if we saw each other in 5 years. However, it won't be the case anymore. If she was drowning in a mud and I happened to see her, I would probably help her, just to leave lying on the ground right after. I wish her true happiness, as it would mean her changing into a better version of herself, but the person she is now, and frankly speaking always was, is worth **** to me.

Edited by Maverick93
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Space Ritual

Dude,

 

Why would you even take her back in the first place?

 

You were ALWAYS Plan B.

 

Why you even care about someone who has shown you a boatload of disrespect time and again flies in the face of common sense.

 

Do yourself a favor. Delete her from you life in all forms. Block her on social media, and whatever you do, do not have your friends giving you updates about her. The goal here is for you to reach the point of complete indifference.

 

This chick is not worth one second of worry. She showed you who she was time and again. Why put yourself through that? Just accept that she will have this catch up with her at some point in the future and divorce yourself from even caring.

 

It will sting her far more realizing you don't give 2 craps about her than ever contacting her and giving her an ego boost.

Come on man...it's not rocket science.

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Space Ritual
I was the true guy that wanted her happiness, even at the cost of our relationship.

 

This forum is chock full of "True Guys" that get their heart stomped out over and over by returning to the well of good intentions, only to find it bone dry. It sounds good in a movie. In real life it is a recipe for disaster at the hands of a manipulator.

 

 

Google "No More Mister Nice Guy". It is available in PDF form. And read it. If ever there was a candidate for it's contents, it would be you.

 

Good Luck.

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You have actually misunderstood what I've told you my friend, but I don't want to explain it really. I will just tell you this. I am heavily focused on my development, was happy with myself before the relationship, am happy now as well.

 

I took her back as I saw hope in her character change, I was wrong, but I don't regret it. I was accused of being emotionless, as I didn't have so much feelings towards her as she did towards me.

 

I got over our last relationship quickly, will do it even quicker now. Being the nice guy, and being someone with moral standards is something entirely different. She was bending her life for me in the relationship, not the other way around. I have my plan and my vision of development, of family and of success and happiness. She agreed with how I viewed the world up to a certain point, in which her low self-esteem took over.

 

I wanted to confront her to see how this strength of hers translates from texts to the real world. You see, you care about showing a girl you don't care and I don't. I know I do not care, I honestly wouldn't say I loved her, judging from how indifferent I was during the whole relationship. But I don't care how she views me as her view is kind of meaningless right now. I always believed love is a choice, maybe because I was unable to feel the butterflies in my stomach in my relationships with her. I chose to show love to someone who I viewed as worthy. She proved otherwise, I do not love her and feel the lack of her, simple and elegant.

 

I am always more curious about why so negative emotions are given in posts like yours, when there is this big shouting about not being "the nice guy". The point is, that showing your emotions is one step closer to being a true man, than shouting "I have to be a dick, cause this is the best strategy vs woman!", as it is a mask, rather then the real you. We had a fine first relationship, no one did anything bad towards each other, hence I gave us another shot.

Now I am 3 days after a break up and I dont believe someone would think that being able to abandon your happiness for someone else's who is worthy is a bad thing. It is not needy as I do not crave her and need her, I would let her go. If she was truly honest with me, and showed respect, I would show this as well and let her go. The way she dealt with it is the first time she showed me something that made her respect vanish.

 

Please don't impose with such aggression your view on the world, as when you get higher in your life, every step on the ladder requires to abandon being hateful and petty. You cannot be like that on the top, or you will get eaten by your own fear and lack of trust. I prefer not to fear and to trust, and be strong enough to survive any negative outcome of those two things.

Believe me, you can connect being strong, independent and manly, while at the same time having trust and being in touch with your emotions. I would even say you need the last part to be a true man. : )

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Justanaverageguy

I am always more curious about why so negative emotions are given in posts like yours, when there is this big shouting about not being "the nice guy". The point is, that showing your emotions is one step closer to being a true man, than shouting "I have to be a dick, cause this is the best strategy vs woman!", as it is a mask, rather then the real you. We had a fine first relationship, no one did anything bad towards each other, hence I gave us another shot.

Now I am 3 days after a break up and I dont believe someone would think that being able to abandon your happiness for someone else's who is worthy is a bad thing. It is not needy as I do not crave her and need her, I would let her go. If she was truly honest with me, and showed respect, I would show this as well and let her go. The way she dealt with it is the first time she showed me something that made her respect vanish.

 

Please don't impose with such aggression your view on the world, as when you get higher in your life, every step on the ladder requires to abandon being hateful and petty. You cannot be like that on the top, or you will get eaten by your own fear and lack of trust. I prefer not to fear and to trust, and be strong enough to survive any negative outcome of those two things.

Believe me, you can connect being strong, independent and manly, while at the same time having trust and being in touch with your emotions. I would even say you need the last part to be a true man. : )

 

If you didn't care like you say then you wouldn't be thinking about chasing after her trying to get the last word. Though I'm sure in your mind your rationalizing your need to see her again and confront her because she was not truly honest with you and hasn't shown you respect. ..... in reality its about your ego. You feel slighted and even if you do want to be pleasant about it you simply want to have your rant so you get some measure of closure and feel better.

 

My advice don't bother. It achieves nothing. You won't actually feel any better. Your not going to convince her of anything seeing her and you pursuing her to try and achieve this will make you look needy and pathetic. Whether you care about that or not .....your basically just feeding her ego. You will likely end up in a scene and it will achieve absolutely nothing.

 

This is a life lesson. Whilst your morals might be high - others aren't always and we certainly don't always get the neat and tidy finish to a relationship we might crave. The first step to you moving on is to simply let go of the need to confront her and have your say. The words will be empty to her. Just release it. Right now I'm guessing all you are obsessing about all the things you would say to her if you saw her. Its pointless release it and let it go.

 

Whilst I admire your approach regarding anger and hatred .... in life there are hard lessons you have to learn. Not everyone thinks and behaves the same way you do. This is a reality check. It does not mean you need to become bitter, resentful or angry .... but you do need to learn from it. Learn how to spot red flags, learn how to listen to walk away when you see them, learn when a situation is done and when no good came come from further pursuing closure. Simply close the book and move on with your life in a dignified way.

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Just FYI, I met her today, while waiting on a train. She was running for her train. I saw her before she saw me, but to be honest I actually had nothing to say to her. She saw me, had a scared look, stopped for a second. I just showed her a middle finger, pointed at her train and that was it. After thinking so much about what would I say, I think I realised anything would be pointless, as it wouldn't reach anything but her recent emotions, which would be pretty random and certainly not something worth wasting my time on.

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I just showed her a middle finger

Seriously?!?

 

Regardless of what someone has done, that sort of behavior in public is just rude and - I think - shows you to be a small person.

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I don't want to deal with her ever again, but I forgave her before, and will do it right now as well after a set amount of time. I don't hold grudges, as they only make my happiness smaller. Then again, I don't want her to approach me ever again, and it was the quickest way of showing that I want just treat her neutrally after that.

Besides, in my country it is not so offensive as in countries with native english. The best man is the one who can immediately deal with his feelings. But the man who is pretending to be above it is one step behind the guy who admits his feelings. She treated my like a trash, I got hurt and anger inside. It is authentic.

I try to do the right thing all the time, but I won't hold my emotions when they are justified.

I sure want to be like Buddha or Jesus, but this is a long journey. Right now I need to be true with myself, and my true self wants to see that I am able to set my barriers against people that my moral side won't welcome, but my emotional one tends to crave.

As someone who avoids expressing his emotions thinking its pointless, I am really glad I was able to do it, as it is a step towards a personal growth. Maybe I am a small person, but I search for the right move every step in my life, as long as it is in my moral standards.

Edited by Maverick93
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Y, well, he cheated on her, and even now once every few months tries To contact her, and she Was trying the same with me, prolly will try In few months as well.

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