NC with all your exes

[Emilia]

I'm just curious. Are there people here who have no contact with any of their exes at all? Not even years after the break up when all emotions have gone?

 

I have contact with some. Sort of drift in and out of conversations.

[BelleSkye]

That's me - no contact with any of my exs.

 

Only 4 of them truly meant anything to me. It would hurt too much being in contact with them for just friendship. The attraction levels and memories are still there for me...even after 16 years!

 

The other boyfriends - I'm just not into them....they are not 'friends' as in I find their company tedious. Some have tried getting back to me and to not waste their time - I politely decline being their friend.

 

At this time of my life - I'm more interested in making more women as friends and if I meet a guy - I would be sussing him out for 'boyfriend' material.

[BelleSkye]

That's me - no contact with any of my exs.

 

Only 4 of them truly meant anything to me. It would hurt too much being in contact with them for just friendship. The attraction levels and memories are still there for me...even after 16 years!

 

The other boyfriends - I'm just not into them....they are not 'friends' as in I find their company tedious. Some have tried getting back to me and to not waste their time - I politely decline being their friend.

 

At this time of my life - I'm more interested in MEETING more women as friends and if I meet a guy - I would be sussing him out for 'boyfriend' material.

 

Meeting!!!! not "making"!!!!

[Haydn]

School, uni.

 

Friends with most.

 

Some are even God mother to my kids.

 

Ones, no. well the ones who broke my heart, simple.

[smudge21]

Yep, pretty much standard here. Once they're gone, they're gone for good. I've only ever met up with two of them in the past, purely by accident and it was wierd to talk to them and have zero feelings (whereas in the past I was crazy for them). Time heals all wounds and it also closes all doors. I reckon these people have that one chance and once it's gone, once the magic has been removed, the love destroyed, then there truly is no going back. I think it's the same with friendships to, as I've never stayed in touch with friends who have walked out. Life's too short to hang around people who see you as an option.

[Els]

I'm acquaintances with mine. Now that I think about it, I haven't talked to my first ex for years - not really purposeful NC, we used to exchange messages a couple times a year, and then just faded as acquaintances are wont to do I guess. My second ex I still talk to a few times a year.

[Traceycprc]

I don't have any contact with any of my exes. I just think going into a relationship it makes life a lot easier ?

[central]

I'm very good friends with some, and have no contact with others. It depends on how and why we broke up - or just decided we weren't a romantic match.

[MJJean]

I don't talk to any of my ex's, not even the one I had kids with. As far as I'm concerned, if you're still talking to an ex on a personal/friends type basis, you haven't ended the relationship.

 

I also would not date anyone who keeps ex's in their life.

[PrettyEmily77]

I don't talk to any of my ex's, not even the one I had kids with. As far as I'm concerned, if you're still talking to an ex on a personal/friends type basis, you haven't ended the relationship.

 

I also would not date anyone who keeps ex's in their life.

 

Just shows how differently people react to the same issue.

 

Other way round for me - I'd be seriously concerned if someone had zero contact with every single one of their exes with no exceptions. I mean, surely you cared for them once so you should at least be able to keep things civil when the dust has settled? Obviously depends on the number of exes.

 

But I also think following the NC stuff blindly (as if you could make up a rule when matters of the heart are concerned), whatever the circumstances and without taking the necessary steps to heal from a breakup in a way that is best for you, is not always a good idea.

[jen1447]

I have contact w almost all of them. Which isn't to say I'm constantly talking to them or they play a big part in my life, but they're not off limits.

 

Ever since I took control of my relationship dynamics way back then, there are no bad breakups.

[MJJean]

Just shows how differently people react to the same issue.

 

Other way round for me - I'd be seriously concerned if someone had zero contact with every single one of their exes with no exceptions. I mean, surely you cared for them once so you should at least be able to keep things civil when the dust has settled? Obviously depends on the number of exes.

 

I didn't have any bad break-ups. Even the divorce was relatively low drama.Much lower drama than the marriage, without a doubt. It's just that I never saw any reason to keep personal contact with an ex.

 

Once I go beyond friends, I can't go back. After a break up, the guy isn't a friend, because we've been lovers. He isn't a lover, because that ended. There just isn't any place in my life for an ex.

[PrettyEmily77]

I didn't have any bad break-ups. Even the divorce was relatively low drama.Much lower drama than the marriage, without a doubt. It's just that I never saw any reason to keep personal contact with an ex.

 

Once I go beyond friends, I can't go back. After a break up, the guy isn't a friend, because we've been lovers. He isn't a lover, because that ended. There just isn't any place in my life for an ex.

 

Fair enough.

 

I find it a little sad, but to each their own I guess.

[Emilia]

I think after a while I just don't feel strongly enough to avoid all contact. I don't have any of them blocked.

[MJJean]

Fair enough.

 

I find it a little sad, but to each their own I guess.

 

Think of it as catch and release. Go forth, ex, and good luck!

 

I think after a while I just don't feel strongly enough to avoid all contact. I don't have any of them blocked.

 

I've been married 16 years. The vast majority of my ex's were so long ago that very few of them live in my area. And I've changed my name from my maiden to first married to maiden again to second married. I don't have to avoid contact or have any of my ex's blocked. Even if they are looking, good luck!

[basil67]

Other way round for me - I'd be seriously concerned if someone had zero contact with every single one of their exes with no exceptions. I mean, surely you cared for them once so you should at least be able to keep things civil when the dust has settled? Obviously depends on the number of exes.

 

It's interesting that you equate civility with staying in contact. With the exception of the guy who turned out to be a complete nutter, I'm sure I'd be quite civil to any of my exes if I ran into them. I just didn't feel the desire to stay in contact once the dust has settled.

[Weezy1973]

I'm not consciously "no-contact" but I'm not in contact with any of them. Except for a couple of them, if any ex wanted to get together just for a coffee or something I'd probably do it, but I really don't feel compelled in any way to reach out. Or curious. Exes are exes for a reason.

[Els]

I don't talk to any of my ex's, not even the one I had kids with. As far as I'm concerned, if you're still talking to an ex on a personal/friends type basis, you haven't ended the relationship.

 

The opposite IMO. NC is usually needed if you still have feelings and need a clean break to get over them. Once you're already 'over them', there's no reason why you can't be acquaintances with them like anyone else. Because at that point they really are no different from anyone else in your mind. You don't HAVE to if you don't want to, but I think your assumption about those of us who do is erroneous.

 

I also would not date anyone who keeps ex's in their life.

You'd have a tough time dating in some cultures then, I figure. I don't know too many people in either of the two cultures that I have lived in, who have absolutely zero contact with ALL of their exes.

[PrettyEmily77]

It's interesting that you equate civility with staying in contact. With the exception of the guy who turned out to be a complete nutter, I'm sure I'd be quite civil to any of my exes if I ran into them. I just didn't feel the desire to stay in contact once the dust has settled.

 

I guess what you're describing is indifference, then.

 

It obviously depends on the nature (abuse, cheating, actual level of care, etc.) and length of the relationship (which seems to have a different definition for a lot of people anyway, as evidenced on the board), but most people I know in my life have some sort of contact with at least one ex, even if just superficial.

 

I would be very hesitant to get involved with someone who has absolutely no contact at all with every single one of their exes, without any exception - that indicates, to me, a certain black and white view of life I would struggle to be compatible with. It's a character trait I have always specifically looked for in a guy (though not in friendship, obviously).

[ItsDone]

I feel like this really depends on the circumstances. I have 3 exes. Two of them I speak to (not best friends but we can check in without it being weird). The third I want nothing to do with ever again. She was completely disrespectful during the breakup, which happened over text. After almost 3 years in a relationship, you'd think someone who loved you would at least be respectful enough to have a conversation. Plus, She was dishonest about some important thing. Those actions go against my values, and I don't look for friends who act like that. So no need to speak with her again.

[MJJean]

The opposite IMO. NC is usually needed if you still have feelings and need a clean break to get over them. Once you're already 'over them', there's no reason why you can't be acquaintances with them like anyone else. Because at that point they really are no different from anyone else in your mind. You don't HAVE to if you don't want to, but I think your assumption about those of us who do is erroneous.

 

You'd have a tough time dating in some cultures then, I figure. I don't know too many people in either of the two cultures that I have lived in, who have absolutely zero contact with ALL of their exes.

 

To me, keeping in touch with an ex screams unfinished business. If whatever was there is over, there is no reason to keep in contact.

 

I'm over X. I have no emotional connection to X. I do not want an emotional connection to X or we'd still be a couple. So, why on God's green Earth would I want to keep in touch with X?

 

Maybe its a Midwest thing, but I don't know anyone except my sister and DH's friend who keep in touch with any of their ex's unless they have minor children together.

[keiji]

I'm over X. I have no emotional connection to X. I do not want an emotional connection to X or we'd still be a couple. So, why on God's green Earth would I want to keep in touch with X?

 

Because there's affection beyond romantic love or at least I hope so. My latest ex-girlfriend showed that she didn't care that much after a death in my family, which happened two weeks after our breakup and I'll never reach out to her again. After being intimate with someone and sharing so much there's really nothing left there? How sad.

 

Maybe it's my upbringing, but I wouldn't trust someone who didn't speak to at least some of her ex-b's or cared about them. My father is still in touch with a girlfriend he had when he was 18-20. He's now 73 and has been happily married to my mum for almost 50 years, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel affection for an old love.

[jen1447]

Maybe its a Midwest thing

 

Nope.

 

I kinda agree w Emily in that if I found out someone had absolutely no contact w any ex, I'd start to get suspicious about why exactly. Seems extreme. If it was on their end it'd look like they're hung up on everyone and/or traumatized/damaged, and if it was on the other end ....kinda goes w/out saying how that doesn't play well. Then you'd have to go all detective to find out which and just ....ick.

[Timshel]

Because there's affection beyond romantic love or at least I hope so. My latest ex-girlfriend showed that she didn't care that much after a death in my family, which happened two weeks after our breakup and I'll never reach out to her again. After being intimate with someone and sharing so much there's really nothing left there? How sad.

 

Maybe it's my upbringing, but I wouldn't trust someone who didn't speak to at least some of her ex-b's or cared about them. My father is still in touch with a girlfriend he had when he was 18-20. He's now 73 and has been happily married to my mum for almost 50 years, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel affection for an old love.

 

This is always an interesting topic. It is complex in some ways because it is highly circumstantial.

 

I have affection/care for my exes, yet do not make any effort out of my way to contact them. There have been a few situations that I did reach out, briefly. One has a brain tumor, the other was for business purposes. There is certainly no animosity, yet our exchanges were brief.

Honestly, the vibe from them, married men, was that a friendly/caring short interaction was within the comfort zone of their relationship. I respect that, why the heck wouldn't I.

 

Deciding to not trust someone who chooses to not keep contact with a former lover seems odd to me. There are many reasons why a person would choose to discontinue contact...in my case, I knew that their wives would not be comfortable. Since I have no agenda....this is not something I find annoying or a reason to question their character. In fact I do not. They are fantastic husbands, fathers, human beings and if anything, I admire them more for their actionable integrity and loyalties.

 

Since none of my exes warrant any particular reason to speak with or not and require no diligence ...my opinion is that if it feels natural and unobtrusive...ok.

[minimariah]

I'm just curious. Are there people here who have no contact with any of their exes at all? Not even years after the break up when all emotions have gone?

 

nope - i had two serious BIG relationships... minus my xH (we have a child together so NC is impossible). in one relationship, the break-up was amicable but we never had the desire to stay in touch. we'd see each other and greet & politely chat and then... we'd both be on our ways. he also moved to Australia while i stayed in EU and i never saw him again or talked to him. with the other relationship - the break-up wasn't a nice one and he isn't someone i want in my life. with "smaller" relationships... like dating for a few months - yeah, i keep in contact with some of them.