MJJean Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 Because there's affection beyond romantic love or at least I hope so. Not for me. Friends are friends, lovers are lovers. Once a friendship crosses into a romantic relationship and that relationship ends, I really just don't feel anything. I don't even get curious about how they're doing. To me, they're just people out in the world doing whatever they're doing just like everyone else. Nope. I kinda agree w Emily in that if I found out someone had absolutely no contact w any ex, I'd start to get suspicious about why exactly. DH asked about that when we were dating because I think he was a bit suspicious, too. It took forever to explain it because I think he thought I was minimizing or downplaying or something, he's such a softie! When I am done, I'm done. It's just not my nature to care for someone, one way or another, once the relationship ends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 Exes are a past and in the past they stay. No as friends , acquaintances, nothing. It's best for any future relationships. Relationships are difficult anyway and keeping a past on the side is adding to problems. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
just peachy Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 (edited) i just have one ex, and we have 100% no contact since the break up/divorce what so ever and i guess thats what helps with moving on, you have no choice but to. I also agree is best, someone who still talks to their ex its just a tad strange to me because no matter what they say makes me think they still have some sort of feelings or sentimental attachment value of some sort to them. Edited July 11, 2016 by just peachy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 I don't speak with any of my exes. Only one of my exes even lives where I live. With two of my exes, it ended him pretty bad terms, so I can't for see us ever really talking again. The other two exes, we just don't talk. It's not really a purposeful, but we each have our own lives to live. Both of them are married, so I would think it would be a little inappropriate to talk to them if it was anything more than a casual hello. For the most part, they have just faded away to the point that they aren't really a part of my life. I'm sure they feel the same way. No hard feelings towards any of them though. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 I think avoiding dating someone because they dont talk to their exes is bizarre. It doesn't mean they have a black and white view of the world (hypocritical ), wouldn't it depend on the circumstances? I would prefer to be with someone that has no to limited contact with their exes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 I think avoiding dating someone because they dont talk to their exes is bizarre. It doesn't mean they have a black and white view of the world (hypocritical ), wouldn't it depend on the circumstances? I would prefer to be with someone that has no to limited contact with their exes. I wouldn't avoid it; I'd just take it into account. I agree that it's circumstantial and said as much, but if every relationship ends with NC, that's no circumstance - that's a deliberate choice. I don't care that friends do it, but I'd feel safer being with a partner who is ok with at least one of his exes - it just feels more natural, less deliberate to me. I accept that others (like you) don't share my views, and can't see what's hypocritical about it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 I guess what you're describing is indifference, then. It obviously depends on the nature (abuse, cheating, actual level of care, etc.) and length of the relationship (which seems to have a different definition for a lot of people anyway, as evidenced on the board), but most people I know in my life have some sort of contact with at least one ex, even if just superficial. I would be very hesitant to get involved with someone who has absolutely no contact at all with every single one of their exes, without any exception - that indicates, to me, a certain black and white view of life I would struggle to be compatible with. It's a character trait I have always specifically looked for in a guy (though not in friendship, obviously). I wouldn't be concerned about someone who was indifferent to their exes and didn't have contact. My red flag would be someone who *hated* all their exes. Or who said that all their exes were crazy. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 I wouldn't be concerned about someone who was indifferent to their exes and didn't have contact. My red flag would be someone who *hated* all their exes. Or who said that all their exes were crazy. That makes sense, and it's also normal that you would accept of others what you do yourself (the indifference/no contact part, not the crazy exes part!). For me personally, if a guy was to have a problem with me keeping in touch (as in the occasional catch-up) with an ex I once cared for, I would be more than taken aback. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilia Posted July 11, 2016 Author Share Posted July 11, 2016 If a guy thought all his exes were crazy and spoke badly of them, that would be a red flag. I've never really thought of discussing the the contact vs NC thing with guys I've dated. Some had exes they kept in touch with, others didn't but I'm thinking this point is more subtle than I used to think. Maybe it's something I'll consider in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted July 12, 2016 Share Posted July 12, 2016 I wouldn't be concerned about someone who was indifferent to their exes and didn't have contact. My red flag would be someone who *hated* all their exes. Or who said that all their exes were crazy. If someone says all their ex's were crazy and that person wants to date you, does that mean you're crazy, too? If a guy thought all his exes were crazy and spoke badly of them, that would be a red flag. I've never really thought of discussing the the contact vs NC thing with guys I've dated. Some had exes they kept in touch with, others didn't but I'm thinking this point is more subtle than I used to think. Maybe it's something I'll consider in the future. Contact with ex's and how much/what kind of contact is something I think of as a compatibility issue. If your date doesn't bring it up, you should. Just so you know off the bat if you're on the same page or if ex contact will be a problem in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted July 12, 2016 Share Posted July 12, 2016 (edited) I dont see it as appropriate to contact or see the ex if you're in a new relationship so it would probably be a deal breaker me if my bf was hanging out with his ex regularly or contacting regularly (and i probably wouldnt date someone with a kid so that wouldnt be an issue but that would be an exception). I think if it's going to be an issue it will come to light, so there's no need to raise it imo. Edited July 12, 2016 by smiley1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted July 12, 2016 Share Posted July 12, 2016 For the record i have had contact with all exes at some point. But as for coping, i wish i had the strength like others to never look back because i think its for the best. There are times where i think im over it and reach out as a friend but I've been mistaken. Even years later i still have some pain and miss him. So it is always a risk that it will cause more pain (for me.. cause i take longer than most to move forward and recover ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trinity_84 Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 I'm just curious. Are there people here who have no contact with any of their exes at all? Not even years after the break up when all emotions have gone? I have contact with some. Sort of drift in and out of conversations. I have had 3 "real" serious relationships. As in, they lasted over 6 months and there was a long term prospect (talk of marriage or actual co/habitation). I have NO contact whatsoever with any of these 3 exes. One of those relationships I ended (the last one) the first 2 they left me for someone else. The more "casual" exes I keep in touch via Facebook, or when we run into each other we talk normally and in a friendly manner. Take that for what you may. Link to post Share on other sites
Trinity_84 Posted July 13, 2016 Share Posted July 13, 2016 For the most part, they have just faded away to the point that they aren't really a part of my life. I'm sure they feel the same way. No hard feelings towards any of them though. Yeah, this. Link to post Share on other sites
Iamlostin Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 Well I this is all based on the situation and the person at hand. I have had contact with actually all of my exes at one point or another, weither it was coincidence, out of feelings and everything else in between. Some have evolved to a point of just an acquaintance that I am okay to be around, others not so much. My most recent ex and I had an encounter almost got back together then he re ended it. He's the example of the person I'll never probably end up taking to again because it was a long relationship and there's nothing but bull****. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 I actually ran into an ex last night after the bar. I was walking to a place to call an Uber and there she was. We had a brief 2-3 minute exchange, though I was mostly talking to her cute friend, which is probably why she took off abruptly. It's the third time I've seen her in the last six months. First was another random run-in when I was pretty drunk where she was asking me all sorts of questions and I ended up bouncing in the middle to play pool. The other came a week after that; I went out with her, her sister and my best friend (who is her sister's husband). We had a pretty long conversation that night and she wanted me to Uber back with her (her and I lived 20 minutes from where her sister was staying). I somewhat avoided that by inviting my friend with us. We texted a bit after that, but that faded out because neither one of us was terribly interested in carrying on. Bumping into her doesn't do anything to me emotionally at all -- I'm long since detached from that. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 How they speak of their exes means much more to me than if they speak to their exes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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