Is marraige worth it?

[Rosalind]

Yes......if, both partners share the same level of commitment to the relationship.

 

There's you, and there's him - and then there's the marriage. The marriage should be treated almost as a 3rd entity...something that needs to be nurtured, and attended to.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yes!

 

I don't regret my first marriage because of my kiddos- and despite everything it was good for ten years or so. I wish I would have left earlier than I did but when it got bad I was pregnant.

[Moose]

Marriage is an institution invented by humans

Says you.

[hotgurl]

I've known several. All had in common that both people thought very highly of their partners, that they didn't take everything horribly seriously, and that they had fun together. You need to find someone like that or it won't work. I think most important is thinking highly of your partner. A lot of people marry people they don't respect, but lack of respect turns to contempt after a while. If you don't respect him or her, do NOT marry him or her; it just won't work.

 

I completly agree with this.

 

I really respect my bf. we are very different but have shared our passions with each other. And always we can laugh together and have fun.

[She_Devil]

Originally posted by hotgurl

I completly agree with this.

 

I really respect my bf. we are very different but have shared our passions with each other. And always we can laugh together and have fun.

 

Enjoy that. Marriage is a pain in the ass. (all I can do is speak from experiance) That is why I am no longer married.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by Moose

Says you.

 

Where did the concept of marriage come from?

[Moose]

I don't want to start anything, or hi-jack anyone's thread. I sent you a PM Pocky.

[FolderWife]

Yes, absolutely

[reservoirdog1]

Well, that PARTICULAR marriage definitely wasn't worth it. Other than my kids.

 

But, I'd do it again, with the right person.

[scratch]

Although Horse's post comes the closest to addressing the question I have, it still misses the mark a bit.

 

What is the advantage of marriage over dating somebody seriously and exclusively? It seems that the exchange of vows are mere words, and if that person hasn't demonstrated their commitment to those vows in their actions, you shouldn't be serious with them in the first place.

 

Do note, Horse, that I'm not picking on or attacking you. I just don't see any advantages of marriage, and since you were the one who came closest to articulating genuine reasons, I'm calling upon you to defend them.

 

Originally posted by Horse

I sort of felt that way before I got married. I dated my wife for six years because we weren't in a hurry. We thought of marriage as sort of a formality.

 

It is a formality. Nothing you or anyone else has posted has rebutted that conception.

 

Originally posted by Horse

Now that I am married I take my vows and the institution more seriouosly. I am more commited to doing the work to make it work than I would have been otherwise. I have more of a long term view and I work to make things better, because I want the relationship to last, whereas in previous relationships I would just bail when things got real.

 

Maybe I am wrong, but I suspect that has a ton more to do with how much you value the woman you're currently with than the fact that she's the person with whom you happened to share the ceremony.

 

Originally posted by Horse

I also see it as a foundation for a family (kids). You can have kids without a marriage, but I don't want to. I grew up in chaos and I would like to give my kids some stability.

 

I happen to agree with you here, but would still like to hear you explain the relationship between marriage and stability, assuming the unmarried couple does want to spend the rest of their lives together. Did you grow up in chaos because your parents weren't married, or because they were irresponsible people who hated each other?

 

Originally posted by Horse

I've learned that you can work to make your relationship a lot better. I think the key is not to wait until its screwed up before you start doing the work. I think we are doing better than when we got married.

 

This is a fallacious argument. Again, marriage didn't teach you that - having a relationship with someone you deeply care about did.

 

Originally posted by Horse

In the short term, no it's not as fun as hooking up with a new woman every couple of months, but my life always felt empty when I was doing that. Even though I can get frustrated sometimes, I am happier now.

 

This is the biggest problem I have with the idea that marriage is a good thing. The choice isn't either marriage, or random hookups. The choice is a legally certified romantic relationship, and an uncertified one.

 

I see marriage primarily as an transfer of financial security from the spouse who enters into the relationship with more security to the one who enters with less. In fact, marriage only differs from seriously dating in that the dissolution has financial ramifications.

[Horse]

Originally posted by scratch

Although Horse's post comes the closest to addressing the question I have, it still misses the mark a bit.

 

What is the advantage of marriage over dating somebody seriously and exclusively? It seems that the exchange of vows are mere words, and if that person hasn't demonstrated their commitment to those vows in their actions, you shouldn't be serious with them in the first place.

 

Do note, Horse, that I'm not picking on or attacking you. I just don't see any advantages of marriage, and since you were the one who came closest to articulating genuine reasons, I'm calling upon you to defend them.

 

 

 

It is a formality. Nothing you or anyone else has posted has rebutted that conception.

 

 

 

Maybe I am wrong, but I suspect that has a ton more to do with how much you value the woman you're currently with than the fact that she's the person with whom you happened to share the ceremony.

 

 

 

I happen to agree with you here, but would still like to hear you explain the relationship between marriage and stability, assuming the unmarried couple does want to spend the rest of their lives together. Did you grow up in chaos because your parents weren't married, or because they were irresponsible people who hated each other?

 

 

 

This is a fallacious argument. Again, marriage didn't teach you that - having a relationship with someone you deeply care about did.

 

 

 

This is the biggest problem I have with the idea that marriage is a good thing. The choice isn't either marriage, or random hookups. The choice is a legally certified romantic relationship, and an uncertified one.

 

I see marriage primarily as an transfer of financial security from the spouse who enters into the relationship with more security to the one who enters with less. In fact, marriage only differs from seriously dating in that the dissolution has financial ramifications.

 

Marriage is also a promise that you make in front of your community (and god if you swing that way). Making that commitment in front of my family and friends sort of bound us all together. I think about the promises that I made ad the other people that my actions would affect dissapoint when I have doubts or temptations.

 

Yeah, you don't need a piece of paper to make those promises etc., but the piece of paper isn't the marriage. the piece of paper is a formality. Living up to the promises that you make in front of your community is the marriage. It's a work in progress and a commitment to continue that work.

 

All human institutions are only as powerful as the will of the people who create them. In one sense laws are just words, but our society has a strong will to follow and enforce them. Marriage can be total BS, if the people getting married have no will to follow through on their promises. Making you commitment in front of the people you care about most strengthens your resolve.

 

You are right though. You don't need that piece of paper or a ceremony to make and choose to live up to the promises that you make in your relationship. Many people get married and never take it seriously. Many people never get married, but remain commited to each other. For me the ceremony and the institution helps me remain commited and focussed on my relationship.

 

I don't really know how to convince you that marriage adds something because I wasn't expecting it myself. Sometimes I still wonder if it will last forever, but somewhere along the way I became more commited and started taking my marriage and relationship with our community more seriously.

 

Yes. Most of it is the relationship I have with my wife, independent of the ceremony and paper. The promises that I made just add a little more motivation to do the right thing and to try to be a good person.

 

The ring helps too.

 

I grew up in chaos because my moms second husband is mentally ill (probably pshychotic), an alchoholic, and an addict. She worked while he stayed home and "raised" us. She stayed with him for a long time because she was afraid she could not make it on her own with four kids.

 

She was married, so I'm not saying marriage is going to prevent this kind of chaos, but for me it's all part of the same thing. It is another motivation to maintain that commitment. I want to be the one to be there and raise my kids. That way I can be the one to make their life chaotic.

 

 

I don't feel attacked (bring it on!), but it is hard to defend/explain something that I don't totally understand myself. I'm not religious or normally a community-minded type of person. I didn't feel compelled to get married to make god or my family happy. I did it because I love my wife and I want to have my own family.

[scratch]

Originally posted by Horse

Marriage is also a promise that you make in front of your community (and god if you swing that way). Making that commitment in front of my family and friends sort of bound us all together. I think about the promises that I made ad the other people that my actions would affect dissapoint when I have doubts or temptations.

 

I don't feel attacked (bring it on!), but it is hard to defend/explain something that I don't totally understand myself. I'm not religious or normally a community-minded type of person. I didn't feel compelled to get married to make god or my family happy. I did it because I love my wife and I want to have my own family.

 

Interesting reply, thanks. I get what you're saying, and understand why marriage works for you. It helps to have the added incentive that if you fail to keep your promises, not only will you let your wife down, but the entire families and the community (however you define it).

 

If I'm correctly reading between the lines, you're also saying that your wife wanted to be married and you felt some pressure from either her or the "community" to "make an honest woman of her."

 

Personally, I have a more internal sense of commitment, in that the main reason to honor any commitment is because it feels great to be the kind of person who honors them, so we can reasonably differ on the utillity of marriage to enhance commitment. And I admit, if I felt like she was the one with whom I wanted to spend my life and felt that I had to either marry her or lose her, I'd almost certainly marry her. But that doesn't change the fact that, for me, nothing is different between a marriage and a serious relationship except the legal consequences of the breakup.

[Thinkalot]

Yep-in my opinion it's worth it. A partner to share life's highs and lows, a playmate in fun and adventure, a faithful lover, someone who knows you and your faults and still loves you, and someone with whom you can be yourself.

 

Sure- it's hard...really hard sometimes, and it can be a huge challenge, but you get big rewards too.

[Horse]

Originally posted by scratch

 

If I'm correctly reading between the lines, you're also saying that your wife wanted to be married and you felt some pressure from either her or the "community" to "make an honest woman of her."

 

No, there was no pressure. That's why it took six years. I actually proposed after the first year and before I met her family. By the time we got married, five years after I proposed, we figured we had been living together for so long that nothing would change. We had already bought a house together.

 

I proposed because I knew that I wanted to be with her above all others. I think I did it more out of a sense of romance, than the idea that I had to live up to some social or familial expectations.

 

I also have more of an internal sense of commitment and honor. I was raised to have little respect for institutions and not to conform. Thats actually another reason I thought of marriage as a formality. People either choose to live up to their commitments (at least try) or they don't. For me it's a pragmatic choice. I want people to continue to respect and trust me, so I try not to betray that trust or respect.

 

My wife and I would still have a good relationship without our marriage, but I think marriage added to it. It just strengthened my already strong commitment.

 

I think formality may be the wrong word. Maybe I saw it as more of a gesture of love and a convenience.