Should we tell my aunt that my uncle is cheating on her?

[ma481]

Hello,

I've been reading this forum for a while and has helped me with some personal stuff and I thought I'd give this a try.

My mother told me that she caught my uncle (her brother) cheating on his wife with the lady that takes care of my grandmother. She actually caught the two of them in bed and she is still in shock.

 

After that she yelled at my uncle told him that she is ashamed and disgusted and he stand there speechless and red with embarrassment.

The couple has been going through some rough patches the last few years and at one time my uncle left his house for about a year before he returned. During that time I suspected that there was another woman involved but I didn't have any evidence.

 

My aunt prides her self in being an independent strong woman when in reality when it comes to her relationship with my uncle she is not. She is actually very attached to him and needs him. My fear is that if we tell her she will be extremely embarrassed and divorce him. Not that I have any problem with that as he clearly doesn't deserve to be married to her but I've been reading in this forum that lots of couples try to reconcile and I don't want to appear as if I'm meddling with their marriage.

 

They have two daughters aged 26 and 28 and they would be furious if they knew.

 

I suggested to my mother that she talks to him and threaten to tell his wife if he doesn't come clean with her. My father says that we should keep out of this and that it is not our business but I'm thinking that if I were her I would like to know.

Sorry for the grammar

What would you do?

Edited July 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs, spelling and move to Family forum

[CarrieT]

Yes, I would tell.

[Lady Hamilton]

I would stay far out of it. You found out via your mother, and if you tell, you out your mother and put her smack in the middle of it. That is just not fair to her.

 

It's her secret to tell, not yours. It's not worth damaging the relationship you have with your mother as well as the relationship you have your your aunt and uncle, and perhaps your grandmother to out something you have hearsay proof of.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I would never tell someone unless I myself knew it was an absolute fact.

 

Furthermore I would not want anyone to tell me unless they were 100% sure.

 

So in this case... I think you should stay out of it. Your taking a big chance of driving a wedge between family members.

[ma481]

Your are right that I shouldn't be the one to tell. It is not my place for sure and it would be extremely akward for everyone.

I was wondering more about my mother if she should tell her or just talk to her brother about it.

She called me and asked for my advice on the matter and I thought I post it here as it is not sth I have personally experience.

[dreamingoftigers]

Your are right that I shouldn't be the one to tell. It is not my place for sure and it would be extremely akward for everyone.

I was wondering more about my mother if she should tell her or just talk to her brother about it.

She called me and asked for my advice on the matter and I thought I post it here as it is not sth I have personally experience.

 

As a betrayed wife, I would be extremely upset to find out just how many people, including relatives all knew and didn't tell me.

 

Even leaving something anonymous for her would be better than knowing her husband could be infecting her with countless STDs and her not knowing.

 

BTW, your uncle is a pig. It's one thing to screw around, it's even worse to involve staff that care for his mother and do it in a place where he could obviously, easily be discovered. How nice for everyone else eh?

 

I would let the aunt know soon because chances are he's getting his story broadcast to her first and foremost to discredit anything possibly coming in. Too bad your mother didn't whip out a smartphone and do a live broadcast. No arguing that crap.

[elaine567]

I think your mother should tell your aunt.

Your aunt is a grown woman and she needs to know.

It is then up to her what she does with that info. She may be well aware, or totally in the dark but she needs to know what your mother witnessed.

Secrets are horrible in families and this secret will affect the relationship your mother has with the aunt and I guess she will start avoiding her, leaving the poor woman upset as to what she did wrong to your mother.

If she finds out later that your mother knew all along, she is gong to be hurt that your mother never told her and took her cheating brother's side.

 

Is the lady concerned still caring for your grandmother?

Is the affair still ongoing?

[S2B]

Since your Mom had first hand evidence she should tell.

 

And your Dad = first hand coward! Staying silent is the same as making it all ok...that's pretty crappy of him too.

 

Have your Mom tell her.

[ma481]

The only ones who know about this is my mother, father and me and I had a conversasion with my mother that whatever she decides to do she shouldn't tell anyone else (they are five siblings total). Three people is too many in my opinion.

The last thing I want for her is to feel embarassed for his stupid decisions.

I think my aunt is oblivious to the fact that he cheats or may have cheated. She thinks of him as a very kind and moral person.

The incident where my mother found out happened this morning (it is afternoon now).

The lady is still at my grandmothers house and my uncle is very protective of her from the day she came into the house. My mother went to stay there a week ago to help out because my grandmother had a light stroke and saw the red flags and got suspicious. (Grandma is ok but still recovering)

I told my mother that they should get rid of her as soon as possible.

[sandylee1]

It's for your mother to decide I'd say. If it was my brother and I found out I'd make sure that woman left the house immediately and if he quibbled I'd let him know I'd tell SIL. He either tells her or he can divorce her. I couldn't stand by and let it carry on. My fear would be she finds out that I knew and I just would hate the backlash.

 

Plus the OW was probably brought closer to make the affair easier.

 

How disrespectful to your Aunt.

 

Your dad sounds just like mine. That's exactly what he'd say as well.

[katielee]

She will find out. And she will find out you knew. Put yourself in a position where you do the most loving thing. Tell your uncle he needs to tell his wife or someone else will. It's not like this happened in the past, it's happening right now!!!

[Cinnamonstix]

Putting myself in your aunt shoes, I would want to know.

I'd be very angry once I found out (because she will) just how many people knew.

 

If your mom won't tell, I think you should do the right thing and tell her.

It's not just "hearsay" from anyone - it's from your mom who saw your uncle in bed with another woman with her own two eyes.

 

The uncle doesn't deserve to be given the chance to have the news come from him.

It wouldn't be coming from a place of honesty and remorse.

Your aunt might put more trust in him just for confessing than he deserves.

[road]

Your are right that I shouldn't be the one to tell. It is not my place for sure and it would be extremely akward for everyone.

I was wondering more about my mother if she should tell her or just talk to her brother about it.

She called me and asked for my advice on the matter and I thought I post it here as it is not sth I have personally experience.

 

 

Your mom should tell.

 

 

You know it is a fact because an eye witness, your mom told you. If your mom refuses to come to her sister's aid then you should.

[seren]

If the woman was stealing from your Aunt I would imagine she would be told, right away. Affairs steal too, they take away choice, they take away the right of your Aunt to know the reality of her life and make an informed choice, stay or leave. I would pose that question to your Mum and ask what she might do if it were things stolen instead of choice and dignity.

 

Either way, I would make sure of the facts, then I would make sure my Aunt knew. I would also make sure the carer was struck off, it steps over a professional line that shouldn't be crossed. I hope it all works out. x

[Dlucio1]

I would want to know ASAP, so that ur aunt can kick that woman out herself.

[Miss Clavel]

ok. so, wow.

 

at the very least i would have the **cough cough** "caregiver" removed from taking care of anyone. she is in that house without her pants on, let alone her underwear. do we even know if she washes her hands on a regular basis?

 

she's being paid to do a job she is not paying attention to. fire her.

 

that should be enough to let your uncle know you're on to him and you won't protect him forever.

 

let him know, if he protests the cheaters change in employment status, your mom will make sure his marital status changes.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

She actually caught the two of them in bed and she is still in shock.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I suggested to my mother that she talks to him and threaten to tell his wife if he doesn't come clean with her. My father says that we should keep out of this and that it is not our business but I'm thinking that if I were her I would like to know.

 

What would you do?

 

If your aunt's house was on fire, would you tell her? Or would you tell yourself it's not your business and let it burn?

 

Since your mom knows for a fact, she has to pick a side. Will she align herself with your aunt or the cheating uncle? She has to make a choice. By not telling, she is by default siding with your uncle. By coming forward, she is siding with your aunt. Either way, she is in essence protecting one of them. Which one will it be? Pretty simple to me. Tell her what your mom saw.

 

If she goes the route to have the uncle "come clean" or else, then he will minimize and twist the situation. I would have your mom tell your aunt what she saw, and let her (BW) decide her next move.

[beatcuff]

Since your mom knows for a fact, she has to pick a side. Will she align herself with your aunt or the cheating uncle? She has to make a choice.

 

are you not asking the same of the OP (choosing a side)? actually it is more difficult because by telling she is siding with the aunt over mom AND dad. the OP has second hand information, she did not witness it. it is nothing more than gossip. no matter how convinced the teller is, it is still gossip.

 

forget that, OP tells the aunt, can we guess the questions --- where, when, who, how... and the OP will have to say??? don't know, don't know --- ask my mom?

 

now OP can do her best to convince mom to disclose it but otherwise she has to let this slide.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

are you not asking the same of the OP (choosing a side)? actually it is more difficult because by telling she is siding with the aunt over mom AND dad. the OP has second hand information, she did not witness it. it is nothing more than gossip. no matter how convinced the teller is, it is still gossip.

 

forget that, OP tells the aunt, can we guess the questions --- where, when, who, how... and the OP will have to say??? don't know, don't know --- ask my mom?

 

now OP can do her best to convince mom to disclose it but otherwise she has to let this slide.

Where did I say that the OP should tell the aunt?

[TunaCat]

If it were my brother who I caught cheating on his wife, DAMN STRAIGHT I'd be telling the wife. So yes, ABSOLUTELY your mother should be the one telling her sister in law.

[Tayla]

Yes tell.

 

It is not the messenger who needs shot... Remember that the truth releases the false assumptions and cleanse the soul.

[beatcuff]

Where did I say that the OP should tell the aunt?

 

seriously?

 

... Tell her what your mom saw...

 

i await your apology. unless of course HER refers to a fourth (not discussed) person.

 

and now explain to the OP how life will be when she chooses auntie over mommy and daddy.

 

yes of course BS want to know, EXCEPT in this case the one (OP) with the information (second hand no less) will have their own repercussions to deal with.

Edited July 13, 2016 by beatcuff
spelling

[Betrayed&Stayed]

seriously?

 

 

 

i await your apology. unless of course HER refers to a fourth (not discussed) person.

 

and now explain to the OP how life will be when she chooses auntie over mommy and daddy.

 

yes of course BS want to know, EXCEPT in this case the one (OP) with the information (second hand no less) will have their own repercussions to deal with.

 

"I would have your mom tell your aunt what she saw, and let her (BW) decide her next move. "