Untrusting girlfriend in need of help!

[brie3186]

I need advice from someone who doesn't have a bias, that's why I'm doing this. My sister already didn't like my boyfriend (she's never liked any of them) so she doesn't want me to be with him. Of course my boyfriend doesn't want me to leave him, so I need to talk to someone who really doesn't care what I do because it doesn't affect them.

 

About two months ago, my boyfriend of 6 months (we'll call him 'S') moved in with me and everything had been great. About a month ago I found an email on our shared computer from a female friend of his (let's call her 'C') saying something along the lines of "If my roommate, 'J', hadn't come home when she did, would something have happened between the two of us, besides the cuddling that already occurs - which is great for us, by the way...". I seem to have blacked out after that as I don't remember reading the rest of the lengthy message. His reply was yes. I looked at more messages between the two (I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it) where he would write things like "Do me" and "The cuddling was almost as good as everything else". The night I found them I talked to him and expressed my concern about their friendship and how I really didn't trust her or like her. I thought I was giving him every opportunity to let me know something happened, or that he wanted to be with her. He said I had nothing to worry about. That they were just friends, they were both in different relationships and he hardly ever saw her anyway. That he loved me. The next morning I told him I had seen the messages. What he said was something I wasn't prepared for.

 

I was prepared for S to say "Yes, I kissed her. Yes we cuddled on the couch. Yes I like her." I was not prepared for him telling me that they were cuddling while watching a movie (he says it didn't mean anything to him, it was just nice to feel liked again) and her roommate J came home and C and J were joking about the possibility of a threesome. S said "If I wasn't in my relationship, and C wasn't in hers, I don't see why not". Apparently C and J started something happening, S freaked out and came home. That night, I didn't ask him where he had been because I already knew. Even though I hadn't found the emails, I knew he was with her. Before going to bed, he told me he loved me. It was the first time. Now knowing what occurred that night in order for him to tell me how he felt makes me feel sick. Confronting him didn't help, because as much as you want to know, you really don't. And I just wasn't prepared for what he was telling me. That he didn't actually cheat on me, that he was selfish and insecure about our relationship and my feelings towards him and he needed something that insignificant, but an ultimately huge mistake, for him to realize I was the only person he needed and wanted. Now he talks about wanting to marry me, and plotting out a subconscious plan to have children with me. But I can't trust him to be honest with me.

 

And last night it got worse. I found out that when C and J "started something", it included all 3 of them removing their clothes before he freaked out and left. When I asked him if he had "hooked up" with them (words J had used in an email to him) he said "I wouldn't call it hooking up, but it is something you'd be uncomfortable with. It's something I was uncomfortable with." He said the flirty emails back and forth were because he didn't want people to hate him, even though he knew he'd never spend time with them again. I told him that in his quest to make the most insignificant of people feel like they mattered and like they weren't hated, he was killing me. Our relationship has really suffered and I have zero trust for him. I love him, but sometimes it hurts to be around him, although I'm not sure which would be worse right now. To be with him, or to be without him. He said the reason he never told me is because he knew I would've broken up with him and "If you get the chance to be with the love of your life, happily, wouldn't you take that over ruining it over something so trivial and insignificant?". I told him no, because I'm not that selfish. That if I really loved someone they deserved to know the truth from the beginning. It's a fresh wound and the easiest way to heal it would be to ask him to leave and never speak to me again, but I'm done taking the easy way out of things. I just don't want to destroy what's left of our relationship because of my pain. Help! Thank you.

[westernxer]

Just to let you know, no guy befriends a girl just to be friends. "Friends" is more like it.

 

Of course your boyfriend doesn't want you to leave him... every cheater needs an insurance policy.

 

You're better off dumping the bastard, unless you're afraid of being alone.

[crazy_grl]

Maybe you got some of the details wrong, because this email:

 

Originally posted by brie3186

"If my roommate, 'J', hadn't come home when she did, would something have happened between the two of us, besides the cuddling that already occurs - which is great for us, by the way...". I seem to have blacked out after that as I don't remember reading the rest of the lengthy message. His reply was yes.

 

doesn't seem to match this explaination:

 

I was not prepared for him telling me that they were cuddling while watching a movie (he says it didn't mean anything to him, it was just nice to feel liked again) and her roommate J came home and C and J were joking about the possibility of a threesome. S said "If I wasn't in my relationship, and C wasn't in hers, I don't see why not". Apparently C and J started something happening, S freaked out and came home.

 

From the email, it sounded like they were cosy on the couch, about to have something happen between then, and the roommate interrupted. His "yes" reply in the email doesn't seem to indicate that he would have been freaked out about it.

 

Or maybe you didn't get anything wrong and he's just lying.

 

Even though I hadn't found the emails, I knew he was with her. Before going to bed, he told me he loved me. It was the first time. Now knowing what occurred that night in order for him to tell me how he felt makes me feel sick.

 

It's pretty low that he would tell you he loves you for the first time under those circumstances. It's as though he were trying to use that as a way to make you stay with him. That makes the marriage and children things he's bringing up look like empty promises just to keep you around.

 

"If you get the chance to be with the love of your life, happily, wouldn't you take that over ruining it over something so trivial and insignificant?".

 

If he thinks getting naked with other women, cuddling on the couch and almost having 'something' happen is insignificant, maybe you should consider whether this is someone you want to be with. Even if he agrees to stay away from this girl, if he sees nothing wrong with the behavior, what will stop him from finding another girl to replace her.

 

You've already said that you don't trust him. Once you can't trust someone, the relationship is pretty much already over. The only question is how long and painfully do you want to drag it out?

[Mz. Pixie]

"was not prepared for him telling me that they were cuddling while watching a movie (he says it didn't mean anything to him, it was just nice to feel liked again)"

 

This is a red flag statement right here sweetie. He cuddled with her to feel liked again? WTF are you doing for him?? Being with you he doesn't feel liked??

 

IMO, cudding like they were doing is cheating. My fiance' has several very close friends that are women- two from college. They have all been through the wringer together and there has never been anything intimate between them at all. I can tell you without a doubt that if my man ever told me he was "cuddling on the couch" with his female friend and almost had a threesome then things would be over between us, pronto.

 

Have some self esteem honey and get yourself a guy who really truly loves you.

[JulianSC]

dont put up with this dude, i know it seems hard to understand why, but only god knows why, there is enough evidence for conviction here. he is afraid of being alone, and wants freedom, which means no commitment. he probably does love you, but love means something different to him than you. his brain has been trained and it would be short of a miracle to help him.

 

let him go, there are billions of people out there, many perfect for you, use this as a lesson...

 

whatever doesnt kill you, only makes you stronger

 

gl

[nicki]

I agree, once you have lost trust in someone, the relationship is usually over. I had a boyfriend like yours. Lies, explanations, etc....I was always trying to find the "truth." I tried to "fix" him too...

 

The poster is right who said to watch his actions. My boyfriend also said he loved me, wanted to marry me, blah blah blah...but he didn't hurry to finalize his divorce or take any other ACTION.

 

Don't be like me. I hung on for a year after I lost trust in him, then I had to leave. Wasted time. For me, it was over the day I caught him lying.

 

It sounds like this guy is keeping you on the back burner. Take it from me, there are a lot of men who will put you on the front burner. Men who will never break your trust...go find one of those guys...