Online Dating Etiquette: Why would a girl leave a guy hanging?

[offwithhishead]

So I've been talking back and forth with this girl on eHarmony for about a week. The e-mail exchanges became more and more deeper and interesting between us and I thought that we had a connection. I got little hints from her that she'd be interested in meeting up. So last Thursday, I sent her a message and asked if she'd be interested in meeting up. I suggested we go somewhere for a drink and then maybe a walk after.

 

Since then, I've gotten NO response. It's like she disappeared. Keep in mind, before this message, we were exchanging messages everyday for about a week.

 

Now of course I don't know this girl but judging by her profile and the messages, she doesn't seem like the type that would just leave a guy hanging. Judging by her communication style, she's very honest and forthcoming so if she wasn't interested in meeting up, I feel like she would have at least sent me a message saying sorry not that interested and just close the match. We live in a huge city so the chances of us running into one another is nil.

 

And since eHarmony removed the "last active" feature from their site, there's no way to tell if she's still signing in or not. However, I do have the eHarmony mobile app and there's this green dot that appears beside the person's profile which I think indicates if the person has signed in in the last day or so. So I noticed that the green dot in her profile has disappeared which tells me she hasn't been signed in for at least a day or two. So there's the odd chance that she suddenly became busy and was just away from her computer for past couple days but these days, girls have their smartphones with them all the time and I'm sure she uses the app as well. How hard is it to just take out the phone, access the app, and write a quick message?

 

I totally get that there are two plausible reasons: She either met someone else more interesting than me or she just never had any interest in meeting up with me and taking the next step. I get it. I just don't understand why she couldn't just let me know that. Just write me a simple message saying something like: "Hey, I really enjoyed talking to you but I don't think we're a good match. Sorry." That's all it takes.

 

We wrote fairly long e-mails to each other over the course of a week so I feel that I'm somewhat entitled to a proper rejection. If it were just very brief one sentence communications that we had, then yeah, leaving things unspoken wouldn't be so strange. But she and I actually were communicating fairly well with lengthy messages.

 

So girls, have you ever done something like this and what were the reasons?

 

Sorry, just disappointed and frustrated. I am guilty of having gotten my hopes up about this girl.

Edited July 11, 2016 by offwithhishead

[SevenCity]

Women will rarely be courteous like that. I remember driving to Brooklyn for a date and the girl stood me up (took almost 2 hrs).

 

In their minds they feel it is less hurtful to keep you hanging then cut you off so you can move on. She also may be testing the waters with someone else and keeping you as a fallback.

 

It's also possible she got busy but I doubt it. A guy could be going in for heart surgery and meet a cute nurse on the way in and setup a date for after if he likes her.

[lana-banana]

I once very politely rejected someone and they threatened to hunt me down, kill me and rape me. Ever since then when I wasn't interested in someone I just said "no thank you" and immediately blocked them.

 

She blocked you. I know it sucks, but it's not like you guys ever met. Think of it like getting brushed off at a cocktail party. She decided she wasn't interested in meeting and chose to cut contact rather than drag things out. Don't take it personally.

[Michelle ma Belle]

The same reason why a guy would leave s girl hanging...because they can.

 

Sorry OP but online tends to cause people to forget their manners sometimes. It's sucks but thats how the game is played. You're gonna have to throw a thicker skin if you don't want to let these moments harden you.

 

Being online sometimes

[JuneJulySeptember]

People are just like that in general.

 

My friends ignore my texts all the time, reply to my invitations with 'maybe' meaning 'yea, I'll try and see you if nothing better comes up', and ignore my Facebook messages. I had a friend 3 weeks ago who assured me he would meet me for happy hour 3 different times, and I kept texting him the address that we were moving to out of courtesy. Crickets. Never heard from him. Didn't even think it was necessary to let me know he wasn't going to make it.

 

So to me, it's nothing specific to OLD or gender. Yes, I can understand if a woman is innundated with 100 first messages over a week and doesn't respond to all of them. But once she starts communicating...

 

Don't get me wrong. Well over half of people ignore others as they please. But if it pisses YOU off then make sure you don't do it yourself.

[offwithhishead]

She blocked you. I know it sucks, but it's not like you guys ever met. Think of it like getting brushed off at a cocktail party. She decided she wasn't interested in meeting and chose to cut contact rather than drag things out. Don't take it personally.

 

It's impossible to not take it personally because in this case, it's most probably cause of my looks. There was something about my looks that she didn't like so it's still personal.

 

The same reason why a guy would leave s girl hanging...because they can.

 

Sorry OP but online tends to cause people to forget their manners sometimes. It's sucks but thats how the game is played. You're gonna have to throw a thicker skin if you don't want to let these moments harden you.

 

Being online sometimes

 

Yeah you're right. Even though for me personally, if I wasn't interested in a girl, I'd tell her because that's just how I am so maybe I am expecting too much from other people.

 

People are just like that in general.

 

My friends ignore my texts all the time, reply to my invitations with 'maybe' meaning 'yea, I'll try and see you if nothing better comes up', and ignore my Facebook messages. I had a friend 3 weeks ago who assured me he would meet me for happy hour 3 different times, and I kept texting him the address that we were moving to out of courtesy. Crickets. Never heard from him. Didn't even think it was necessary to let me know he wasn't going to make it.

 

So to me, it's nothing specific to OLD or gender. Yes, I can understand if a woman is innundated with 100 first messages over a week and doesn't respond to all of them. But once she starts communicating...

 

Don't get me wrong. Well over half of people ignore others as they please. But if it pisses YOU off then make sure you don't do it yourself.

 

I find this kind of flaky behavior happens a lot in big cities. Big cities give people the illusion of too many choices when in reality, most of us don't actually have that many options unless you're really exceptional in some way whether it's looks or social status. It's quite sad.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Women will rarely be courteous like that. I remember driving to Brooklyn for a date and the girl stood me up (took almost 2 hrs).

 

In their minds they feel it is less hurtful to keep you hanging then cut you off so you can move on. She also may be testing the waters with someone else and keeping you as a fallback.

 

It's also possible she got busy but I doubt it. A guy could be going in for heart surgery and meet a cute nurse on the way in and setup a date for after if he likes her.

 

I have to say, I figured with the amount of investment and money a customer would put towards Eharmony, you'd think they'd not ghost.

[HowardAmore]

My best guess is that you "talked yourself out of it". What do I mean? I think there's a good chance that you were overly verbose, and instead of pushing the conversation toward meeting up in person, where all of the magic happens, you engaged in meaningless banter.

 

And she's met someone else in person already.

[BikerAccnt]

It's possible you waited to long to ask to meet, however if you did it within the week, I doubt that's it.

 

It's also possible, though not likely, that there is a legitimate reason behind the disappearance.

 

This happened to me a couple of months ago on POF. We' been communicating about a week, I asked her out, then nothing. She had stopped logging on also. (you can still see that stuff on pof) Two weeks later - and after I'd pretty much forgotten about her - I got a response saying she'd be more than happy to meet up with me. She'd gone on vacation backpacking and camping in California and didn't take her laptop. She doesn't use the phone app so, didn't see the message until she'd returned.

 

I know that sounds fishy but, she's my age, doesn't have a FB page, and didn't seem to care much about online stuff at all. A real outdoorsey back to nature type.

 

So, all I'm saying, is it's possible something legitimate came up.

But, it's just as likely, she flaked. You may never know.

[MissBee]

It's impossible to not take it personally because in this case, it's most probably cause of my looks. There was something about my looks that she didn't like so it's still personal.

 

 

 

Yeah you're right. Even though for me personally, if I wasn't interested in a girl, I'd tell her because that's just how I am so maybe I am expecting too much from other people.

 

 

 

I find this kind of flaky behavior happens a lot in big cities. Big cities give people the illusion of too many choices when in reality, most of us don't actually have that many options unless you're really exceptional in some way whether it's looks or social status. It's quite sad.

 

 

Didn't she see how you looked all along, so why would it be that? Unless you sent a new pic she hadn't seen before on Thursday, and she coincidentally disappeared then, perhaps then you could say maybe it was your looks.

 

When you don't know someone you really have no idea what else is going on with them. We can guess about it, but as others mentioned, you have to grow thick skin with OLD. It's disappointing of course, but considering you've never met before I would just brush it off rather than internalize it. Her reason for disappearing may have nothing to do with you. But in short, the reason men and women often disappear is because they're no longer interested (either found someone else or changed their minds about you) and don't know how to communicate it so think disappearing will give the person the hint. I've been guilty, but usually after a few short exchanges but wouldn't do that again to someone as I don't appreciate it on the receiving end.

[offwithhishead]

My best guess is that you "talked yourself out of it". What do I mean? I think there's a good chance that you were overly verbose, and instead of pushing the conversation toward meeting up in person, where all of the magic happens, you engaged in meaningless banter.

 

And she's met someone else in person already.

 

If I was overly verbose, then so was she. The conversation was getting more and more interesting and when I felt the time was right, I decided to ask her to meet up. The reason I asked at that time to meetup was cause I wanted to carry the conversation into real life. I didn't want to keep making things online.

 

It's possible you waited to long to ask to meet, however if you did it within the week, I doubt that's it.

 

It's also possible, though not likely, that there is a legitimate reason behind the disappearance.

 

This happened to me a couple of months ago on POF. We' been communicating about a week, I asked her out, then nothing. She had stopped logging on also. (you can still see that stuff on pof) Two weeks later - and after I'd pretty much forgotten about her - I got a response saying she'd be more than happy to meet up with me. She'd gone on vacation backpacking and camping in California and didn't take her laptop. She doesn't use the phone app so, didn't see the message until she'd returned.

 

I know that sounds fishy but, she's my age, doesn't have a FB page, and didn't seem to care much about online stuff at all. A real outdoorsey back to nature type.

 

So, all I'm saying, is it's possible something legitimate came up.

But, it's just as likely, she flaked. You may never know.

 

I feel that even if a girl is not the online type and is outdoorsy, if she's interested in a guy, she will not let him drift too far. So lack of interest and enthusiasm probably isn't a good sign in which case, maybe it's better to not have even met. It's not that fun meeting up with a girl who is dreading it.

 

 

Didn't she see how you looked all along, so why would it be that? Unless you sent a new pic she hadn't seen before on Thursday, and she coincidentally disappeared then, perhaps then you could say maybe it was your looks.

 

When you don't know someone you really have no idea what else is going on with them. We can guess about it, but as others mentioned, you have to grow thick skin with OLD. It's disappointing of course, but considering you've never met before I would just brush it off rather than internalize it. Her reason for disappearing may have nothing to do with you. But in short, the reason men and women often disappear is because they're no longer interested (either found someone else or changed their minds about you) and don't know how to communicate it so think disappearing will give the person the hint. I've been guilty, but usually after a few short exchanges but wouldn't do that again to someone as I don't appreciate it on the receiving end.

 

Nah I've got the same pics online since I started talking to her. Most likely she met someone else more interesting than me.

[MGX]

I totally get that there are two plausible reasons: She either met someone else more interesting than me or she just never had any interest in meeting up with me and taking the next step. I get it. I just don't understand why she couldn't just let me know that. Just write me a simple message saying something like: "Hey, I really enjoyed talking to you but I don't think we're a good match. Sorry." That's all it takes.

 

We wrote fairly long e-mails to each other over the course of a week so I feel that I'm somewhat entitled to a proper rejection. If it were just very brief one sentence communications that we had, then yeah, leaving things unspoken wouldn't be so strange. But she and I actually were communicating fairly well with lengthy messages.

 

So girls, have you ever done something like this and what were the reasons?

 

Sorry, just disappointed and frustrated. I am guilty of having gotten my hopes up about this girl.

 

I've been there myself. A girl that I was getting along with suddenly doesn't speak to me again after I asked her out. I never learned the reason why.

 

Unfortunately, it's part of the game. Rather than deal with the fallout of not being into you anymore and avoid any unpleasant interactions (some guys don't take rejection very well), they'd rather not answer you.

 

Personally, I like closure. If a woman that liked me engaged me in conversation, if I wasn't feeling her, I was quick to tell her. I wouldn't want feelings to develop. But if we stayed as being platonic, that's something else.

Edited July 20, 2016 by MGX

[MGX]

I once very politely rejected someone and they threatened to hunt me down, kill me and rape me. Ever since then when I wasn't interested in someone I just said "no thank you" and immediately blocked them.

 

Did you report that guy? That's unfortunate, but not every guy is a psycho.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I have to say, I figured with the amount of investment and money a customer would put towards Eharmony, you'd think they'd not ghost.

 

Haha you'd think but sadly bad manners exist everywhere and eHarmony is no different despite their lovely commercials filled with hope and promise