A Precarious Situation

[Wave Rider]

I met a woman a few weeks ago while swing dancing (we'll call her Woman 1). She goes to my university and I am interested in her. I have talked with her a few times since we met and her signals have been a mix of interest and neutrality/unsure. Last week Woman 1 brought her sister and best friend (Woman 2) to the dance, and Woman 2 showed clear signs of being interested in me: spending time talking to me, lots of eye contact, mirroring my body language, being interested in my life, etc. Woman 1 does not have a boyfriend, but it looks like from what I see on facebook, Woman 2 does have a boyfriend, though it's not totally clear.

 

I have been wanting to ask Woman 1 on a date, but her signals have been mixed, though I have not spent a whole lot of time talking to her. Woman 2 acted quite interested in me, though she appears to have a boyfriend. The precariousness is that these women are sisters and best friends, so whichever one I ask out on a date, that'll kill my chances with the other one, right?

 

I'm not sure if I'll see Woman 2 soon, because she goes to a different university and doesn't come to the dances regularly. I would casually ask her on facebook if she has a boyfriend, but if I do, I imagine she'll tell her sister Woman 1 about it. And even then, I'm more interested in Woman 1, though Woman 2 is also attractive and interesting.

 

I want to ask Woman 1 out on a date, but what should I do? Woman 2 seems more interested, but also seems to have a boyfriend. What are your recommendations?

Edited July 11, 2016 by Wave Rider

[Aniela]

If Woman #2 has a boyfriend, don't ask her out. I also wouldn't ask her out if you like her sister more.

 

If you like Woman #1, ask her out.

[JuneJulySeptember]

First off, I cannot count how many times a woman seemed interested in me (smiling, lots of eye contact, asking a lot of questions about me) but wasn't. However, it numbers well over 200 and is probably closer to 300.

 

Ask the woman that you like better. If you kill your chances with the other one, so what? It's a woman you barely know, and you are in college and have your whole life ahead of you. The chances of her marrying you, or going out with for that matter, are slim.

[normal person]

I want to ask Woman 1 out on a date, but what should I do? Woman 2 seems more interested, but also seems to have a boyfriend. What are your recommendations?

 

The notion that you would go out with someone largely just because they're seemingly interested in you is mind boggling to me. I will never understand people who think like this. I don't get the "precariousness" of the situation. Why don't you just try and go out with the one that you like? Who cares if the other one likes you (especially if she has a boyfriend) if you're interested in the other one?

[xxoo]

I think it's good that you're noticing the signs of interest. I did say in another thread that those signs could mean interest or that she's not single. You see, single women are careful not to be too, too friendly to men they aren't interested in, because those actions = interest. Otherwise, it's misleading. Attached women can by our normal, friendly selves without that worry. I'd act just as friendly and have the same body language with a woman, with the husband of a friend, etc.

 

I agree with others here. Focus on the one YOU have interest in, and who does not seem to have a bf. Keep flirting with her. See if she encourages you. If she does, there is a strong chance she'd like you to ask her out.

[Wave Rider]

I think it's good that you're noticing the signs of interest. I did say in another thread that those signs could mean interest or that she's not single. You see, single women are careful not to be too, too friendly to men they aren't interested in, because those actions = interest. Otherwise, it's misleading. Attached women can by our normal, friendly selves without that worry. I'd act just as friendly and have the same body language with a woman, with the husband of a friend, etc.

 

I agree with others here. Focus on the one YOU have interest in, and who does not seem to have a bf. Keep flirting with her. See if she encourages you. If she does, there is a strong chance she'd like you to ask her out.

 

Yeah, I see this. Available women tend to not be too friendly with men they're not interested in so that those men don't get the "wrong impression," but women in a relationship will flirt and be friendly because they can always say that they're in a relationship if a man makes a move. This is really frustrating, because if it's men's responsibility to make a move, then I think it's women's responsibility to accurately represent their availability, especially since some women get pretty upset when they get asked out by the wrong guy. I get it that not every woman is going to do this. As men, all we have to go on is our own interest in a woman and her signals of availability; but if she misrepresents her availability, then we're just left with out own feeling of interest, with nothing else to go on.

 

Well, I'll ask Woman 1 on a date. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I'll deal with it.

[xxoo]

Yeah, I see this. Available women tend to not be too friendly with men they're not interested in so that those men don't get the "wrong impression," but women in a relationship will flirt and be friendly because they can always say that they're in a relationship if a man makes a move. This is really frustrating, because if it's men's responsibility to make a move, then I think it's women's responsibility to accurately represent their availability, especially since some women get pretty upset when they get asked out by the wrong guy. I get it that not every woman is going to do this. As men, all we have to go on is our own interest in a woman and her signals of availability; but if she misrepresents her availability, then we're just left with out own feeling of interest, with nothing else to go on.

 

Well, I'll ask Woman 1 on a date. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I'll deal with it.

 

She's not misrepresenting her availability if you never asked and she's not necessarily flirting by being friendly. As I said, I'm friendly and smiley to men, women, and children alike. I would only reign in that friendliness if I were single and not wanting to send the wrong message to a single man.

 

It helps to have friends who will figure out if she's single for you. That's what most guys do in a school situation.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Yeah, I see this. Available women tend to not be too friendly with men they're not interested in so that those men don't get the "wrong impression," but women in a relationship will flirt and be friendly because they can always say that they're in a relationship if a man makes a move. This is really frustrating, because if it's men's responsibility to make a move, then I think it's women's responsibility to accurately represent their availability, especially since some women get pretty upset when they get asked out by the wrong guy. I get it that not every woman is going to do this. As men, all we have to go on is our own interest in a woman and her signals of availability; but if she misrepresents her availability, then we're just left with out own feeling of interest, with nothing else to go on.

 

Well, I'll ask Woman 1 on a date. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I'll deal with it.

 

Are you looking to hook up or are you looking for a LTR?

 

Because I can tell you that a lot of women your age aren't really looking for a LTR. It might actually be easier to try for hookups if that's what you want.

[Wave Rider]

She's not misrepresenting her availability if you never asked

 

I suppose that's true Though I would expect her to not get mad if I misread her signals. But I don't have much control over the actions of other people.

 

Are you looking to hook up or are you looking for a LTR?

 

Because I can tell you that a lot of women your age aren't really looking for a LTR. It might actually be easier to try for hookups if that's what you want.

 

At this point I don't have a lot of expectations anymore. I'd like a relationship, and that's what I'm looking for, but I've ended up being wrong so many times about what's good for me in terms of relationships and partner choice that I'm open to whatever new experiences will help me grow. I haven't really ever done the hookup thing, so maybe that would be good for me, depending on what the woman wanted. I'd like an LTR, but if I get interested in a woman who's only looking for a hookup - which would be a reversal of gender stereotypes - then maybe I should just go with it.