Would you go back to your ex in this situation?

[ctoga5555]

Please help me get my head screwed on straight —

 

I was married to a man I would consider my best friend for 15 years. We worked together — and had a lot in common. However, he did not make as much as I did — and while he was very good at his profession — he had no gumption to try to provide for our family in a better way.

 

I loved him but he just got so difficult to deal with. We did therapy and we just struggled because he (now) admits he was a love avoidant. He would make me dinners etc and promote me — encourage me but he was never the type to think of anything but our work — not much romance at all.

 

I kept trying to tell him SOMETHiNG had to change. He needed to grow up and act like he gave a damn about me… but he just couldn’t seem to do it.

 

We were doing “better” I guess — but he never went to work events with me — and I ended up having an emotional affair with a successful guy I met and that led me to finally divorce my ex.

 

We had talked about divorcing several times before. Mostly because he was so entitled. For example, I got a HUGE raise and he wanted me to take the job but he told me that I had to get my new employer to make it a package deal… which I always did - since we worked in the same profession. Well, they couldn’t make any promises…BUT I could support us and THEN SOME if he would just move and wait until the right opportunity came along. Well, I was able to get him a job offer within days but he said the hours weren’t perfect. I finally got mad and said TOO BAD — I’m moving with or without you. Lucky him — after a few days they gave him the job and hours he wanted….

 

But that was the kind of behavior I constantly dealt with.. Entitlement.

 

When I finally filed divorce he found out about the emotional affair and of course went nuts. He was devastated. He started trashing to all my co workers — he even called stores that I dealt with and said (erroneously) that my credit card was fraudulent — he threatened to find a way to get me into jail.. He was ruthless.

He told our elementary school child that Mommy cheated on daddy and didn’t love them anymore. He called ALL Of my family and said I’ve lost my mind…and of course his family and friends, too.

 

I was horrified. I went into a downward spiral and even lost my job because of it. I’ve gotten much better and since this has happened I apologized to him, He hasn’t done much apologizing to me…. however I have gotten a new business and have even gone to dinner with him a few times — but, the same guy still jumps out.

 

He literally texted me the other day about how he was having bowel problems and then mentioned his problems with a bunion. He’s 40 years old!! He just likes to complain - and that gets pretty old…

 

I am sorry for venting here — but my question is — could you ever see yourself reuniting with someone like this? We have our son and I get very sad for him because I know he is struggling with the divorce… and I like my ex as a friend and even think he’s decent looking….I just don’t know what to do.

 

I loved being a family. I don’t want to be single. I don’t like it at all —and the people I have met don’t seem to be able to replace my ex at all… I just need feedback.

 

He really tried to ruin me — would you be able to reunite with someone who does this?

[ctoga5555]

I am sorry for the double post -- thanks for putting this here.

 

Feedback is requested. thanks.

[Clep]

I am not seeing much that he has done wrong until he became vindictive about your affair.

 

I hear much too much emphasis on how much money he makes in comparison to you. I don't see any entitlement. He got his hours at work he wanted and obviously since they gave it to him they felt him valuable enough to do that. I am not sure what is wrong with that? He asked for the package deal with your work but since that didn't work out he took another job. I am not sure how you got him the job since he was probably the one to interview.

 

I see lots of finger pointing and not much self analysis. Maybe look at why finances matters so much to you if you guys aren't hurting for money?

 

You ended up having an affair because of your own issues, not his imho. People don't suddenly lose their personal value system because of another's behavior. There are much more productive ways to handle the situation than an affair. I don't hear any accountability in this post for your part at all in things.

 

You are not okay with him telling you about a bunion or bowel issues as it is complaining? Seriously?

 

If I were you I would start doing some personal development and focus on your responses and thought processes than you do on the other person.

[kendahke]

No. Not for all the money in the universe.

 

Granted, you should not have had an affair on him. You yanked your own moral high ground from up underneath yourself on that one. Should have divorced him first then found someone else.

 

Having said that--him putting your business in the street as he did would be more than enough to never, ever want to lay eyes on him except when absolutely necessary with regards to the child.

Edited July 11, 2016 by kendahke

[ctoga5555]

No he got the job "I" demanded he receive as part of the package deal. He just got lucky that my initial demand worked out for him. And no -- they didn't' even interview him!!! However, my boss knew his work from another employer so he just got very lucky..

 

I think i have taken a lot of the blame -- trust me. I think I might have been too nice in this post about my ex.

 

Maybe a better picture is this. Very little sex. He loved porn instead. I was facing a cancer diagnosis and he didn't even come to the doctor appointment with me.

when I had to have surgery -- I had to travel to get surgery and I had to go alone -- he said he had to work.

 

He would tell our child "if mommy gets that better job etc....maybe we will get that kind of mansion (he would point).... let's hope mommy gets the raise.

 

I was very lonely and I begged for therapy -- we went and he didn't like it... he didn't want to talk further to a therapist because it would draw out the problems. he doesn't like anyone focusing on problems.

 

If I wanted to talk about a problem - he would just shut down and never speak.

[kendahke]

No he got the job "I" demanded he receive as part of the package deal. He just got lucky that my initial demand worked out for him. And no -- they didn't' even interview him!!! However, my boss knew his work from another employer so he just got very lucky..

 

I think i have taken a lot of the blame -- trust me. I think I might have been too nice in this post about my ex.

 

Maybe a better picture is this. Very little sex. He loved porn instead. I was facing a cancer diagnosis and he didn't even come to the doctor appointment with me.

when I had to have surgery -- I had to travel to get surgery and I had to go alone -- he said he had to work.

 

He would tell our child "if mommy gets that better job etc....maybe we will get that kind of mansion (he would point).... let's hope mommy gets the raise.

 

I was very lonely and I begged for therapy -- we went and he didn't like it... he didn't want to talk further to a therapist because it would draw out the problems. he doesn't like anyone focusing on problems.

 

If I wanted to talk about a problem - he would just shut down and never speak.

 

So, having said all of this, why are you asking about reconciling with him?

[Clep]

No he got the job "I" demanded he receive as part of the package deal. He just got lucky that my initial demand worked out for him. And no -- they didn't' even interview him!!! However, my boss knew his work from another employer so he just got very lucky..

 

I think i have taken a lot of the blame -- trust me. I think I might have been too nice in this post about my ex.

 

Maybe a better picture is this. Very little sex. He loved porn instead. I was facing a cancer diagnosis and he didn't even come to the doctor appointment with me.

when I had to have surgery -- I had to travel to get surgery and I had to go alone -- he said he had to work.

 

He would tell our child "if mommy gets that better job etc....maybe we will get that kind of mansion (he would point).... let's hope mommy gets the raise.

 

I was very lonely and I begged for therapy -- we went and he didn't like it... he didn't want to talk further to a therapist because it would draw out the problems. he doesn't like anyone focusing on problems.

 

If I wanted to talk about a problem - he would just shut down and never speak.

 

Now we get information that aids very much. So he got the job through your connection. He puts work before his wife's health, communicates inappropriate expectations of you to your child and won't commit to therapy to resolve the issues.

 

After writing that why are you here asking this? You have to already know the answer to your question.

[oldshirt]

I think all of the things you mentioned are character and personality issues.

 

There for they are things he carries within him always.

 

And I think your priorities and your temperments are also a part of your character and personality.

 

So the way I see it, if you go back to him, you will go back to the same-ol' same-ol' because this is how you both are.

 

If you want to go back to the same-ol' same-ol' knock yourself out.

 

I don't know why you would think anything would be any different the second time around.

[TunaCat]

How is this even a QUESTION?

 

No, I wouldn't get back together with someone like this for all the money in the world.

 

I would also suggest you get your elementary school age kid some counseling to deal with both the inappropriateness of what Daddy said to them about you as well as the divorce as a whole.

[RocketQueen]

Not a chance. It is sad that your son is finding the divorce hard but it is a lesson in life that life isn't always perfect. Having your Ex as a friend is a much better life lesson for your son, seeing how adults can have a good relationship whether together or not.

 

The post actually reek of control battles. And the very fact you're asking whether or not to take him back shows me he had a lot more control in the relationship than it first appeared.

 

I wish you well in your life and think that the best option would be to stay apart and continue to be there for your children.

 

Good Luck xx