What is my ex thinking?

[JLynn88]

So I dated my ex for a year, I am proud to say that I finally reached a point where I pursued someone else last weekend, however it didn't work out. The point is though that I tried and was open to it which was a huge step.

 

The reason I was able to be open to it was an event that happened with my ex. I sent him a simple message with some things that I needed to say for closure on my end, that I had some guilt about. I did it not expecting or really even wanting a reply, but just felt that if I put them out on the table to him I'd be able to let go of the guilt.

 

This worked, I felt better and he didn't read it for a few days. Once he read it, it took him 8 hours to finally respond so I had given up worrying about him responding to it. However he did respond, saying he didn't really know what to say but wanted me to know that he still considered me a friend and he would always be there for me if I needed someone. I told him I appreciated that, but that I wasn't in a place where I wanted to talk to him, see him, be friends, etc. I explained briefly that I had just sent that for closure on my end and hadn't expected a response.

 

The he proceeded to ask me how my life has been the last few months, what I've been up to, etc. He clearly had ignored the whole don't want to talk to him/be friends, etc part, so I gave him brief positive answers, usually 1-2 words. Basically that I was ok and had been going out and doing new things and making new friends. He said that was good and then I never responded and it ended there.

 

Then a week later he randomly messages me asking if I would be open to teaching him how to do my hobby. I showed him how to do it when we were together, we did it a few times together. He has family members and other friends who do the same hobby, why ask me and not one of them? The only reason I can think of is that his girlfriend's grass is starting to seem browner than he thought and he's noticed that I've been watering mine quite nicely and wants to check that out again. Why else would he come up with a BS excuse to see me?

 

All he knew was the shell of the depressed girl I was when we were together, he's never really seen the "whole" me before.

 

I'm not longer depressed, lost weight, exercise a lot now, and I go out and have fun and do things all the time.

 

All he ever knew was me wanting to sit on the couch and watch tv when I wasn't working or doing my hobby. Could it be possible he's having second thoughts and tried to creep back in?

 

Friends say it looks like him and her have been fighting based on what they post on facebook, but I try to stay away from looking.

 

I told him no when he asked and he hasn't contacted me again in the last 2 weeks....

Edited July 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[basil67]

You told him "no" and he went away....so I guess it really doesn't matter what he's thinking.

[JLynn88]

Was I supposed to tell him ok when he's still with his girlfriend?

[Magicmountain]

OP, I sense that you retain a lot of sense information and then let it out in a single, uninterrupted block that is complex by its own making.

 

Listening is a vital tool in relationships. If I listen, I'm able to see patterns I would otherwise miss. Which is what I think the problem is with this guy you're interested in. By understanding another person's patterns, I become aware of where I should enter. My entrance completes an expression. This expression of energy is healthy and helps to regulate the energy in my body. My mind and body are not "muddied" by feelings which did not find a channel of expression.

 

Let this one go. But begin to ask yourself why you retain, why you store so much energy directed your way? Was it because you missed a cue to enter? Why was that? What could you do in the future to balance that?

 

This is a larger look at your problem.

[PegNosePete]

Was I supposed to tell him ok when he's still with his girlfriend?

No, you were supposed to tell him no, or even better not respond at all. What is to be gained? You already said you didn't want to be friends with him. Now you have to put your money where your mouth is.

 

It doesn't matter one sausage what he is thinking, your relationship is over, you've got your "closure", and you're not going to be friends. So you simply need to forget about what he's thinking and move on.

[JLynn88]

The point is if he's wanting to see me to see if he made the right choice or if there's still feelings there, I'm interested in that road. I want to get back together and if the opportunity is there, I want to take it. I don't wan't to put myself through being friend with someone I'm in love with, but if the chance of reconciliation was possible then I would do it

[RocketQueen]

Tread carefully.

 

You have said what a state you were in when you split, how you were a shadow of the person you are now. It is amazing that you have made so many positive changes and unless he was a total douche he will no doubt be pleased for you too.

 

You said you would like to get back with him given the chance, this contradicts your bright and breezy attitude.

 

I have been in the kind of place you seem to be in now- no longer feeling like your life is over, thinking you're actually getting over him- distance does this, it throws you into a false sense of security and you feel powerful.

 

The very fact you are questioning why he would want to know about your hobby tells me you're not as over it as you yourself think...I know because I have been there.

 

He may just want to know more about your hobby again- he may feel that it is safe to be friends with you now as you're so 'indifferent'about being friends with him.

 

I fear you will take 20 steps backwards by continuing contact at this time. If you're questioning every thing he says looking for meaning.

 

I would continue no contact or very limited contact and heal a bit further.

 

Sorry if this seems harsh, but I am a walking, talking example of what not to do...and I did exactly what you are considering. Think twice.

[JLynn88]

Oh I'm not over him at all, I'm still just as in love with him as I was when we were together. Probably love him even more now. I've just learned how to live with the hurt and not let it keep me on my couch eating ice cream. I'm happy with every part of my life except the romantic aspect. I've been friends with someone I was in love with, or thought I was in love with for 5 years. Wasn't until I met this ex that I realized I never loved the other guy and it was easy for me to walk away from that. My hobby is horseback riding, but he knows how to ride. I even bought him his own horse which I still have. There isn't much left to learn unless he wants to know more than just how to steer, go, and stop. No idea why he needs to since it was something he wanted to learn to do so we could do it together, why does he need to know now? He was interested in working things out until he started spending time with this current girlfriend. I think that her grass just isn't seeming as green anymore and he's wondering if there's still feelings between us & a chance to work things out before leaving his sure thing.

[Zahara]

He was dating you and seeing this woman behind your back. Now he's trying to chat you up while he's dating this other woman. Sounds like whenever he's bored or losing investment in a relationship, he looks for an available option to grab onto.

 

Best to move on. If a relationship drives you into depression and you become a shadow of yourself, chances are the same issues will resurface.

[JLynn88]

I was in the depression before we started dating, it wasn't him or the relationship that caused that. And I still have no proof that he was seeing her behind my back, its still very possible he didn't even know her until after the breakup. They weren't officially together until almost a month and a half after we ended things. That's enough time to meet someone and hang out and start dating

[Zahara]

I was in the depression before we started dating, it wasn't him or the relationship that caused that. And I still have no proof that he was seeing her behind my back, its still very possible he didn't even know her until after the breakup. They weren't officially together until almost a month and a half after we ended things. That's enough time to meet someone and hang out and start dating

 

I'm going to pull what I posted based on your other thread. I think you're making excuses. He's a liar and I bet my bottom dollar, a cheater. Everything out of his mouth had zero value. He bounced you like a ball.

 

A week after ending he's already talking to another woman. She was likely in the picture while you were in the picture. He goes from having you move in, then 3 weeks later a break-up, then he tells you not to lose hope and that he wasn't going to date anyone else (but a week in already talking to another woman?), and then days later he tells you to move on because he may not be back? A week into you both getting back together you find out he's still talking to this woman? A month later he's in a relationship with her.

 

This woman was in the picture all the while that's why he was flip flopping with you. He let you go as soon as he secured his position with her.

Edited July 12, 2016 by Zahara

[Zahara]

We talked about the breakup several times and each time I got a different answer as to why he felt like we couldn't work. Ranging from I don't want to go out enough:

 

- I didn't open up enough

- and the lovely "I love you, I'm just not in love with you" line.

 

A month after the breakup I found out that he was then in a relationship with this other girl, which then I told him to get his stuff and move out. When I asked why we couldn't have worked things out he said:

 

- Maybe there's something better out there for me."

 

And you still think about getting back with someone that said those words to you?

 

He didn't even tell you he was in a relationship. You had to find out and then kick him out of your home.

 

You're working on making changes in your life. Keep pushing forward. Improve your self-esteem. Aim higher. Create better standards for yourself.

[JLynn88]

He thought her grass was greener, now its probably not seeming so green. I did the exact same thing once when I was about a year younger than him. A lot of people do in their early 20s. When it comes to that I can't totally write him off for it bc I've done it before too. Yeah he screwed up our ending royally, but people have come back from much worse. I have friends who have gotten past cheating, physical abuse, and more and are happily together now. We tend to do stupid things when we're young, I think a lot of times guys are worse about it. I can use the same term, there probably is someone better out there for me. There's always better, but sometimes we throw away what we really need to look for something better. And who's to say that you'll actually find something better? He gave up someone who was there for him and pushed him to do better & would have done anything in the world for him for a girl who fights with him over stupid stuff and gets mad at him if he doesn't text back immediately, because shes a teenager. I've seen enough on her facebook and know enough about girls to spot crazy. When you have to constantly say its a joke chill out on your facebook posts bc your girlfriend is offended by them, that's not healthy

[Zahara]

I have friends who have gotten past cheating, physical abuse, and more and are happily together now.

 

As I said, aim higher. Compare to the best, not to the worst. Standards. Anyone that chooses to go back to cheaters and physical abusers aren't happily together. People that go back and those who are cheaters and abusers come from a place of dysfunction. Besides, just because your friends went back to cheaters and abusers, it doesn't justify you going back to a guy that disrespected you. Your situation is your own.

 

I can use the same term, there probably is someone better out there for me. There's always better, but sometimes we throw away what we really need to look for something better.

 

Where's your self-respect? Someone you love just spit in your face. Here you're trying to twist it to make it an acceptable statement that someone would say to a partner that is hurting? It's acceptable to tell someone that has spent a year with you, whom you know is in pain, whom you know still loves you that there's someone better out there to their face? What does that say about him that he had total disregard for your feelings? It's one thing to think it but to say it to the person who loves you?

 

IHe gave up someone who was there for him and pushed him to do better & would have done anything in the world for him for a girl who fights with him over stupid stuff and gets mad at him if he doesn't text back immediately, because shes a teenager. I've seen enough on her facebook and know enough about girls to spot crazy. When you have to constantly say its a joke chill out on your facebook posts bc your girlfriend is offended by them, that's not healthy

 

Projecting. Yes, you were all those things. Don't project the value you believe you have onto someone else. What's unhealthy is YOU stalking her FB, and having all this information about this woman. You seem to know a lot about what's going on their relationship. If you truly believe you want to improve yourself, as you mentioned in your old thread, then focus 100% on you, remove yourself from access into their life and move forward.

 

Good luck to you. You're going to do what you need/want to do. I hope it all works out for you in the long run.

Edited July 12, 2016 by Zahara