I'm a newlywed who Went off Mood Stabalizers had an week long affair

[ConfusedLady123]

Hi,

I know I've made the biggest mistake of my life, and I cannot believe how quickly it happened or how quickly I threw my life away. I am absolutely broken up (as I completely deserve) and not sure what to do next.

I got married six weeks ago to a man I'd been with for about five years. I love him, and although we'd had a rough relationship in the past, things had been good (not great, but good) for the past six months.

 

I had no inkling that I'd ever have an affair, I had never even looked another guy the whole time we'd been together. I've also never cheated before. I'm here to say it can happen to anyone, and you have to fight for your marriage every single day.

 

I have bipolar II disorder and we decided that I would go off of my medication so that I could get pregnant. (Mood stabilizers are not safe for pregnancy.) I have been extremely stable (finished a graduate degree and have a good job, do volunteer work, have good friends) for ten years and did not forsee myself having any trouble coming off the medication.

 

Two weeks off the medication, I started not sleeping and feeling very agitated. There was a lot of stress at home since were buying a house and did not agree on things or communicate well. I also became more in touch with my feelings. During this time, I met someone and immediately felt an attraction. Instead of running away from this, I decided to try to be his friend (stupid.) After one week, this guy kissed me. I told him no, and he did it again, then told me that we had chemistry and this was going to happen no matter if I liked it or not. I gave into my stupid body and let it happen. This day and the next. Alcohol was involved both times.

Next, we both freaked out- realized what we had done, felt awful, and agreed to stop speaking and seeing each other immediately (I still will have to see him occasionally because of work but only every couple months.) Honestly, I also feel sad that this man is not interested in me, but it is COMPLETELY for the best.

 

I told my husband after a few days. At first he said he wanted an annulment. Then, he said he would stay with me if I went back on my medication. I'm scared to stay with him in case this happens again. I feel as though he deserves someone with more self-control. I also don't know if our relationship is strong enough to save.

 

He is a wonderful, supportive man (he took care of me during a difficult physical illness) and I am so unhappy without him. However, I realize how extremely difficult it is for any marriage to heal after an affair. Our relationship was not perfect (he does not engage emotionally, works all the time, sleeps on his days off, we do not communicate well, and in the past would hit me if I made him angry) but he is a good man and has not hurt me in six months since we decided to get married.

 

I don't know if should stay with him and try to work through things or if I should leave so that he can find someone who is more appreciative of all the work and support he does, also maybe I could find someone (after spending a long time on my own figuring myself out) who I didn't have so much baggage with.

He has also now said that if we do stay together he will never touch me again or have children with me. That does not seem like a marriage- it seems like a hostage situation. I just have no perspective on this and am not sure what the next step to take is.

 

My friends say I should have left him long ago, when I found out about his pornography problem or when he first hit me (I always provoked him- I'm not playing a victim here) and this was my way to get out of a not-great situation once I was off the mood stabilizers and more in touch with my feelings. I am not sure- my behavior was completely uncharacteristic and I wonder if it was largely a symptom of going off medication.

 

I wonder if a separation is the way to go. I feel as though I need to work on my self-esteem and go to therapy so that I never end up in another situation like this (whether it's with him or someone else far down the line.)

 

Thank you for your advice and experience.

[ChickiePops]

Wait. He HIT you and you're blaming yourself for it?

 

Provocation or not, that is spousal abuse. Yes, leave him immediately, go back on your mood stabilizers, and find a real man..not a disgusting pig.

 

Your affair may turn out to be the best thing that's ever happened to you.

 

PS. If you have any proof whatsoever of his physical abuse, take it to the police immediately.

[RecentChange]

and in the past would hit me if I made him angry) .

 

This stopped me in my tracks. All the of the rest doesn't matter. You don't hit someone you love. Its abuse. He has abused you. You should get an annulment.

 

This relationship hasn't sounded healthy from the start - and not hitting for 6 months does not make a "good man".

 

My friends say I should have left him long ago, when I found out about his pornography problem or when he first hit me

 

Your friends were RIGHT. Listen to them, they had your best interest in mind.

 

PLEASE do not get pregnant!

Edited July 11, 2016 by RecentChange

[ChickiePops]

Can I also say, as gently as possible, that perhaps you should consider adoption or surrogacy (though not with this horrible man) rather than pregnancy? If going off mood stabilizers affects you enough to have an affair after 6 weeks of marriage, can you imagine the affect that pregnancy hormones and postpartum will have on you?

 

Have you spoken to your doctors about this? Are you in therapy?

[stillafool]

Yes you should have left him when he first hit you.

 

Reading your post I have to wonder if you really love your husband. You say you wished the other guy were interested in you which makes me think your heart is still with him. It was awfully conveinient for him to get a conscience after you two had sex. I think your affair made you realize that you need and want passion in your life and are not ready to go back to things the way they were in your marriage. You want to leave and you should just be honest with yourself and your husband and tell him so.

[Tayla]

I must have different set of reading comprehension. He harmed her years prior to them saying I do. I took it that he adjusted that behavior.

 

Not in all my years have a heard of someone under a doctors guidance go cold turkey from this type of medication. The doctors ween them.

 

As to the tryst, it was two adults. neither stable.

 

The husband is free to make some ground rules. We often tell the betrayed spouse to set them. His are a knee jerk reaction and certainly warranted.

 

The Op is best to get entered into a program that centers her. She is definitely using her diagnosis and Meds as reasons to behave erratically with an affair.

 

He may have done harm ( unverified) five years ago. so now her emotional betrayal is a nice way to call it even... How sad for anyone...

 

Get to a doctor and start a program.

[Mr. Lucky]

Our relationship was not perfect (he does not engage emotionally, works all the time, sleeps on his days off, we do not communicate well, and in the past would hit me if I made him angry)

My friends say I should have left him long ago, when I found out about his pornography problem or when he first hit me (I always provoked him- I'm not playing a victim here)

 

Doesn't sound like either of you are well-matched or ready for marriage. I'm not sure why you thought a wedding would have been a solution to this laundry list of problems, they would stop most women dead in their tracks.

 

I'd accept his offer of annulment...

 

Mr. Lucky

[katielee]

Hi,

(he does not engage emotionally, works all the time, sleeps on his days off, we do not communicate well, and in the past would hit me if I made him angry)

 

My friends say I should have left him long ago, when I found out about his pornography problem or when he first hit me (I always provoked him- I'm not playing a victim here).

 

Leave.

Figure out why you are willing to have a child with someone who physically abuses you.

Figure out why you think YOU are the cause of him hitting you. Were you abused as a child?

And figure out WHY you married this guy.

[ConfusedLady123]

Hind-sight is 20/20... These things happened over so long that they all became OK- nobody is perfect- and I do think that he has been actively trying to improve his behavior. Writing this down made me realize exactly how many problems there were. Extremely depressing, and you are right- looking at it on paper I'm not sure why we thought a marriage would be good either, except that I wanted children and am 33 and we had been together for a long while, and been through a lot.

 

(Yes I will DEFINITELY be considering adoption now. I wanted to try the natural way and apparently it's not for me... I haven't had any episodes for ten years, and I didn't see this coming.) I weaned off one medication over the past year under my doctor's guidance. Unfortunately my insurance changed and I couldn't see the doctor to help me wean off the other one- so I did it in two weeks which, apparently, was too fast. Have an appointment to go back to my dr. next week.

 

As for the violence, I really think he is trying hard to change. Hasn't been violent in 6 months. But maybe in some way, when reality set in and we were talking about moving again (both times we moved ended up with choking) I subconsciously got scared and did something really messed up to avoid any possibility. Not mature. Not right.

 

I do not want to use the lack of meds as an excuse for my behavior. It was selfish, immature, impulsive, and hurtful. I think I would have had better self control if I was on them though. Still, *clearly* need therapy/community and time alone to figure out what I actually want/need/deserve. AND to figure out how to control myself better in the future.

 

It's all so strange. I'm a professional and respected in my community- I don't think anyone would ever imagine this was going on behind the scenes for me. I must have tricked myself into thinking I was much more stable than I really was because I keep it together very well on the outside.

 

Yes, I've had a lot of abuse in my life and have spent TONS of time in therapy/support groups. I haven't been in therapy for several years though- thought I was better, and now I see that one thing after another just kept becoming OK until all of the sudden *nothing is OK.* The benefits of regular moral inventory are abundantly clear now...

 

Thanks for your thoughts everyone, it seems like a separation or annulment is the way to go. Much easier said than done though.

Edited July 12, 2016 by ConfusedLady123

[Mr. Lucky]

As for the violence, I really think he is trying hard to change. Hasn't been violent in 6 months.

 

ConfusedLady123, that's a pretty low bar. For example, an addict with 6 months sobriety is just starting on the road to recovery.

 

To me, if he was "trying hard to change", it would look like this -

 

- he'd be letting you know how wrong his behavior has been

- he'd be in therapy for the underlying issues

- he'd be seeking support in a group setting

- he'd be discussing with you better strategies for conflict resolution

- he'd be considering meds for his anger and anxiety

 

Is he doing any of this ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cephalopod]

I must throw in my hat with the others that I don't like the idea that you might be endangered by living in a potentially abusive relationship. The past abuse in and of itself is not always necessarily a reason to jump to divorce.

 

Did he hit you when you told him about the affair? If he did not then that is telling. It may show that he has developed some skills towards controlling his urges to abuse.

 

When he has struck you in the past, was it out of anger, or to control you? Reason I ask, is that if the two of you address your individual issues, you might be able to make it through this. Abusers can and have redeemed themselves through counseling and therapy. People with bi-polar can lead normal lives once they get on a medication that works for them.

 

I do not advocate throwing in the towel just yet. But you need to ask yourself if you really and truly love this man, and not just in a needy, codependent way. So far your marriage has been extremely unhealthy. It may indeed not be worth saving, but you and your husband need to do a lot of talking to see if you are both willing to put ion the work to change your mutually destructive behaviors.

[harrybrown]

So how would you feel if he had an A?

 

problems with meds does not make it ok.

 

His behavior is not ok.

 

Your behavior is not ok.

 

Get the D, stay on your meds and do not go off your meds.

 

Do not get married, if you can have an A in 6 weeks.

 

Does not sound like either of you are marriage material.

 

D and get individual counseling.

 

And get far away from your STX. Your A will make him very angry.

 

Did you get tested for stds? I hope so.

[Amy4663]

Hi ,

After reading your post it sounds as if you are going through a very difficult and complicated situation. I am so sorry. It sounds as if both you and your husband have some things to figure our regarding your health, the cheating and the abuse in your relationship. Have you considered seeking out counseling? Maybe through couples counseling you could find some solutions and create a happy and stable environment. However, I agree with you that working on your own health and self-esteem is very important. If you need assistance finding a local place, or want to speak to a licensed counselor you can discuss your situation with a Focus counselor at no cost to you by calling 855-382-5433. I am praying that you and your husband are able to find a solution.

[spanz1]

Can I also say, as gently as possible, that perhaps you should consider adoption or surrogacy (though not with this horrible man) rather than pregnancy? If going off mood stabilizers affects you enough to have an affair after 6 weeks of marriage, can you imagine the affect that pregnancy hormones and postpartum will have on you?

 

Have you spoken to your doctors about this? Are you in therapy?

 

 

 

I would go a little farther, and suggest that bringing a child into this tenuous relationship is probably a very bad idea. It will NOT help the relationship, only stress it more.

 

 

So stop trying to get pregnant. go back on the meds. Find a good marriage counselor for the both of you and try to work things out. You have 5 years with this man....I would not throw that away without some serious effort to save it.

 

 

OBVIOUSLY him never touching you again for sex is not going to work for you. But he was probably just hurt and lashing out at you when he said that. COUNSELING will tell if he can forgive you. And there WILL be heavy lifting on your part to prove that you love him and are worthy of forgiving. this will take a lot of time and effort.

[anika99]

I must have different set of reading comprehension. He harmed her years prior to them saying I do. I took it that he adjusted that behavior.

 

Not in all my years have a heard of someone under a doctors guidance go cold turkey from this type of medication. The doctors ween them.

 

As to the tryst, it was two adults. neither stable.

 

The husband is free to make some ground rules. We often tell the betrayed spouse to set them. His are a knee jerk reaction and certainly warranted.

 

The Op is best to get entered into a program that centers her. She is definitely using her diagnosis and Meds as reasons to behave erratically with an affair.

 

He may have done harm ( unverified) five years ago. so now her emotional betrayal is a nice way to call it even... How sad for anyone...

 

Get to a doctor and start a program.

 

It's only been six months since he hit her. He was hitting her right up until they decided to get married 6 months ago. Anyone can be on good behaviour for 6 months. I think he refrained from hitting her just so that he could get her to marry him and they have only been married for 6 weeks.

Edited July 22, 2016 by anika99
spelling

[merrmeade]

The FIRST time he hit you?

 

Of course, by now you realize what this does to people. Nothing else you talked about matters now. People don't go on listening or thinking about anything else once you say it. It's like - we're following this narrative, visualizing and connecting scenes as you describe, but when you get to "first time he hit me," the camera shudders, stops and static takes over.

 

And it should be that way, of course.. Nothing justifies violence. Nothing. There's no other story. You can't bring an child into that kind of volatility either.

 

Too many problems to fix here.

[merrmeade]

But just one more thing because "too many problems to fix here" probably sounds quite discouraging. But put the emphasis on "here." This isn't the place for problems such as the bipoloar 2 issues and going off/on meds. Nobody in an anonymous online forum has any business advising you either about anything to do with that.