Is it worth it?

[LoveLost1020]

Me and my ex gf were together for 10 months until we "mutually" agreed to give each other space recently. We had a decent relationship. Not the greatest but not horrible either. Very early on in our relationship, we weren't fully committed to each other 100% and were still playing the field in which we agreed to not do anymore if we were going to make this work. We had minor relationship issues as well as not enough romance, her being clingy, etc. but nothing that could not be salvaged or worked on. I've never cheated on her and she's never cheated on me. I eventually moved a few hours away for work related reasons and we seemed to make our relationship work albeit our relationship was very fresh. She would visit me on weekends and vice versa until I picked up a side job that required weekends. Nonetheless, we still managed to talk every day and said we could do it. Fast forward to April. We got into a physical altercation over an argument after we went out together. I by no means punched her or anything of that nature but she punched me numerous times in which caused me to restrain her and ended up pushing her to the bed a few times. Something I am still haunted by today because I've been in two other relationships and I've never ever placed my hand on any woman. Long story short, it was a bad physical fight that night. Also keep in mind this is not the first time this has happened between us. At least three other times but I never put my hands on her when she did to me because I was raised to never strike a woman and I couldn't fathom doing so.

 

So after that dreadful night, I agreed we needed to take a break because I'm not the violent type and I was afraid this would happen again and was worried that it could possibly get worse. I went back to my town in which I was working and we maintained contact of course and talked like we were together although we were on a break. I now move back to my hometown for a new job and we are of course still "working" on us. She would ask me to get back together a few times although I never knew when she was serious or not because she has a playful demeanor at times. I would reply that I believe we still need to just take it day-by-day because as I've said, that night was one of the worst nights of my life. She said she would never place her hands on me but I think we just needed to take time to reflect and make personal changes to ourselves before jumping into a relationship again.

 

We're still hanging out but not as often because I'm hoping giving each other a bit of space will make us start to miss each other a bit more but now I'm noticing that she's not "engaged" as much. Her texts are bland and she doesn't really seem to care about keeping a conversation anymore. One day, I get into an argument with my mother and angrily and very emotionally tell her that she doesn't seem interested in us anymore and that we should basically stop talking. She agrees and we end up not talking for a week. She texts me the following Sunday "thinkin of you". And I text her back saying "I miss you" and we agree to see each other that night. We also see each other the night after as well. I’m thinking maybe that week was for the best. Wrong. Here's where **** hits the fan: So the next day is the night before her birthday. I'm texting her before I play basketball to see if she's doing anything for it and her texts seem "off". She's very short and unengaged in the conversation and very dismissive of my texts. I want to surprise her so I call her because I'm outside her house and she doesn't pick up which is strange because her phone is always glued to her hand. Anyways, I am still outside her home and I'm writing one hell of a text describing how she seems off to me even still. As I am doing so, a car pulls up and she lets another guy into her house. My heart just drops. Drops. I tell her that I see her let the guy in and no response. At this point, I am RAGING. I send her texts calling her fony, don’t speak to my family ever again, etc. Even went to Facebook to drop a subliminal line which is COMPLETELY out of my character. I basically hated her for the next 48 hours. Intoxicated (don't drink and Drake), I call her the next day to talk and she is just cold. Not remorseful of her actions and basically is just telling me she's single and can do as she pleases in which I can't comprehend at the time because she's never spoken to me like this. Pride fully (and stupidly), I've acted as if I didn't care about us sometimes when we got into arguments. Her reciprocating my very actions upon me was enough to make me not ever want to act like that to someone ever again. I can honestly say I will do that again because experiencing it firsthand caused me to tear up like a baby. Most hurtful thing I've ever experienced.

 

Anyways, so I am somewhat done hating her guts. I cool off and I ask if we can talk again. She basically tells me that she wants to explore her options but she also wants to keep me around as well. My first reaction is hell no simply because I know how she strung her ex along forever because she knew he would always be there although she didn't want him. I decline and tell her if she wants to "have fun", go do it but I will not be in her life as she does so. I could not understand why she would want me in her life while she does her own thing. Etc. I declined her offering because she did this very thing to her ex bf (still maybe doing it since we haven't been together officially since April). From what she has told me from her past relationship, she finds a rebound or temporary guy quickly when she's not happy in her current situation. But in my eyes, this guy has been in the picture since she brought in her birthday with him instead of me right? She also has seem to convince herself that the demise of our relationship was my fault. She said she couldn't believe she stayed with me for that long without any romance. Hurting like hell and giving in, I agree to be friends as she explores her options and she's okay with it as long as any lines aren't crossed (me asking about her relationship life basically and vice versa). Desperately, I asked if we could walk and talk because I'm clinging on to whatever is still left of her. We hung out last week and it was pretty awkward to say the least. We walked around her neighborhood and talked but you can tell when the conversation seems "forced" almost. I asked her if she'd like to go to the movies this week upon her return from vacation and she responded "we'll see". I'm messaging her that night on Facebook because I've blocked her from everything completely and I ask have I lost her. She responds she doesn't see us getting back together but can't tell what the future may hold. I ask her is it worth me honestly trying to get her back and she responds that she thinks we need time apart because she doesn't want me wasting my time attempting to get her back but also can't say that my efforts will be considered in helping us get back together.

 

In my heart, I feel like she's gone so I agree to give her space and block her on Facebook. It's been almost a week since that day and every day I feel more and more hurt because part of me wants to really try and win her back but my mind is telling me that our relationship has concluded and she’s moved on. I don't know what to do anymore. Her best friend just got engaged a month ago (mind you I was by her side when the news broke) and her cousin is getting married next month and I can’t help to over analyze and think this is a leading factor as well. Can anyone give me a suggestion on what to do? I am feeling real guilt because I feel like she tried to get me back when I ended things after the fight, but I was never this cold towards her nor did I have anyone else in my life nor did I ever say we would never get back together. I guess I'm afraid my that efforts will be for nothing and that will hurt the most. Even though she says she hasn't lost interest, it's almost as if she doesn't care about me anymore and it's a crappy feeling to have. I am going full NC but it's not easy and I'm hoping this can lead us back together because I really love her.

 

Thank you to anyone who has read this.

Sorry for the novel :/

Edited July 12, 2016 by LoveLost1020

[Jersey born raised]

You have been posting here since 2012 in a hit and gone mode. Perhaps you should stay on this thread and try to figure out who you are and what you want.

 

Your current exGF while you might want her, she is not healthy enough for a real relationship.

 

It seems like she lead you on and is using you as a Plan B or Plan C.