Sex with BS post affair

[DKT3]

Only you can answer if you're inventing the problems to justify the affair. On the whole, to say that's what everybody does as some sort of coping mechanism is clearly false. There are plenty of folks who have affairs who have troubled marriages before the affair ever started. One could argue the very affair itself is a sign that something in the marriage is flawed or suffering as there are plenty of people who will say they think happily married people don't have affairs.

 

As for the sex issue... I'm not sure there is an easy answer. After my affair, I had sex with my husband exactly once and couldn't cope with it. That experience was one of the worst of my life. I started sleeping on the couch and that was it. I knew for certain we had no future.

 

My AP also did what it sounds like you're doing... "Well, I said I'd stay and this is what you do when you are married." He also didn't enjoy it, to say the least. And the more she felt him slipping away sexually, the more she wanted it. So the worse and more detached he felt.

 

I don't know how you overcome things when you get to that point. I didn't and ultimately, he didn't either... Though of forced to he would have kept trying because... That's what you do. I'm not sure if that would have worked or not, but I know it wasn't fun or a good feeling to have.

 

Yes, those people leave the marriage In very short order once the affair starts, exist affairs are short. However most in affairs are not intending to leave, which is why the affair extends 2 years 5 years and so on.

 

Not giving up the idea of the other person is why you can't connect with your spouse. It's the whole spend it all save it all. You simply can't do both.

[paradoxx]

Without going into too much detail, what is it that your AP was giving you? In other words, what is it that your husband is lacking in the bedroom. Could it be that it was just a "different" situation, altogether.

 

In your previous thread, you mentioned that OM was younger- could that have something to do with it? Were you two doing things you and your husband weren't? What was the age difference, exactly?

 

Age may have something to do with it. MM is 10 yrs younger and H seems to be getting older faster than me in many ways. But, it's mainly that physically everything just fits better and seems like we're more in sync. With H I often have to redirect or slow things down, and after a decade it gets frustrating to have to still direct things. It just seems like (as with much of our relationship) I've had to get used to his way and learn to accept it. I got tired of that. And now I can't forget it.

 

Now here's where I don't want to mislead...H is not a bad lover. He is very attentive (more than MM). So, part of me feels like I'm rewriting at least our sexual history. I just feel like he isn't quite right for me.

 

I feel terrible writing this. How am I going to get back on track?

[lftbehind]

I am so sorry to any BS who is offended by this.

 

I need help from any MOW/MOM who have decided to stay with their BS.

I feel horrible struggling with this. I desperately want to feel like I'm back in my marriage, but am having trouble enjoying sex without fantasizing about my AP.

 

Has anyone else struggled with this and how did you deal with it?

 

I've been nc for 3 weeks with no DDay.

 

I'm going through the same thing. The sex with my husband has not been good for a while and we don't have much physical contact. I don't necessarily miss my AP, but I miss the good sexual feelings. It is a real problem and I feel like if I stay in my marriage I'll have to settle for a sexless existence.

[elaine567]

 

Now here's where I don't want to mislead...H is not a bad lover. He is very attentive (more than MM). So, part of me feels like I'm rewriting at least our sexual history. I just feel like he isn't quite right for me.

 

 

He could be the best lover on the planet, but that would not matter, as you don't want him sexually. You are not staying in this marriage because you desire your husband, are you?

 

You are comparing him unfavourably with the AP and I am not sure how you can get over that.

The AP sex will be like James Dean, it will never get old and boring. It will be always be that fantastic sex with that great guy. Your husband has no chance of living up to that.

Your husband is tried and tested, you know everything about him, there are no surprises, nothing new and even if he completely changed his routine tomorrow, you would not be impressed anyway.

You have not split up with someone to move onto a fresh new partner, you have split up with someone to go back to the same old, same old.

The excitement is just not there.

 

The other big problem you have is that basically you resent him for not being someone else.

[Poppy47]

I'm going through the same thing. The sex with my husband has not been good for a while and we don't have much physical contact. I don't necessarily miss my AP, but I miss the good sexual feelings. It is a real problem and I feel like if I stay in my marriage I'll have to settle for a sexless existence.

 

I was a single OW. I miss the sex with xMM but I ended it rather than stay in a relationship with endless ups and downs.

 

If I have a sexless existence, I consider it to be the better option.

 

Poppy.

[wmacbride]

I really want this to be the case. I've brought this up in IC thinking that maybe I've "rewritten history". If that was the case I'd hope to be able to remember what I felt before and get my marriage back on track.

 

Every time I try to minimize my unhappiness and blame the affair I'm told that the affair was my attempt to band aid the marriage and not the source of problem. That's not to say that it isn't a problem of course, and I fear that it could be the destruction of my marriage.

 

So, am I rewriting history/ creating the problem? Or was the problem there and I just refused to admit it to myself instead trying to cope on my own?

 

This sounds defensive, I dont mean it to though. I've been told such strong words about the state of my marriage to the point where I actually worry that Im miscommunicated something. So, LS community, what do you think? Am I inventing problems to justify the affair?

 

 

FWIW, I think you know how you feel and you don't need anyone, be it strangers on the internet or even a MC/IC telling you how you feel.

 

What do you think about the situation? Once you clear away all the static from everyone else, what is your opinion?

 

Trust yourself. It sounds like you know the truth already.

[paradoxx]

 

The other big problem you have is that basically you resent him for not being someone else.

 

Yes. And i feel worse about that actually than the affair.

[Lady Hamilton]

Yes, those people leave the marriage In very short order once the affair starts, exist affairs are short. However most in affairs are not intending to leave, which is why the affair extends 2 years 5 years and so on.

 

Not giving up the idea of the other person is why you can't connect with your spouse. It's the whole spend it all save it all. You simply can't do both.

 

There is no universal affair playbook. My affair started with the understanding we wouldn't end our marriages, then it changed. Plenty of people don't know if it's an exit affair until after it happens. Some start as exit affairs but they end up staying. A large number of them happen with no forethought to an end game, staying or leaving.

 

It's simply misleading to make these blanket statements like "exit affairs are short" or "most affairs don't intend on leaving." You don't know. Often they don't even know what they want.

 

As for why I couldn't connect with my spouse, it had nothing to do with not giving up the idea of my AP. It had to do with not having it in me to fake an intimacy I didn't feel.

 

This is the danger in blanket statements and playing expert in others lives... It takes relatively little to prove that there is no cookie cutter answer to what happens in personal dynamics.

[Lobe]

So, my WH discovered that he was into BDSM with his xOW. When he was in the affair fog, he tried having rough sex with me, but it was non-consensual and I still feel very angry and violated. I wonder now if it's because he was fantasizing about her. All I can say is, ew... But I digress... lol It is wholly unfair to compare your spouse or relationship with your spouse to that with anything involving your AP - as someone else said, he didn't even know he was in a competition. If he did, he might make other choices, including setting YOU free. Can I ask why you haven't shared with your WH that you've had an affair?

 

It may be that you have invented problems in the marriage or it may be that you magnified problems in the marriage that weren't a big deal until the affair, but that all becomes irrelevant so long as you are still thinking about your xAP. Often, d-day is the catalyst for making a drastic about-face - for those who are truly remorseful and not narcissistic *ssholes, there is something about seeing the pain and devastation on your BS's face that makes the affair bubble extremely difficult to keep from popping. According to my WH, he had no idea how much of a mythical demon he and the xOW had made me into in their Fantasyland until months after d-day. To this day whenever he starts a sentence with, "Well, you never..." I just tap my foot and wait for him to weigh whether or not he should continue with the sentence.

 

I'm a firm believer that every one of us is capable of having an affair in a vulnerable state - there's a perfect storm for each of us. Only you know if the affair was a symptom of an unhappy marriage or an opportunity that arose strictly out of convenience in a moment of boredom in your marriage. How do you get back on track? There's a saying that sometimes when you feel like you are not getting enough out of a relationship, it's because you aren't giving enough. If you want your marriage to survive, maybe the correct course of action is you work your ass off - whatever you think you're not receiving in your marriage, try giving. You want more adventurous sex? Try initiating that. You want more intimacy and honest conversations? Try sharing some of the things you are the most afraid to talk about with your husband.

 

There are lots of tutorials and board games and toys you can use to heighten and change up your sex life with hubby - just Google it. Warning: click on the links for articles in women's magazines or marriage help sites and such if you want reviews and shopping guides and not just porn. They have some books and cue cards at Chapters if you're too shy to hit the sex shop. Copy and paste this into your browser for one such article: badgirlsbible.com/sex-games-for-couples. There's also this: nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html?_r=0 which is based on research by psychologist Arthur Aron The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings

 

And, in all honesty, "How do I pop my affair bubble without a d-day?" is maybe a better question. I'm all about writing letters and I am a firm believer that being a mentor makes you more of a student than teacher. Write a letter to your BFF or your sister or your favourite cousin giving her advice if she was in the exact same position. Tell her what you would do, how you feel about her actions, how you think her actions are impacting her spouse, what she can do to help herself. Sometimes, a little spin in your perspective is all it takes to set you back on course.

 

Good luck!

[dreamingoftigers]

It is a reaction to being betrayed, it is all part of the "pick me" dance. It says "I am just as good as your OW/OM..." . "I need you to want ME", "You are MINE, I claim you", "I need the comfort" "I need the reassurance"

 

The WS may play along, but as in this case, may indeed be fantasizing about the AP at the same time.

 

I didn't find that AT ALL.

 

HB Was a physiological reaction brought on by the trauma.

 

I couldn't believe how much I wanted sex. I mean, I had a high libidio to begin with but it was crazy.

 

I think it is purely instinctual. I felt pretty disgusted with myself for wanting to repeatedly screw the same guy I wanted to kick to the curb and divorce.

 

So much about being betrayed awoke something deeply primal in me.

 

Oddly enough I couldn't have cared less if he "picked me." It would have been far easier if he didn't. But I definitely craved the sex.

 

Have you ever been through HB?

[Sabella]

FWIW, I think you know how you feel and you don't need anyone, be it strangers on the internet or even a MC/IC telling you how you feel.

 

What do you think about the situation? Once you clear away all the static from everyone else, what is your opinion?

 

Trust yourself. It sounds like you know the truth already.

 

I totally agree with this and there are no blanket statements from us on the internet, that will capture and confirm all you are feeling and dealing with. You are going to be able to sort this out once you are more past the A fog. I say "more" past because it will sneak up on you for a while.

 

There are issues in you M that led to you having an affair, have you looked at those closely during IC?

 

It's certainly not fair to compare H to exAp, but kind of unavoidable to some degree. You were missing something in your M that had you finding it elsewhere, for good or bad. Examine those things, the real issues. Can you live with those issue? Can you and H work to get past or improve those issues? Sex is very much tied to intimacy for me and most women. If you haven't worked past or dealt with primary problems, feeling sexy and wanting sex just ain't gonna be good imho.

 

I know it's scary and a lot is swirling around in your head right now. You are working to sort it out, and you are on the right path. I'm cheering for you and thinking of you.

Edited July 13, 2016 by Sabella

[Lobe]

I think it is purely instinctual. I felt pretty disgusted with myself for wanting to repeatedly screw the same guy I wanted to kick to the curb and divorce.

 

So much about being betrayed awoke something deeply primal in me.

 

Oddly enough I couldn't have cared less if he "picked me." It would have been far easier if he didn't. But I definitely craved the sex.

 

Have you ever been through HB?

 

This was true for us too. PRIMAL is the right word - I felt like I needed to pee on my territory. It was angry, raw, completely unhinged. It felt psychotic and counterintuitive and was both the best and worst sex I've ever had in my life.

[DKT3]

What I find very interesting is so many WS don't want to or aren't willing to address the personal issues that they have/created in the marriage.

 

I was in the same marriage as my wife, I was lonely as hell also but I didn't cheat. I could write a list of issues I had that would have been very comparable to hers, but I didn't cheat. Bottom line is my wife along with every other person that goes outside of their primary relationship to find what's missing has a flaw in the way they think, the wY they deal with issues. That same flaw that allowed them to enter into an affair is the same issues that make recommitting back into the marriage difficult.

 

At the end if the day if you (WS or BS) think that only if THEY can fix their issues the marriage will be ok is setting themselves up to fail.

 

Saying issues in the marriage is/was the catalyst for the affair is cheap and disingenuous. If that were the case there would be 100% infidelity in 100% of marriages.

 

It's a personal issue that allows one to enter into and maintain an affair. Blaming the spouse and/or the marriage is weak and a flaw all in itself. If there is a issue fix it or move on , getting involved with someone else doesn't help.

[Lobe]

Bottom line is my wife along with every other person that goes outside of their primary relationship to find what's missing has a flaw in the way they think, the wY they deal with issues. That same flaw that allowed them to enter into an affair is the same issues that make recommitting back into the marriage difficult.If there is a issue fix it or move on , getting involved with someone else doesn't help.

 

This is SO true! In my case, my WH is conflict avoidant. In fact, when is xOW started making demands and suggesting she didn't like being a second option, instead of fighting with her he would put just her on ignore until she apologized and gave him sex.

[Lady Hamilton]

What I find very interesting is so many WS don't want to or aren't willing to address the personal issues that they have/created in the marriage.

 

In my marriage I was fully aware of what contributed to the problems that were my fault. My AP wasn't, but that's simply because she was and is an abuser and everything he did was wrong.

 

On the flip side, the argument can be made that the BS doesn't always sit back and address the issues they have created in the marriage that may have led to the fracturing of the relationship and thus the affair.

 

I was in the same marriage as my wife, I was lonely as hell also but I didn't cheat. I could write a list of issues I had that would have been very comparable to hers, but I didn't cheat. Bottom line is my wife along with every other person that goes outside of their primary relationship to find what's missing has a flaw in the way they think, the wY they deal with issues. That same flaw that allowed them to enter into an affair is the same issues that make recommitting back into the marriage difficult.

 

Except for, of course, those who don't go out and seek an affair and yet find themselves in one. There was at no point during our worst in the marriage did I think to myself "I think I'll have an affair today."

 

Which again, illustrates the dangers in using blanket statements to announce what is and isn't how things go in something as personal as human relationships.

 

To write off everybody who has an affair as mentally flawed sounds more like the coping technique of a BS than a true and insightful analysis of affairs.

 

At the end if the day if you (WS or BS) think that only if THEY can fix their issues the marriage will be ok is setting themselves up to fail.

 

Saying issues in the marriage is/was the catalyst for the affair is cheap and disingenuous. If that were the case there would be 100% infidelity in 100% of marriages.

 

It's just as disingenuous as saying that affairs are carried out by mentally flawed people who don't really have marital issues, but they create them after-the-fact to justify their actions.

 

Admitting that marital issues may contribute is just a reality, and it doesn't mean that now means 100% of marriages would have infidelity issues, just like saying people with marital issues get divorced, therefore 100% of marriages end in divorce. It's just a fact of life... Marital problems may exist that contribute to somebody having an affair.

 

My first husband and I had huge marital issues. I never once woke up and said "This sucks, I'm going out and having an affair." What did happen was that Inlived in a state of prolonged misery and unhappiness with him and our relationship, and when a person who was a great friend came along, I welcomed him into my life, hoping that friendship would make life more bearable. And it did, until we had an affair, then it didn't... Then it made things worse until I left my husband.

 

What made reinvesting back into the marriage difficult wasn't the affair, it was no longer being satisfied in the miserable marriage I was in. Is not like Inleft to be with OM. I left to live in an apartment I couldn't afford in a place I didn't like with no money to support myself and an OM who was, at that point, trying to R.

 

These situations are highly individualistic. You pull out this broad brush and try to paint it all in generalizations, but that's not how this issue works.

 

It's a personal issue that allows one to enter into and maintain an affair. Blaming the spouse and/or the marriage is weak and a flaw all in itself. If there is a issue fix it or move on , getting involved with someone else doesn't help.

 

Except, of course, the marriage being weak and/or issues with the spouse is what can be a factor.

 

If my husband hadn't suddenly decided he didn't want kids, I wouldn't have fallen into a deep hole of depression and resentment, and he wouldn't have just expected me to just "get over it." That wouldn't have led me to question if he understood how important to me it was and how impossible "just get over it" was. Our marriage wouldn't have been a shambles of dictated changes, hurt feelings, non-communication, and avoidance. Then later escapism and debt.

 

I get why a serious evaluation of the circumstances behind an affair is hard... It seems for many BS, the ability to stand on the moral high ground and dictate from on high what awful things their WS did to them for no reason whatsoever beyond problems that were all the BS's. And my ex even tried the "I knew we had problems and I wasn't happy but I didn't cheat and you did." And it showed me he just didn't get it. He really didn't. And he didn't want to, he just wanted to claim a false high ground because he didn't cheat and I was the bad one who did.

 

The most honest point in our whole marriage, and thenpoint which temped us both into R, came when he actually stopped with all that was wrong with me because I cheated and the selfishness that comes in co-opting it as the reason for everything going bad and him being so great while I wasn't. When he sat down with a list and said "I finally get it." And he did. That going from wanting a big family to unilaterally deciding he wanted no family was devastating. That when I said I didn't feel like a part of his life as I should be, he could see how I felt that way. How he put unrealistic expectations on himself and the marriage that made him hard to please and left me feeling confused and isolated a lot.

 

When he finally got it is when I felt a weight fall off my shoulders. Years of being told I was wrong and seeing him say I was irrational... Basically, years of being almost gaslit, were acknowledged.

 

An affair, the choice to have it, is 100% on the person who crosses the line. I chose to not say "no" when I realized we were crossing lines. The circumstances that led to it via our awful marriage? That wasn't all me. He had a shovel and dig that hole pretty deep too.

[lftbehind]

I was a single OW. I miss the sex with xMM but I ended it rather than stay in a relationship with endless ups and downs.

 

If I have a sexless existence, I consider it to be the better option.

 

Poppy.

 

I know what you mean about not wanting to stay in the relationship with ups and downs. I'm trying to not think about sex, but it's hard to live like that. I do think that it's important and I want it. It's a real dilemma.

[paradoxx]

I know I am in the wrong. I do not blame the affair on my husband or even on the state of my marriage before.

 

The problems in my marriage were there long before the affair; the affair just made it so I couldn't ignore them anymore.

 

I also don't blame my husband for all our problems. He has issues but he tries. I'm dismayed because I chose him, yet I dont think he can meet the needs I want met. It's fair of me to want him to sort out his issues (family, how he handles emotions etc.) but not fair to want him to change who he is. So I'm trying to figure out how to stay and love him for who he is.

 

I know that some of you have gone back to your marriages after affairs and without ddays. How did you manage? How are things now?

 

paradoxx

[DKT3]

In my marriage I was fully aware of what contributed to the problems that were my fault. My AP wasn't, but that's simply because she was and is an abuser and everything he did was wrong.

 

On the flip side, the argument can be made that the BS doesn't always sit back and address the issues they have created in the marriage that may have led to the fracturing of the relationship and thus the affair.

 

 

 

Except for, of course, those who don't go out and seek an affair and yet find themselves in one. There was at no point during our worst in the marriage did I think to myself "I think I'll have an affair today."

 

Which again, illustrates the dangers in using blanket statements to announce what is and isn't how things go in something as personal as human relationships.

 

To write off everybody who has an affair as mentally flawed sounds more like the coping technique of a BS than a true and insightful analysis of affairs.

 

 

 

It's just as disingenuous as saying that affairs are carried out by mentally flawed people who don't really have marital issues, but they create them after-the-fact to justify their actions.

 

Admitting that marital issues may contribute is just a reality, and it doesn't mean that now means 100% of marriages would have infidelity issues, just like saying people with marital issues get divorced, therefore 100% of marriages end in divorce. It's just a fact of life... Marital problems may exist that contribute to somebody having an affair.

 

My first husband and I had huge marital issues. I never once woke up and said "This sucks, I'm going out and having an affair." What did happen was that Inlived in a state of prolonged misery and unhappiness with him and our relationship, and when a person who was a great friend came along, I welcomed him into my life, hoping that friendship would make life more bearable. And it did, until we had an affair, then it didn't... Then it made things worse until I left my husband.

 

What made reinvesting back into the marriage difficult wasn't the affair, it was no longer being satisfied in the miserable marriage I was in. Is not like Inleft to be with OM. I left to live in an apartment I couldn't afford in a place I didn't like with no money to support myself and an OM who was, at that point, trying to R.

 

These situations are highly individualistic. You pull out this broad brush and try to paint it all in generalizations, but that's not how this issue works.

 

 

 

Except, of course, the marriage being weak and/or issues with the spouse is what can be a factor.

 

If my husband hadn't suddenly decided he didn't want kids, I wouldn't have fallen into a deep hole of depression and resentment, and he wouldn't have just expected me to just "get over it." That wouldn't have led me to question if he understood how important to me it was and how impossible "just get over it" was. Our marriage wouldn't have been a shambles of dictated changes, hurt feelings, non-communication, and avoidance. Then later escapism and debt.

 

I get why a serious evaluation of the circumstances behind an affair is hard... It seems for many BS, the ability to stand on the moral high ground and dictate from on high what awful things their WS did to them for no reason whatsoever beyond problems that were all the BS's. And my ex even tried the "I knew we had problems and I wasn't happy but I didn't cheat and you did." And it showed me he just didn't get it. He really didn't. And he didn't want to, he just wanted to claim a false high ground because he didn't cheat and I was the bad one who did.

 

The most honest point in our whole marriage, and thenpoint which temped us both into R, came when he actually stopped with all that was wrong with me because I cheated and the selfishness that comes in co-opting it as the reason for everything going bad and him being so great while I wasn't. When he sat down with a list and said "I finally get it." And he did. That going from wanting a big family to unilaterally deciding he wanted no family was devastating. That when I said I didn't feel like a part of his life as I should be, he could see how I felt that way. How he put unrealistic expectations on himself and the marriage that made him hard to please and left me feeling confused and isolated a lot.

 

When he finally got it is when I felt a weight fall off my shoulders. Years of being told I was wrong and seeing him say I was irrational... Basically, years of being almost gaslit, were acknowledged.

 

An affair, the choice to have it, is 100% on the person who crosses the line. I chose to not say "no" when I realized we were crossing lines. The circumstances that led to it via our awful marriage? That wasn't all me. He had a shovel and dig that hole pretty deep too.

 

We are all flawed, just in different ways.

 

Here is the thing, you don't wake up one day emotionally attached to another man. You found something interesting in him and you made the choice to engage him and explore that interest no matter your relationship status. Affairs don't just happen, people make them happen.

 

It is again part if the unwillingness to admit fault.

 

On the flipside, I don't disagree that both members in a bad marriage owns responsible in that state of the marriage. The issue is how you handle that problem. If one is overweight the answer isn't to eat a different kind of unhealthy food. Likewise the answer to a bad relationship isn't to find another before dealing with the one you have.

 

My wife isn't even closely related to the woman that had the affair, however we would never be in the place we are in now without me addressing the problems that I caused prior to her affair.

 

As I stated the status of the marriage has nothing to do with one having an affair, or we would have all had affairs, the issue is a personal one, period. Saying you found something with the now husband is interesting since you would have had to cross the lines prior to finding that missing element. It like finding out you enjoy heroine you have to do it first.

[Lady Hamilton]

We are all flawed, just in different ways.

 

Here is the thing, you don't wake up one day emotionally attached to another man. You found something interesting in him and you made the choice to engage him and explore that interest no matter your relationship status. Affairs don't just happen, people make them happen.

 

It is again part if the unwillingness to admit fault.

 

I have always admitted what was my fault in having the affair, including the affair itself.

 

However, at no point did I make a choice to cultivate an affair. I found a friend, we became close friends, and without trying to have an affair, we ended up crossing the line and having an affair.

 

We didn't go out and "make it happen," and to say I did would be a lie. A lie a BS, for one reason or another, may want to hear... But a lie nonetheless.

 

While I'm not arguing that there are people who go out and cultivate an affair or groom an affair partner, not everybody who has an affair intends to do so. One size doesn't fit all with affairs.

 

On the flipside, I don't disagree that both members in a bad marriage owns responsible in that state of the marriage. The issue is how you handle that problem. If one is overweight the answer isn't to eat a different kind of unhealthy food. Likewise the answer to a bad relationship isn't to find another before dealing with the one you have.

 

For some, it is. For some, the affair is the catalyst to changes in the marriage that ultimately save it. An affair is an answer, albeit a unwise and painful one that I don't personally suggest, but it is an answer. Because it's an undesirable answer doesn't mean that it isn't an answer. Just like if one is overweight, eating to a point of having a heart attack isn't the brightest way to achieve change, but that can be the wake up call needed to illicit change.

 

But to not acknowledge there are some problems in a marriage, probably severe ones, that can contribute to an affair... It's shortsighted. And to not acknowledge or address marital problems but then turn around and blame a WS for being the sole problem because they cheated... I get why it happens and I get why BS accept that (Bs find comfort in moral superiority and WS just want to move past it and will shoulder the blame if it means moving in faster)... But it doesn't address anything in a real and honest way.

 

My wife isn't even closely related to the woman that had the affair, however we would never be in the place we are in now without me addressing the problems that I caused prior to her affair.

 

This is a coping technique by BS that just baffles me. The person who had the affair? They are the same person. Before, during, and after. They may have treated you differently, they may have acted differently, and if you reconciled they may act differently yet again... But they are still the same person. Compartmentalizing affair WS and post-affair spouse by saying "I didn't like when you were hurting me, but I accept you now so you're a different person" doesn't do anybody any good.

 

As I stated the status of the marriage has nothing to do with one having an affair, or we would have all had affairs, the issue is a personal one, period. Saying you found something with the now husband is interesting since you would have had to cross the lines prior to finding that missing element. It like finding out you enjoy heroine you have to do it first.

 

When I realized that my marriage was broken and I couldn't recover didn't come in finding something "interesting" in my now husband, but in finding things decidedly awful with my husband and marriage then. Hence my repeatedly saying that the broad brush you are using to describe all affairs is all well and good, but it doesn't represent all affairs. It may have represented your affair, or arriving at these conclusions may have made it easier to accept a WS post affair, but it is not universal.

[DKT3]

I have always admitted what was my fault in having the affair, including the affair itself.

 

However, at no point did I make a choice to cultivate an affair. I found a friend, we became close friends, and without trying to have an affair, we ended up crossing the line and having an affair.

 

We didn't go out and "make it happen," and to say I did would be a lie. A lie a BS, for one reason or another, may want to hear... But a lie nonetheless.

 

While I'm not arguing that there are people who go out and cultivate an affair or groom an affair partner, not everybody who has an affair intends to do so. One size doesn't fit all with affairs.

 

 

 

For some, it is. For some, the affair is the catalyst to changes in the marriage that ultimately save it. An affair is an answer, albeit a unwise and painful one that I don't personally suggest, but it is an answer. Because it's an undesirable answer doesn't mean that it isn't an answer. Just like if one is overweight, eating to a point of having a heart attack isn't the brightest way to achieve change, but that can be the wake up call needed to illicit change.

 

But to not acknowledge there are some problems in a marriage, probably severe ones, that can contribute to an affair... It's shortsighted. And to not acknowledge or address marital problems but then turn around and blame a WS for being the sole problem because they cheated... I get why it happens and I get why BS accept that (Bs find comfort in moral superiority and WS just want to move past it and will shoulder the blame if it means moving in faster)... But it doesn't address anything in a real and honest way.

 

 

 

This is a coping technique by BS that just baffles me. The person who had the affair? They are the same person. Before, during, and after. They may have treated you differently, they may have acted differently, and if you reconciled they may act differently yet again... But they are still the same person. Compartmentalizing affair WS and post-affair spouse by saying "I didn't like when you were hurting me, but I accept you now so you're a different person" doesn't do anybody any good.

 

 

 

When I realized that my marriage was broken and I couldn't recover didn't come in finding something "interesting" in my now husband, but in finding things decidedly awful with my husband and marriage then. Hence my repeatedly saying that the broad brush you are using to describe all affairs is all well and good, but it doesn't represent all affairs. It may have represented your affair, or arriving at these conclusions may have made it easier to accept a WS post affair, but it is not universal.

 

So your saying that people don't grow and change?

 

No, My wife is a different person, she was spoiled, self centered and selfish. For years I enabled her, not that I was a doormat but it was not important to me so I let it go, but it did bug me abit.

 

Not to thread jack, but we've been together since I'm 17 her 16. We become very codependent, it was very unhealthy. When we divorced to put it simply, she grew up. She became more iindependent more self reliant. She no longer had me or her parents to bail her out. She is very much a different person.

 

Sorry for the tj

[Ronnie33]

The marriage and people can grow and change, BUT, only if there is something left to save.

 

Otherwise it doesn't matter how much you try, the marriage is over and it can not recover.

[Southern Sun]

I know I am in the wrong. I do not blame the affair on my husband or even on the state of my marriage before.

 

The problems in my marriage were there long before the affair; the affair just made it so I couldn't ignore them anymore.

 

I also don't blame my husband for all our problems. He has issues but he tries. I'm dismayed because I chose him, yet I dont think he can meet the needs I want met. It's fair of me to want him to sort out his issues (family, how he handles emotions etc.) but not fair to want him to change who he is. So I'm trying to figure out how to stay and love him for who he is.

 

I know that some of you have gone back to your marriages after affairs and without ddays. How did you manage? How are things now?

 

paradoxx

 

paradoxx, it looks like your thread took a little turn

 

I wanted to try to answer your question because I can relate to how you are feeling. I am a fWW and I very much struggled with sex with my BH after my affair. I have not read your back story but it sounds like there has been no D-Day? If that's true, I hate to say it, but I think that is a huge part of your problem.

 

It honestly took me facing the base, disgusting reality of what I had done to put the former AP in his place in my mind and to be able to stop romanticizing him and our sexual relationship. It took me nearly losing my BH and my family, my life as I know it, to really knock the breath out of me and stop with all the ridiculous ruminations about MM. I mean, I apparently needed to get cut off at the knees.

 

I'm not saying that everyone needs that level of near-loss and humiliation, but I think a lot of waywards do, unfortunately. And the truth is, I think it is very difficult to re-build intimacy with your BH while having this brick wall of deceit between you.

 

I said all the same things as you - my AP and I fit well, the sex was good, my BH and I are just off, etc. But of COURSE my BH and I were off...I had been having sex with someone else. So I am going to be uncomfortable and HE is going to be REALLY damn uncomfortable. Your BH, even if he doesn't know, may sense something is wrong. And even if you think these are things that have 'always' been off, I bet you there is something going on that is totally related to you having an affair, something that wasn't there before.

 

Sadly...my belief is that my feelings and your feelings are part of the price we get to pay for having cheated on our husbands. We went out and did something we weren't supposed to and now you are sitting there comparing your husband to someone else, which was never supposed to happen. And it's a comparison that is not fair...a brand new relationship, fraught with secrecy and heightened emotions, to one tried and true. I just bet if you were able to compare sex with your OM to sex with your husband in the EXACT SAME SCENARIOS (both of you with 10 years of marriage under your belts), your sex life might not be all that different.

 

What you need right now is time. I think you said you only ended it 3 weeks ago? That's nothing. You need lots more time. And if you can ever bring yourself to be honest, that would REALLY give you some big medicine. But that is a decision you have to make.