I purposely destroy all my relationships with women. What is wrong with me!

[Tolu2d]

I really have a serious problem and I need to start addressing it, otherwise I will end up truly alone.

 

Ever since my teenage years, I have purposely sabotaged my relationships with women. It could be a relationship scenario, or just casual dating. Even just friends.

 

A typical scenario is that me and a girl will be really close, and then I'll do or say something in a fit of temper that will completely destroy our relationship. It's like I get some kind of kick out of doing it. A small little argument can turn into a girl never wanting to speak to me again.

 

The sad thing is that I get some kind of thrill from doing it, and then regret it hugely later. I feel like I must have some kind of self destructive personality disorder. It's happened so much that it has to be something deep within my psychological makeup.

 

How can I begin to address this problem?

[Larryville]

Relationships sabotage is unfortunately pretty common with a lot of people.

 

Comes about when people attempt to avoid "pain" in relationships. When people get overly euphoric in the beginning stages of relationships they retreating into fantasy that allowing folks to “feel” as if they joined with another person. The “illusion” makes us feel safe and secure, but it actually undermines our most vital and true feelings of love and acceptance. However at the slightest bump in the road we seek to protect ourselves, some people put up walls and is exactly why good communication must be established right away in relationships.

 

Some people are hyper critical of themselves and mentally wait in the bushes waiting for something to go wrong and in some instances “sabotage” something that in not necessarily broken in a relationship.

 

These defenses will impact your ability to develop and sustain good long term relationships.

 

Always be conscious of voices telling you that “you’re messing up” again or that everything is your fault.

 

The self-sabotage is your or someone’s safe out when you don't want to deal with the nuts and bolts of maintaining a good relationship.

 

Slightly clearer than mud but quick assessment. No knowing how old you are but if you are noticing this killing all your close relationships seek counseling rooted in upbringing somehow.

 

Good Luck

[Tolu2d]

I'm 25

 

Yesterday I ruined a great friendship I had with a girl. We were really close and saw each other a lot before I moved away. A tiny petty little argument turned into something huge. She never now wants to hear from me again, despite her previously having strong feelings for me.

 

I purposely pushed her over the edge as I was angry and wanted to see how far I could go. This is a big pattern in my life and always with women. Friends or girlfriends.

 

I can turn a small disagreement into something huge with the intention making her so mad she never wants to hear from me again.

 

Need to sort this or I'll be forever alone.

[Satu]

Do you see your behaviour as abusive?

 

It sounds like it is.

[Tolu2d]

Do you see your behaviour as abusive?

 

It sounds like it is.

 

 

Yes I do, but I want to stop it.

[Satu]

Yes I do, but I want to stop it.

 

You would be best to start seeing a therapist.

 

I don't think that this is something you could resolve by yourself.

 

Look for resources in your area.

 

You've taken a big first step in acknowledging that you have a problem.

 

 

Take care.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your best bet is too seek professional guidance. I say that out of sincerity, not snark.

 

I have an ex-boyfriend who was similar. I felt like he was constantly picking fights over the most random and innocuous things, which would almost always erupt into a fit of rage. He would become outrageously angry and I had truly never seen anything like it.

 

In his case, he has indeed been diagnosed with a personality disorder (Borderline Personality disorder, to be specific) I can't begin to guess whether you might exhibit similar behaviours that are typical of BPD sufferers, but regarding my ex, he most certainly did.

 

And the result was exactly what you described - I wish to never see this man again.

[Tolu2d]

Maybe I should see someone then, before it becomes something bigger.

[Satu]

Maybe I should see someone then, before it becomes something bigger.

 

Not only that, you can work on being a happier person.

 

Happy is good.

[MLP11]

Maybe I should see someone then, before it becomes something bigger.

 

I can completely relate. It's a self sabotaging means for me to not let anyone close to me so I can't be hurt. I find the most minute stupid things to pick on and hard on until I end it or the other party gets frustrated and does it.

 

It's certainly not healthy nor productive. My sister has been diagnosed with BPD as well she tried to commit suicide once because of her engagement which was quite frightening

[Tolu2d]

Not sure I have BP, though I do seem to make hasty comments and start arguments instead of allowing myself to cool. Not normal to get a kick out of it either.

I'm paying for it now though!

[MLP11]

Not sure I have BP, though I do seem to make hasty comments and start arguments instead of allowing myself to cool. Not normal to get a kick out of it either.

I'm paying for it now though!

 

oops, sorry! Didn't mean to suggest you had BP!

 

I think from me it stems from fearing to love another person, letting them get so close to me they could hurt me. Having the proverbial door closed if you will.

 

When I am upset and angry, especially at a girl I am dating, I turn my phone off and atleast sleep on it. A lot of times just delaying that initial anger can be very helpful. Then you can ask yourself the question, why am I upset? And is it rational?

[Tolu2d]

oops, sorry! Didn't mean to suggest you had BP!

 

I think from me it stems from fearing to love another person, letting them get so close to me they could hurt me. Having the proverbial door closed if you will.

 

When I am upset and angry, especially at a girl I am dating, I turn my phone off and atleast sleep on it. A lot of times just delaying that initial anger can be very helpful. Then you can ask yourself the question, why am I upset? And is it rational?

 

Maybe it is all in my subconscious then. I sometimes have a "fck you, I don't need you in my life" attitude. The sad thing is that I've had girls head over heels for me, and then go straight to never wanting to hear from me again.

 

I let my emotions control me far too much. For instance, I walked out of a good job because the boss was rude to me on that day. One of my bigger mistakes. I'm a very emotional person with some very apparent self destructive personality traits.

 

[tinkerbell16]

I really have a serious problem and I need to start addressing it, otherwise I will end up truly alone.

 

Ever since my teenage years, I have purposely sabotaged my relationships with women. It could be a relationship scenario, or just casual dating. Even just friends.

 

A typical scenario is that me and a girl will be really close, and then I'll do or say something in a fit of temper that will completely destroy our relationship. It's like I get some kind of kick out of doing it. A small little argument can turn into a girl never wanting to speak to me again.

 

The sad thing is that I get some kind of thrill from doing it, and then regret it hugely later. I feel like I must have some kind of self destructive personality disorder. It's happened so much that it has to be something deep within my psychological makeup.

 

How can I begin to address this problem?

 

 

Since we are all playing armchair therapist I will add my .02. You have abandonment issues. As soon as you get close you self destruct, like others said... to avoid getting hurt. At your core you do not feel worthy of love, expecting it is a matter of time before they discover the same and abandon you.

 

You prevent this by self distructing first.

 

You abandon them before they can abandon you.

[Miss Peach]

I agree with the getting professional help but IME most therapists don't understand well the dynamics or abuse, personality disorders, etc. so do some research before choosing someone.

 

If it's not very extreme it could be more of an emotional availability problem- When these people get too close you try to push them away. Natalie Lue is my favorite author on that topic.

[Redhead14]

I really have a serious problem and I need to start addressing it, otherwise I will end up truly alone.

 

Ever since my teenage years, I have purposely sabotaged my relationships with women. It could be a relationship scenario, or just casual dating. Even just friends.

 

A typical scenario is that me and a girl will be really close, and then I'll do or say something in a fit of temper that will completely destroy our relationship. It's like I get some kind of kick out of doing it. A small little argument can turn into a girl never wanting to speak to me again.

 

The sad thing is that I get some kind of thrill from doing it, and then regret it hugely later. I feel like I must have some kind of self destructive personality disorder. It's happened so much that it has to be something deep within my psychological makeup.

 

How can I begin to address this problem?

 

Counseling . . . and a dedicated attitude to figuring this out. This is often rooted in childhood. Think about the male role models in your life. What was their attitude toward women/relationships? What kind of home life did you have? Did you feel connected to your family or did you feel like you were kind of on the outside? What kind of relationship did you have with your mother or other important female influences? A poor relationship with one or more adult women, will cause a person to sometimes lash out at other women in the future for fear of being hurt by them so you push them away before they can do that.

 

These are just a few things to think about to start the process for you. The answers to these questions, will give you a little clue at least. There are other things that can/could contribute to it but it's best to seek counseling so that the counselor can guide you effectively.