My BF is starting to get really jealous of me and my best guy friend

[kathy_d]

Hi everyone,

 

 

I’ve been in a relationship with my bf (Rick) for about 2 years now. He is 25, I am 20. He is my first serious bf and I have no doubts about him. We are very much in love and have learned each other’s pet peeves and how to accommodate each other. We are planning to marry after I graduate (2 years) and I already have moved in with him. His job keeps him away from home most of the time, but we spend every moment of the weekends together when he’s here, usually twice a month, and I have no doubt he is my soul mate.

 

 

However, this past week I noticed a sort of ‘issue’ developing between us that has me sort of worried. My bf started asking me lots of questions about an old guy friend of mine (Troy). Troy and I have been good friends since 9th grade and he’s probably my best friend, male or female. We grew up not far from each other, and were the only two people at the bus stop, so naturally we ended up talking a lot and becoming close. We toyed with the idea of dating, and even made out a few times after drinking, but we quickly realized we didn’t feel that way about each other. However, we remained very good friends, and when we found out we were at the same college and same major, we stayed in touch and occasionally went out for drinks or coffee. Last year, he eventually got a gf and I was truly happy for him, but he still finds time to come over and join my study group fairly often, and we still occasionally meet for coffee.

 

 

I was surprised by my bf’s rather pointed questioning because I have disabled the video cameras at our home, so there should be no way for him to know who all is coming over here. I think he is having our neighbor watch over the place. L But at any rate, he seems extremely suspicious of him, so he must have someone watching, or some kind of ‘snitch’ feeding him info, but I have no clue who it might be. I’m a bit mad about him snooping on my privacy, but since I have no proof I don’t think I should confront him about that.

 

 

My bf has been acting really odd and it seems from his body language and other non-verbal cues that he doesn’t trust me, even though I’ve assured him that I only see Troy as a platonic friend. He seems to keep pushing me for more info even though I don’t feel comfortable telling him everything so soon and don’t want to share every little detail about our past. We are very much in love but I don’t think that either of us should expect to be so close so fast. My bf hasn’t been helping the situation either by doing things like calling me when I’m hosting a study group and asking me for a detailed inventory of who all is there, or calling me when I’m out and asking me what I’m doing and what my plans for the day are. He is obviously snooping and I honestly find it a bit threatening. He even got a little angry yesterday when I told him Troy was over here having coffee and studying along with other friends. I told him the truth that I was just hanging out with my friends, and I would never lie to him, but he acted like I was being deceptive somehow.

 

 

I know for a fact that Troy and I are just platonic friends because before I met my bf we used to flirt a lot, but since then I’ve really toned down on the flirting and now I’m acting more friendly. What do you think I should do? I don’t want to start anything with him because it’s starting to get a little confrontational between us, and he is coming home this weekend!

[JS84]

You're going to have to lose your friend or lose your boyfriend. But I agree, most men are not going to put up with a guy like that being involved with you in any way, especially with your history.

[basil67]

I suspect this will be a problem with many men who you date.

[kgcolonel]

I think that most men are gonna be angry with you when you have a "best guy friend" who you used to make out with, who you have over to your place, who you spend time alone with, and you used to flirt with all the time. Yeah, I wouldn't want that guy around my woman either.

 

The big deal here ( I am assuming the video cameras you disabled were for safety purposes) is the appearance that you have something you're hiding by disabling the cameras. I personally think video cameras inside a house is creepy but if they were already there, and you and he knew about them....it looks sketchy to me, you disabling them....

 

I would definitely have a problem with this. I think at 20, you're not yet at a emotionally developed level to understand the implications of some of the things you are saying and doing and how your BF sees them. Even if he doesn't have spies, he senses something.

 

Would you be okay with him hosting a "BF" who is female that you really weren't sure about the nature of the relationship????

[kathy_d]

Thx for the replies, guys. It really helps me out a lot. I needed a guy’s POV on this one.

 

 

So I think what you are all saying is that it is normal for guys to feel threatened by close friends of the opposite sex. Then I guess the next thing to figure out is how to convince my bf that Troy is not a threat in any way. Both of us are platonic friends and the farthest we ever got was a little touching and cuddling in bed, but that was way back during my junior year in high school. We are good friends now and have absolutely no desire to go any further than that. Troy knows this and I know this.

 

 

I think I’m going to try and just wait it out and see if my bf eventually quits asking about him. I’m not trying to avoid the issue, but I don’t feel comfortable telling him all the gory details, even though I love my bf. I’m hoping this is some kind of phase with him and that it will pass. After all, he has always trusted me until recently.

 

 

As far as me turning off the cameras, well, I would never try and video everyone my bf had coming into the house when I wasn’t there. I’m sorry, but I think that is weird. If my bf and I cannot trust each other enough not to monitor each other with cell phones and video 24/7, then really what is the point of us getting married?

 

 

 

Now, if my bf had a good friend who was a girl come over to a study group, especially if she was in a relationship with another guy, I would have no problem with that. I would understand that he had friends before we met, and that one of them happened to be a girl, and I would not get that jealous. But if his best girl friend was someone he met after we got together, then no I would not be ok with it.

 

 

 

Another issue is I'm still not sure how he found out about Troy and I. I have no evidence whatsoever about our neighbor spying, and I can’t imagine any of my friends telling him about us. I checked everywhere for some kind of hidden nano-cam but found nothing. For the record, I trust my bf and would never invade his privacy by snooping on him, and I expect the same in return from my bf. And he knows this.

[kgcolonel]

Okay. I can see your point on the cameras however the method you chose, it sounds like there wasn't a conversation about your discomfort only that you decided to turn them off. On the same level that your planning to consider marriage that same level of communication should warrant the ability to discuss the camera issues as well as his discomfort with Troy. That is the mature way to address concerns and hurdles in a relationship, not hoping it is a phase or will just go away.

[frus69]

So I think what you are all saying is that it is normal for guys to feel threatened by close friends of the opposite sex. Then I guess the next thing to figure out is how to convince my bf that Troy is not a threat in any way.

 

No..the next thing to figure out is how to cut contact with your friend...This is when you need to choose either your BF or your male bestie. Not both.

 

 

Any reason your male bestie needs to be in your life forever?

[DKT3]

Ok let's see, you have a guy coming into his house while he is away working, you hide it from him, you get upset that he found out, you are annoyed by his questions on the subject , and you don't feel comfortable sharing the information....thst sounds like someone cheating to me. Come on you have to see this isn't appropriate behavior for a woman in your position.

[VeveCakes]

There is no point in trying to prove Troy isn't a threat. As you may think Troy is innocent he may not be, maybe your bf senses it. Maybe your bf is just paranoid but it does it matter? You are disrespecting his feelings and for what really...

 

This friendship is inappropriate for a person in a serious relationship.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

 

My bf has been acting really odd and it seems from his body language and other non-verbal cues that he doesn’t trust me, even though I’ve assured him that I only see Troy as a platonic friend...

 

 

I know for a fact that Troy and I are just platonic friends because before I met my bf we used to flirt a lot, but since then I’ve really toned down on the flirting ...

 

 

 

You are not viewing this correctly. For it has almost nothing to do with how you "only see Troy as a platonic friend".

 

 

Troy views himself as being in line for your romantic affections, and your boyfriend is well aware of this.

 

Nothing else really matters.

 

 

It is one thing when you're in 9th grade, or 2nd grade, as the only two people at your school bus stop, to be tossed into a friendship scenario based on that commonality. It is quite another when you're both adults, and when men have zero interest in being mere friends with women who they wouldn't rather be banging.

[bubbaganoosh]

Ask yourself this. If you worked out of town and your boyfriend had a best friend that was a woman and she was always over there even with the rest of the study group and he disabled the video camera's and this girl meets with him once in a while for coffee, then you tell me if you wouldn't feel threatened?

 

If you say no then I would have no problem telling you that you were a liar because it would bother you but that hasn't happened.

 

Now to compound things your saying that your BF doesn't know that you and your buddy made out a few times and you flirt with him so if you think he's noodgy now then just imagine how he's going to be when he finds out and you and your boy friend have been together for two years and he doesn't know about it yet so your keeping a mighty big secret from him and too me it's to play both ends to the middle.

 

Time for you to be a bit more honest with your boyfriend and start spending less time with your buddy but it's your choice and in life you have to make some hard choices.

 

You asked for a guys opinion so here it is.

[PegNosePete]

In the words of Batman: "It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me"

 

What are you doing? You are meeting with an ex (you made out therefore he is an ex), regularly, in date-like situations and one-on-one in your home, behind your bf's back, and to top it off you disabled the cameras without explaining your reasoning to your BF.

 

Your actions very heavily suggest that you're cheating. Can you blame your BF for jumping to the obvious conclusion, or at least being extremely suspicious? If he were to make a thread on here wondering if his GF is cheating, and explained the situation as above, we would all tell him yes all the evidence very strongly suggests she's cheating and you should monitor her very closely to find proof. And even if she's not cheating she has some serious boundary issues, and doesn't respect you or your relationship.

 

When there's smoke, there's usually fire. There is a lot of smoke here. Even if there's no fire, it really looks as though there is.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Unless he's gay, he probably wants to bang you. Your boyfriend knows this. There's a boundary there you have to set up and enforce.

[kathy_d]

I have listened to the replies and tried to put myself in my bf’s shoes, but I still see no reason to feel guilty about anything. Turning off the cameras was something I discussed with my bf. I consider it a privacy issue and he understood even if he didn’t agree with it. I don’t think it’s healthy to be monitoring your partner like that, and the mere fact that he wants to I find rather disturbing.

 

 

I am not meeting my ‘ex’ behind his back. My best guy friend and I have been old friends for a long time, and we never dated. He is even currently in an on/off relationship with someone. I’m not sure what their relationship is, he never told me and I never asked, I’m thinking it’s a fwb relationship, but at any rate he already has someone. The only time I did stuff with Troy was at a few parties when we got really drunk. It was not that often and no intercourse ever occurred. We both realized we crossed some boundaries we really didn’t want to, so we promised not to tell anyone or talk about it ever again, and we reverted to just being friends. Since my guy friend lives fairly close and takes the same major as I do we spend 2 or 3 days studying together in groups and we often grab coffee in the morning before classes. We text but in no way as much as I do with my bf. My feelings for Troy are nothing like the feelings I have for my bf. I can sense it. I feel like a sister with my guy friend but I feel like a real lady when I’m with my bf.

 

 

 

I also know that my bf has female friends that he communicates with and I have not once felt jealous of any of them yet. They are also in relationships and I’ve met a few of them. I understand that they were already his friends and I would not expect him to have to cut off all communication with them just because I am insecure.

 

 

Somebody suggested that me and my guy friend are not platonic, and that I should test him. I don’t feel there is any need for that, plus it would be inappropriate. I understand that a lot of guys will use friendship to get sex with a girl, but honestly my friend is not like that. We are just old and dear friends who have been through a lot together and have a shared history and social circle. There have been many times where we could have done something but not once did we succumb to temptation. I honestly feel he is just a good friend and is not a threat to my relationship. More like a brother really, than anything.

 

 

I was just hoping that me and my bf could just accept that we might have some baggage from previous relationships and accommodate each other instead of cutting people out of our lives. I understand that before we met my bf was single and that he dated and probably made some friendships with the opposite sex. That does not bother me at all because he was single then and it was consensual. Of course I would be mad now because I’m his gf, but it was the past. I even told my bf that Troy is in a relationship, which would imply that he’s unavailable.

But something else has come up I’d like to ask you guys about. I was thinking about it and I think I might know why my bf has gotten the wrong impression. I was scoping out my bf’s fb page and I found out that one of my friends friended him. I was surprised because I have my own friend list privated, which means that we should only have access to friends we have in common. I thought about it, and it might make sense that this ‘friend’ would be telling my bf stuff. All the pieces fit together. She would seem to be the person most likely to say something to him, and the most likely to have gotten the wrong impression about me and Troy. See, she is in our study group and she really likes Troy. She is always trying to get close to him and flirt, but he doesn’t like her. I will usually have to even ‘rescue’ Troy by coming inbetween them, and I think this has given her the wrong impression and made her angry. She probably thinks I’m jealous of her moving in on Troy, but actually I’m just looking out for my friend and trying to get her to leave him alone.

 

 

 

How do you guys think I should approach this? Should I just tell my bf my suspicions about this girl feeding him false info, or would it be better for me just to tactfully confront my ’friend’? I mean, I’m not sure she’s telling my bf anything, but it seems there is enough evidence for me to say something.

[Empyrea]

Yeah, I'm all for trust in relationships and I believe that opposite sex people can very well be platonic friends, but what you've described would definitely sound shifty to me as well.

 

What do you mean you don't want to get into the gory details or divulge everything so soon..? You've been together for two years, you should be able to divulge and be honest about these kinds of things. And if Troy is your best friend as you said, why hasn't your BF met him? Don't you ever hang out in the same group of friends? This is step one in alleviating feelings of insecurity or jealousy - you introduce your friend to your BF, you hang out together not just the two of you privately, so your BF can see for himself that there is nothing to worry about and that you two communicate as friends only. But as you claim to have only "toned down" on the flirting, I'm guessing that may not be the case.

 

The cameras are weird, but on everything else, it seems to me that you need to mature a bit in terms of how to compromise and take your partner's feelings into consideration. And open, honest communication!!

[DKT3]

I'm afraid you simply don't get it. Your view is narrow and really only seeing it your way.

 

Here is the thing, if your boyfriend is not uncomfortable with the situation and you don't give his feeling merit then he won't be your boyfriend long. It's not your right to dictate how he should feel and why.

 

Honestly, the way you write the story, many here get the impression there is much more going on with Troy. Maybe you are in denial, but it just doesn't sound right and you surely are compromising. You are making your choice just don't be shocked if your boyfriend ends things with you.

 

Also interesting that Troy gets a name and bf is generic....

[SwordofFlame]

Here's a suggestion, why don't you and your bf go on double dates with Troy and his gf.

[Poutrew]

Periodically, we get this type of post here. The last one was when the boyfriend was getting jealous of the girlfriend and her own step-brother. Turns out they, step bro and sis, were soaping each other down in a hot tub for most of their lives...and no matter how many of us posted how rip roaring weird this situation was, the girl just couldn't see it, like doesn't every brother flirt with their sister whilst soaping down her panty clad, semi nude voluptious body?

 

To top it off, you purposely switch off the camera whilst the old boyfriend is in the house. Be honest - you still flirt with him and you know your boyfriend would flip his gizzard if he heard some of the things you really talk about. Well guess what, if I were you boyfriend, I'd have more than one camera in that house -especially if I wanted to be in on your little trysts, so guess what, your boyfriend has heard that inappropriate stuff, and is reacting appropriately. Further proof is you are feeling angry at the boyfriend for eavesdropping on your conversations.

 

As far as you being marriage material? No way. Now, if you thoroughly search the house and find more hidden spy stuff, and disable them, well, if I were your boyfriend I would kick your fanny out of my house so fast you'd be making skid marks...honestly, you sound just like all those past posters that verbally claim the bestie is just a platonic pal, but act like he is really a lover. My advice, stop torturing your boyfriend and elevate Troy from orbiter to lover. You'll all be a lot happier.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I have listened to the replies and tried to put myself in my bf’s shoes, but I still see no reason to feel guilty about anything. Turning off the cameras was something I discussed with my bf. I consider it a privacy issue and he understood even if he didn’t agree with it. I don’t think it’s healthy to be monitoring your partner like that, and the mere fact that he wants to I find rather disturbing.

 

 

 

Somebody suggested that me and my guy friend are not platonic, and that I should test him. I don’t feel there is any need for that, plus it would be inappropriate. I understand that a lot of guys will use friendship to get sex with a girl, but honestly my friend is not like that. We are just old and dear friends who have been through a lot together and have a shared history and social circle. There have been many times where we could have done something but not once did we succumb to temptation. I honestly feel he is just a good friend and is not a threat to my relationship. More like a brother really, than anything.

 

 

I was just hoping that me and my bf could just accept that we might have some baggage from previous relationships and accommodate each other instead of cutting people out of our lives. I understand that before we met my bf was single and that he dated and probably made some friendships with the opposite sex. That does not bother me at all because he was single then and it was consensual. Of course I would be mad now because I’m his gf, but it was the past. I even told my bf that Troy is in a relationship, which would imply that he’s unavailable.

 

 

 

It doesn't matter if God is telling your boyfriend things about you.

 

Your own words illustrate for anyone that you are entirely unwilling to see this from any perspective that is not your own.

 

 

And nobody says that youuuuuuuuuuuuu need to feel guilty...

 

 

For while women are indeed capable of having platonic male friends they would never touch, romantically (almost entirely because women can get sex any time they want it, so they don't have to dedicate precious time to {trying to figure out how to get some} ), men have zero interest in investing time in women who those men wouldn't rather be banging!!

 

 

(now indeed there may be random women at the bus/train stop every morning, and random female coworkers caused to spend hours in the same environment, as well as random family friends, fellow church-goers, and whatever... who men might consider "friends", but until men invest lots of their own, free, personal time IN those people without provocation, those females are more accurately described as seemingly (from the male's perspective) running in the background of the lives of those males)

 

 

Men simply do not want to afford the time they could be spending in search of somebody to bang, on sincere and platonic friendships with what-might-as-well-be-random women.

 

One need only look around the Pinterest website to figure this out.

 

 

So stop playing your boyfriend for a fool.

 

 

Your interaction with your so-called male "friend" IS what it is... and you owe it to your boyfriend to at least see and admit that much.

 

 

 

PS - "Troy" having gone out to find somebody to bang in the present, has zero bearing on the fact that he would rather be banging you

[JoeSmith357-1]

Why would you turn off the cameras? That's shady as hell.

 

It's like hiding your phone when your boyfriend walks in the room, or getting a text, then disappearing to the bathroom for a half hour, or any other number of shady things I have seen cheaters do...

 

If this is truly platonic, you have to be COMPLETELY above board on these things

 

You are not... you are just the opposite, and not being respectful at all of your boyfriends point of view

[mizunomead]

You actually say that you used to flirt with this other guy alot before your BF came into the picture, now you have turned it down. It should be turned off not down.

I understand your your very young. So this is kind of a learning experience for you. And yes, it is ok for you to have opposite sex friends. But this person is not just a friend, this is someone that you have had some kind of sexual relations with in the past, have flirted with, made out with etc.

There has to be more boundaries with men that you have had sexual encounters with in the past. Especially someone that your not willing to fully talk about with your current boyfriend. Its basically a affront, a disrespect to him for you to have this other guy around that much. You are putting a friendship with a former flame in front of the man that you claim to love.

If i was him, and this was going on frankly i would walk from you. However, again your young. So take this as a learning experience about compromise and meeting your partners needs in the middle. He is the more important man in your life by virtue of you having a relationship with him. Now you need to show him this.

[frus69]

You guys are like brothers and sisters? Seriously OP, knock it off

And does your BF used to bang any of his female friends?

I hope your BF don't waste his time on you

[kathy_d]

Thanks for all the replies and perspectives. As someone said, I know I’m still young, so any advice from more experienced people is appreciated.

 

 

 

Actually, I think the idea of doing a double date with Troy and his gf is a really good idea. I think that once Rick gets to know Troy better it will do a lot towards alleviating his concerns. Troy and I are meeting for lunch tomorrow and I think I’ll bring this up to him then. Of course, first I will give him a heads up on what is going on. I haven’t yet told him about Rick’s ‘concerns’ about us, but I think it’s important to do that so that he understands the situation. Otherwise it could turn out to be an awkward encounter for everyone.

 

 

You actually say that you used to flirt with this other guy alot before your BF came into the picture, now you have turned it down. It should be turned off not down.

I understand your your very young. So this is kind of a learning experience for you. And yes, it is ok for you to have opposite sex friends. But this person is not just a friend, this is someone that you have had some kind of sexual relations with in the past, have flirted with, made out with etc.

There has to be more boundaries with men that you have had sexual encounters with in the past. Especially someone that your not willing to fully talk about with your current boyfriend. Its basically a affront, a disrespect to him for you to have this other guy around that much. You are putting a friendship with a former flame in front of the man that you claim to love.

If i was him, and this was going on frankly i would walk from you. However, again your young. So take this as a learning experience about compromise and meeting your partners needs in the middle. He is the more important man in your life by virtue of you having a relationship with him. Now you need to show him this.

Yes, mizuno, I do understand about boundaries and compromise and that the flirting should turned off not down. And yes I admit that for awhile my guy friend and I were getting a bit too close, but we have put that behind us, and since he was in a relationship we have hung out less often and have acted more like friends. I do not want to put my friendship over the man I love, but the fooling around and stuff happened like 3 years ago, and I devote most all of my time to him when he’s here and have cut down on spending time with my guy friend. So I feel I’ve already compromised and the only thing left to do really would be to stop seeing my friend altogether, and I really don’t want to do that.

 

 

I think a lot of the problem is that some people, like my bf, have a problem with separating platonic love from romantic love. I can honestly say that I love both of them, but with Rick it is a romantic special feeling, while with Troy it is like the love you feel for a brother. And I think my bf is just having a problem accepting this, which I can somewhat understand but which I also think is unreasonable, irritating, and a total turn off. I mean, him being jealous of Troy would be like me being jealous of his sister, you know what I mean? I just think it’s ridiculous, tbh.

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

Frankly, your actions have done nothing to give your BF any confidence in you being a worthy partner. In fact, your posts seem to suggest that you are either really clueless about relationships or that you just don't care what your bf thinks..

 

I am banking on a little of both. Obviously he didn't invade your privacy, he invaded your secrecy. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

And you hid this guy whom you had previously made out with in the past from your live in boyfriend who had to find it out from a third party. And disabled security cameras on top of it...yeah that always makes someone seem like a real catch

 

Not good...not in the least.

 

This does not bode well. You are not marriage material at this stage of your life. I would not be surprised if your relationship will soon see it's last sunrise.

[Weezy1973]

Actually, I think the idea of doing a double date with Troy and his gf is a really good idea. I think that once Rick gets to know Troy better it will do a lot towards alleviating his concerns.

 

Yup - this is a great idea! General rule, once you're an established couple your friends are his friends. Keeping your friendship with Troy as a couple friendship should really go a long way in alleviating the concerns of your boyfriend.

 

Troy and I are meeting for lunch tomorrow and I think I’ll bring this up to him then. Of course, first I will give him a heads up on what is going on. I haven’t yet told him about Rick’s ‘concerns’ about us, but I think it’s important to do that so that he understands the situation. Otherwise it could turn out to be an awkward encounter for everyone.

 

But DO NOT do this!! You can not be sharing intimate details about your boyfriend and his insecurities to Troy!!! That has emotional affair written all over it! Just simply invite Troy and his girlfriend out with you and your boyfriend. Your loyalty HAS TO BE with your boyfriend. Or the relationship is doomed.

 

 

 

Yes, mizuno, I do understand about boundaries and compromise and that the flirting should turned off not down. And yes I admit that for awhile my guy friend and I were getting a bit too close, but we have put that behind us, and since he was in a relationship we have hung out less often and have acted more like friends.

 

You have put it behind you. That's all you really know. There's no way you can know what's going on in Troy's head. Or pants.

 

I do not want to put my friendship over the man I love, but the fooling around and stuff happened like 3 years ago, and I devote most all of my time to him when he’s here and have cut down on spending time with my guy friend. So I feel I’ve already compromised and the only thing left to do really would be to stop seeing my friend altogether, and I really don’t want to do that.

 

Why don't you discuss with your boyfriend what kinds of boundaries would make him feel secure and safe in the relationship. Opposite sex friends can be a threat to relationships in more ways than one. Just the fact that your boyfriend is insecure about it threatens your relationship. You should be doing everything possible to make sure your boyfriend is feeling secure. Feelings of security and safety are hallmarks of a healthy relationship.

 

 

I think a lot of the problem is that some people, like my bf, have a problem with separating platonic love from romantic love. I can honestly say that I love both of them, but with Rick it is a romantic special feeling, while with Troy it is like the love you feel for a brother. And I think my bf is just having a problem accepting this, which I can somewhat understand but which I also think is unreasonable, irritating, and a total turn off. I mean, him being jealous of Troy would be like me being jealous of his sister, you know what I mean? I just think it’s ridiculous, tbh.

 

Instead of feeling like it's ridiculous try to empathize. When you tell someone what they're feeling is invalid, that drives a wedge in the relationship. What you should do is acknowledge that your relationship with Troy is making your boyfriend insecure and discuss with your boyfriend what types of boundaries would make him feel more secure. Then abide by those boundaries, whatever they are. Your boyfriend has to come first. If you have emotional needs that need to be met outside of your relationship, get those met by your girlfriends.