My BF is starting to get really jealous of me and my best guy friend

[allessior]

Ok, let's put the shoe on the proverbial other foot.

 

If your husband to be had a best friend who was female, and this best friend spent time alone with him in a house, how would you feel if it was repeated over and over again?

 

Here is a FACT based in biology: When a young male and young female of reproductive years are alone together, they are stimulated sexually, and may not even be aware of that fact. This is an involuntary response which is now instinctual in the human species, as it is with all other mammals.

 

As a consequence of this fact, any time two young people are alone together, only their respective will powers will stop a sexual encounter.

 

Women tend to have a much higher will power than men do, but, they too are subject to "letting go."

 

This example will highlight the physical/biological difficulty that men have in resisting the instinctual urge to reproduce:

 

You are in your hotel room, watching TV, resting ahead of a big business meeting the next day. The door knocks and a female voice claims to be room service. You open the door and the woman pushes the cart in as the door closes behind her. Suddenly you notice that the woman is in fact Halle Berry, and she completely removes her clothing. She stands there naked and begs you to make love to her. She says she won't leave until you ravage her in every sex position known to mankind, and some that you plan to add to every known position.

 

She will NOT take no for an answer.

 

Studies have shown that %99.999 of males will give in to the biologically built-in drive to reproduce given a low risk situation.

 

Females will of course also be tempted to "give in" in similar circumstances, but studies have shown that approximately %30 of females will relinquish, whereas approximately %70 will successfully overcome the biological commands to reproduce.

 

So even for females the "give in" rate is substantially non-zero, although it is much lower for females than for males.

 

These same studies have shown that marital status is irrelevant, although in the case of females, the fact that there is a societal taboo against infidelity increases the likelihood of giving in primarily because of the taboo. This implies that if the taboo did not exist that females would be LESS LIKELY to succumb. This is generally counter-intuitive to male belief systems, but females are generally not surprised that this is a factor in female infidelity.

 

So, do you now see why your fiance sees your male BF as a threat? It is all biology based, it has nothing to do with mistrust.

Edited July 17, 2016 by allessior
Spelling, grammar, syntax

[Hermus]

You are getting very close to blaming the victim. Let's see, you and I are living in the same house and I am considering marrying you. My house is under 24 / 7 monitoring inside and out, so I can check up on things via the net (actually it is and I once caught my dog pooping in the kitchen and then eating it to cover his tracks, yeah, I know, gross). I see you coming home early one day, with a man I recognize from old pics as a previous BF of yours. You settle down on the sofa next to him. Then before the visit begins, you remember the video camera and turn it off. You turn it back on 4 hours later. When I ask what transpired during those 4 hours, you get upset, accuse me of trying to control you , claim I think you are my possession, tell me that what you did was none of my business, and then insinuate that by blaming you for having an affair, I am actually having one at work with the secretary and so I should just shut up and let you do your thing because you are a grown up girl... yep, it is all my fault. It will also be my fault when I break up with up and throw you out of my house...

 

You forget one really important question about what happens before the video camera is turned off. Why monitor what goes on in your house in the first place? Putting up those camera's is quite extreme controlling behaviour. And in the end it only gives a false sense of control. If someone wants to cheat they cheat. In my experience trust is a much better way to keep a relationship healthy and prevent cheating than trying to control.

[kathy_d]

Thank you for all the replies, but apparently there are still some misconceptions.

 

 

Look, I’m not interested in Troy. We never ‘dated’ and we never will. We got drunk a few times at parties and messed around a little bit, but at some point we passed the point of ‘are we compatible as a bf and gf’ and the answer was ‘no’ for both of us. Yes we were close, but we never dated and I feel that we’ve lost that ‘moment’ forever. So I am not ‘stringing my bf along’ nor am I a ‘black widow spider’! (that metaphor cracked me up )

 

 

Bubba, I’m not entirely convinced that I should just tell Rick about my past relationship with Troy. I’m not sure just blurting everything out would give him any peace. I think it would just make him more uncomfortable, and it would make me uncomfortable as well. We already broached the topic of past relationships and flings and both of us were bit dodgy about it, so I never pushed that subject any further. I’m hoping we can cross that bridge later, when the waters are more calm.

 

 

So, do you now see why your fiance sees your male BF as a threat? It is all biology based, it has nothing to do with mistrust.

Yes, allessior, I understand. I would also be jealous and probably feel a bit threatened if I was in my bf’s shoes, but the fooling around happened 3 years ago and I’ve made it clear to him that I only hang out with my guy friend for schoolwork or coffee. I would think that he would trust that I would not allow anything to happen even if my friend DID try anything, which btw he wouldn’t. It’s not like I’m a drunken slut who can’t control myself around a guy friend, but when my bf doesn’t trust me that is how he makes me feel.

 

 

 

I have even tried to compromise by scaling back the amount of time I spend with my friend since he was in a relationship. We only spend around 2-3 days a week hanging out and most of the time it is for schoolwork and coffee, and of course on the weekends when my bf is here I only text him so that can I devote myself entirely to my bf. I was kind of hoping that all of this would convince my bf to trust me, even if he doesn’t/shouldn’t trust my friend.

 

You forget one really important question about what happens before the video camera is turned off. Why monitor what goes on in your house in the first place? Putting up those camera's is quite extreme controlling behaviour. And in the end it only gives a false sense of control. If someone wants to cheat they cheat. In my experience trust is a much better way to keep a relationship healthy and prevent cheating than trying to control.

Thank you, Hermus! I’m going to cut and paste that to my bf. That is exactly what I try to tell him, but he doesn’t see it that way. Maybe seeing it from another guy will have more of an impact.

 

 

Btw, I confronted my ‘friend’ about her saying stuff to my bf and let’s just say it was…. interesting. But at least it didn’t get physical.

[Timshel]

You forget one really important question about what happens before the video camera is turned off. Why monitor what goes on in your house in the first place? Putting up those camera's is quite extreme controlling behaviour. And in the end it only gives a false sense of control. If someone wants to cheat they cheat. In my experience trust is a much better way to keep a relationship healthy and prevent cheating than trying to control.

 

Meh, it's his house. The cameras were there before she moved in. Lot's of people have them for security purposes.

 

Youtube would die without those pesky cameras.

 

OP is 20....so....

[Clay]

I really don't know how you can't see that you have a thing for your friend. Just the way you talk about him really shows it. Your right. You have the choice to tell your boyfriend or not tell him. The thing you wont have a choice about is his feelings once he learns you willingly lied or omitted this information about your friend. He will feel betrayed and played like a fool. You will have successfully killed your relationship or your friendship. See you keep saying you have no feelings for your friend and honestly I think only person your really trying to convince is your self. If you really had no feelings then telling your boyfriend about the past would not even be a question. You would do it and move on with life. The only thing your doing now is protecting your connection to your friend even at your boyfriends expense.

 

I think if you would really take a step back and look you would see what others are noticing. There is nothing wrong with liking your friend but you have to be honest with your self and your boyfriend. He deserves the chance to move on if your not wiling to address this situation in a mature way.

 

Hopefully this friend who was talking to your boyfriend will help him see the truth about you.

 

C

[bubbaganoosh]

 

Bubba, I’m not entirely convinced that I should just tell Rick about my past relationship with Troy. I’m not sure just blurting everything out would give him any peace. I think it would just make him more uncomfortable, and it would make me uncomfortable as well. We already broached the topic of past relationships and flings and both of us were bit dodgy about it, so I never pushed that subject any further. I’m hoping we can cross that bridge later, when the waters are more calm.

 

The longer you wait the bigger the doubt. It comes down to being honest and putting it all on the table. Once it's out there then it can be dealt with.

 

The mind can play funny tricks on anyone. Once you start assuming and wondering if there's something wrong then the lines get blurred and reality gets mixed up with what is real and what isn't.

 

Then when the truth is finally put out there, the seed of doubt went from a seed to a tree and then anything you say will be met with speculation. In other words there will be no relationship so you do what you want and when the $h!t hits the fan, then you wont have a leg to stand on and your getting a ton of people here that have "been there and done that" and your not listening.

[kgcolonel]

one interesting twist in your story Kathy_d....initially you said that he had video cameras that you disabled inside his house that you moved into with him....that being said, but recently you stated that the video monitoring was for the front and back of the house (ref line 43)....a much more reasonable and common measure for safety.

 

So, the only privacy that you could claim that was being violated is the identity, frequency, duration and times that you may be entertaining visitors.....that is really shady IMO...

[VeveCakes]

Denial... it ain't just a river in Egypt :|

[Poutrew]

If everything is all peaches, unicorns, and cotton candy, in Kathy_d's life I invite her to show boyfriend this series of posts on love shack. He should have no problem agreeing with her that we are all being so unnecessarily reactionary...right? All she has to do to put us in our place is to let BF read the posts...wanna bet that is never going to happen?

[DKT3]

When one wants their cake and eat it too, it's key to maintain status quo. So Kathy has to live in denial. Like most people that find themselves in affairs or relationship outside the primary, plausible deniability is a must. "I never meant for this to happen" all the while cultivating the very dangerous friendship and has emotional entanglement and sexual attraction....only a matter of time.

 

Being 20 is no excuse not to do the right things.

[usa1ah]

Ok, I understand why your bf has a problem with your guy friend. You are giving off signals you like him, a lot. The "purrfect body" comment just adds weight that it is true. You having to hide your true relationship with your guy friend by telling him to tone it down between the two of you. Then have to get him to be more loving with his date. Your are in love with your guy friend. You are critical of who he is dating also have to justify spending time with him. Stop string your bf along.

 

Is it not his house. You have done something to make him suspicious of your actions. Yes he has a right to know who you are bringing into his home sense he is away most of the time. Camera a bit to far but you did something to cause it. I trusted my wife completely for eight years until she did something to bring attention to it. She did not cheat but lied to me about somethings going on.

 

Sorry it just looks like you are using your bf for a place to live and hang out with your friends.

[doble]

Denial... it ain't just a river in Egypt :|

 

That is so true, so very very true.

 

But if she shows Rick these posts, there ain't no denying, and he will be a flying.

[BeholdtheMan]

 

 

So I think what you are all saying is that it is normal for guys to feel threatened by close friends of the opposite sex.

 

How would you feel about the situation if it were reversed?

 

I think at 20...you're no so young that you're unable to put yourself in another person's shoes

[ExpatInItaly]

I've read the thread and this is what I take from it, OP:

 

-You have a crush on your friend, and you like his attention

 

-You are lying by omission to your boyfriend

 

-You have very weak boundaries and a self-serving attitude towards this entire situation

 

-You are incredibly foolish to assume your boyfriend will never find out the truth about your history with Troy. Troy himself will probably allude to it at some point. Why? Because then your boyfriend will dump you and Troy can have a shot. If you think this isn't possible, you are more naive than you initially come across.

 

-You are seriously playing with fire by hiding the truth from your boyfriend while at the same time encouraging a friendship between him and your former make-out/flirting buddy.

 

-Your friend who passed on the information to your boyfriend isn't to blame.

 

-This might be your first serious relationship, but in all probability (especially given the way you have handled this situation) it will not be your last.

Edited July 20, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[Poutrew]

So Kathy, how are things going? Has the situation blown up on you yet?

[kathy_d]

Actually, everything is going fine. Sorry I couldn’t give an update till now but I’ve been really busy lately.

 

My bf now understands that Troy and I are just good friends with a shared history, and he apologized to me for not trusting me and for believing all the crap my friend was telling him. Apparently she was saying things like I was ‘all over him’ or we were ‘all over each other’ all the time. Basically from the way it sounded she was trying to give him the false impression that we had the hots for each other and couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I already knew she liked Troy and was jealous of us, so it didn’t really surprise me that she might lie like that, but I was still disappointed. I was also disappointed that my bf would believe her. But he said he didn’t know what to think at first, and that he really didn’t believe her, but it made him wonder enough to start snooping.

 

And yes, he did admit to snooping, as I expected. I’m still pretty mad about it, but he promised to never ever do it again so I will do my best to forgive him. Plus, I can understand his actions to some extent since I admit that I was hesitant to tell him anything about me and my friend. I should have been more honest right from the beginning, but I didn’t feel comfortable because of how he was pressing me.

 

So yeah, one of our neighbors was keeping tabs on me, and my bf got jealous. He told me he didn’t like how often he came over and he didn’t like us hanging out together alone. But he said that now that he’s got to know the situation better it doesn’t bother him that much, but that he was still a bit uncomfortable with it.

 

I appreciated his honesty and I apologized for not being more considerate (after berating him for the snooping of course ). I told him that I didn’t realize how that might look because I never really thought about it. I also admitted that since I knew nothing was or would go on between me and Troy, I figured that what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. But now I realized that that was inconsiderate, and I promised him that I would scale back on the amount of time I hang out with Troy, especially now that he has a gf. However, I also told him that if he had not been having our neighbor snoop no misunderstandings could have happened in the first place!

 

So basically I agreed to cut back on my time with my Troy and he agreed to trust me and not snoop anymore. I don’t know, but I guess it all worked out?

[DKT3]

Good luck,

 

However this isn't over, you lack boundaries and empathy. It's was those two issue beyond what your friend told him that created the problem. Without those things he would had no reason to believe your friend or ask his neighbor to keep an eye on things.

 

As least you say you understand how your actions played a part, but honestly, your actions were the major contributor, not what the friend said or his snooping. As with everything people who have nothing to hide hide nothing. And you hide alot making it appear that you were guilty.

 

Good money still says you have a crush on the friend, if not you would have never allowed it to be this big of an issue.

 

Him agreeing to trust you comes with the caveat of you being trustworthy.

Edited July 23, 2016 by DKT3

[Bichunmoo]

Is there a reason you need to have this "friend" in your life? Ask yourself is he more important than your future husband? Because if I was in your situation. I'd leave this "friend" and be with your man. Sounds like he really loves you and cares about the relationship. That's honestly very rare to find. I wouldn't mess it up if I were you. As for that whole occurrence with the cameras. Yes it sounds like your cheating so he has the right. The simple thing to do is to stop being friends with your "friend" and focus on your hubby. The harder thing to do would be to convince your boyfriend you guys are really JUST friends. Take them both out to dinner or something. Spend time with all 3 of you. It would be much easier if your hubby were suddenly friends with him also then he would accept it much more lightly. If he truly sees that you guys are just friend then he would absolutely accept it. Outings like this would help your situation immensely.

[Try]

I promised him that I would scale back on the amount of time I hang out with Troy, especially now that he has a gf.

You promising that you would cut back on the amount of time that you "hang out with Troy, especially now that he has a gf", shows that you cutting back is not all because of your boyfriends feelings, and leaves the door open for you to ramp it up with Troy if he breaks up with his current girlfriend. Also, how does it make sense to your boy friend that you will spend more time with Troy if he is single than if he has a girl friend? It does not make sense to him, but he is saying what he has to to keep you. Additionally, you got your boy friend to stop snooping and to trust your relationship with Troy, but you got him to agree to this while not telling him the truth about your past with Troy. You therefor are still lying to him by omission and are thus not trustworthy. You have your boy friend's b@lls in a jar, so you do not respect him or his feelings. That is on him for letting you do this. If he posted on this site, we would educate him that without mutual respect, you do not really have a relationship worth having. Both of you lose is such a relationship.

[salparadise]

Your relationship with Troy is at the expense of your primary relationship. This thread itself enumerates that fact. There are fundamental awarenesses regarding the nature of men and women that you are in complete denial about. Your attitude is that the relationship with Troy need not affect your relationship with Rick in any way, yet you still withhold information and work the edges. You need to quit being defensive, rationalizing, and actually listen to what people are saying to you.

 

Opposite sex friendships are simply not equivalent to same sex friendships after puberty. Mature adults see it as a red flag when a dating partner has too many, or too close, opposite sex friends (and fewer same sex). It's not at all coincidental that you describe Troy as extremely attractive, because whether you admit it or not, sexual attraction is a big part of what makes him interesting to you (and you to him). If it weren't for the attraction it simply wouldn't be happening.

 

Someone spoke about empathy, but it wasn't you. Your only focus is getting what you want, getting your bf to acquiesce... having your cake and eating it too, so to speak. An emotionally intelligent person would actually tune into his FEELINGS and respect them, even if it means making compromises. You don't seem to have developed this capacity, and at 20 years old I'm somewhat doubtful that it's just a maturity issue. You should google the word "empathy" and see if you can relate to it, and put some focus on developing it.

 

Bottom line... if you continue to try and have close male relationships in addition to your primary relationships it's almost certainly going to result in turbulence in the primary relationships. Healthy, mature adults hold firm boundaries in this regard, and they do it naturally... not because of pressure or to avoid conflict. Healthy, mature adults have their sense of agreeableness linked directly to their partner's feelings through empathy. That's different than not feeling guilty about wanting what you want.

Edited July 25, 2016 by salparadise

[kathy_d]

Yes Sal, I understand. I put myself in my bf’s shoes and I would also get jealous if he spent a lot of time alone with a girl he fooled around with in the past. That is why I’m cutting back on the time I spend with my friend and on the weekends I will try to spend more quality time with my bf. In fact, unless we’re double dating again I’m going nc with Troy every weekend, just so I can be completely available for my bf when he’s here. I’m even going to try and cut down on the texting as well. So I do feel I am ‘compromising’, even tho I really want to spend more time with bf anyway. I love him very much :love: and I don’t want to do anything that hurts his feelings. But I also ‘love’ my guy friend (platonicly speaking of course, like a brother) and I don’t think a relationship is healthy if you have to completely cut important people out of your life forever in order to maintain it. Am I wrong on that? :confused:

 

 

 

And as far as withholding information is concerned, I already said that he has a right to know everything. But considering the situation I really don’t think this is the time to reveal everything yet. He is just now coming to accept that my friend is not a threat to our relationship. Telling him that long ago my friend and I got drunk a few times and did some things we now regret would just make things worse than ever. The timing isn’t right. Once enough time has gone by and I see that he has definitely accepted that Troy and I are completely platonic, I will tactfully explain it to him.

[CarrieT]

Telling him that long ago my friend and I got drunk a few times and did some things we now regret would just make things worse than ever. The timing isn’t right. Once enough time has gone by and I see that he has definitely accepted that Troy and I are completely platonic, I will tactfully explain it to him.

This is going to backfire on you in a catastrophic way that you don't even see yet.

 

He is already struggling with this and to find out LATER that you withheld information from him about what really happened could cause the end of the relationship.

 

If I found out my partner lied to me (and a lie of omission is still a lie!) on this scale, I wouldn't continue the relationship.

[Weezy1973]

I actually think the OP only being 20 is relevant here. She is learning still how to be in a healthy adult relationship. This is all part of learning - it's possible she didn't have a healthy relationship model growing up so these things don't come naturally to her. She has to learn.

 

That being said, relationships are built on trust, and complete openness and honesty is the gateway to building that trust. So no lies of omission. Just tell him. If he dumps you, he dumps you.

[DKT3]

I actually think the OP only being 20 is relevant here. She is learning still how to be in a healthy adult relationship. This is all part of learning - it's possible she didn't have a healthy relationship model growing up so these things don't come naturally to her. She has to learn.

 

That being said, relationships are built on trust, and complete openness and honesty is the gateway to building that trust. So no lies of omission. Just tell him. If he dumps you, he dumps you.

 

Being 20 means she lacks life experiences, but being 20 doesn't mean you should lack boundaries and honesty.

 

Kathy is and has been manipulating her boyfriend, really gaslighting him. Holding back truth and honesty that would allow her bf equal say in his life and this relationship. Now she what's to control information that could change the dynamic of this relationship. Why? Because she knows being honest will force her to choose between her bf and her crush aka friend.

 

She knows it's not above broad, which is why she threw out the "it's not healthy to cut out friends".

 

Kathy listen, there are friends then there are friends that are counterproductive to having a healthy fulfilling life. Troy is more aware of what's going on in your relationships then is your bf. That isn't healthy, and a true friend would step aside if they knew they were a source of tension in your life.

[frus69]

just wait till they have a big fight or their relationship hits a rough patch, 100% she will turn to Troy for emotional support and cheating is on the way.