How to prevent Co-Dependency / Self-Destructive Behaviors

[MLP11]

Hi Everyone,

 

I know there is a ton of literature online about this but I wanted to get your opinion. I am definitely someone who is over-analytical (been told this before) and I think might lead to me having some co-dependent behaviors. I also un-consciously get upset about the smallest things to either start a fight or end a relationship when it may be completely unwarranted. For example, the girl I am dating is in Europe and we have not communicated that much (she is in Europe traveling for several weeks) and I make a huge deal of this in my mind when it shouldn't be. I seem to have re-occurring thoughts about why she does this and then come to the conclusion that she doesn't care about me. This frustrates me and both her and I really want to find way to find my triggers and not things like this effect my life so much.

 

I want to not let the small things bother me and live a happier and more positive life. For reference I am 26 year old, work full time and also attend graduate school part time.

 

I hope you all can be kind (as sometimes people here aren't lol) and help me find some coping mechanisms that would improve my life. Thanks so much

[Trinity_84]

My only suggestions, since I actually have the same issue, is to learn to recognize what triggers your anxiety or these bad situations.

 

When you start recognizing them or feel them coming, you can calm down by doing some slow breathing, meditation or just simply bringing your mind back to the present moment: look around, feel the textures, smells, etc.

Be mindful of the present moment...when you feel like your mind starts to drift off into this fantasy land that's creating mountains out of molehills.

 

It's tough but it CAN be done and it helps Good luck.

 

ps: I just read The Power of Now and it really help put a lot of things in perspective. I recommend it

[bummer]

Cultivate independence and boundaries by starting to not give so many f uvks what others say and do. Listen to yourself more. Learn how to say no and learn how to accept rejection.

 

And read the power of now. It's legit.

[MLP11]

My only suggestions, since I actually have the same issue, is to learn to recognize what triggers your anxiety or these bad situations.

 

When you start recognizing them or feel them coming, you can calm down by doing some slow breathing, meditation or just simply bringing your mind back to the present moment: look around, feel the textures, smells, etc.

Be mindful of the present moment...when you feel like your mind starts to drift off into this fantasy land that's creating mountains out of molehills.

 

It's tough but it CAN be done and it helps Good luck.

 

ps: I just read The Power of Now and it really help put a lot of things in perspective. I recommend it

 

I think it's definitely related to communication. I almost have a pre determined amount she should be contacted me when abroad that I never discussed and when I find she doesn't contact me it sets of things in my head of, "she doesn't care about me", "she's cheating on me", etc. It's very exhausting and hard to put out of my mind when trying to work/do grad school.

 

Have you ever tried headspace? I'm thinking about trying meditation. I've been running like normal and it hasn't been able to calm my nerves either. So frustrating! Especially as a guy because I feel it demasculinates me

[Mr. Lucky]

I know there is a ton of literature online about this but I wanted to get your opinion. I am definitely someone who is over-analytical (been told this before) and I think might lead to me having some co-dependent behaviors.

 

Codependency typically means you're enabling poor choices and destructive behaviors in your partner. How does this apply to your situation ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[MLP11]

Codependency typically means you're enabling poor choices and destructive behaviors in your partner. How does this apply to your situation ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think the major factor comes from communication or what I perceive to be a lack thereof.

 

I am not sure how to address my needs without coming off as needy or insecure. When building a new relationship I like to build a solid foundation and I believe that comes with solid and effective communication. She is much more introverted than I, and very shy, which can present to me challenges in developing that communication and foundation of a relationship.

 

We've been dating only for 3 months or so, so it is still very new.

[Bialy]

Things are very new. In many ways, it's a good thing she's going on this European trip now. On the other hand, when you're new in a relationship and figuring things out, a long trip can feed insecurities.

 

Don't be that person in her life who isn't supportive. Be happy! Tell her how you wish you were there. Tell her how awesome her photos are of the places she's visiting.

 

Whenever you feel negative stirrings, don't contact her. Blow off some steam, exercise, hang with friends, etc. She's on a trip. Be positive. Look forward to when she returns.

 

You want her to miss you, NOT regret coming back because of any negativity.

[MLP11]

Things are very new. In many ways, it's a good thing she's going on this European trip now. On the other hand, when you're new in a relationship and figuring things out, a long trip can feed insecurities.

 

Don't be that person in her life who isn't supportive. Be happy! Tell her how you wish you were there. Tell her how awesome her photos are of the places she's visiting.

 

Whenever you feel negative stirrings, don't contact her. Blow off some steam, exercise, hang with friends, etc. She's on a trip. Be positive. Look forward to when she returns.

 

You want her to miss you, NOT regret coming back because of any negativity.

 

Out of curiosity, why do you think it's a good thing she is going on this trip now?

 

Very true, I will try to focus on the positives in the few times that I do hear from her

[CatDog80]

I have the same problem. I think too much, have expectations of others behaviors and make a big deal of a little thing that doesn't match their behavior with my expectations.

 

One thing I noticed that makes it worse is having too much time and ease of access to be able to communicate with someone. So it seems like if it's so easy for you, then why aren't they doing it? But then I have had times where I am really busy and time just flies by, so I don't even realize that I didn't get back to someone for a few days. Most of us have some sort of mismatch in the need and availability to communicate.

 

You would be better of finding some more ways to keep busy. Go hang out with friends more or get involved with some activities to make the time go by faster.

[Bialy]

Out of curiosity, why do you think it's a good thing she is going on this trip now?

 

Because things are very new. If this was one or two years into a relationship, and she was going on a trip for several weeks, I'd imagine it would feel even worse to have her away so long and not be able to experience the trip with her - especially after establishing a relationship that is over a year old. You'd have a connection by that point.

 

Since things are very fresh, this is a great opportunity for you to take a breather from any seriousness. Be a positive person, send subtle reminders that she's missed, and see how things shape up. A good reaction after this long trip might be that she returns or tells you along the way, "I wish you were here" or "Maybe one day we can travel together."