airbus Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Hi, This evening I was discussing a few things with my g/f as I noticed she has seemed quite reserved and distanced lately. I asked her if maybe shes not falling for me because I live so far away, and she agreed that is what the problem is. She went on and said that she will cope with it though. I just wondered, do I have a reason to be concerned by this? I feel concerned, because it sounds like the distance is a big problem for her and I dont really want to lose her later on down the line as I am crazy about her now. We waited 4yrs to start a relationship, and I dont want that to be a wasted chance. I dont like the distance, but its not a problem for me because I love her to bits and I also believe that it won't always have to be like that with us. She told me this evening that I can be too predictable and that she believes thats why girls have hurt me in the past. She told me that I shouldnt text, or call or something like that, and that will provoke the g/f to do so. I couldn't quite understand why she was saying this to me. She has never called me (I always call her) and today she told me she doesnt see a point to us e-mailing anymore as we talk on msn, and I usually text her (because she never texts me until I text her) When I tried not doing those things, she told me I seemed different and questioned whether I loved her or not. So I don't understand. I don't really want to play them types of games. I just want a relationship that has commitment in it. I don't really want to play games as such. I just feel that i'm carrying the relationship as I make all the calls...etc i'm constantly assuring her that I love her with all my heart, but she rarely says such nice things back (though she does say love you) and never says anything spontanious, in a romantic sense. I dont want to keep going on at her about all our problems because I know she will start to detattach her self and the relationship will fail, but I just need to feel safe and loved, if she did that I would feel so much happier than I do now. Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyann Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 How long have you ever gone without the communication between the two of you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author airbus Posted June 29, 2005 Author Share Posted June 29, 2005 Why do you ask? Last week was hard going as her computer wasnt working so we couldn't talk, but I called her each evening though. The weekends we have very limited contact (sometimes no contact at all, like saturday and sunday just gone) as shes out clubbing on saturday and stays at her friends house on the sunday, and she didnt have credit this weekend neither. Link to post Share on other sites
Israfil Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by airbus She told me this evening that I can be too predictable and that she believes thats why girls have hurt me in the past. She told me that I shouldnt text, or call or something like that, and that will provoke the g/f to do so. I couldn't quite understand why she was saying this to me. She has never called me (I always call her) and today she told me she doesnt see a point to us e-mailing anymore as we talk on msn, and I usually text her (because she never texts me until I text her) When I tried not doing those things, she told me I seemed different and questioned whether I loved her or not. So I don't understand. I don't really want to play them types of games. I just want a relationship that has commitment in it. I don't really want to play games as such. What she is really saying is, “back off” and “make me want you”. The more you put yourself out for her, and the needier you make yourself, the less she will be interested. I know this sounds ridiculous, buts sadly its human nature, for a lot of people. (ALPHAMALE is the king of this theory). I just feel that i'm carrying the relationship as I make all the calls...etc i'm constantly assuring her that I love her with all my heart, but she rarely says such nice things back (though she does say love you) and never says anything spontanious, in a romantic sense. So why do you continue? You are just shooting yourself in the foot. And why would you put yourself out there for someone who does not value you as much as you value her? I dont want to keep going on at her about all our problems because I know she will start to detattach her self and the relationship will fail, but I just need to feel safe and loved, if she did that I would feel so much happier than I do now. She is already detaching. And you will never feel safe and happy unless you feel an equal reciprocation. Don’t settle for less than you deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by airbus I asked her if maybe shes not falling for me because I live so far away, and she agreed that is what the problem is. Originally posted by airbus She told me this evening that I can be too predictable and that she believes thats why girls have hurt me in the past. She told me that I shouldnt text, or call or something like that, and that will provoke the g/f to do so. I couldn't quite understand why she was saying this to me. Originally posted by airbus I just feel that i'm carrying the relationship as I make all the calls...etc i'm constantly assuring her that I love her with all my heart, but she rarely says such nice things back (though she does say love you) and never says anything spontanious, in a romantic sense. Originally posted by airbus shes out clubbing on saturday and stays at her friends house on the sunday, and she didnt have credit this weekend neither. She is telling you that you are dull, predictable, too nice, and not providing enough excitement to her. Part of that is the distance, part of it is that you've become an email pal. How are you going to compete with the dudes she's out clubbing with (that's a different story -- if you're comfortable with it, fine, but "clubbing" (as opposed to hanging in bars with her female friends) smacks of booze, drugs and boys (and most men in clubs assume a lone female is there to hook up. Your g/f would drop the clubs if she was into you). You need to figure out how to be less predictable (just don't call for a while). Stop reassuring her about your love. You're not getting anything for it anyway and she KNOWS you are wrapped around her finger. Lastly, get yourself your own clubbing scene, make some extra friends -- your g/f was giving you fair warning that things are sliding down. DO NOT navel gaze with her about the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
lvgrl Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 I dont care what girls say at all, WE DONT LIKE THE JERKS..But the jerks seem to be the only ones who back off and make us come to them..It gives us a challenge. I think you are making it to easy for her to be in a relationship with you, maybe you should do what she does, she will either get the hint and stop being this way towards you, or she will think you are one big a**h*** and end it.. But....Thats a chance you have to take cause if not your worse off now then what you would be. No, I dont like being with a jerk but I also dont like being with a guy who is TOO nice, someone who asks you every 5 minutes if you are ok, or if something is wrong..It just makes us think that you are crowding our space in an emotional way.. And dont show your emotional side so much to her if you do, dont let her see that what she says or does hurt you, make her figure it out and want to work it out or want to talk about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 You heard it from the horse's mouth right above. Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyann Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 I asked how often you communicate, because that could be the problem. Have you thought that maybe you should let some time go by and not communicate with her? I would do this to see how long it takes before she communicates with you. Link to post Share on other sites
balletgirl Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Hey there airbus.... Ok , well I see that your g/f has been feeling kind of smothered? (might be a good word for it)... The weird thing with women is that as much as we want someone who is crazy for us, we also want a little bit of us wanting them. SO, i think what she is trying to say, is that perhaps she wants you to be somewhat inaccessible (if that makes any sense).. I think that she wants to know that you have a life outside of talking to her... When you talk to her and she tells you what she is doing, how do you feel? ARe you genuinely happy that she is out having fun, or are you kind of sad that she isnt moping around cuz you arent there? If you are genuinely happy that she is happy and having fun, then i guarantee that she will get the idea that you are Ok with her going out and you are going out too.. You each have a life outside the relationship, which is a very good thing, (especially since you havent ever lived together, right?) She will know that it is Ok to be having fun, and that you still love her... See what i mean? It is good that you dont talk to her everyday, it is probably better.. Every night is fine, maybe just stay away from the texting during the day, just call at night, once, and email isnt really necessary unless you cant use the phone.. JUst give her some space.. SHe might just be feeling a bit caged in, that is all.. But dont give up.. And make sure that you are having fun of your own.. It will make her somewhat jealous, if you cant talk to her one night, and it will keep the suspense. Good luck and let us know how it is going!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
lvgrl Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Actually, I was reading over all of the posts, and I would tell her..I would just say hey..you know what, I feel like I have maybe been up your ass a little too much, and im going to back off. I want to give you the space thats going to make you happy but us still have a normal relationship. Just cut the crap and flat out tell her. Cause sometimes guys trying to figure out whats wrong with us, sends us mixed signals, or gets us confused.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author airbus Posted June 30, 2005 Author Share Posted June 30, 2005 Hi Thanks for the replies.. This is the awkward thing. If I was to spend abit of time away, eg, not coming online for an evening, she would make sure she did the same thing a few days later, a kinda 'tit for tat' sort of thing. I will give it some thought. I must addmit, she did worry and miss me alot when I went to London a few weeks ago to visit my dad. I am going again in a few weeks time aswell. How do I make myself a little bit more inaccessable? After i've been mailing her, calling her...etc if I slowed down on these aspects would she not pick up on this and maybe think i'm not interested anymore? Thanks so far for the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyann Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Could you only use one method of communication a day? I. E. - text, IM, phone, or e-mail. I think that you need to make yourself alittle less available to her. I don't always pick the phone up when my LDR calls. However, I call him back within a certain amount of time. I do not like for him to think that I am "always there". I know that you may not agree with this, but I know quite a few females who do this to. Just see if she communcates will you first. She might do it later on, but you don't want her to think that she has you in the palm of her hand. If you think she will "wonder" with less communcation, always end with how you love her and care about her. Try to gain the control of your relationship with letting her think that she has - chase her. LDR are VERY hard. How far are the two of you? I am 5 hours. It is rough. Good Luck! Lilyann Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by airbus Hi Thanks for the replies.. This is the awkward thing. If I was to spend abit of time away, eg, not coming online for an evening, she would make sure she did the same thing a few days later, a kinda 'tit for tat' sort of thing. I will give it some thought. I must addmit, she did worry and miss me alot when I went to London a few weeks ago to visit my dad. I am going again in a few weeks time aswell. How do I make myself a little bit more inaccessable? After i've been mailing her, calling her...etc if I slowed down on these aspects would she not pick up on this and maybe think i'm not interested anymore? Thanks so far for the advice. As to the tit for tat, you're not doing it to manipulate her. You're doing it because it pleases you, ou have something better to do, whatever -- you're a man, and that's reason enough for anyone. You just need to do what you want to do and who cares if she backs off too? Link to post Share on other sites
Author airbus Posted July 2, 2005 Author Share Posted July 2, 2005 If she ended up backing off even more, then the objective of your advice would have failed. Last night was an interesting night for us though. She first of all came up saying we don't really need to text anymore (I havent even text her in days as shes got no credit) and I said 'so you dont wanna e-mail, you don't wanna text, you don't want to hear from me on the weekends, whats next?' Anyway, after she went offline, I think she must have had some thinking time because as I was about to go offline and go to bed, I got a e-mail come through from her. She mentioned her sis had upset her, but she said that she was sorry for the way she has been with me and said that I am a lovely lad who deserves the very best. She also said that when shes out on the weekend she thinks of me. She also said that texting wasnt a problem. I signed in on msn hoping she would still be on, and she signed in too. We talked and things seemed really nice. Like we were going back to how we were before, not fully, but getting there. So i'm not sure, lately I havent been too, erm, forward with her. I've been abit more reserved. Could she have possibly picked up on this? What could have changed in that hour that she went offline? Will it continue to last? Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyann Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 I am glad that things are looking up for you. After your convo she could have thought about what the two of you spoke about. She could have formed an opinion on the discussion or had a relavation about something - which appears to be what happened. I do not know how long things will be better or if they will last. Remember to just take one day at a time. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author airbus Posted July 5, 2005 Author Share Posted July 5, 2005 Hey Just thought i'd let you know me and my g/f seem to be getting on alot better now. Shes been abit down lately and has only just started to talk about how she is feeling. Thanks very much for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
lvgrl Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Good for you. Glad things are turning around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author airbus Posted July 6, 2005 Author Share Posted July 6, 2005 Ah thanks very much! Although yesterday seemed abit like a setback. Thanks for your help though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author airbus Posted July 7, 2005 Author Share Posted July 7, 2005 Ah she just didn't seem very interested, might have just been me I suppose. Yesterday she came home from her friends house drunk, came online and told me how she loves everyone. She then told me she was going offline for the night, so I went too, only to get a text from her 2hrs later saying 'Why are you f**king ignoring me! I can't take much more of this, men are always messing me around!' I don't even know what she was on about and I asked her in a text to go online and we could talk and she just said that she was feeling down, in bed and therefore couldn't come online. Link to post Share on other sites
lvgrl Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Oh...well you gotta love the drunk ones..heh, Im sure it will be okay, and when you tell her that she was a tad of a bitch to you when she was drunk, that might change something.. I dunno, good luck though! Link to post Share on other sites
Author airbus Posted July 7, 2005 Author Share Posted July 7, 2005 lol Nope, shes still putting the blame on me. Oh well. Thanks for your help! Link to post Share on other sites
lvgrl Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Sounds like you got a winner Link to post Share on other sites
Author airbus Posted July 7, 2005 Author Share Posted July 7, 2005 A winner, when shes consistantly pinning the blame on me? lol I've been contemplating on ending things with her lately, i'm not sure though. Sometimes I want to, sometimes I don't. Link to post Share on other sites
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