[Advice required regarding my MOW's behaviour]

[DazedandConfusedNow]

Advice required regarding my MOW's behaviour, and what I should do next..

 

It started as a cliche - re-connecting with an old friend from university on FB 7 years ago, both married with children, quickly becoming and EA and then 2 years ago something physical. Planning futures together when the kids were older. Talking every day, meeting weekly, evening managing a holiday together aligning business trips.

 

Her losing her father in February. Shutting off. 5 months talking less, her telling me she's not in love with me anymore, telling me we're over, but still occasionally meeting, having sex. Indifferent. Distant in between. Colder, guarded.

 

Do you think its the death of her father, or our being over? If the latter, why still "keep me around"? Do you think she wants me to stay and be there for her, or do you think she wants me to end it?

[Adoraxx]

Advice required regarding my MOW's behaviour, and what I should do next..

 

It started as a cliche - re-connecting with an old friend from university on FB 7 years ago, both married with children, quickly becoming and EA and then 2 years ago something physical. Planning futures together when the kids were older. Talking every day, meeting weekly, evening managing a holiday together aligning business trips.

 

Her losing her father in February. Shutting off. 5 months talking less, her telling me she's not in love with me anymore, telling me we're over, but still occasionally meeting, having sex. Indifferent. Distant in between. Colder, guarded.

 

Do you think its the death of her father, or our being over? If the latter, why still "keep me around"? Do you think she wants me to stay and be there for her, or do you think she wants me to end it?

 

Sounds to me that she just wants you for sex but only when she feels like it..........?

[BuddyX]

[]

The fact that your wasting this much time on the MOW while you have a wife and kids is disconcerting.

You know, this will not end well. I recommend you go NC.

Edited July 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~6

[burnt]

Do you think its the death of her father, or our being over? If the latter, why still "keep me around"? Do you think she wants me to stay and be there for her, or do you think she wants me to end it?

 

Answer to your question is: Both.

 

Usually a death of a loved one shakes our foundation but at the same time puts things into perspective and wakes us unto realize what is really important to us. Most likely, the death of her father brought back millions of innocent memories of her growing up as a child, and also all thoughts related to what it means to have a family, parents, what it means to grow old together with the ones you build a family with, etc. Which then logically leads to the next thought of "what do I want my children to remember when it's time for me to die? that I was a cheater and that I left my family for another cheater?". Hence, next step: GUILT.

 

Chances are, when her father died, her husband spent a lot of time soothing her for the loss; usually we form a very strong bond with the ones who comfort us at times of stress more than the ones who we have "fun" time with. Chances are losing her father and seeing her family there to support her made her want to rekindle and reconnect with how her marriage used to be years ago.

 

So, she has lost her emotional connection with you, but do realize once we build a relationship with another person, we cannot just cut ALL ties in a single day. She is done with you, but still has some lingering memories/emotions for you. So she is now purely USING you until all the residual emotions are completely dissipated.

 

This is how an affair partner who pulls away typically cuts the other person out.

 

Sorry, the person you were in LOVE with no longer exists. She is the same physical person, but the emotional one-ness that you two felt, the dreams you two imagined are all gone.

 

You are being used for sex by her. So, it's just a question of for how long you are willing to allow HER to torment you and then finally dispose of you indifferently.

 

So what should you do?

1. Say your FINAL goodbye. Cut all contact for good. NO MATTER how much she tries to lure you back in, don't fall for that. She may want to keep you around for a little longer until she is completely ready to dump you in her own terms; but yes, she wants this to be over and may actually want you to be the one to end it so that she doesn't have to.

 

option 2:

2. Ask her directly, as directly as you can phrase your questions about what her ACTUAL plans are going forward. Chances are she will try to evade the question which should confirm what I have written above. This may give you some closure about who she is now--not the person you thought you knew.

 

P.S. I'm xOW; the cold sudden change in your MOW that you describe is very similar to how my xMM changed. I know how much hurt you must feel and for that I'm sorry.

 

You are going to mourn for the person she WAS. But sorry to say that person is gone.

 

You don't have any option here.

As for your own marriage, that's a BIG question you now have to answer. If you are willing to put 100% of your energy to fixing your current marriage, then seek the help of counseling; otherwise, you should separate and hopefully one day will have the chance to start a CLEAN relationship with another person.

[DazedandConfusedNow]

Answer to your question is: Both.

 

Chances are, when her father died, her husband spent a lot of time soothing her for the loss; usually we form a very strong bond with the ones who comfort us at times of stress more than the ones who we have "fun" time with. Chances are losing her father and seeing her family there to support her made her want to rekindle and reconnect with how her marriage used to be years ago.

 

So, she has lost her emotional connection with you, but do realize once we build a relationship with another person, we cannot just cut ALL ties in a single day. She is done with you, but still has some lingering memories/emotions for you. So she is now purely USING you until all the residual emotions are completely dissipated.

 

You are being used for sex by her. So, it's just a question of for how long you are willing to allow HER to torment you and then finally dispose of you indifferently.

 

 

I suspect you're right about her father's death putting her own life into perspective.

 

Who would think I'd be so upset about being used for sex that I'd register / post to a relationship site! The teenage me would be furious with myself!

 

I did ask her the question when we last met - she said she loves me, is attracted to me, but just doesn't feel that same "in love" want and desire for me or anyone. She doesn't know why, or whether things will return to normal or not. Damn false hope!

 

I'm guessing her husband is in the same boat as I am, the last time we met she said she was frustrated with his demanding time / intimacy. I think she's closed off completely and focussing on herself - there's been new clothes, new hair, almost an arrogance / confidence, and enjoyment of superficial things rather than anything real.

 

I should end things before she does, for my own sanity. However there's also a part of me that doesn't want to "leave" someone who might be hurt / broken?

[whichwayisup]

Why do you feel such a responsibility towards her? Your A has to end and her issues shouldn't stop you from ending it. It's very doubtful you two will ride off into the sunset together.

 

You seem just as broken as she is. You're cheating and betraying your wife, betraying your family unit as your focus is elsewhere and you're not invested in your wife emotionally, you've detached and putting way too much effort into someone else.

[carhill]

Do you think its the death of her father,

More likely, if the change began after his death. Mortality and the loss of a loved one can affect emotions, and usually do, and for a woman that stuff can be all wired together.

or our being over?

Comparatively, not as likely. However, affairs are generally unpredictable at the individual level because people are, well, individuals and unique.

If the latter, why still "keep me around"?

She likes that you like her and it helps her with her feelings. That's one potential. Another is she still has remnants of attraction and attachment and that's why the more disconnected sex.

Do you think she wants me to stay and be there for her, or do you think she wants me to end it?

Hard to know, can't read her mind. What do you want? If minds don't meet on that, delete.

 

IME, this stuff can drag on for as long as you let it and, one day, often without provocation, discussion or warning, poof, gone, like a hole in the water. If you're OK with that, proceed. After BTDT, personally I'm enjoying a marked period of peace. What remains is if you're OK with the lack of intrigue and suspense all this stuff brings. Some folks are and some aren't. Go with your own style.

[BuddyX]

Wow, what a bunch of crock she's feeding you. She's down and depressed due to the death but there's a confident and arrogance about her. Umm No.

 

You can do all of the characteristics she described with out cheating. She chose to be a cheater. As did you.

 

It's not your job to save her. She's a big girl she can take care of herself. You're just looking for a different answer from the LS community. Which you're not going to get. I think you noticed, we put Monogamy at a high pedestal.

 

Take care of your wife and kids.

[loveisanaction]

I suspect you're right about her father's death putting her own life into perspective.

 

Who would think I'd be so upset about being used for sex that I'd register / post to a relationship site! The teenage me would be furious with myself!

 

I did ask her the question when we last met - she said she loves me, is attracted to me, but just doesn't feel that same "in love" want and desire for me or anyone. She doesn't know why, or whether things will return to normal or not. Damn false hope!

 

I'm guessing her husband is in the same boat as I am, the last time we met she said she was frustrated with his demanding time / intimacy. I think she's closed off completely and focussing on herself - there's been new clothes, new hair, almost an arrogance / confidence, and enjoyment of superficial things rather than anything real.

 

I should end things before she does, for my own sanity. However there's also a part of me that doesn't want to "leave" someone who might be hurt / broken?

 

First of all, Her husband is not in the same boat as you, he is family, the man she married and has children for. You are an outsider looking in, you are not in the same boat as her husband.

 

Secondly she said it right there that she loves you but is not in love with you. So, she has pretty much informed you of how she feels about you. You are not listening to her. You are hearing what YOU want to hear not what she is telling you.

 

Thirdly, it is not your job to comfort her when she is hurting. That is her husband's job; allow him to do it.

 

You are here worrying about a woman who is legally married to another man yet at home you have one that you are legally married to.

 

Who is worrying about her? Who is taking care of her? Who is loving her?

 

You are ignoring the biggest factors in this whole scenario! You are married and so is your affair partner; everything else is play dough.

Edited July 13, 2016 by loveisanaction

[burnt]

I think she's closed off completely and focussing on herself - there's been new clothes, new hair, almost an arrogance / confidence, and enjoyment of superficial things rather than anything real.

 

And that's yet another 'proof' that she's done with you. Those behaviors of her are extremely typical of MMs or MWs when they are trying actively to pull the plug on the affair. The highs they used to get off the OW/OM now needs to be replaced by other 'distractions' or self-pampering sources. So the affair person gets replaced by non-person materialistic self-indulgence.

 

In the case of my xMM it was buying and enjoying a very expensive new car and loads of new clothing. The shopping became the new drug of choice.

So in your MOW's case, trying to make herself feel "special" by focusing on shining her appearance is a good way to get what she used to get from you.

 

I should end things before she does, for my own sanity. However there's also a part of me that doesn't want to "leave" someone who might be hurt / broken?

 

She is not going to be one getting hurt/broken if you end things with her. She is the one preparing to end things with you because she no longer has feelings for you.

 

You need to worry about how you are going to handle the break-up. She is clearly taking care of herself.

[DazedandConfusedNow]

And that's yet another 'proof' that she's done with you. Those behaviors of her are extremely typical of MMs or MWs when they are trying actively to pull the plug on the affair. The highs they used to get off the OW/OM now needs to be replaced by other 'distractions' or self-pampering sources. So the affair person gets replaced by non-person materialistic self-indulgence.

 

She is not going to be one getting hurt/broken if you end things with her. She is the one preparing to end things with you because she no longer has feelings for you.

 

You need to worry about how you are going to handle the break-up. She is clearly taking care of herself.

 

That makes a lot of sense. Its almost as if she's reinvented herself and yes, is clearly taking care of herself, and I know I need to do whats best for me but I don't want to lose her, even though I know deep down I have.

 

A lot of people have raised my marriage. That broke a long time ago, and my wife and I have agreed to stay together for the children until they are older. Though not an open relationship we're under no illusions about the reality of the situation.

 

And I suppose thats why I am upset. I don't know how I'm going to handle the break up - I suppose why I'm on here, because I have invested so much into her. She was the "next phase of my life".

[BuddyX]

If it's not an open marriage than you are still have an obligation to be a faithful husband.

What would happen if you told your wife about the OMW?

[Cherryz]

Hm, i thought you were so worried about your wife that you posted this topic.

 

Lets be honest affairs often never "just happen" there gos a period of flirting etc. and that you feel this is going wrong way. Some walk away and some continue and make it a affair.

 

Its clear that she is having just a affair with you.

But you trying to make it something special. And long life happiness.

 

She told you she dont want anymore, were you the one that kept texting her after she told you that?

 

Either-way , you know you married.And having affairs is wrong!

Dont matter with who where how and how many years or how beautiful, ALL AFFAIRS WILL END BAD!!!!!!!!!

You are a married man, stop this affair and go make things rigth with your wife get therapy for what ever issues there is if you cant figure it out toghater.

Your responsibility and worrys belongs to her!

[Lobe]

new clothes, new hair, almost an arrogance / confidence, and enjoyment of superficial things rather than anything real.

 

New AP?

 

Doesn't matter anyway. Shut it down.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

A lot of people have raised my marriage. That broke a long time ago, and my wife and I have agreed to stay together for the children until they are older. Though not an open relationship we're under no illusions about the reality of the situation.

 

And I suppose thats why I am upset. I don't know how I'm going to handle the break up - I suppose why I'm on here, because I have invested so much into her. She was the "next phase of my life".

 

Reread the bolded until you figure out how that applies to yourself.

 

So you are in a " dead marriage."

 

Does your wife actively describe it as such, PR you just feel that way?

 

Are you still sleeping together and risking bringing your wife back STDs. Because you mentioned MOW is taking extra-nice care of her appearance. That could easily be because she's moved on to a next target. We've seen that on here a lot before. People that cheat will often go through a series of partners, each more 'shiny' than the last.

 

You've mentioned that it's been years and then her father died. She might easily be coping with that by getting something shiny and new. Because often those that cheat need the shiny and new to cope with loss or the conflicts they avoid at home. Not that their homes are highly-conflictual. But marriage comes with in-built conflict and people deal with that in different ways. Successful marriages have people that turn TOWARDS their partner in times of conflict. Unsuccessful/unhealthy marriages have at least one party that turns away to cope, I ckuding things like substance abuse or trying to simply control the other person's behaviour. Or just "not saying anything" or getting in touch with your actual feelings, then going to an outside source for comfort. (I.e. cheating)

 

I've found that if most people put 10% of the effort, time and expense to work on their own coping skills and marriage that then put into their affairs, they'd have a wildly successful marriage.

 

You have a con job. Your wife doesn't think she's in an open relationship and here you are saying "oh broken marriage / for the kids" blah blah blah.

 

Are you cheating for the kids too?

 

What about MOW? Is she cheating for the kids?

 

Is this the example you want to set. My father was (is?) an adulterer. All of his bullcrap excuses paled when I had the unfortunate experience of catching him (by accident) with his mistress. And yeah, sure, "you hide it really well" and it "will never happen."

 

It was very damaging. But like most of those that cheat that come here, the priority is on the affair partner and not on the family, even the kids.

 

Because if it was there's no way you could carry on with what you are doing. You'd be focused on them instead of treating your family as a side-note to your great "next phase" when you haven't even concluded "this phase."

 

Affairs in general are unstable unless you find someone with a tremendously low self-esteem to fill in the relationship blanks for you. Since you are both married cheaters, it will be much harder both you both have the same entitlements of looking for someone to fill in the emotional blanks. It's like two addicts trying to find sobriety together. Possible, but highly unlikely. Because when one falls off the wagon, it often pulls the other one down too.

 

Perhaps it's time to define for yourself what a healthy relationship is and what you have to offer to one.

 

Curiosity question: did your marriage "break" a long time ago because you broke it? Did you cheat before?

[whichwayisup]

That makes a lot of sense. Its almost as if she's reinvented herself and yes, is clearly taking care of herself, and I know I need to do whats best for me but I don't want to lose her, even though I know deep down I have.

 

A lot of people have raised my marriage. That broke a long time ago, and my wife and I have agreed to stay together for the children until they are older. Though not an open relationship we're under no illusions about the reality of the situation.

 

And I suppose thats why I am upset. I don't know how I'm going to handle the break up - I suppose why I'm on here, because I have invested so much into her. She was the "next phase of my life".

 

So does your wife know that you're having an affair and in love with another woman? If no, then open up and let her know so she has the option to hook up and be with another man. How would you feel honestly, if your wife was having a fling with a single or married man?

 

Do you and your wife get along and are you affectionate and kind towards each other in front of your children? They see you two and are they aware that mommy and daddy are just biding their time before they split up? Think about this, wouldn't you ALL be happier apart? Be co parents share custody and live apart? This way the kids have two happy parents apart rather than living under one roof and being unhappy. Give it some thought.

 

Bolded part, that's a fantasy and it's never going to happen. This MW is not giving up her life, the benefits of her marriage, for you. Her words match her actions. She likes having you on the side because you make her feel good and it's an ego feed. That's not love, nor is it healthy.

[DazedandConfusedNow]

No I've never cheated before, and as for my marriage we just drifted apart. It was a very open conversation about it being over and saying we'd wait until the kids were older. Though not open (in the sense we talk about other people) we both agreed we could do what we want in the interim as long as we were discreet and nobody found out. The EA came under a year after that. My wife wouldn't be surprised if she found out, and has even asked i was having girlfriend problems. As I said we just don't talk about things that openly.

 

For what its worth I don't like the cheating, or the hiding and would prefer things were in the open.

 

You've mentioned that it's been years and then her father died. She might easily be coping with that by getting something shiny and new. Because often those that cheat need the shiny and new to cope with loss or the conflicts they avoid at home. Not that their homes are highly-conflictual. But marriage comes with in-built conflict and people deal with that in different ways. Successful marriages have people that turn TOWARDS their partner in times of conflict. Unsuccessful/unhealthy marriages have at least one party that turns away to cope, I ckuding things like substance abuse or trying to simply control the other person's behaviour. Or just "not saying anything" or getting in touch with your actual feelings, then going to an outside source for comfort. (I.e. cheating)

 

 

That actually makes a lot of sense. And yes, I suspect there could be a shiny new AP, though difficult to gauge whether thats just jealousy / paranoia. Either way shes not focussed on me and I feel like an idiot waiting.

[burnt]

That makes a lot of sense. Its almost as if she's reinvented herself and yes, is clearly taking care of herself, and I know I need to do whats best for me but I don't want to lose her, even though I know deep down I have.

 

In the most painful breakups when you are so focused on the fear of losing the other person in front of you, you stop noticing what you are gradually losing within you.

 

It has taken a very long while for me to realize that the most precious thing that I have lost is MYSELF, my faith in love, my ability to trust in people and any sense of innocence.

 

You are right deep within you--that you already have lost her, some time ago. What's ahead of you is neither pretty nor quick. Nobody in the world knows how long your healing and letting go will take.

 

I truly am sorry to have to tell you that recovering will take TIME. You cannot dodge the storm ahead--you will have to go through it.

 

But I do want to tell you in the strongest term possible that you are NOT ALONE. Though OMs are in the minority in this forum, the confusion and pain you feel is and has been felt by the thousands of OWs posting in this site.

 

The only suggestion I can make is the only thing that has given me some modicum of solace; that is, reading posts after posts of the ordeal OW/OMs experience to know that there are other people out there who understand what I'm feeling and that the suffering that's killing me inside is actually the only normal reaction after the death of the affair.

 

You have loved; you have invested your heart in her; however *wrong* the nature of this relationship maybe in the eye of the society, the depth of your emotions are still very real and very genuine.

 

Allow yourself to acknowledge that what you felt and do still feel defines you. Allow yourself to mourn for the death of the relationship.

 

The love you felt for her will always be a part of your life, but SHE will not be a part of your life.

[NTV]

What would you advise your children to do if they were in your situation? Because right now they are learning everything about marriage from you and your wife. They probably see the cheating. They see the lack of love, the 'dead' marriage, and they will think this is what marriage is like. Or they will fantasize about the perfect marriage that is nothing like it only to go down the same path you and your wife have and feel helpless to stop it.

 

 

So... my advise to you isn't on how to get this woman back or how to get back with your wife or to divorce. Those are all options you know are on the table, each with their own pro and con list. Some have very extensive lists.

 

 

My advise to you is to make the choice you would want your children to make if they were in a dead marriage and the end of an affair. Revive the marriage? Exit and pursue their happiness? Find a new affair partner? Focus on their kids (your grandkids)? All the above? Something not listed?

 

 

This is your chance to teach them the way you would want to have done things. This is no longer a 'do as I say not as I do' situation.

[Darren Steez]

Personally think she's banging someone else and doesn't have the heart to let you go but the good sex will get her full focus in time and then you might not hear from her that much.

[Lobe]

That actually makes a lot of sense. And yes, I suspect there could be a shiny new AP, though difficult to gauge whether thats just jealousy / paranoia. Either way shes not focussed on me and I feel like an idiot waiting.

 

Your wife doesn't know - that's why she's dropping "girlfriend" hints. It's a joking way to gauge a reaction because the BS is terrified of the truth. I asked about "the girlfriend" for weeks. Even "jokingly" told my WH to tell his girlfriend hello thinking the guilt would jolt him to a confession. Your wife suspects, and won't be happy despite your "we are only here for the kids" bullsh*t. Of course I can only speak as a wayward whose husband had convinced himself it was over without talking to me about it first...

 

And yes, your AP has a new plaything. While a family tragedy sometimes pushes a family closer together, sometimes it's just a great opportunity to find support outside the marriage. You're old news and can't bring nearly the magic healing power of a new shiny man. If you don't suspect she's got a new plaything, you're setting yourself up for as much heartbreak as her spouse.

 

Why are you in this? Talk to your wife. I'm 100% sure if she is as "done" as you cla you are she will give you some much-needed perspective. Reality checks suck

[13Hearts]

Reinventing herself? New hair? New wardrobe?

 

She's got a new affair partner.

[pooldog]

I bet that hiding it is too hard and the initial attraction and sparks have worn off. And if she does not love you anymore she is not going to be willing to take the risks to see you. Perhaps she found a different AP. Or perhaps the death of her father reconnected her with her own family. Proximity rules.

 

Try to let her go.

 

Advice required regarding my MOW's behaviour, and what I should do next..

 

It started as a cliche - re-connecting with an old friend from university on FB 7 years ago, both married with children, quickly becoming and EA and then 2 years ago something physical. Planning futures together when the kids were older. Talking every day, meeting weekly, evening managing a holiday together aligning business trips.

 

Her losing her father in February. Shutting off. 5 months talking less, her telling me she's not in love with me anymore, telling me we're over, but still occasionally meeting, having sex. Indifferent. Distant in between. Colder, guarded.

 

Do you think its the death of her father, or our being over? If the latter, why still "keep me around"? Do you think she wants me to stay and be there for her, or do you think she wants me to end it?

[Outofmysystem]

Dazed, a lot of your story is similar to mine....MOW, 6 years for my A, loved me, sex to a point I almost couldn't keep up with, "future faking"....she was my "next phase" too.....till a new job, and experiencing what it was like to be without me AND her husband training in another city for a few months got her "thinking", till she was just "numb"....no good feelings no bad, just guilt and concern for her kids.....I just found out after 8 months of her ending it, and me being very terrible at NC (no contact) that she is divorced as of yesterday.....and like an idiot, I started talking to her again just to get to a point where she could get pissed and tell me that there will be no "rekindling" and we should just leave it the way it is....

 

Believe me, BELIEVE me, I KNOW how you feel, I poured money, time, love, compliments, affection, sex into IT and HER.....you name it.....she STILL doesn't want me back......

 

We just have to let them go......end of story.

[burnt]

OutOfMySystem,

I have always found your story to be very moving. I am so sorry for what you have just gone through. This is sick--but then again the whole thing she has done through and through has been sick too.

 

So I guess, off she goes, off to a new next one now.