[Advice required regarding my MOW's behaviour]

[sandylee1]

What is wrong with me? Three days ago there was anger - at her for her coldhearted behaviour, at myself for wasting my time. Glad I had blocked her and ready to begin my life without her. Life felt simpler, cleaner. Out with friends and family last night, genuinely enjoying everyone's company, knowing that even if nothing changed I would be happy.

 

But waking up this morning craving her. Unable to think about anything else, whilst getting ready, commuting to work, in my client meeting. Trying to recall the rage I felt three days ago and the happiness from last night, but her not leaving my mind. Logging onto Facebook (we're not friends) just to see her profile picture, missing her more. Ready to unblock her, message her, not caring what she might say, happy for crumbs however small.

 

Coming on here instead. Writing to you all. Wondering if this is what life is going to be like. Sudden onset craving that leave my broken and ready to jump back in. Wondering how many days, weeks, months, years it'll take to be free of her. Knowing with certainty that if she contacted me right now I'd take her back.

 

Hating myself for being this weak.

 

What is wrong with me?

 

Look at how she treated you when your dad was ill. If a stranger in the supermarket told me their dad was ill I'd have compassion from one human being to another. Yet she put you in your place like an irritation. Is that what you want to be to a woman? An irritation?

 

Please do not fall back into her trap. She'll be back, but it will be with a warning that you better perform as she wants and know your place. Your place being the second to her husband. Your place as the one who gets whatever spare time she can squeeze you in. She's treating you like a naughty dog and that's where she's sent you ... to the doghouse.

 

If you behave, she'll throw you a bone and allow you to come and lick her feet. I seriously can't see why you'd want to be in that position. It's going to strip you of confidence and have you feeling like an underdog.

[Lobe]

What is wrong with me? Three days ago there was anger - at her for her coldhearted behaviour, at myself for wasting my time. Glad I had blocked her and ready to begin my life without her. Life felt simpler, cleaner. Out with friends and family last night, genuinely enjoying everyone's company, knowing that even if nothing changed I would be happy.

 

But waking up this morning craving her. Unable to think about anything else, whilst getting ready, commuting to work, in my client meeting. Trying to recall the rage I felt three days ago and the happiness from last night, but her not leaving my mind. Logging onto Facebook (we're not friends) just to see her profile picture, missing her more. Ready to unblock her, message her, not caring what she might say, happy for crumbs however small.

 

Coming on here instead. Writing to you all. Wondering if this is what life is going to be like. Sudden onset craving that leave my broken and ready to jump back in. Wondering how many days, weeks, months, years it'll take to be free of her. Knowing with certainty that if she contacted me right now I'd take her back.

 

Hating myself for being this weak.

 

What is wrong with me?

 

This is par for the course, as any person with any addiction would tell you - the initial euphoria of feeling in control is quickly replaced with a a hopelessness and intense feeling of not being able to live without the drug of your choice. Expect more of the same.

 

It's said that the person who thinks they are not getting enough in their marriage is actually not giving enough. One tip my WH got: every time you think of your AP, make a conscious choice to replace it with positive thoughts about your wife and your marriage. If you feel like texting MOW, text your wife. If you need a hug, ask your wife. If you're horny, woo your wife. Maybe you still have a shot at having a happy marriage, even if you have drifted apart.

 

Good luck.

[dreamingoftigers]

It really makes me cringe to think that my xMM's BW probably went through all this same crap during the A, and probably still does. It's not like he's sorted out his issues or anything. May even be worse for her now because during the A, he had to be nicer at least some of the time to assuage his guilt (that's my guess anyway) and now that he's "being good" (his words) I bet she gets jerked around massively and treated like garbage.

 

In fact I wonder if it's a longer term behavior pattern with him and if their entire marriage was like that. What a horrifying thought.

 

I've heard it go both ways. Husbands being "extra nice" because they feel guilty.

 

In my case he was extra awful. Very awful because "why should I feel like crap in this marriage that sucks because you're in it. You're not what I want and now I'm stuck with you." Pouty face.

 

That wasn't verbatim, but just the idea of that.

 

I think the absolute worst is knowing that your husband is physically present (mostly) but that you are not connecting because he isn't fully "with you."

[dreamingoftigers]

 

It's said that the person who thinks they are not getting enough in their marriage is actually not giving enough. One tip my WH got: every time you think of your AP, make a conscious choice to replace it with positive thoughts about your wife and your marriage. If you feel like texting MOW, text your wife. If you need a hug, ask your wife. If you're horny, woo your wife. Maybe you still have a shot at having a happy marriage, even if you have drifted apart.

 

Good luck.

 

I notice the "I'm not giving enough" pattern in myself, totally no kidding

 

I often fall into ruts of resent with my husband (because of low sex. I hate it.) But the strongest correlation I find is when I STOP giving into the marriage. I just look at what HE isn't doing instead of what I'm not doing.

 

The truth is we love what we invest in, not so much what invests in us.

[lemondrop21]

I've heard it go both ways. Husbands being "extra nice" because they feel guilty.

 

In my case he was extra awful. Very awful because "why should I feel like crap in this marriage that sucks because you're in it. You're not what I want and now I'm stuck with you." Pouty face.

 

That wasn't verbatim, but just the idea of that.

 

I think the absolute worst is knowing that your husband is physically present (mostly) but that you are not connecting because he isn't fully "with you."

 

:(I'm sorry you went through that.

 

The reason I suspect xMM was "extra nice" to BW during the A is because he says that his marriage improved during that time. Kind of adds an extra layer of "gross" when you think about it - he certainly got away with quite a lot...

[dreamingoftigers]

:(I'm sorry you went through that.

 

The reason I suspect xMM was "extra nice" to BW during the A is because he says that his marriage improved during that time. Kind of adds an extra layer of "gross" when you think about it - he certainly got away with quite a lot...

 

Yeah.

 

When I hear the justification that "the affair keeps me happy then I can be a better partner" makes me wonder what the Hell they are smoking.

 

It's the very definition of being a sucky partner.

[Lobe]

Yeah.

 

When I hear the justification that "the affair keeps me happy then I can be a better partner" makes me wonder what the Hell they are smoking.

 

It's the very definition of being a sucky partner.

 

My WH turned into a consummate assh*le as his affair progressed. He became churlish and snippy, got short with me over nothing, accused me of things, stopped making jokes and holding hands... And yet, every morning and every night he kissed me and said, "I love you." I thought I was losing my godd*mned mind. Reading about how other men became super husbands makes me grateful for him being a dick and keeping his distance. I read in one of his emails that he felt like he was cheating on HER when he was with me. Did y'all get that line, too? I'm wondering if that's a page from the wayward spouse handbook...

 

Tigerdreamer, resentment is a key a word - someone else posted a while back that it's the silent killer in a marriage, a potent enemy of intimacy and connecting. I think both my husband and I had built up a lot of resentment, me leading up to his affair and him over the course of the affair. There were moments when I felt pure contempt from him, which I think is what resentment becomes if left unchecked.

 

OP, I'm still not convinced that your wife was on board. Have you ever sat down with her and told her about MOW? If not, why not?

[ladydesigner]

Yeah.

 

When I hear the justification that "the affair keeps me happy then I can be a better partner" makes me wonder what the Hell they are smoking.

 

It's the very definition of being a sucky partner.

 

Right!?!? It's a total oxymoron!

 

You can't be a good partner to one if time is being split with another

[DazedandConfusedNow]

Hello everyone. Must be 4 months since I first posted? 4 months of broken non contact, anger, being let down, sex on her terms and all the usual silliness you'd expect when two people in an affair drift..

 

But something has changed these last two weeks. I'm not sure how or why but for the first time in 7 years I simply don't give a f**k any more. The closest emotion I can apply is boredom. I no longer want to speak to her, no longer have any urge to reply when she messages or meet when she asks.

 

Even when we met last week. I felt still in love with her, but there was none of the fog, the urge, those overwhelming feelings. I left feeling it was a rather pointless meeting and not worth sneaking around for.

 

No anger, no bitterness, no desire, no longing. I'm perfectly happy with the rest of my life and nothing is lessened without her.

 

I feel lighter.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hello all! So its been a month since I last wrong, when I said I wouldn't contact her however wouldn't close the door completely in order to see how things progressed.

 

Soon after I last wrote she got back in touch, her daughter was ill and she was anxious, needing reassurance. I (obviously) was there for her - meeting almost every day and hours of conversation until the all-clear. It felt good to be wanted again, for more than sex I mean.

 

We talked a lot, about us too. She said she felt numb inside since her father's death and was finding it difficult to be close to anyone, her family included. She swore there was nobody else. I'm not sure if I believe her, though that could simply be my paranoia talking.

 

However the last fortnight she grew distant again. Not wanting to meet, talk. Reverting back to how I described her before.

 

Ironically my father had a heartattack this week. I haven't asked for a single thing from her for months, however asked to see her. I needed my friend. She refused. I asked to speak to her. She refused. So I messaged her with the news. She was angry that I messaged as she was with her family, calling me pathetic and telling me that everybody has problems and that she doesn't have time for my misery.

 

It was at that point I replied saying I've had enough and blocked / deleted her. The first time I've done so.

 

I don't recognise her anymore. But after months of this insanity I don't care anymore. I've had enough.

 

What are your values?

 

What would stop you from repeating the cycle?

 

Because you seem very mood-dependent and if it looked like you might feel even a momentary high, you would be all over it.

 

And then back to square one.

[whichwayisup]

If you really feel this way, then block her on all social media and from your phone.

 

Good that you are in a happier and peaceful place but all that means nothing if you don`t go NC

[BuddyX]

Hello everyone. Must be 4 months since I first posted? 4 months of broken non contact, anger, being let down, sex on her terms and all the usual silliness you'd expect when two people in an affair drift..

 

But something has changed these last two weeks. I'm not sure how or why but for the first time in 7 years I simply don't give a f**k any more. The closest emotion I can apply is boredom. I no longer want to speak to her, no longer have any urge to reply when she messages or meet when she asks.

 

Even when we met last week. I felt still in love with her, but there was none of the fog, the urge, those overwhelming feelings. I left feeling it was a rather pointless meeting and not worth sneaking around for.

 

No anger, no bitterness, no desire, no longing. I'm perfectly happy with the rest of my life and nothing is lessened without her.

 

I feel lighter.

 

Did you have sex with her? If you did, nothing has changed.

[MissG]

How did it all start up again?

I thought you had blocked her.

[DazedandConfusedNow]

We met at a birthday party just over a month ago, seems we have a mutual friend I wasn't aware of so you can imagine my surprise. We only briefly talked however she asked if we could meet, just to catch up, clear the air. In a moment of weakness I agreed.

 

We met for lunch, however it was all about her - as in she just talked about everything going on in her life, not asking how I was, or my father for that matter, and I didn't feel comfortable telling her. It wasn't awkward but it wasn't how things were. She asked if I wanted to have sex, as direct as someone would ask if I wanted dessert and I agreed. We went to a hotel nearby, and did so, again, not awkward but it wasn't how things were.

 

Since then we started talking again, but I just felt less engaged, and then after seeing her again last week for lunch there was no change or excitement.

 

As for my values? Well thats an interesting question. Cheating, especially for such a long time has made me realise things aren't always black or white. But I have no desire to cheat again if thats what you mean? I think I'd consciously avoid such a thing happening again. But yes I do miss the "high" and "excitement" however accept thats the addict in me talking and know I can live without it.

 

I suppose thats the new question. Given I'm in this new place, perhaps i should tell her that there is little point talking from now on and say goodbye forever. Better that than ignoring her messages as I've been recently doing.

[BuddyX]

Go NC.

Ignoring works, but if you only stick to it. And you haven't. Messages and sex means your back to square one. Don't want to harp on it, but you need to build up some strength. You are still fragile.