need a fresh start

[smile]

I feel pretty mixed up right now. I sent the letter to him almost two weeks ago. I have no idea when he read it or what he thought. And I have been pretty busy so I havent had time to be concerned.

 

However, I went on my family camping trip and spent a few hours alone, sulking. Not just about him being gone but it was my grandma's bday camping trip and she passed away in may. My aunt and I had a long talk about everything and she made me feel a bit more sane. She said I was actually mourning the loss of 2 ppl in my life and thats a tough thing to handle. She suggested I stay away from him bc he needs to realize what he is letting go.

 

I felt better about my choice and came home. The next day while I was at work he called me. I didnt answer, even tho I was on my break. He didnt leave a msg.

 

I was all ok with house hunting and the like , more busy more life goes on stuff. Then I ran into his dad and brother at wal mart. It was weird bc it was his brother who is here from japan for like 4 weeks and BAM i just happened to run into him.. I dunno I think its weird.

 

Anyway... I thought about the disneyland thing and you know what? The 50th anniversary is exactly 1 year from when he broke up with me. I don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing.

 

I feel ok when I can pretend he doesn't exist. I haven't wondered why he isn't calling or emailing, or even freak out about what he may decide. I am begining to realize that there is life after him. I dont know how much I want to be his friend anymore.

 

This feels healthy, this feels clean. I am tired of pushing aside my feelings and holding my breath when his phone rings. I am tired of analyzing every little thing he does and says. I am tired of wondering why I am not good enough.

 

I guess I am saying I am done. That's a scary thought. But it feels empowering. I can't make him love me.

 

So now what? I said I would talk to him in a few weeks, I said I would buy disneyland tickets... do I give myself MORE time? You think I should just say goodbye? What about the phone? We need to split that.

 

I am not saying I am happy things didn't work out. I am just saying I feel that there is no more I can do. I will love him forever, but I have to live my life and let him live his. Any thoughts?

[sleeplessincnd]

I am tired of wondering why I am not good enough.

 

I guess I am saying I am done. That's a scary thought. But it feels empowering. I can't make him love me.

 

Smile, we are totally on the same page and our situations have seemed similar all along! I too sent a letter but it was just a few days ago - not sure if he got it yet but I know that I have done all I can and there is nothing more that I can say or do that is going to change things.

 

It is really for the best that we see this as quickly as possible and not waste any more time on someone who doesn't love us.

 

I too was tired of wonder why I am not good enough and that has changed to KNOWING that I am TOO good to put up with any games like this.

 

Take back your sanity and know that there is life after some a**h*** and that you will do better and have that to look forward to! Infact I have already started seeing someone new!

[smile]

Dangitt. I was so secure yesterday, until I wrote those words. And now I have this tickly scared feeling where I just want to talk to him. I want to call or txt, or even just take him off block on AIM.

 

I am wondering is it my gut I should trust? Is it time? Or should I wait until after the holiday? You know Tuesday. Should I give myself until tuesday? I mean then I can have my first holiday without talking to him.. which is coincodentaly the last holiday we had before we broke up.

 

This is the week he went away. When he said he loved me and wasn't going anywhere. The 1 year of our breakup is already upon us and life goes on. I guess I dont know how I feel about it all.

 

Help. I am losing my grip on reality and I dont know which feelings to trust. I feel good about letting him go, and I am afraid of losing him. What the heck is going on inside my head. Does anyone know?

[smile]

today i went for a walk and thought about how much I missed him. It was the typical night when we would go for long walks around the neighborhood. I came back and turned on my comp. I took him off block on AIM for a second and he didnt come up. I took that as a sign and reblocked him.

 

A few seconds later he called. I held the phone in my hand and I just couldnt answer. I thought I was ready but I guess I am not. I froze. I had no idea what to do.

 

This sucks. Words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated right now. Thanks .

[strange love]

The return of doctor strange love

 

excuse me if I hijack this thread slighty..

 

Smile baby.. I see so many dichomities in our relationships

 

I have been exceptionally naughty lately, so much flirting with females and yet. I keep getting these little signs or reminders of my ex. And every woman im like a superstar with ...I rediscovered my wit!!

 

But with my ex im useless, cant think of a thing to do about that and I... damn Im frozen if I think she is calling or the other day when she imed me im just staring at the screen.

 

Dont know what to say except, seems like a sign.

Most people I talked to that have really long term relationships break up for long periods during them.

 

Its such a ying yang thing dont you agree, I feel at times im becoming more like my old self and comfortable with it and being on my own, yet...

 

And I can see that with you as well..

 

anyways i think im changing my name to "doctor strange love" ooooo ahhhhh

 

let me ask u this what do you feel like doing? did u see batman begins??

[smile]

He called again today. Then called my apt then left me a txt that said "where are you?" . Is it possible in 2 weeks he hasn't read his emails. I thouroughly doubt it bc if he didn't know I wasnt talking he prob woulda called me when his brother got into town. I don't know what I want to do.

 

Strangelove its weird partly I feel like I am on the right track and I am afraid of going back bc I don't want to feel stuck. And I guess I am begining to feel things he has been saying. Even tho his actions NEVER matched his words.

 

I have a great job, I am moving on my own (no more roomates), getting a new car, and just so much has changed in the last year I don't know how I feel about going back. But I can also see a great future where things aren't as messy as before.

 

It's like if I could see the future with as honest as we have been ok that's wonderful. But sometimes there is this doom of the bad stuff comming back. The fear he is going to turn on me again. Can I handle that?

 

By the way yes I saw batman. He took me for my birthday . That's the last time we saw eachother.

 

I have no idea what to do, I just freeze when it comes to decision making in this case. I feel so dumb.

[smile]

oh yeh you said it seemed like a sign, a sign for what?

[strange love]

Sign

 

well im in a **** mood right now I really want to say I really cant care less for these shenanigans. But I know u are sad and confused so.....

 

For once maybe just bugger off for a while,

 

see what you want is him to make a commitment

 

What he wants is to not have to

 

SO for once why dont you spend time alone for a while

[smile]

I have been spending time alone. Not too much but its been almost 3 weeks now. Its him that is calling even tho I am not ready and it mixes me up.

 

Its like either way it sucks bc I love him and can't be with him. But this way I am not constantly wondering what everything means. Its like when he is kinda here its rejection everyday, but with him gone it feels like it is healing.

 

I just wish I could figure out why he won't just let me be for a while. But I am alone... working on that. So umm what happened to put you in a bad mood? Hope everything is ok.

[strange love]

Hi smile

 

Maybe you should txt him or email him asking did you not get my message?

 

Im very up and down because alot of thngs that happened a year ago havent been resolved, not just my ex situation. Im patient but this is ridicuolous, im trying to focus om other things and I did that last year in July and it was one of my best sales months every but at the end I was sort of burned out and angry cause i still i had alot of issues to deal with.

 

Im trying to understand what he is thinking. I guess if acted like he does theres a few reasons

1. I dont have to commit and it keeps me free in case i hook up with someone else

2. I want to commit but something u are doing drives me away.

3. He has other issues that i dont understand.

 

I mean he tells you.."sorry I cant give you what u need" uh ok why? If hes really that messed up he should seek out counselling, I did it because my ex was important to me.

[smile]

It's funny bc I too am dealing with a weird type of anniversary. Sort of like, here we are a year later and what's changed... what progress have I made and in what ways have I grown. I dunno its just a lot of introspection.

 

He has called me everyday this week (except for tuesday when I ran into his dad and brother)! He emailed me yesterday.. a myspace friend request. He read the email, he knows. If he didn't there would be more calls (yes more) and actual messages. I no longer question whether or not he got it.

 

It's funny but after these few weeks I am less concerned with why he is doing what he is doing and more concerned with what I feel. It's like I am ME again. For the first time in a long time. I am getting in touch with things I enjoy and love that I haven't thought about in years. Even before him.

 

It's like he and I met at a hard time in my life, I was going through a lot and just felt so obligated to everyone. I sort of acted way older than I was bc I was afraid of disappointing anyone, I dunno if that makes sense. But I now feel free to be me. To be selfish sometimes and do things that make ME happy. I am a single girl with no kids, this is the time I should be taking care of ME. Finding out who I am , nurturing my needs and desires.

 

I guess I am scared bc I don't know where he fits in that, if he fits at all. It seems easier not to talk to him than to try and figure it all out. I have no idea what this all means. I haven't decided, "hey this guy isn't for me so I am out" it's more like, "my enitre happiness is NOt dependent on what he thinks of me".

 

Am I growing? Are we growing apart? Am I letting go? I don't feel a desire to define this just yet. At least no more than to say I feel like I am in control of my life again... it's great