Is she right for me?

[poiter123]

I had an amazing partner Sarah (5 years) until recently who is still very much in love with me and would do anything to get married and build a family with me. For context we are in our early 30s. I think that she would make a fantastic Mum. I know that she would never cheat on me too and I know I can trust and count on her. She is very devoted to me, supported me a lot when I was very ill from Crohns disease and does all of the things that a loved one should do within her capacity. I would say that she is one of the nicest people I know.

 

We still live together and she will move out in around 3 months. This gives me some time to think more and see if I can some how make it work.

 

I have been questioning whether or not I should make that life decision to be with her even though after 5 years I'm still not sure and no matter how hard I try I can't convince myself. I question myself do I have commitment phobia, am I a sex addict, am I shallow, do I have too high expectations, am I just not grown up enough etc. etc. My main thing is I wouldn't want to deprive her of having a family as I know the clock is ticking --- except the problem is she is set on doing that with me and says no one else would even come close to comparing (in my head I just think I'm average). Deep down I wish I could give her all the things she wants without any pretending or it feeling forced in any way.

 

I feel like I have always pressured myself, and she has somewhat pressured me to be with her since the beginning either intentionally or not. Its almost like she is planning everything including how many kids we will have, and I'm coming along for the ride. While over those years we barely had fights, and enjoyed our time together I feel like she is my best friend. I feel that she uses guilt to manipulate me into making decisions even though I'm not sure. Every time I've broken up with her she will say something that cuts deep like you've ruined me, you've taken away my best years, I just want to be with you, you're a sex addict, I'm not good enough for anyone, I'm going to miss my chance to have healthy children. I certainly don't want to be the reason why she can't have a family. This causes me a lot of anxiety and confusion. I have someone in my life who in theory should be perfect marriage material perhaps?

 

I called it off for the final time as I could not fight my gut feeling telling me that that its not right, but I also have a lot of heart for her as I do genuinely care about her and would love to build a family with her but still it doesn't feel right on the inside. I don't think I've ever hurt anyone that bad in my life, and it was one of the hardest things I've done. Sometimes I feel like I can make it with her but its so hot and cold. I can't seem to fight those negative feelings no matter how hard I try. I believe what's missing is almost purely the physical/sexual aspect. To her this is not important compared to family and money. But to me I have a high sex drive and miss that immensely as I still remember the times I had with some of my exes. She is very conservative and stable, whereas I enjoy freedom, experimenting and passion. I have opened up to her about all of these issues but I would never say actually I'm not physically attracted to you as I'm sure that would have lasting damage to her so I would never do that. Deep down though I wish I could find someone like her.

 

I'm not perfect and Sarah is not perfect but one thing I dislike is that she is very money orientated (she also happens to be a junior accountant). To me though money is more about freedom, and security not something I thrive for every day. Throughout the relationship I have carried over 90% of the financial expenses including exams, renting, then buying a house, holidays etc. and helping her family (not excessively) who are in China. Although she holds 3 degrees (I have none) she earns close to the minimum wage still while I never had any opportunity to go to University and I work every day in a very high pressure management role with very high turnover because it as a terrible cut throat culture. Her parents came to the house we were renovating for a month and she basically asked for me to pay them for their time, flights etc. to help out. While I don't mind, I do feel a bit uncomfortable about being in a position to financially support her, her parents, and a future family while she is still building a career that to date hasn't provided any return on investment. I also have a chronic health condition so working has taken its toll and travel a long way to get to work and exhausted pretty much every day as we also share home duties. Over the past 5 years I've never actually had a break. In my adult life I haven't had anyone invest in me to give me some time to start a business or just be at home for awhile.

 

I feel some resentment I guess that I could be far happier if it was a more even deal. I'm paying the bills, half the domestic duties including cooking, and I'm sexually frustrated. To top that I have no biological family close by and a chronic health condition to deal with.

 

Even so I've always put Sarah's happiness first before my own. But I have been very upfront that I'm confused, not sure about the future. She just thinks I need to grow up, but I don't think so inside the more I think about it. It feels like she wants me to be happy but she would be with me even if I wasn't happy with her.

 

On the other hand though I had a relationship with someone that I felt so in love with emotionally, physically, committed and financially there were no issues at all. Until one day she told me she is not into me actually. I was the rebound for her from a relationship where she was assaulted by her partner. I accepted that as I don't believe in forcing these things but it made me wonder giving my current relationship if that's what you have to do to find happiness. She still emails me but she is with someone else and happy and I'd never come between that but I wish I had that feeling again. I find that whenever I do find what I want in a partner I can't have it and when I don't want it they won't leave me alone. Its like I can have a true taste of happiness but not allowed to keep it.

 

If anyone reads this, I would be grateful, and interested to know what you think from an outside view perhaps if you have had similar experiences or if I get married and have a family will it be better. It feels like it would be either the best or worst decision I could make. One of the things I'm thinking is why can't I push those thoughts away and just make it not matter. Is the passion part important or not as I know people do get old. Is marriage and having a family about settling for something that isn't what you really want because it is unobtainable. Some people say marriage is just a contract for people to build families. I just can't accept that happening to me.

[butterfly1958]

Wow.....you are really trying to make a decision that is right for the right reasons! That is an awesome person. Questions from what you stated that really need thought and preponderance. What is your real vision of a relationship with a women? How does that vision fit with where you are at in this relationship? How do you envision life with her if it goes forward? What really is bothering you about your relationship with her? Can you discuss the obstacles of the relationship with her? I believe God wants us to treat others as we want to be treated. Honest and respectful communication is key between two people whether friends or marriage partners. Only you know if this is right, but if you feel manipulated as you stated, you may want to investigate how this looks for the future. Have you considered counseling for you, or both of you, to navigate some of these feelings or thoughts. Most couples benefit from counseling and marriage retreats. My daughter stated that the real turning point for them was when they treated each other respectfully. Her and her husband went to several marriage retreats that had a faith based focus. In a marriage giving 100% to each other and building each other up is a must to have true success. This is work and does not just happen. My prayers are with you as you work through your thoughts and feelings and decide your future steps. May you be blessed with whatever decision you make.

[stillafool]

If your gut is telling you not to marry her - DON'T! Everything within you should be telling you to marry her, lock her down if you were in love. You're not. You love her but are not in love with her. Do not let her guilt you into the biggest mistake of your life. Marriage is hard and if you aren't in love it can be miserable. You've said the sex isnt that great either and that will only get worse after you say I do and start having babies.

[poiter123]

Hi butterfly, thank you so much your awesome reply. Have just learned a new word too .. preponderance . I've tried hard to be a good person for a while now and I definitely entered the relationship with Sarah with the right intentions. Being a good person certainly is harder than being a selfish person who only considers their own happiness. Sometimes to be a good person though you need to hurt people in the end to do the right thing if they can't let go.

 

Thanks also stillafool for your feedback too. I think you are saying what I know is true. My Dad gave me the same advice as I said shouldn't marriage be something I really want not something that's freaking me out.

 

I'm about to write a mini essay but its helping me to get this off my chest and I haven't been able to sleep well.

 

In response to your questions which is essentially what do I want?

I think I'm very similar to my Dad... Hopefully this doesn't sound too old fashioned but I am a bit traditional in my preferences for a family. My Mum and Dad were successful partners as my Dad was able to go and run a few businesses, while my Mum looked after the house, and picked us up from school and made sure we had fed. My Mum would help my Dad in the business if she wanted some stimulation and of course my Dad would help out with Dad stuff. Then my Dad would come home and we would have dinner and spend quality time together. Dad would of course do his fair share and looked after my Mum as her health has not been good for a very long time now. For me it would be hard to envisage 2 career driven parents. They made a great team together as they complimented each other and are still together and happy every day.

 

I can't envisage my future family being too much different to that. I believe for me to move up the corporate ladder I'd need more support at home to be able to take on the extra hours and stress which in turn I would be able to provide and protect my family. So for now I'm not too keen to take the next step up and not in a hurry.

 

I also like a simple life too. My career is to provide security, and I choose to work smarter not harder (i.e. less) always to be able to have more quality time with friends and families over obtaining material things.

 

 

"What really is bothering you about your relationship with her?"

I think I'm just not that into her (not in love with her) and need to hold my ground and not budge this time. The passion is not there and wasn't, and having experienced that with my exes makes it hard not to find that again.

 

 

"Can you discuss the obstacles of the relationship with her?"

Absolutely did. Our communication has been really good in that we've told each other how we feel. I suggested that she stop trying to be forceful, and making me feel guilty etc. as I had a feeling that it was not helping things and that if we let things happen naturally it could be better. She acknowledged that she is being bossy/domineering sometimes too much. Therein lies another issue in that I have more of a dominant personality as opposed to submissive both at work and at home - this means I don't like being told what to do, but I am totally open to talking and compromising.

I'm afraid the problems in the relationship would be difficult to resolve as it feels like its compatibility and outside of my control as much as I would love to be able to make it work I've tried for a long time so I think now is the time to accept that it didn't work out.

 

I've experienced being in true love before. I don't think its something someone can do for you. They can't earn it, buy it, guilt you into it. Either its there or it isn't and I think you know when you meet her for the first time and get goose bumps and you can't stop thinking about her, and you would do anything for her.

 

I've not had a relationship where I was in love where its lasted more than 3 months as she decided to end it as per my first post. Therefore I have no experience in being in love long term although missed her deeply. That was the happiest 3 months of my life though. I was grinning from ear to ear every day. I felt amazing and so did she. But there were some psychological issues on her side, bulimia to be precise, and an abusive ex which I would have helped her through but the timing was all wrong. I actually think she regrets it based on some of the emails but we've both moved on.

I would label that relationship with Rebecca as consummate love which is the jackpot and marriage material in my eyes https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love

With Sarah, I would say that is Companionate. When I'm much older Companionate might be ideal.

I've also had Passionate love which was by itself a disaster. We had great sex, but poor communication, mismatched lifestyle and weren't building a life so there was no purpose.

I find the triangle theory a great way of trying to understand love.

 

There in lies the problem I think. I was hurt a few times, and I gave up on it altogether and tried to be happy with just companionship.

 

I always viewed "in love" as a combination of love+infatuation+lust when you are in the early stages of a relationship when everything is perfect and you can't see each others faults. Otherwise known as limerence when you're dopamine levels are high hence the feeling of having "chemistry". Maybe it does last as I've seen exes from 10 years ago and my feelings have not changed on the surface .

 

Maybe I should renew my hopes that it does exist and can be sustained? If so that's what I really want.

 

 

I did go to see a counsellor actually for anxiety, and to discuss my relationship issues which I believe is very much related. I also questioned whether there was something wrong with me like depression or am I a narcissistic type of person which she said I'm neither. She was really helpful. One of the things she noticed that I am the person who if I fell over on a slippery road I'd still blame myself for it. She said I'd given the relationship a fair go. She also said though that chemistry feelings wear off and that sex by nature is just for making babies after that attraction between a couple wears off between 2 and 24 months typically. I find that hard to accept and also makes marriage more like a friendship or a business partnership than anything else. I'm sure at this stage of my life I would feel quite trapped.

 

If you've heard of Myers Briggs we talked about compatibility with partners too. I am certainly going to research relationships more to learn more about the psychology behind it and compatibly so next time I can choose the right partner and look out for early warning signs.

 

Thank you both so much for your support.

[VeveCakes]

From what you have shared I would say marriage would bring you a life of regret and most likely divorce. If sex is important to you do not settle for a sexless marriage.

[ExpatInItaly]

If your gut is telling you not to marry her - DON'T! Everything within you should be telling you to marry her, lock her down if you were in love. You're not. You love her but are not in love with her. Do not let her guilt you into the biggest mistake of your life. Marriage is hard and if you aren't in love it can be miserable. You've said the sex isnt that great either and that will only get worse after you say I do and start having babies.

 

Bingo.

 

OP, from my point of view, no. She's not the right woman for you.

 

You can love a person and want the best for her, but I think you know in your heart she isn't going to be the person you spend your life with.

 

It will hurt her, of course. But imagine what a marriage you had to talk yourself into would feel like - for you and for her. It won't be happily ever after.

 

I would let her go so she can find a partner more suited to her, and so you can find someone more suited to you. It sounds like you're both good people, but not the right match anymore.

[butterfly1958]

Thanks for the response......Sounds like your heart and mind are working toward a forward moving direction. I do believe that what you want is very attainable and very right in life. Most of the 30-40 yo mom's that I know are at home. Finding someone you can laugh with, talk to, and share dreams with is wonderful. Unfortunately that takes time and work. Most things in life that are worth having, doing, finding take time and lots of work. Where would you go about looking for someone who wants to stay at home with kids? What is the most important characteristic your mate would have to have? What are you willing to do to find that person? I will keep you in my prayers ........ keep looking forward she is out there in this person or the next......good things happen to good people.....Find your God given soul mate not just a lover.