The Ultimate Betrayal by my 2 year bf

[pecansandy]

Hello everyone and thanks for any advice you can give me

 

 

I've been in a relationship with a man for 2 years now. When we met I had already been divorced for 2 years, and he a year out of a 5 year relationship with an alcoholic. We are both 45. We clicked instantly...bonded instantly...the best of friends. We were always together, spent holidays and birthdays together...such honesty and trust between us. I was finally happy to be with a man I could trust wholeheartedly.

 

He has his own landscaping business, and 10 months into the relationship spring was upon us. He told me that because it was his busy season he would not have time for me, it was his few months a year to really make money and he needed to focus on that. Well at first I was a little upset, I just couldn't understand why we couldn't see each other...at all! He sighed and he said, "This is why I have such a hard time keeping a girlfriend, because this time of year I'm unable to do anything and the women get impatient. Well I felt awful. I didn't want to be like the others and not be supportive. He told me military families do it all the time so for me to pretend he is away on military leave, or on a Navy ship. I stopped pouting and understood and decided to support him. He told me he would see me in a few months after he wasn't so busy. Even though I agreed to support what he needed to do I was so broken-hearted. I missed him and he would rarely answer a text or a phone call. I told myself to not be soo needy and let him do what he had to do. He only lives 6 minutes from me as well! I told myself he has run off to his man-cave and I need to let him be a man and do what he has to do. So I decided to not disturb him. I didn't knock on his door not even once...not even a drive-by. I just wanted to respect his wishes, and he gave me no reason to suspect anything out of the ordinary. I thought if i knocked on his door unannounced, he would think I was checking up on him or didn't trust him. I didn't want to insult him like that so I decided to stay out of his way and let him come to me when he was finished with his busy work schedule. But I was hurt...he would barely call me back or answer my text. How could he not miss me the way I missed him?

 

After a month went by he came to my door unannounced around 10 pm. I was surprised but also angry with him. He told me he missed me and wanted to see me. I wasn't very nice at first because he didn't keep in contact with me. He told me how extremely busy he was and he was sorry. Well he immediately started kissing me and we ran upstairs and had sex. It all happened so fast. After the fact I wasn't happy about it at all. It felt like a booty call to me. The more I thought about it the more upset I got. He wanted to stay the night but I told him to just go home. I called him the next day and I told him I didn't appreciate the booty-call after not hearing from him. He felt awful...guilty...told me he should have stayed in contact with me and promised he would be more attentive in calling and texting.

 

Well he failed on that promise. And it was back to not answering calls or texting. I seriously just assumed he was busy and I was making him withdraw by not being understanding. After another 2 months...which gives us a total of 3 months of barely hearing from him he knocked on my door and told me the busy season was over. Well I was highly upset...I was yelling and screaming...told him I wasnt so sure about him because even though he was busy he should have kept more in contact with me. I told him I felt abandoned and alone. He apologized repeatedly and told me he missed me and next spring he will make more of an effort to stay in contact with me and he was able to reflect how much I meant to him. I never really got over it...all of our fights would come to the same point of him "abandoning me" those 3 months. He would always tell me to live in the present and to forget the past and lets move on. So I agreed and I finally dropped it. I noticed after he came back after the spring he was more attentive and loving...more affectionate. I was starting to think that maybe the time we spent apart was good for him...because he seemed more in tune to our relationship.

 

 

Well the months went by and he invited me to his friends New Years eve party. He was eager to introduce me to friends and family I hadn't met yet. Everyone was really nice and they all seemed impressed with me. Until half way into the party. One of his drunk friends was talking about a funny moment last summer on a boating trip. It was the time my boyfriend fell overboard and 'Chrissy' jumped in to help him. I stood and thought for a moment...wait...my boyfriend was on a boating trip? But wait...he was busy with landscaping.....how could he be on a boating trip?? And Chrissy? What was Chrissy doing there? Chrissy is his alcoholic ex. I was stunned...shocked...I didn't know what to say or do. I noticed one of the guys changing the subject really fast and had a look of worry on his face. My boyfriend John was in the other room. I act as if I didn't hear anything. But I was dying inside. He was on a boating trip with his ex girlfriend when he told me he would be busy with his landscaping business

 

I stayed strong the rest of the night. I was polite and held conversations beautifully. I didn't want to make a scene and I didn't want to appear as if anything was wrong in front of everyone. I told myself I would have my way with him after we left the party.

 

After we left the party I was quiet...inside in a rage..just dying. Before I coul ask him about it he told me he wanted to show me his grandfathers truck that he got after he died. He had it in storage. I knew it was his prize possession. I felt it wasn't the time to bring it up. I felt it would have been a disrespect towards his grandfather...hovering over his truck...calling his grandson a lier and a cheater. So I dropped it. I just completely pushed it out of my mind. I was in such denial about it...I convinced myself I never even heard it in the first place...

 

 

But I never did forget about it. It was just eating away at me. I didnt trust him anymore and I was becoming hostile..accusing him all the time. He couldnt understand why I was like this. I finally sat him down and told him why I had changed. I told him what I heard at the party. His face dropped. He didn't deny it. But what he told me floored me...

 

 

He told me that at the beginning of last March..his ex alcoholic girlfriend called him. She had lost her job....had her electricity cut off...car repoed and just about homeless. She had lost her job due to her drinking problem. So he invited her to move in with him. I asked him if he slept with her. He told me did...he never denied it. And they did go on the boating trip. He said he panicked when she needed to move in and was afraid of losing me by telling me. He said the sex was a total "surprise" but it did happen. He said she got a new job and he was taking her to and from work..and he was supporting her financially. When she got on her feet she moved out which was exactly 3 months later.

 

 

I'm utterly devastated. He confessed this to me a month ago. I've never been so heart broken in all my life. I trusted him with all I had. I feel like I don't know him anymore. But he has been remorseful...full of guilt. I know he feels bad. I know he wants to make it right again. He owned up to the entire thing..he never denied any of it. I'm not sure about HIS version of the truth of it all...but all I needed to know was that she was living there and he was having fun with her..and having sex with her.

 

Our relationship is just ruined. I feel like I don't know him anymore. I loved a man who I admired and trusted. I feel like I don't know this man anymore. I'm in such mourning like he died or something. Our time together is me depressed...crying...hating him. I told him I need some time apart to think things through but he told me he doesn't want to be separated from me. He has been very supportive during my grief and just listens. Its torture for him Im sure...but I cant help it. I just cant get over it. I feel so traumatized...so betrayed. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to work it out but a big part of me wants to leave him and move on.

 

I just want to know what any of you would do? Is this too big of a mistake to forgive and work it out?

 

Thanks for all your time and advice on this,

 

Sincerely,

 

Sandy

[not-so-sure]

Take you and your dignity and find someone else.

 

This doesn't end well, it might as well end now.

[CarrieT]

I just want to know what any of you would do?

Break up. Go No Contact. Move on.

 

Is this too big of a mistake to forgive and work it out?

Yes. He deliberately set up the lie of having to work so that he could play house with his Ex, probably knowing THAT was not going to work out and keep you on the back-burner - and having an occasional booty call! - when it inevitably would fall apart, which it did.

 

He totally played you.

[pecansandy]

I appreciate what your saying. Just want to make everyone aware this has just come to light 1 month ago...but this happened over a year ago...between March-June 2015. Not that it matters right? I just want to make sure I'm giving this guy a fair shake. I loved him deeply. But trust me..it all just feels slimy to me and I'm veering more towards just calling it quits.

[hippychick3]

You should have left him for good the moment you found out (although I would never have accepted his "terms" last spring...that would have been the end for me).

 

He's a liar and a cheat. I can't believe you're even considering not dumping him ASAP regardless how long ago it was! He only confessed because he got caught! What a scumbag. You really can't do much worse than this dude.

[SevenCity]

I could never trust someone who did that to me and kept it from me for so long. Can you?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

If you stay with him, I think it will be a huge mistake.

 

His behavior has been disgusting. It doesn't matter if it happened last year. He was capable of such cruel deception and manipulation, and kept up the charade for MONTHS. It takes a particular type of person to do that.

 

The worst part is that he thinks you are so desperate that you will not only believe his lies, but that you will stay with him no matter how badly he has betrayed you. Frankly, it is insulting.

 

You may really want this to work because you care for him, but it really isn't worth the lack of respect and trust which is going to eat away at this relationship from now on.

 

You deserve better.

[ChickiePops]

There is nothing worth saving here. Your image of him as a good guy is false. He's not.

[Ruffian1]

I just want to know what any of you would do? Is this too big of a mistake to forgive and work it out?

 

Run, he is a lier and cheater. Living with her, giving her money, 3 months!!! what a manipulating user hiding that from you.

 

 

The way you feel right now . . . . is your future if you stay with him.

 

Tell him to go be with his ex. You don't want him anymore.

 

It was not a MISTAKE, it was his choice, just at it was his choice to hide it from you.

 

Trust me, cut your losses and dump him.

[VeveCakes]

I mean, he works landscaping but what was he doing at night and weekends... did you never wonder?

 

This man played you like a fool. Dump his ass and don't look back.

[13Hearts]

Before I give my opinion, I have four questions. How long were your BF and his XGF together? How long after you met him did you wait before you had sex with him? How long after his break-up with his XGF was that? And aside from this issue you described, how does he treat you?

[Lady2163]

I mean, he works landscaping but what was he doing at night and weekends... did you never wonder?

 

This man played you like a fool. Dump his ass and don't look back.

 

I had a friend who was a landscaper and lawnmower, he had two guys working for him. From the first of March until the snow flies he usually works 17 hour days. He can go nine or ten days before he collapses. He used to plow snow, but now takes the winters off.

 

So, a smart landscaper would be working on the weekend. ;-)

 

But....even if your guy was doing this, he still has to eat. He still has to use the restroom. There's always time to text. There's always time to talk. My friend does spend a bit of time in the car driving.

 

I'm the type of person if I want to spend time with someone male or female and they are that busy, I'm offering to bring them lunch or supper. I'm offering to do some chores. My friend isn't an ex boyfriend, but I have gone to his place to put laundry from the washer into the dryer. I've done things for him and frequently my gets a new bush or colorful thing that even I can't kill...

[whichwayisup]

This man IGNORED YOU, treated you poorly, accused you of checking up on him and got angry. Big red flags!! No man is too busy to send a text, to answer a text to the woman he loves. This man used you and you need to end it with him. His ex isn't really his ex, she's still in his life and always will be.

 

You can do better, even though you love him, ask yourself why you'd want a man who lies to you, betrays you, manipulates you (Yes, him showing you that car right after the party was manipulation, to tug at your heart strings so you wouldn't confront him about Chrissy and the boat, and what he's really been up to in the past few months.) He used work as an excuse to take a break and do whatever he wanted.

 

Please, find the respect and courage in yourself, tell him to F OFF and never speak to him again.

[whichwayisup]

I appreciate what your saying. Just want to make everyone aware this has just come to light 1 month ago...but this happened over a year ago...between March-June 2015. Not that it matters right? I just want to make sure I'm giving this guy a fair shake. I loved him deeply. But trust me..it all just feels slimy to me and I'm veering more towards just calling it quits.

 

You must love him more than you love yourself if you choose to stay. You've been denying what's in front of you for a year! DO call it quits, he's not worth it.

[sandylee1]

Never in a month of Sundays would I forgive this.

 

I'm honestly suprised you bought his line about the gardening the whole season.

Neurosurgeons, Lawyers and footballers to name but a few all have extremely demanding and busy jobs, yet they all see their GFs and families while they're in the same country.

 

He wasn't gardening in the night was he. Even if he was too exhausted for sex, he would have been able to go out to dinner or relax watching the television.

 

He fabricated this stupid story that you fell for and really your reaction should have been l to tell him to take a hike.

 

Run for the hills.

[pooldog]

It is not a betrayal. It is a favor. He showed you who he truly is. He is still in love with his ex and not pursuing YOU and especially not after 2 years. And that is okay because now you can find someone who will believe you are their one and they will not even think of doing something like this. They will want to commit to you and make a life with you. Accept nothing less.

 

It is not about what you deserve. But what you accept.

 

Hello everyone and thanks for any advice you can give me

 

 

I've been in a relationship with a man for 2 years now. When we met I had already been divorced for 2 years, and he a year out of a 5 year relationship with an alcoholic. We are both 45. We clicked instantly...bonded instantly...the best of friends. We were always together, spent holidays and birthdays together...such honesty and trust between us. I was finally happy to be with a man I could trust wholeheartedly.

 

He has his own landscaping business, and 10 months into the relationship spring was upon us. He told me that because it was his busy season he would not have time for me, it was his few months a year to really make money and he needed to focus on that. Well at first I was a little upset, I just couldn't understand why we couldn't see each other...at all! He sighed and he said, "This is why I have such a hard time keeping a girlfriend, because this time of year I'm unable to do anything and the women get impatient. Well I felt awful. I didn't want to be like the others and not be supportive. He told me military families do it all the time so for me to pretend he is away on military leave, or on a Navy ship. I stopped pouting and understood and decided to support him. He told me he would see me in a few months after he wasn't so busy. Even though I agreed to support what he needed to do I was so broken-hearted. I missed him and he would rarely answer a text or a phone call. I told myself to not be soo needy and let him do what he had to do. He only lives 6 minutes from me as well! I told myself he has run off to his man-cave and I need to let him be a man and do what he has to do. So I decided to not disturb him. I didn't knock on his door not even once...not even a drive-by. I just wanted to respect his wishes, and he gave me no reason to suspect anything out of the ordinary. I thought if i knocked on his door unannounced, he would think I was checking up on him or didn't trust him. I didn't want to insult him like that so I decided to stay out of his way and let him come to me when he was finished with his busy work schedule. But I was hurt...he would barely call me back or answer my text. How could he not miss me the way I missed him?

 

After a month went by he came to my door unannounced around 10 pm. I was surprised but also angry with him. He told me he missed me and wanted to see me. I wasn't very nice at first because he didn't keep in contact with me. He told me how extremely busy he was and he was sorry. Well he immediately started kissing me and we ran upstairs and had sex. It all happened so fast. After the fact I wasn't happy about it at all. It felt like a booty call to me. The more I thought about it the more upset I got. He wanted to stay the night but I told him to just go home. I called him the next day and I told him I didn't appreciate the booty-call after not hearing from him. He felt awful...guilty...told me he should have stayed in contact with me and promised he would be more attentive in calling and texting.

 

Well he failed on that promise. And it was back to not answering calls or texting. I seriously just assumed he was busy and I was making him withdraw by not being understanding. After another 2 months...which gives us a total of 3 months of barely hearing from him he knocked on my door and told me the busy season was over. Well I was highly upset...I was yelling and screaming...told him I wasnt so sure about him because even though he was busy he should have kept more in contact with me. I told him I felt abandoned and alone. He apologized repeatedly and told me he missed me and next spring he will make more of an effort to stay in contact with me and he was able to reflect how much I meant to him. I never really got over it...all of our fights would come to the same point of him "abandoning me" those 3 months. He would always tell me to live in the present and to forget the past and lets move on. So I agreed and I finally dropped it. I noticed after he came back after the spring he was more attentive and loving...more affectionate. I was starting to think that maybe the time we spent apart was good for him...because he seemed more in tune to our relationship.

 

 

Well the months went by and he invited me to his friends New Years eve party. He was eager to introduce me to friends and family I hadn't met yet. Everyone was really nice and they all seemed impressed with me. Until half way into the party. One of his drunk friends was talking about a funny moment last summer on a boating trip. It was the time my boyfriend fell overboard and 'Chrissy' jumped in to help him. I stood and thought for a moment...wait...my boyfriend was on a boating trip? But wait...he was busy with landscaping.....how could he be on a boating trip?? And Chrissy? What was Chrissy doing there? Chrissy is his alcoholic ex. I was stunned...shocked...I didn't know what to say or do. I noticed one of the guys changing the subject really fast and had a look of worry on his face. My boyfriend John was in the other room. I act as if I didn't hear anything. But I was dying inside. He was on a boating trip with his ex girlfriend when he told me he would be busy with his landscaping business

 

I stayed strong the rest of the night. I was polite and held conversations beautifully. I didn't want to make a scene and I didn't want to appear as if anything was wrong in front of everyone. I told myself I would have my way with him after we left the party.

 

After we left the party I was quiet...inside in a rage..just dying. Before I coul ask him about it he told me he wanted to show me his grandfathers truck that he got after he died. He had it in storage. I knew it was his prize possession. I felt it wasn't the time to bring it up. I felt it would have been a disrespect towards his grandfather...hovering over his truck...calling his grandson a lier and a cheater. So I dropped it. I just completely pushed it out of my mind. I was in such denial about it...I convinced myself I never even heard it in the first place...

 

 

But I never did forget about it. It was just eating away at me. I didnt trust him anymore and I was becoming hostile..accusing him all the time. He couldnt understand why I was like this. I finally sat him down and told him why I had changed. I told him what I heard at the party. His face dropped. He didn't deny it. But what he told me floored me...

 

 

He told me that at the beginning of last March..his ex alcoholic girlfriend called him. She had lost her job....had her electricity cut off...car repoed and just about homeless. She had lost her job due to her drinking problem. So he invited her to move in with him. I asked him if he slept with her. He told me did...he never denied it. And they did go on the boating trip. He said he panicked when she needed to move in and was afraid of losing me by telling me. He said the sex was a total "surprise" but it did happen. He said she got a new job and he was taking her to and from work..and he was supporting her financially. When she got on her feet she moved out which was exactly 3 months later.

 

 

I'm utterly devastated. He confessed this to me a month ago. I've never been so heart broken in all my life. I trusted him with all I had. I feel like I don't know him anymore. But he has been remorseful...full of guilt. I know he feels bad. I know he wants to make it right again. He owned up to the entire thing..he never denied any of it. I'm not sure about HIS version of the truth of it all...but all I needed to know was that she was living there and he was having fun with her..and having sex with her.

 

Our relationship is just ruined. I feel like I don't know him anymore. I loved a man who I admired and trusted. I feel like I don't know this man anymore. I'm in such mourning like he died or something. Our time together is me depressed...crying...hating him. I told him I need some time apart to think things through but he told me he doesn't want to be separated from me. He has been very supportive during my grief and just listens. Its torture for him Im sure...but I cant help it. I just cant get over it. I feel so traumatized...so betrayed. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to work it out but a big part of me wants to leave him and move on.

 

I just want to know what any of you would do? Is this too big of a mistake to forgive and work it out?

 

Thanks for all your time and advice on this,

 

Sincerely,

 

Sandy

[pecansandy]

Well I've decided to go no contact. This can go either two ways. He comes back new and improved and wants to make a change, or he goes his own way. I'm only interested in the new and improved. If he goes his own way then I don't need him.

 

I was a fool. The landscaping actually was a good cover up. Because he does work very hard and stays tired. He also has lyme disease so its extra hard on him. He stays exhausted. I do believe the landscaping did play a role...since he started playing house with his ex in mid march...that gave him a few months to play before he got really busy. I don't think he ever got over his ex...that was evident from the conversations I had with him the 9 months we were together before he pulled this. A red flag I choose to ignore. She is an alcoholic who made his life hell and when she came a calling...I guess he thought he would get some validation out of that. She needed him and he got off on that. And your right..he probably knew deep down it would never work with her...but the opportunity allowed him to go back for seconds while he kept me on the back burner. He wanted his cake and eat it too. He knew I wasn't going anywhere so why not? I was a total fool. I should have knocked on his door at least once. I even asked him what would he have done if I came by unexpectedly?? He said "I guess I would have some explaining to do" He claims this happened to his last girlfriend....the alcoholic ex needed him...needed a place to stay..bla bla...but his last girlfriend DID come knocking unexpectedly. I asked him what happened...he said that was all she wrote...she was gone..no questions asked...she never contacted him again.

 

This seems to be a pattern with him. I sense a Co dependency here. Im going no contact for my own sanity and also he needs to realize the effect of losing a good woman. I will survive. Either he will come crawling back new and improved with solid proof of this...or he wont. And if he doesnt...then I dont need him. Im not talking a few weeks of no contact...Im talking MONTHS and MONTHS of no contact. It doesn't bother me because I dont like the man he has turned out to be. Im only interested in him making changes. I know he loves me and he cares...our main issue has been his emotional unavailability which I now realize comes from not getting over that alcoholic. He abandoned me to go play house with his ex. When he resurfaced I noticed he was more attentive and more loving. I'm sure he had time to compare and saw for himself and even after some time of missing me. For a year now its been me and him everyday. Its just unfortunate for him I had to find out about this a year later. I don't care how long ago it was..it was wrong and hurtful and he doesn't get the privilege of having me for doing it. I haven't talked to him in 3 days and he hasn't bothered to call me either. But notice he has been landscaping the hell out of my lawn every day...planting stuff. I have the best looking lawn on the street! Why he does this...I have no clue...and I don't care why...he gets no sympathy from me till he comes back new and improved and ready to met my needs and do what it requires to have a healthy loving relationship. I don't care if he keeps up with my lawn for the next 6 months...he will not get a thank you out of me.

 

Either he will have clarity and want to go down the right path with me and if he is lucky...I will actually be available to hear his pitch. Or he will have the misfortune of bumping into me at the grocery aisle holding hands with a very attentive attractive man. Either way..I win. I'm going to go live my life...take care of myself and be happy and confident. This I think a man finds most attractive. I don't need him. I am a self employed..financially stable and I own my home. I'm beautiful...loving..kind and caring..I am a good woman. I let my innocents get in the way with him. I was married for 15 years so I have no clue how to date. My husband and i just grew apart and decided it was better to live apart...we were no longer romantically involved...it just happened. But he never cheated on me or treated me poorly...we just grew apart. I guess it happens. So I went into this thing thinking all men are "created equal" I got the rude awakening blind-sided reminder that they are not.

 

 

He knows where to find me if he wants me. If a year goes by..so be it...I don't care. This is the rest of my life we are talking about. And I want to be happy...with a healthy loving relationship. If he can provide that...I love him enough to give him a chance. But my growing self-confidence in this is only going to attract the right man...Mr. Right...

 

 

Hopefully it wont be too late for him...

 

 

All of your responses has helped me tremendously! Thank you for all your honest answers...no matter how brutal! With your support..along with my family and friends...it has enabled me to be this way. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

 

 

Sincerely,

 

Sandy