abby_tx Posted July 15, 2016 Share Posted July 15, 2016 My boyfriend told me he loved me while wasted and admitted later it was premature. I was crushed hearing that because I know I love him. It's only been about 2-3 months so I get that it's not a huge deal that he's not in love but I'm still really sad. I wish he had never told me he loves me rather than taking it back. He said he likes me and loves things about me. He still wants to move forward and get to know me. I asked if we should slow things down and not hang out as much and he said "no way!! I don't want to change anything!" I've heard of relationships where one person says the "I love you" and the other isn't there yet so they don't return it then but maybe say it months later and they end up okay and eventually get married. But for me it's hard to get past this. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted July 15, 2016 Share Posted July 15, 2016 Rash things are said when the dopamine and serotonin are flowing. Those are the love chemicals. Don't feel bad and don't dwell on it. He is most likely infatuated ("in love") with you, and he probably knows the difference between being "in love" and actually loving you. Loving you will be a decision not based on infatuation, but a decision and pledge that he makes to hold you above all other things in his life. He's not ready to do that yet. He actually sounds like a very smart guy with his act together. That is a good thing. Right now what is happening between the two of you is mostly chemical bonding. Keep it up. Think of this whole situation as an opportunity. If you two work at it, you can grow your mutual infatuation into a mature adult love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 He said he likes me and loves things about me. He still wants to move forward and get to know me. I asked if we should slow things down and not hang out as much and he said "no way!! I don't want to change anything!" Kudos to him. Some people talk about a "four season" rule, advising one doesn't get serious before the 12 month mark in a relationship. Applied universally, I'd guess they'd be a lower rate of both infidelity and divorce... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 I would not get too upset about it. It is still a bit early to know one is really in love rather than infatuated (which he probably is). My bf did the same at 5 weeks in... Told me he loved me when he was drunk. I knew it was too early and a few weeks later he said he didn't even remember saying it and was too soon to feel that yet. I had agreed but I admit that it still stung a bit. Fast forward to the 4 1/2 month mark and he was then clearly in love and telling me everyday. 3 years later, he tells me he loves me almost everyday. Give it time and relax Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted July 17, 2016 Author Share Posted July 17, 2016 Thank you all for you reassurance and stories. I know I've got a good guy and this just proves it I suppose. But there is that part of me that feels hurt. I know I love him but maybe my love isn't real either but infatuation? Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 How old are you and your boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 You didn't say if you replied with I Love You Too. If you didn't respond in kind, he may well have gotten embarrassed and is trying to recover his dignity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 How old are you and your boyfriend. He's 30 and I'm early 30's Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted July 18, 2016 Author Share Posted July 18, 2016 You didn't say if you replied with I Love You Too. If you didn't respond in kind, he may well have gotten embarrassed and is trying to recover his dignity. I doubt he was embarrassed because what I said was positive. I was drunk when this chat happened but I said I was crazy about him. I remember saying I loved him but he says I said "I think I love you too." But if that's what I said, my reaction after should have been enough to make him feel secure. Even though this conversation happened while drunk, I know I DO love him. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 Take it slow. What is the rush? Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted August 24, 2016 Author Share Posted August 24, 2016 So, I wanted to post an update and get your take on the situation. It's been a month and a half since our talk where he told me he didn't love me yet. Since then we have had zero 'where are we' or 'love' talks. We've continued to get to know each other and things have been really good. He's shown me that he cares in so many ways and I feel really comfortable with him. He's started inviting me to all family events. He informs me of what's going on in his life as if I'm fully a part of it. It feels like we're a package deal when he's invited places. I've become close with his friends. I was invited to a baby shower of his friend's wife and he told me he was so happy they're including me. So things are great and all, but then I think.... he still can't tell me he loves me? And when we had our talk a month and a half ago he said marriage wasn't even on his radar, so why all the seriousness with me getting to know his family? He even wants me to go to the family event tomorrow when he has work obligations. I COULD go (if I pulled some strings at work) but I wonder how much effort should I put into this when he can't say he loves me and a month ago couldn't even say where he sees our relationship going?? Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted August 24, 2016 Share Posted August 24, 2016 So, I wanted to post an update and get your take on the situation. It's been a month and a half since our talk where he told me he didn't love me yet. Since then we have had zero 'where are we' or 'love' talks. We've continued to get to know each other and things have been really good. He's shown me that he cares in so many ways and I feel really comfortable with him. He's started inviting me to all family events. He informs me of what's going on in his life as if I'm fully a part of it. It feels like we're a package deal when he's invited places. I've become close with his friends. I was invited to a baby shower of his friend's wife and he told me he was so happy they're including me. So things are great and all, but then I think.... he still can't tell me he loves me? And when we had our talk a month and a half ago he said marriage wasn't even on his radar, so why all the seriousness with me getting to know his family? He even wants me to go to the family event tomorrow when he has work obligations. I COULD go (if I pulled some strings at work) but I wonder how much effort should I put into this when he can't say he loves me and a month ago couldn't even say where he sees our relationship going?? You're looking a gift horse in the mouth. Some people are not emotionally verbal. His actions, which are what you should be paying attention to, indicate he views you as a partner with some staying power. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted August 24, 2016 Author Share Posted August 24, 2016 You're looking a gift horse in the mouth. Some people are not emotionally verbal. His actions, which are what you should be paying attention to, indicate he views you as a partner with some staying power. So in that case I should go meet his family tomorrow based on his actions rather than him NOT saying I'm important? That's kinda the inspiration for this post. I don't know how much effort to make this meeting happen based on his words. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 Most guys aren't going to let you mingle with their friends and family if they don't consider you an important person. I'd rather have the partner whose actions show that I'm important to them rather than the one who showers me with ultimately hollow niceties only but whose actions don't line up with those comments. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sooshi Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 2-3 months is still really early on in a relationship/knowing someone. How well could you possibly know each other at this point? Unless you were friends for quite a while before you started dating, you probably don't know each other all that well. It sounds like he doesn't want to rush. He wants to build intimacy. Good for him! Many will rush, spout out beautiful words that don't really mean much after all, and the relationship crashes and burns in no time. He's taking things slow and steady. I think that's how a solid relationship is built--steadily and over time. I get that you want to get married, but the relationship is still in its infancy, and rushing could be disastrous. Based on his actions, you seem to be very important to him, and he seems to care about you deeply. If you need to hear words of reassurance, then this is something you need to speak to him about. But, if you can accept that his actions speak much more... then maybe you'll see that you've found a great guy for you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 My (now wife) said I love you for 2-3 months before I returned the words. She was actually getting upset I was not saying it back. I had feelings to say it - but I needed something more to say it. That's because I had a higher (different I suppose) view of love then she did (and probably still do). If I ever find myself in that situation again (and I hope not) I most certainly would ask the woman to define what loving someone means. I bet most people would not define it exactly the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 If I ever find myself in that situation again (and I hope not) I most certainly would ask the woman to define what loving someone means. I bet most people would not define it exactly the same way. If it's said early in the relationship, it usually means "I love (sleeping with) you"... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 So, I wanted to post an update and get your take on the situation. It's been a month and a half since our talk where he told me he didn't love me yet. Since then we have had zero 'where are we' or 'love' talks. We've continued to get to know each other and things have been really good. He's shown me that he cares in so many ways and I feel really comfortable with him. He's started inviting me to all family events. He informs me of what's going on in his life as if I'm fully a part of it. It feels like we're a package deal when he's invited places. I've become close with his friends. I was invited to a baby shower of his friend's wife and he told me he was so happy they're including me. So things are great and all, but then I think.... he still can't tell me he loves me? And when we had our talk a month and a half ago he said marriage wasn't even on his radar, so why all the seriousness with me getting to know his family? He even wants me to go to the family event tomorrow when he has work obligations. I COULD go (if I pulled some strings at work) but I wonder how much effort should I put into this when he can't say he loves me and a month ago couldn't even say where he sees our relationship going?? He just enjoying the company, closeness and companionship but he doesn't want to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
getsmartie Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 My bf took 13 months to say it! Was I frustrated? Hell yes but his actions were clear. He told me then saying those words carry a lot of weight and when he does tell me that he'll mean it. Looking back I'm glad it happened the way it did. If his actions tell you he does then just be happy with that. Too many people say ILY to their partner too soon and the relationship doesn't last so try to be patient if you can, it's tough I know. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 Life can be very, very long when filled with regret for marrying the wrong person. No-one can honestly know if they want to marry & spend the rest of their lives with someone after a couple of months! From everything you say it's clear that he really likes you. He's taking all the right steps. If I was being bombed with declarations of eternal love, planning wedding venues & picking out children's names at this point, deep down inside, I know that it was all just fantasy talk. These things take time. These things SHOULD take a lot of time. He sounds like a very sensible man who has your best interests at heart. At 30 he's probably had quite a few relationships (same for you?) & knows that you can easily feel head-over-heels pretty fast BUT then learn things about your partner that completely change your mind. That's what datings for! Enjoy him. Enjoy getting to know him, REALLY getting to know him. It's clear that all the passion chemicals are flowing in the right direction. I hope that this does grow into a deep, sustainable love & you're both very happy. Just stop pushing things too fast. Be careful....it's not very romantic to feel like your partners clock is ticking & they're desperate to get 'anyone' to the church on time! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted August 26, 2016 Author Share Posted August 26, 2016 You all seemed to have the same advice which in my opinion is a good thing! I thought I loved him very early on, but the connection that has developed since our talk a month and a half ago shows me that maybe that really was just infatuation and hope for love to develop. So I see where he's coming from. This is also the first relationship that I've been in where after 3 months I've actually grown to like the person more. Before it was me discovering things that annoyed me that I just sorta ignored because I thought I was being too picky. On the topic of biological clock ticking being a turnoff. I have not said a thing about that. I'm letting him go at his own pace. But... at the same time I'm not in my 20's anymore. If he does want kids with me, this might be something we have to talk about sooner than if I were. How soon is too soon? Do I wait a year? Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted August 26, 2016 Author Share Posted August 26, 2016 My bf took 13 months to say it! Was I frustrated? Hell yes but his actions were clear. He told me then saying those words carry a lot of weight and when he does tell me that he'll mean it. Looking back I'm glad it happened the way it did. If his actions tell you he does then just be happy with that. Too many people say ILY to their partner too soon and the relationship doesn't last so try to be patient if you can, it's tough I know. Had you said you loved him prior? If so, did you stop when he couldn't say it back? My boyfriend was injured and I was nursing him back to health and I wanted to bust out the "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH" right then and there, but I didn't. I already told him I wouldn't say it until he said it at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 He just enjoying the company, closeness and companionship but he doesn't want to get married. He's supposed to know one way or the other if he wants to get married to her after two or three months? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 Life can be very, very long when filled with regret for marrying the wrong person. No-one can honestly know if they want to marry & spend the rest of their lives with someone after a couple of months! From everything you say it's clear that he really likes you. He's taking all the right steps. If I was being bombed with declarations of eternal love, planning wedding venues & picking out children's names at this point, deep down inside, I know that it was all just fantasy talk. These things take time. These things SHOULD take a lot of time. He sounds like a very sensible man who has your best interests at heart. At 30 he's probably had quite a few relationships (same for you?) & knows that you can easily feel head-over-heels pretty fast BUT then learn things about your partner that completely change your mind. That's what datings for! Enjoy him. Enjoy getting to know him, REALLY getting to know him. It's clear that all the passion chemicals are flowing in the right direction. I hope that this does grow into a deep, sustainable love & you're both very happy. Just stop pushing things too fast. Be careful....it's not very romantic to feel like your partners clock is ticking & they're desperate to get 'anyone' to the church on time! This. This. This. I would be suspect of anyone who past their college years who was telling me they loved me after a couple months of dating. Infatuation isn't love. At two or three months, everyone is still riding that high of lots of sex, learning more about each other, doing things as a couple for the first time, etc. This is all great fun, but it's not the same as knowing you LOVE the person. I know quite a few people who are still in college, and you'd better believe I see lots of new couples talking about how they love each other. A few months later, they're finished. It's exciting to feel like you're in love, but after a certain age, it's usually irresponsible to think that the infatuation you're feeling for a new partner is true love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
getsmartie Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 Had you said you loved him prior? If so, did you stop when he couldn't say it back? My boyfriend was injured and I was nursing him back to health and I wanted to bust out the "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH" right then and there, but I didn't. I already told him I wouldn't say it until he said it at this point. Yes I said it around the 8th month mark. I was a bit hurt he didnt say it back at that point but we already had a talk about the meaning of those words. I knew that he needed time and so when I said it I was pretty sure that he might not say it back. OTOH, I loved him and I didn't care. I just wanted him to know. 2-3 months is too early, so many people say it during the infatuation stage and thats not love. I knew I loved him when he came over with these new sandals that he just bought. They were (are) ugly as heck but for the first time in a relationship I didn't want to change anything about him. I'm a slave to fashion so it's a big thing. Anyhow, if you feel it say it but be guarded that he may not say it back quite yet. Link to post Share on other sites
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