Bad end to 6th date and think it might be over?

[codelock]

I was on a 6th date with a guy where everything was going well most of the date. He had told me he had a very busy week and was pretty exhausted this week. I had an exhausting week too so I understood. Anyway, I gave him any day he wanted to see me this weekend and he chose a Friday which was fine. We meet up, have a good time, and 3 hours into the date I invite him back to my home to hang out just to have some quiet time. At this point, he seemed a bit cranky but I don't know him well enough to understand why as he's a bit less laidback than normal.

 

Anyway he gets to my place (we have not been intimate yet and this is the first time he's at my place) pours us drinks and we chill in my bed listening to music. I'd like to chat more so I ask him some questions but he deflates them all and says he's feeling a bit anti-social. He has no interest in talking at all which kind of turns me off a bit. Anyway, he starts making out with me then he says, "okay I'm going to go home and sleep." I ask him if everything is okay and if he'd like to talk to me, and he says nope, he's just tired. Then 20 minutes later he's back at my place cause he left something there. I take the opportunity to ask him if everything's okay and if he'd like to talk to me, and he says yep, just tired. I tell him he can sleep over if he wants, but he says nope, he'll just go home. Then he says goodbye and leaves.

 

At this point its after midnight and I know we both were tipsy and he sends me texts saying he doesn't think we fit right. I ask him if he can clarify and he writes long text messages saying how he was very tired today and all he wanted to do was listen to music and chill but I just wanted to talk and learn about him and how that's hard for him after a long and exhausting week. Then he said he felt like I was really standoffish.

 

I texted him back with a lengthy and kind message apologising if my actions upset him and how that was not my intention, telling him I'm very attracted to him and wanted him to stay over and that I'll keep this all all in mind if we decide to see each other again. He didn't respond and at that point it was 1am so that was fine.

 

I didn't say this via text as I was a bit tipsy when all this went down, but I should have told him that he should reschedule if he's too tired for a date or make it clearer that he's tired. Anyway I missed that opportunity.

 

I'm just not sure what to think. Part of me is angry that he feels like I'm a mind reader and should know when he's too tired to talk. I wouldn't have invited him over if I'd known he was genuinely that tired. For the record, this isn't the first time his tiredness has negatively influenced dates or communications. He seems to be really impacted by lack of sleep as he gets moody and irritable. The problem is that I cannot tell when he's that tired and I think its unfair for him to assume I should know.

 

What are your thoughts on this? Think that this whole dating situation with this guy is a lost cause? Should I just give it some space and wait for him to reach out as he has not replied to my text anyway?

[sagamore]

He ended it. He has not replied to your text message. It's over. I'd move on and find someone more into you. Good luck.

[JewelD]

If I really liked someone, I wouldn't give a damn if I worked 97 hours that day, I'm gonna hang out with them and have a good time on our date.

 

He's not tired, he's just not that interested. It's weird that he was too tired to talk but had the energy to make out with you. He was possibly considering having sex with you, but he knew he was not interested in anything else.

 

I don't see why he'd even go out with you and then say he doesn't feel like talking. That's rude. Take your tired ass home then. He has no tact.

 

Be done with him and that situation.

[codelock]

He ended it. He has not replied to your text message. It's over. I'd move on and find someone more into you. Good luck.

 

It just seems odd. I've had dating scenarios end before and its like he ended it based on that 1 hour where he was at my house. Before that he was talking about taking me to the zoo next weekend.. and its not like he did a fade out, took some time and thought about it. He texted me 30 minutes after he saw me saying that about just the less than 1 hour he was at my place. Just seemed very rushed to jump to hasty conclusions. And the only reason he gave me is that he was exhausted and I was trying to get him to open up and that I seemed a bit standoffish at my place.

 

Regardless, I have no choice but to move on but just wanted more insight as I personally don't end dating scenarios that quickly, especially when things are going well.

[Zahara]

Goodness. If he's tired he has the option of saying he's tired and rescheduling or that he would like to end the date. Like an adult who is able to communicate needs rather than act like a pouty child. I have to wonder if he's getting tired of all the "talking" because he is hoping for sex. Likely he's getting annoyed and it's more about getting in your pants rather than investing his time in getting to know each other. Speculating here but his behavior doesn't really sound like someone who is genuinely interested in you.

 

Six dates and you're having to read minds. Move on from him. You shouldn't have to be walking on eggshells.

[codelock]

If I really liked someone, I wouldn't give a damn if I worked 97 hours that day, I'm gonna hang out with them and have a good time on our date.

 

He's not tired, he's just not that interested. It's weird that he was too tired to talk but had the energy to make out with you. He was possibly considering having sex with you, but he knew he was not interested in anything else.

 

I don't see why he'd even go out with you and then say he doesn't feel like talking. That's rude. Take your tired ass home then. He has no tact.

 

Be done with him and that situation.

 

Yeah you are probably right. We did have a proper date but the end when he was at my place, felt a bit like he was only trying to have sex which is a turn off. I would have been open to sex, but I like to at least have some conversation and feel a connection. He literally got to my place, used the bathroom, jumped into my bed, turned on the music and that was it. No talking, no banter, no light hearted teasing, nothing. I'm used to having some conversation before taking it to a physical level with a guy I'm dating.

 

Anyway, thanks for your response. I'm a bit annoyed he agreed to a date if he was too tired or just not all that interested... especially as it was the 6th date, but I've deleted his texts for now.

[codelock]

Goodness. If he's tired he has the option of saying he's tired and rescheduling or that he would like to end the date. Like an adult who is able to communicate needs rather than act like a pouty child. I have to wonder if he's getting tired of all the "talking" because he is hoping for sex. Likely he's getting annoyed and it's more about getting in your pants rather than investing his time in getting to know each other. Speculating here but his behavior doesn't really sound like someone who is genuinely interested in you.

 

Six dates and you're having to read minds. Move on from him. You shouldn't have to be walking on eggshells.

 

Yeah one of my endearing qualities that I hear from strangers and friends very often is the ability for me to get them to open up, talk and how easily they can trust me. I tried talking to this guy and it was like he had a wall against me which rarely happens to me and never on a date. I've dated a couple of guys who clearly just wanted sex but were still able to open up and talk to me. It was a very uncomfortable feeling that he had no interest in talking at all. It was weird as the first 3 hours we talked like normal but the moment he got to my place, he did a complete shut down and it all seemed about being in bed.

 

Yeah you are probably right. He probably did me a favor. If he had invested some time in getting to know me, it could have led to sex and if he isn't interested, that would have made me feel terrible as a result.

[Teknoe]

If I really liked someone, I wouldn't give a damn if I worked 97 hours that day, I'm gonna hang out with them and have a good time on our date.

 

+1! Codelock, time to move on -- you deserve better!

 

He seems to lack communication skills and he seems to be less than 100% invested in you guys as a couple. Cut your losses short and move on.

 

Be glad he didn't accept your invite to sleep over -- who knows what would have happened had he accepted. He might have tried to force his way into your pants.

 

All in all, he sounds like a scumbag. That's really lame how he behaved on the date.

[Dis]

I'm sorry hun. I agree with the others...move on

 

If he's acting this moody this early on...can you imagine what a relationship with him would feel like???

 

So the question is....why do you care if he ended it???

 

Just remember as you move forward with dating...expect your dates to treat you as you would treat them

 

While you were hoping that he wasnt ending it...you shouldve been thinking to yourself..."hmmm this guy seems very uncommunicative and moody...I dont think I want to pursue anything futher with him...I deserve better"

 

Keep your standards high...plenty of fish in the sea...no need to settle

 

Best of luck to you hun!!

[Lady2163]

Around 12 years ago I started talking to a man online. I had seem him at a social group we both belonged to. We would chat on Yahoo for hours. However, he didn't have a phone. He was very poor, most of it his own making. His girlfriend had ended things with him and she had given him a deadline to get out of house.

 

So, after a couple of weeks, he finally asks to borrow her cell phone. This is the first time we are going to talk. I've looked forward to this all day.

 

When he called, his answers were 2-3 words. He wasn't really contributing to the conversation. After less than three minutes, he says he has a headache. I ask if he'd like to talk another time. He took me up on that offer.

 

When I hung up the phone, I thought, you know what? There are times if you are REALLY, TRULY looking for a relationship, you MAN UP. First impressions were still forming. We had probably a three month relationship and when I ended things I did tell him how I knew it wasn't going to work out from that first phone call.

 

Sometimes you just have to out on a social smile, dig deep and make an effort. This guy doesn't have that in him.

[codelock]

Thanks for all the answers so far, I'm feeling better. I suppose I was just bummed as I was starting to like this guy and it seemed like things could move in the right direction. His behavior last night was just unexpected. But you are all right, I do deserve better and the guy does lack communication skills.

 

Upon first meeting him, he didn't seem to have an issue but I'd be in denial if I didn't admit that I've noticed some slightly off things. For instance on our 5th date he got a little upset at the fact I didn't invite him to a party happening this weekend with all my close friends. I assured him that it was still early days and that's why I didn't invite him but he still got upset and told me I shouldn't even tell him about a party if I didn't plan to invite him. He even apologised to me on our last date about it as he felt he overreacted.

 

We also met at MeetUp which is a great way to meet people. I've asked him why he was at that MeetUp group. I've used meetup in the past, but was only there to help out a friend, not to meet people. He said it was his first time going and evaded answering why he was there which makes me think that maybe he doesn't have that many friends. Not having friends isn't a problem for me, but it was weird he couldn't open up about why he went in the first place.

 

He also has a habit of saying things that could be offensive and apologizing about it right afterwards. It happens rarely but one that sticks out is about my mom as she had a bad marriage. I told him, "she dodged a bullet." and then he said, "well it looks like she got hit a couple of times first." and then he apologized right after he said it after he realized it was inappropriate.

 

So all in all he's likely not invested and certainly is pretty lazy with his communication pattern. Thanks for making me feel a bit better as I cannot deny being pretty bummed out after that failed date.

[tinkerbell16]

Yeah you are probably right. We did have a proper date but the end when he was at my place, felt a bit like he was only trying to have sex which is a turn off. I would have been open to sex, but I like to at least have some conversation and feel a connection. He literally got to my place, used the bathroom, jumped into my bed, turned on the music and that was it. No talking, no banter, no light hearted teasing, nothing. I'm used to having some conversation before taking it to a physical level with a guy I'm dating.

 

Anyway, thanks for your response. I'm a bit annoyed he agreed to a date if he was too tired or just not all that interested... especially as it was the 6th date, but I've deleted his texts for now.

 

He wanted sex. You weren't making it easy enough for him so he "took his ball and went home". Pun intended.

 

He did you a favor by ending it. Now you can be available for someone who likes to create intimacy on many levels, not just physical.

[SevenCity]

Around 12 years ago I started talking to a man online. I had seem him at a social group we both belonged to. We would chat on Yahoo for hours. However, he didn't have a phone. He was very poor, most of it his own making. His girlfriend had ended things with him and she had given him a deadline to get out of house.

 

So, after a couple of weeks, he finally asks to borrow her cell phone. This is the first time we are going to talk. I've looked forward to this all day.

 

When he called, his answers were 2-3 words. He wasn't really contributing to the conversation. After less than three minutes, he says he has a headache. I ask if he'd like to talk another time. He took me up on that offer.

 

When I hung up the phone, I thought, you know what? There are times if you are REALLY, TRULY looking for a relationship, you MAN UP. First impressions were still forming. We had probably a three month relationship and when I ended things I did tell him how I knew it wasn't going to work out from that first phone call.

 

Sometimes you just have to out on a social smile, dig deep and make an effort. This guy doesn't have that in him.

 

True. I cannot tell you how many hours of sleep I missed and how many thousands of miles I've driven when I was interested in a woman.

 

I remember the first date with a girl I dated years ago. She lived about 1/2 hr away and asked if I would mind picking her up for the date. I responded with "I would drive to Florida!"

[joseb]

He wanted sex. You weren't making it easy enough for him so he "took his ball and went home". Pun intended.

 

He did you a favor by ending it. Now you can be available for someone who likes to create intimacy on many levels, not just physical.

 

I dunno. If a girl beings me in and "listens to music" in her bed, I'd count that as a pretty clear indication and invitation.

I actually think he didn't want sex for some reason.

He sounds a bit off in general.

[codelock]

I dunno. If a girl beings me in and "listens to music" in her bed, I'd count that as a pretty clear indication and invitation.

I actually think he didn't want sex for some reason.

He sounds a bit off in general.

 

Yeah he has a tough time initiating making out. He did initiate our first kiss but I've had to be the initiator physically. One thing I forgot to mention, which didn't seem relevant when I created this thread but might be relevant, is I did ask him when he was at my place about something he mentioned about practising celibacy at times. He'd mentioned it briefly in a last date and I wanted to know more about it.

 

Basically it sounds like he has an issue with sex addiction or viewing woman as sexual objects. He said this was an issue of his in the past and he had to stop watching porn and other things to break that habit. He's not celibate but does try to hold off sex so he can emotionally connect with a woman and he told me its been really great for his life as long as he maintains control and can have an emotional connection (which is ironic given that this was the issue I had last night). Also I would have fooled around with a guy by the 6th date but I knew he wanted to take it slow physically. Inviting him to my house could have went 50/50 sexually. I knew he wanted to go slow, so I wasn't expecting sex to happen but was surprised that once he came over, he just shut down and was only interested in making out, and then decided to leave after a few minutes of making out.

 

Honestly, before his text I would have assumed that maybe he was just too sexually interested and needed to leave due to the issue he mentioned, but once he sent that text, that was clearly not the issue.

Edited July 16, 2016 by codelock

[Dis]

Basically it sounds like he has an issue with sex addiction or viewing woman as sexual objects.

 

Oh hun...run for the hills!

 

Geez....why did you get mixed up with this guy in the first place???

[joseb]

Oh hun...run for the hills!

 

Geez....why did you get mixed up with this guy in the first place???

 

Yeah don't take on some sort of bizzare celibacy project.

Life is too short.

[tinkerbell16]

Yeah he has a tough time initiating making out. He did initiate our first kiss but I've had to be the initiator physically. One thing I forgot to mention, which didn't seem relevant when I created this thread but might be relevant, is I did ask him when he was at my place about something he mentioned about practising celibacy at times. He'd mentioned it briefly in a last date and I wanted to know more about it.

 

Basically it sounds like he has an issue with sex addiction or viewing woman as sexual objects. He said this was an issue of his in the past and he had to stop watching porn and other things to break that habit. He's not celibate but does try to hold off sex so he can emotionally connect with a woman and he told me its been really great for his life as long as he maintains control and can have an emotional connection (which is ironic given that this was the issue I had last night). Also I would have fooled around with a guy by the 6th date but I knew he wanted to take it slow physically. Inviting him to my house could have went 50/50 sexually. I knew he wanted to go slow, so I wasn't expecting sex to happen but was surprised that once he came over, he just shut down and was only interested in making out, and then decided to leave after a few minutes of making out.

 

Honestly, before his text I would have assumed that maybe he was just too sexually interested and needed to leave due to the issue he mentioned, but once he sent that text, that was clearly not the issue.

 

Sex addiction vs celibacy... run unless you want a sexless relationship while he satisfies his needs with porn and other "outlets". He is a Hotmess... throw this fish back in the sea.

[codelock]

Yeah I'm in no rush to draw assumptions on the sex addiction/celibacy stuff he discussed. As I mentioned, he was super nontalkative so if his behavior had been more normal and he'd been more open, I would have been able to ask more questions and get a clearer picture. He basically told me all this in several minutes which is not nearly long enough to discuss and draw assumptions from.

 

Regardless, the initial issue is still the same. Anyway he hasn't texted me yet and its been 24 hours so I'm assuming that's the end of that chapter. It's possible he may get in touch if he feels bored, but I'd rather spend my time with my friends or other potential guys than this one. Communication is a big thing for me. If he's not even able to properly communicate like an adult then I cannot imagine how many more issues will pop up in the future just from that one issue.

[joseb]

I'd rather spend my time with my friends or other potential guys than this one. Communication is a big thing for me. If he's not even able to properly communicate like an adult then I cannot imagine how many more issues will pop up in the future just from that one issue.

 

Good decision. He sounds like he has a lot of issues.

You don't want to end up being an unpaid therapist.