LisaMarie87 Posted July 15, 2016 Share Posted July 15, 2016 Hello. I've been in a long distance relationship for over 6 months. We met on a chat site and everything seemed to be cool at the very beginning. After a couple of months I noticed he was more into spending his time in that chat site than with me. Another thing happened, i caught him flirting with a girl in a public room and when i confronted him he claimed that she's just a friend and the the was only joking. He apologized and i gave him another chance. He also deleted his account on that site but after 2 months he made another one saying he made up his mind and that he would not spend as much time there as before. However, I always feel like he doesn't really want to spend too much time with me, we call each other every day but only when he makes time for it, it's never the right time when I want to initiate a call and we only speak briefly updating about our day. He has a lot of time in his hands but he would much rather spend it playing video games or talking with his friends. He always seem to have excuses for not spending more time together at the weekends, either that his parents are in the house and that he doesn't feel comfortable talking with me with them around, or that he has to meet with friends when in fact he's just playing video games. He used to be more engaged in conversations, now he seems absent or not interested to get into details of events i want to share with him. On the other hand, when he has to tell things about himself he seems to be very talkative. I confronted him about what's been bothering me, that I don't feel he's putting too much effort into us spending quality time together or him being on that chat site and he just went defensive saying he does not understand what i want. I just feel this is not working anymore and i don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 15, 2016 Share Posted July 15, 2016 LisaMarie, you've given a heap of good reasons to end this relationship. But you end by saying that you don't know what to do. What things make you unsure about ending it? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 15, 2016 Share Posted July 15, 2016 If it isn't working for you and it doesn't sound like it is then end it. He seems to be pulling away and making you a low priority. What is there to lose at this point as you haven't even seen him in person, have you? Link to post Share on other sites
Neel Posted July 15, 2016 Share Posted July 15, 2016 Hello. I've been in a long distance relationship for over 6 months. We met on a chat site and everything seemed to be cool at the very beginning. After a couple of months I noticed he was more into spending his time in that chat site than with me. Another thing happened, i caught him flirting with a girl in a public room and when i confronted him he claimed that she's just a friend and the the was only joking. He apologized and i gave him another chance. He also deleted his account on that site but after 2 months he made another one saying he made up his mind and that he would not spend as much time there as before. However, I always feel like he doesn't really want to spend too much time with me, we call each other every day but only when he makes time for it, it's never the right time when I want to initiate a call and we only speak briefly updating about our day. He has a lot of time in his hands but he would much rather spend it playing video games or talking with his friends. He always seem to have excuses for not spending more time together at the weekends, either that his parents are in the house and that he doesn't feel comfortable talking with me with them around, or that he has to meet with friends when in fact he's just playing video games. He used to be more engaged in conversations, now he seems absent or not interested to get into details of events i want to share with him. On the other hand, when he has to tell things about himself he seems to be very talkative. I confronted him about what's been bothering me, that I don't feel he's putting too much effort into us spending quality time together or him being on that chat site and he just went defensive saying he does not understand what i want. I just feel this is not working anymore and i don't know what to do. In most times, it is good to be following your intuition. The fact that he spends his time playing games or meeting with friends etc, what you are actually saying here, is that you are describing what kind of person he is. Do try to accept that, no matter how it seems to you. Back off a little bit, do not demand anything, and see how it goes. Also, if he is talkative when he is talking about himself, this is okay, if he says it to you. He sees you as a person comfortable enough, to talk about himself to you, and this is very important. And don't forget. LDRs are always challenging, but if not a challenge, do you expecting something cheap and ready? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaMarie87 Posted July 15, 2016 Author Share Posted July 15, 2016 I really like him, we used to have such great time together and tons of laughter. He keeps saying he has strong feelings for me and even makes plans for a future together but his attitude doesn't quite match with his words or at least that's what i feel. I don't want to become that type of clingy girlfriend but i've always felt that i'm the only one excited to spend time with him. I just want to know if ending it it's the right decision and that i'm not overreacting Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaMarie87 Posted July 15, 2016 Author Share Posted July 15, 2016 In most times, it is good to be following your intuition. The fact that he spends his time playing games or meeting with friends etc, what you are actually saying here, is that you are describing what kind of person he is. Do try to accept that, no matter how it seems to you. Back off a little bit, do not demand anything, and see how it goes. Also, if he is talkative when he is talking about himself, this is okay, if he says it to you. He sees you as a person comfortable enough, to talk about himself to you, and this is very important. And don't forget. LDRs are always challenging, but if not a challenge, do you expecting something cheap and ready? The problem is that I've been giving him a lot of space, talked when he wanted to, being OK with everything he had to do and didn't involve me. He uses to spend more time online during the night at the weekends which is something i can't do because of my job so our time together during the day is quite limited. Even so when he wakes up he would rather have a quick talk informing me about his plans for the day or watch something together and then leave without even having a conversation. It almost feels like a " Let's watch something, done, spent some time with you, now bye" kind of thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Neel Posted July 15, 2016 Share Posted July 15, 2016 @LisaMarie87 The fact that he spends online time is just an attribute of people in any LDR nowadays. You can apply two things: A) Cease contact and observe if there is any difference. B) There is no need for everyday communication. Communicate, one day after the other. It is healthier and more communication-productive. Also, try meeting, if not yet. Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 My advice? "Never make someone else a priority in your life who considers you only one of many options in theirs." Best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
Tar Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 My advice? "Never make someone else a priority in your life who considers you only one of many options in theirs." Best, TMichaels This right here. You need to listen to yourself, communicate your needs to him and if he doesn't listen, then whose problem is that? Listen to what your feelings are saying to you and if he doesn't care enough to feel and hear them, listen to what that feels like and reflects. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaMarie87 Posted July 16, 2016 Author Share Posted July 16, 2016 My advice? "Never make someone else a priority in your life who considers you only one of many options in theirs." Best, TMichaels There a lot of truth in that. I just wished he only gave me the minimum of priority anyone who claims to care about you does. After i confronted him he blamed me for not telling him i wanted to spend more time with him talking. I told him i shouldn't HAVE TO do that, he should want that too without being told, plus he always makes every little thing he has to do after our short time together sound like such an emergency that i almost feel he's making sure i have nothing to say about it. When i told him that he implied he should have a life too, doing other things as well. That saddened me a lot considering that i never stayed in his way or his plans. Whenever or whatever he had to do i was OK with, until i became someone he just HAS TO spend some time with to make it only look like we have a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 Unless I missed it, I am gathering you haven't met in person. Is that correct? Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 Is this feeble "relationship" really how you want to define your life? Some silly online fantasy with someone you've never even met, whose obviously a slimy computer Romeo sleazing it up online wherever he can - all while you're proclaiming your 'love' for him? You've never even TOUCHED him or spent time with him like regular people do in real relationships, and this is what you want to settle for? What's the POINT of tying yourself to some computer screen for hours on Skype or wasting hours of your life in some virtual chat room while your REAL life passes you right on by? What do you accomplish by doing that? Going to bed at night being happy that while your friends were all out enjoying their lives and making real memories, YOU were sitting in your dark bedroom in front of a computer screen for 4 hours with your fantasy boyfriend? What are you REALLY accomplishing? You need to ask yourself that. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 Unless I missed it, I am gathering you haven't met in person. Is that correct? This is how I am reading it as well. LisaMarie - you are devoting a lot of time to someone who doesn't really exist except in words you have shared and the rest is your imagined projection of who you want him to be. Time to get offline and meet people In Real Life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaMarie87 Posted July 16, 2016 Author Share Posted July 16, 2016 Is this feeble "relationship" really how you want to define your life? Some silly online fantasy with someone you've never even met, whose obviously a slimy computer Romeo sleazing it up online wherever he can - all while you're proclaiming your 'love' for him? You've never even TOUCHED him or spent time with him like regular people do in real relationships, and this is what you want to settle for? What's the POINT of tying yourself to some computer screen for hours on Skype or wasting hours of your life in some virtual chat room while your REAL life passes you right on by? What do you accomplish by doing that? Going to bed at night being happy that while your friends were all out enjoying their lives and making real memories, YOU were sitting in your dark bedroom in front of a computer screen for 4 hours with your fantasy boyfriend? What are you REALLY accomplishing? You need to ask yourself that. Hello Lois_Griffin. I don't know what I think I'm trying to accomplish. Maybe to finally one day meet with the person I got to know through a virtual means and which i got to like and have feeling for and make it real. There are lots of happy relationships out there that started virtually. We are supposed to meet next year and see what our feelings are, that's what we both settled on. I just don't know how to make this current thing last without commitment from his part and trust. Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 How old are you two? Best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 OP, it is never wise to get attached to a person you have not met in real life. Where are you both located (generally speaking) and how old are you? It seems you are invested and he isn't. And honestly, given that you won't meet for some time yet, you shouldn't invest a lot either. Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 I just don't know how to make this current thing last without commitment from his part and trust. Simple. You can't. So quit wasting your time. Best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts