Dad's girlfriend and her child

[Lorenza]

So in early spring my dad and his ex broke up. I was looking for a new place to live as well so we joined forces and I found a really nice small house to rent. We share rent 50/50 and I buy my own food, but he often buys various things for me and occasionally even gives money for shopping. In return I do a lot of favors for him - his car is on my name and I take care of all the bills (with his money of course) and his salary comes to my bank account. He's got a very good job but a lot of debts so he hides his incomes and material possesions by registering them on my name and getting his salary on my account. I don't like this and never did, he got me in trouble with that before (like in dept, which gave me a debt record in the national register) but I don't have any other choice but to help my parent. He'd lose a big % of his salary and his car if not me.

 

Now the living situation is pretty good, he doesn't disturb me and I don't disturb him. We're living and getting along like simple housemates except he's my dad and it's way less irritating than living with strangers. Now he also started working on a project in another city so he's only back on weekends.

 

The thing is, he's got a new girlfriend from another country. They were on LDR and recently met. He now bought her tickets to come and stay here for a month and see how it works out for them to live together. They'll be spending 5 days in another city and weekends here. If everything works out she'll move into the house. With her 8 years old daughter.

 

Here is where I start having major problems. I'm ok with one more adult living in the house, but not a child. That's nothing me and my dad agreed upon and he hasn't even asked if I'm ok with a 8 y o living here. I'm a 27 old woman, I do Bbq and karaoke evenings with my friends, work night shifts, sleep until 14, have a guy over etc. There's no way I'd tolerate a child in this house (which btw is pretty small) and it doesn't suit my lifestyle.

 

I'm pretty sure this woman will want to move here. She lives in Ukraine is severely underpaid, 15 years younger than my dad and he's super generous with her and sends her expensive presents each month. The question is - do I have the right to say that my dad will have to move out with them? Or is it me who needs to move out?

 

Have in mind these facts:

- I am the one who found the house and made an agreement with the landlords who like me a lot

- My dad bought most of the stuff needed for the house

- He depends on my name and my bank account and I fix his car bills

- He buys me stuff and helps me a lot with practical things like for example buying and building up my closet, driving me to places sometimes

- I have moved more than 15 times during my stay in this country, he moved only 2 and has significantly less stuff. Plus I have a cat and can't live in an apartment

- It's him changing things up and not asking me what I'm ok with. I mean this is my house too.

 

Who should move out? How do i approach this? I haven't told talked with him as my dad is completely impossible to communicate about problematic stuff with

[mrs rubble]

The Girlfriend and the daughter should live elsewhere.

It's too soon for your dad to be living with a woman and child. Tell him he needs longer to get to know her better.

[Lorenza]

He doesn't think it's early... It's not that uncommon of people from my culture to move in together early. He's done that before also.

[CarrieT]

Well, at 27 it must have dawned on you that at some point either you or your Dad's situation would change. You mentioned he had a girlfriend before, so it was unlikely he was going to remain single. And what about you? Was any of this discussed before you made all these complicated living arrangements?

 

I think you should have a frank and open discussion with your father about this. He wants to try it out for a month. Can you handle it for that long? And perhaps in the meantime, you could look for a larger house for all of you?

 

Why can't you have a cat in an apartment? I've had cats for 50 years and many places allow small animals. I have a feeling you living on your own might be the best alternative and as for his financial issues, I think you should extricate yourself from them. They are his problems and not yours to shoulder. What if he were to marry again? How would the new wife feel about his income going into your account? And what if you met someone and wanted to get married?

 

Too many complications with the way you two have tied your lives up together. Time to take the lumps and stand on your own two feet as separate individuals.

[SpiralOut]

Since he's impossible to talk to about problems, I would simplify the conversation with him. Tell him that you're not willing to live with a child. Ask him if he would rather move them into the place with him, or find somewhere else to live. If he gives you some vague answer like "it depends on what happens," then you may want to start looking for a new place for yourself. I don't think that it really matters who found the place or who paid for what, etc. In my experience, it's not worth it to deal with that kind of stress. If things don't work out with this woman, then a few months down the road he'll start dating someone else and want to move that person in.

 

ETA: Since he may be bringing them by on the weekends, I would use that opportunity to mention your lifestyle during conversations. Mention that you work nightshift, that you sleep during the day, have people over in the evenings, etc. Maybe mention that if they decide to move in that you very much hope to have a discussion altogether to figure things out. Say it all in a very friendly way. If his girlfriend has any common sense at all, she will see that moving in with you might be an issue, and with two of you wanting to talk about it, it would force your father to have a discussion.

Edited July 16, 2016 by SpiralOut

[Lorenza]

Well, at 27 it must have dawned on you that at some point either you or your Dad's situation would change. You mentioned he had a girlfriend before, so it was unlikely he was going to remain single. And what about you? Was any of this discussed before you made all these complicated living arrangements?

 

I think you should have a frank and open discussion with your father about this. He wants to try it out for a month. Can you handle it for that long? And perhaps in the meantime, you could look for a larger house for all of you?

 

Why can't you have a cat in an apartment? I've had cats for 50 years and many places allow small animals. I have a feeling you living on your own might be the best alternative and as for his financial issues, I think you should extricate yourself from them. They are his problems and not yours to shoulder. What if he were to marry again? How would the new wife feel about his income going into your account? And what if you met someone and wanted to get married?

 

Too many complications with the way you two have tied your lives up together. Time to take the lumps and stand on your own two feet as separate individuals.

 

Well he seemed fed up with relationships and told me he won't be looking for anything serious. Frankly my goal was to get to live in peace for one year, as I haven't lived anywhere longer than 6-8 months in the past 8 years.

 

The girlfriend will come and stay for a month alone at first. They want to see if it works. I think that one month won't show the reality of things as it's different to come for a vacation and to move here, fix the permission to stay and work, learn the language, find a job. But my dad is a quite naive guy.

 

Answering to your question I would not have a problem if an adult joined the house for a month or permanently. But I thought he'd find a woman his age with adult children, not this young with an 8 y o child, as he swore off of younger women after being used for money by one of them.

 

Eh, it's not that easy for me to stop helping him. Also, I dont want his gf to get money on her account unless theyre married. There are too many frauds out there who use men to come to a wealthy EU country, no guarantee she wouldn't run off with his money and car.

 

My cat is an outdoors cat, he'd suffer inside of an apartment :/

[anika99]

I think you and your father need to cut the apron strings and stop care taking each other. It's time for you two to become independent of each other. His problems are not your problems and vice versa.

 

If he is in love with this woman then she is the one he is going to want to be with even if she has a child. I have my doubts that this relationship will work out long term for him but who knows for sure. If it were my father my greatest concern would be that this woman is using him but even if she is he still has to make his own decisions and his own mistakes. You're greatest concern seems to be the kid but if your father doesn't have a problem with her having a child then you really don't get a say in who he chooses to shack up with.

 

It's time for one of you to move out so you can both live your lives as independent healthy adults.

[Lorenza]

I think you and your father need to cut the apron strings and stop care taking each other. It's time for you two to become independent of each other. His problems are not your problems and vice versa.

 

If he is in love with this woman then she is the one he is going to want to be with even if she has a child. I have my doubts that this relationship will work out long term for him but who knows for sure. If it were my father my greatest concern would be that this woman is using him but even if she is he still has to make his own decisions and his own mistakes. You're greatest concern seems to be the kid but if your father doesn't have a problem with her having a child then you really don't get a say in who he chooses to shack up with.

 

It's time for one of you to move out so you can both live your lives as independent healthy adults.

 

You understood it all wrong and missed the point. I don't care if he finds a woman with a kid or not - if he wants to raise it - good for him, but it is me who doesn't like the idea of living with an 8 y o under my roof. I'm not getting myself into his desicions, my concern is the house and who should move since obviously living with a child is not an option for me and my lifestyle.

 

Ok so you're saying we should stop taking care of each other, move on etc. etc. but don't answer the main question here - who should leave the house? How to tell that i dont want to live with them but don't think its fair for the to leave the house either?

 

P.s in Ukraine we don't cut the apron with our parents. The family bond is one of the most important things. Think a muslim family minus the religion.

[Clep]

Cut the apron strings simply means separating finances and living arrangements, not disowning your father. Grown children can have an amazing bond with their parents without sharing money and a home. What you are describing to me is a care taking relationship, which is great but not to this extent. Where finances are concerned he seems to be a child and you his parent.

 

I don't think anyone should leave just yet. I think your decision making is premature. You don't even know yet if she will be moving in or if it will work for them. You haven't even talked with him about it. How can you make decisions about this without having all the information which only comes through communication. Why would you move in with him if you know there will be communication difficulties about problematic situations? Why not talk with the woman and your dad together. Share what you shared here.

 

If your heritage determines the apron strings are not cut why are you even here asking who should move out? Wouldn't that be cutting the apron strings? How do you expect to continue this financial arrangement if you don't live together? He won't be alone forever and his new woman will want to take on that role of doing finances with him I'm sure whether it's this one or another. It isn't actually your role as his child. It would be if he was incapable of doing it himself but he isn't it seems. You do seem to enable each other though. You rely on him for monetary extras and he relies on you to take on his financial responsibilities.

 

I would be more concerned that a woman would leave their child of that age for a month to pursue a man. Maybe I misunderstood and she will still see her child every day but it doesn't look like that. I couldn't imagine giving up contact with my child for any man. It must be pretty important for her to be with a guy she doesn't even know.

 

This is a great lesson. If you want complete control over your own life and how you live it, live alone.

[Radu]

He doesn't think it's early... It's not that uncommon of people from my culture to move in together early. He's done that before also.

 

It isn't, but the debt he has, the gifts he lavishes on his gf who lives in Ukraine (need i remind of the reputation of LDR relationships with women in Eastern Europe ? .... i live in Romania btw), his age, the communication problems, etc ... paint the picture of someone who has wrong priorities.

 

If they come to your country there will be expenses :

- money to pay for food for both

- someone will have to pay for rent and utilities, even if you had rented the whole house regardless of how many live there, her presence there means that unless she pays for rent and utilities, you are subsidizing her (and her child)

[mrs rubble]

He doesn't think it's early... It's not that uncommon of people from my culture to move in together early. He's done that before also.

It's pretty common in lots of cultures (mine as well) but it really isn't a smart idea to start blending families and finances after only a couple of months....you say yourself he tends to go through the relationships. His last girlfriend was in spring, will he have a new one by winter??

[turnera]

You're an adult. Choose to live as an adult. Move out. Like an adult.

[Lorenza]

You're an adult. Choose to live as an adult. Move out. Like an adult.

 

Read the text carefully. Like an adult.

I do not live at my dad's house, me and my dad share the house I rented. We share the costs and help each other. The living situation in my city is tragic, so to find a place like this was almost a miracle. This is the house I found and signed the contract and then suggested my dad to move in since he broke up with his gf and had to leave her apartment. How not adult of me!

[Lorenza]

It isn't, but the debt he has, the gifts he lavishes on his gf who lives in Ukraine (need i remind of the reputation of LDR relationships with women in Eastern Europe ? .... i live in Romania btw), his age, the communication problems, etc ... paint the picture of someone who has wrong priorities.

 

If they come to your country there will be expenses :

- money to pay for food for both

- someone will have to pay for rent and utilities, even if you had rented the whole house regardless of how many live there, her presence there means that unless she pays for rent and utilities, you are subsidizing her (and her child)

 

She doesn't seem like a gold digger tbh and is the one who is a bit hesitant to come and live here, it's actually my dad who's overly excited. They met once and spent 5 days together, my dad claims she didn't ask him to buy anything. But who knows... At this age he should be able to have some basic character judgement at least.

 

I told him recently that the rent will be split on the number of adults living in the house and he said something implying that it would be too expensive for him and that maybe they will have to search for a cheaper option. Which leads me to think that they all might move out if it comes to that. So maybe it will solve itself.

[Lorenza]

Cut the apron strings simply means separating finances and living arrangements, not disowning your father. Grown children can have an amazing bond with their parents without sharing money and a home. What you are describing to me is a care taking relationship, which is great but not to this extent. Where finances are concerned he seems to be a child and you his parent.

 

I don't think anyone should leave just yet. I think your decision making is premature. You don't even know yet if she will be moving in or if it will work for them. You haven't even talked with him about it. How can you make decisions about this without having all the information which only comes through communication. Why would you move in with him if you know there will be communication difficulties about problematic situations? Why not talk with the woman and your dad together. Share what you shared here.

 

If your heritage determines the apron strings are not cut why are you even here asking who should move out? Wouldn't that be cutting the apron strings? How do you expect to continue this financial arrangement if you don't live together? He won't be alone forever and his new woman will want to take on that role of doing finances with him I'm sure whether it's this one or another. It isn't actually your role as his child. It would be if he was incapable of doing it himself but he isn't it seems. You do seem to enable each other though. You rely on him for monetary extras and he relies on you to take on his financial responsibilities.

 

I would be more concerned that a woman would leave their child of that age for a month to pursue a man. Maybe I misunderstood and she will still see her child every day but it doesn't look like that. I couldn't imagine giving up contact with my child for any man. It must be pretty important for her to be with a guy she doesn't even know.

 

This is a great lesson. If you want complete control over your own life and how you live it, live alone.

 

This is actually the first time in many years we live together and it was mostly out of convenience. I would be pretty ok continuing living like this since it's pretty comfortable for both, he's away for most of the time and has a place to stay on weekends. Also, he's my dad and we get along super good. He's probably the only person in the world who doesn't irritate me while sharing my living space cause we are so similar. But it's gonna be super tight and weird when some strangers will move in and I know it won't work for sure.

 

I know that taking care of his finances isn't what I should be doing as a daughter, but at this point there is no one else who he can register his car on and who's account he could be getting his salary on. Also he is the worst at taking care of bills. It almost seems like he has some disability when it comes to that. If his new woman will want to take over that role she will be most welcomed of course. And about the monetary extras it seems like it makes him happy to feel needed, help out, buy some stuff to me sometimes. He always does that and then look super content and proud (sometimes he buys stuff I don't really even need and I don't have the heart to dad not to, since he always looks so happy).

 

Yeah, I might be worrying prematurely but the thought is just giving me major anxiety and I needed to talk it out and hear some opinions.

 

It seems like she will leave her daughter for a month. That happens in my country all the time - parents go abroad either to work or marry and children are left behind until there are conditions for them to come. The situation in my country makes people become opportunistic and take chances to go and try to create better lives somewhere else and bring their children later. It is hard to understand for someone who never face life in post-soviet countries. So I don't judge that woman.

[MissTrudy]

your landlord might not allow a kid to move in to the house, or even a third adult. have you asked your landlord if the two of them moving in would be okay? because if not, that makes your life much more simple and your father will need to move out if he wants her to move in. that, or he can wait until the current lease is up and find a place for the three of them which i think is fair and makes sense.

 

i agree that living together for one month is not long enough to determine if it's worth moving in together. especially because there's a kid involved. one month without a kid is very different than one month with a kid