Am I Insane?

[orn428]

My relationship with my ex is very strange at the moment. I am very confused with what is going on. We are both fairly young. I am 23, and she is 25. She is a student, and about to graduate and is planning for grad school. I have been in and out of college, but never completed it.

 

Now, she and I were dating for about three years. For 2.5 of those years we had lived together. I have a very good relationship with her family.

About two months ago, she went on a trip for a program at the school she attends. When she returned, she broke up with me about a week later. I have now discovered that she met a guy on the trip in which she connected with. I also know that she broke up with me because she fell out of love with me this past year. I admit that I had some issues. I dropped out of school, and became somewhat depressed and self-absorbed. I stopped going out with her and spending time with her doing things she liked. We basically fell into a routine.

 

When she broke up with me, I decided that I would fly back to my home state and recover with family. During my time back home, she and I had a dynamic in which we would call and talk to each other like we used to, but we tried to cut off a few times when it began to hurt too much. This cycle repeated a few times, until we stabilized a bit. She expressed interest in possibly trying to fix our relationship, and that out friendship was holding us together. She expressed desire for me to return and start over.

 

Also during my time away, I was offered a job position in the town we lived in before I left. I accepted it and planned my return. At some point, she offered to let me come back to our old apartment for a few weeks to get reestablished. I took her up on the offer, and as of writing this, I have been back about a week.

During my time back, I have learned that she has been dating the guy from the trip, and that they got together very few days after I left. This was a struggle to learn, but I’ve managed to get past that at this point for the most part.

 

Now, the dynamic between the two of us has been very strange since I have been back. At first she was excited to see me, and we spent the first few days hanging out. We had fun, and had good times. Then she was distant at times. Almost as if she resented me. A few more days past, and one night she didn’t come home to the apartment. Obviously she went to his place and spent the night. I couldn’t take it anymore. The next day when I saw her, I attempted to talk about us, which she has been very resistant throughout the entire time we have been in communication since I left. I brought up feelings, and memories, and tried to convince her to give me a chance. She admitted she was seeing someone, it escalated into something different. I didn’t realize it, but I was manipulating both of us.

 

We ended up in bed, and we did it again in the morning.

The next day started with us cuddling and talking. We made breakfast and coffee. I had an appointment I had to go to, as I have been trying to find my own place. She went to work by the time I came back, but she texted me that I had manipulated her into letting me into her bed. I apologized and told her that that wasn’t my intention, I wasn’t trying to take advantage, and that I would rather cut myself out of her life than bring her anymore pain.

 

That night, as an apology, I made dinner, and bought wine. We had a good night. We listened to old songs, a few new ones. We played games. Basically we enjoyed each other’s company that night.

The next day rolled by, I had my business to attend, and she worked. I know she’s still dating this new guy, I have more information about it than I should have honestly way too many details and coincidences that I have pieced together unfortunately. I don’t know how much they see each other, but I feel it’s fairly often, but I am not pushing that. Honestly I’ve known she’s been seeing him for a while. She’s a terrible liar, and after three years with her, I can tell pretty easily. I accept it for right now, what else I can do, I am at her mercy for my living situation at the moment.

 

She has had a hot cold reaction to me since I’ve been here. She’s told me she’s seen change in me, and I have been trying to move forward. I still love her very much deep down, but I am uncertain of what she is feeling. She’s told me so many different things, that I am very confused with how to proceed aside from getting my own place as soon as possible. I am not sure if there is any chance for us or not anymore. I have made mistakes with her, I begged and groveled at first. I tired grand romantic gestures, but those were in the first month of our split. Now I am just trying to keep things civil with her, but she keeps going hot and cold. Sometimes she’s spending time with me and talking and planning, but then she’s distant and looks likes she hates me. Then she’s always on her phone. I don’t think she’s told her new guy I am here.

 

What I have decided to do, Is get my own stuff going before even attempting to think about pursuing her again. I am not even sure if I should. She didn’t cheat, but she broke with me for a fling, but then again, I was sad and apathetic. I am not like that anymore now, I am stronger. I have changed, and I think she sees it.

 

Should I even try to win her back someday? Or are we Hopeless? I am not sure how i am even handling this right now.

 

She was my best friend in the world, and now she feels like a stranger.

Edited July 16, 2016 by orn428

[basil67]

I'm glad to hear that you're getting yourself back together again. No matter what the relationship outcome is, you'll be a better man for it.

 

I don't think your gf broke it off to have a fling. Rather, I think she was very tired of the stuff happening in the relationship and was going to end it soon regardless. Then she met him and he was the final catalyst needed to end it.

 

Her hot and cold emotions could easily be explained by her being confused. She obviously cares about you, but probably not enough for a relationship. Half of her thinks she owes you another chance and the other half of her is done with it all and wants to move on. She will also be wondering/doubtful about whether or not you can achieve and then sustain the changes you need to make.

 

I'd be inclined to think that the relationship probably won't recover. But it's not impossible.

[orn428]

I have this hope in my mind that she's rebounding, but i know that i could be wrong. She told me she knew what the new relationship was, as if she was implying that it wouldn't last. Who knows? that could just be me grasping for something.

Edited July 16, 2016 by orn428

[ExpatInItaly]

Stick to you plan of getting your own place as soon as you can.

 

She is obviously very confused at the moment. On the one hand, she remembers the good times with you. It's a familiar dynamic. On the other hand, she is dating someone else and excited at that possibility. To be clear, I don't think you manipulated her into bed - she's a grown woman and easily could have said no. That's her guilty conscience speaking, because there's another man in her life who probably wouldn't be happy to know she is living with her ex and has slept with him. That also explains her general hot-cold behaviour with you.

 

I agree with basil76 that she probably didn't break up with you just to try out this new guy. It sounds more like she saw the relationship was going downhill, she became detached and when she met someone else she knew the right thing to do was end your relationship. In all fairness, it is very difficult to maintain a relationship when one person is depressed and withdrawn from their partner. I speak from experience, having been in her shoes. It's not easy to remain supportive and optimistic when you feel like your partner no longer has an interest in you.

 

Having said that, good for you for making some positive changes in your life. I would not totally discount the possibility she might be open to reconciliation one day given that you're obviously making an effort to rectify your personal issues. She has probably been waiting for you to turn over a new life for a long time. Now that you are making headway, she just might be willing to give it another go with you. But I think it probably won't happen unless and until you two really take space from each other.

[Densel]

I'm glad to hear that you're getting yourself back together again. No matter what the relationship outcome is, you'll be a better man for it.

 

I don't think your gf broke it off to have a fling. Rather, I think she was very tired of the stuff happening in the relationship and was going to end it soon regardless. Then she met him and he was the final catalyst needed to end it.

 

Her hot and cold emotions could easily be explained by her being confused. She obviously cares about you, but probably not enough for a relationship. Half of her thinks she owes you another chance and the other half of her is done with it all and wants to move on. She will also be wondering/doubtful about whether or not you can achieve and then sustain the changes you need to make.

 

I'd be inclined to think that the relationship probably won't recover. But it's not impossible.

 

I agree with the above.

I was in the same situation 7 months ago. I had a bad temper, i was disrespectful sometimes. But overall i love her deeply and will give an arm or leg to her and she knew it.

My ex was being hot and cold for the last 3 weeks of our relationship and she broke the news that she like someone else. then the new guy(and his ex gf) came to her home for a visit. That really shocked me and I took some of my stuff and left.

 

She contacted me occasionally to set a date to exchange our stuff but her being wishy washy, a date was never set.

 

I faded away. I never contact her again. I need to work on myself. To grieve, to lose weight, to manage my temper.

And I am a better person now.

 

Op. You need to let her go. Means do not contact her. Let her choose for herself what is the best for her. If she comes back means she is truly yours. If not, you have nothing to lose too by becoming a better man.