Zul Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Am pregnant by MM. He is determined to hide it from his wife. Will possibly run away. Wife knows about affair, but not about the baby. They have been together ten years and have two kids. She is undecided as yet if she will leave him. Should I tell her I am pregnant? Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by Zul Am pregnant by MM. He is determined to hide it from his wife. Will possibly run away. Wife knows about affair, but not about the baby. They have been together ten years and have two kids. She is undecided as yet if she will leave him. Should I tell her I am pregnant? No.. if he wants to, it's up to him. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by Zul Should I tell her I am pregnant? What are you motives for wanting to tell her? What are you hoping will come of it? Eventually she will find out - you can hide DNA testing and child support for only so long. One day the kid will probably seek him out, should he choose to be a 'check in the mail' sort of father. He should be the one to tell her. Perhaps if you let him know that if he doesn't tell her, you will. Either way, the cat will eventually leap out of that bag. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 If your husband were having a child by another woman, would you want to know??!?! Holy crap, man. Somebody needs to tell her. This lady deserves a chance to leave his ass. Link to post Share on other sites
Zul Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 I'm not sure what my motives are. Maybe just that she should know? I don't think we can, or should, hide a baby. I think it might be better if she heard it from him or from me, rather than someone else. I don't know what is best for her, and I know it's a little to late to think about that, but I am trying. I don't want to get them apart, or compete with her, I never have. I am who I am, and if he wants her, he should stay with her. It's my fault I didn't realize his preference earlier on. We had been together for over a year, and it wasn't your typically secret affair. He called all the time, came over in the mornings to cook me breakfast, we went grocery shopping together, he offered to pay for me to return to school and finish my degree, we saw each other every night for dinner, or walks around town, or to watch a movie or have a drink. Most people knew about the affair, but no one seemed to care, including him. I unfortunately followed his lead, and started believing everything he said, including when he told me he wanted to have a child with me. He said he was going to leave his wife in six months and would I please (because I had tried to break if off several times) wait for him? I have realized that all of this was a lie, and have no interest in a relationship with him, but I don't want to have our child grow up with parents who hate each other. Our baby either needs his father in or out of his life. After he found out I was pregnant, he told his wife about the affair, but not that I'm carrying his child. He won't give her any details about us, the relationship, or me. She doesn't know who I am, and he is determined to keep that a secret, too. She is going insane trying to find out. He's not sure what she's going to do yet. Maybe it's just because I know he wants to run away (literally, as in to a different country), and I am afraid he will do it, and I will completely responsible for a child he claimed he wanted. I'm young, and can't raise this baby by myself. I need his financial support in the least. If he leaves, I won't get anything. My child won't get anything. Maybe my motivation for telling her is so that she could have all the facts she wanted to make the best decision for her. If she knows who her husband is, she can decide if she wants to be with him. I think he is waiting for her choice, and isn't going to make one himself, until he knows what she is going to do. Is it wrong for me to think she should know about this baby? I know we won't be together. That's not the reason. I don't want that kind of person in my life. But I have a baby now, and that is his father. What am I supposed to tell the child? Your father was afraid of you, and how you would mess up his life. He took everything he owned, and moved to a different country so he could forget you, and never have to deal with you again. What am I going to say? I guess my motive is that if she knows, he won't have anything to hide, and therefore, won't run away. Maybe he'd financially, at least, help me raise this baby. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetSerenity Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 If I was this guys wife I would want to know everything. I think you should tell her but use tact when telling her and be prepared for her to go nuts. I would use the phone to do it or maybe email. Then it would be up to him to take his lashings but she can also contact you so be prepared for any venom she throws at you because this unlike other affairs is a bit difficult and its going to hurt her a lot more I would think. I could forgive if my husband went out and cheated on me and thats it, I am not so sure I could forgive him getting another woman pregnant. That would be extremely difficult. However having said that I surely hope you're not still with this MM. If you are then you need to be extremely honest with yourself and ask yourself if this guy is truly want you want because after his wife finds out you may very well find him on your doorstep. Or you might lose out altogether because MM will not be too happy that you told his wife. Either way just be safe doing it but yes I think you should tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 If he won't tell her, do the job for him. The poor lady needs to know. Maybe she'll leave him? You sound smart and seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders. I hope it all works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by Zul Am pregnant by MM. He is determined to hide it from his wife. Will possibly run away. Wife knows about affair, but not about the baby. They have been together ten years and have two kids. She is undecided as yet if she will leave him. Should I tell her I am pregnant? Tell her now before she decides to stay. Then has to go through all of this again. Originally posted by newbby what for? Um, because her husband has impregnated another woman. Enough of a reason for me to want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetSerenity Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 If you were this other woman or if any of you were, what would you find more acceptable? To be told right away or wait until your husband is having his ass hauled in for a paternity test and finding out that way? I'd tell her. I would be horrified if I thought my marriage was getting back on track and going great and then all of a sudden having my hubby hauled in for a paternity suit. Link to post Share on other sites
shygurl Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 This poor woman has every right in the world to know - and it's obvious he won't let the cat out of the bag, so someone has to, and I guess that someone needs to be you. She needs all of the information with which to make her decision as to whether she'll leave or stay. What a sad shame it would be if she decided to try and reconcile with him, yet not know about your/his child. He also needs to grow the hell up and be a man - he laid down with you, knowing full well that there was a risk you could become pregnant - yet now he's considering leaving the country and running away like a child - leaving her and his CHILDREN and responsibilities and commitments. Shame on him, what a coward. If he does leave, you may not even know how to track him down - and he is surely going to owe you child support. You may want to consider speaking right away with a lawyer who deals with family/custody law......to find out how you can protect yourself and your unborn child - because of his threat to just disappear and leave the country....leaving you (and his family) and your child holding the bag. If you tell her, that will get this all out in the open and I figure he'll be less likely to flee. I would tell her by phone, not by email...you never know if he could intercept her emails and delete what you've written. At least if you speak on the phone, you know it's her you're talking to. Have a friend there with you for support, because it's going to be tough and scary, you don't know how she's going to react. Block your phone # before calling...if that will make you feel safer (dial # 6 7 before dialing her number). Sorry, but she has a right to know, and your unborn child deserves someone to speak up on his/her behalf so that this turd doesn't get away with this. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 ...and don't be surprised if you find out in the long run that she doesn't even know about you. I wouldn't put it past him to not tell her the truth, would you? And puhleeeeease reconsider ever seeing this guy again. Nonetheless, g'luck. I hope all goes well with the bambino. Link to post Share on other sites
JPMorgan Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Get an attorney and start the child support process before he leaves the country. He still has to pay child support even if he is in another country. Ask your attorney to tell you when he has filed the necessary paperwork so that you can time it right to inform him. Then call him and tell him that you have seen an attorney and you are seeking sole custody of your child, and also child support from him. Tell him that he has x# of days to inform his wife because your attorney will be serving him with papers so that he also is responsible for covering part of the cost of pregnancy and delivery. Tell him you will call his wife on such-and-such date and time to verify that she has been told, or to tell her yourself. His wife is going to eventually find out who you are, no sense in hiding it anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 I take it neither of you used birth control... (I'm almost positive he didn't) Link to post Share on other sites
SweetSerenity Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Wow Sherlock you figured that out all on your own! You know of course I'm kidding. You're very entertaining. LOL. Link to post Share on other sites
NiCoLe20 Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 what he's doing to his wife now, is what he's probably going to do to you later on down the road... i wouldnt plan on being with this man... he'll wind up cheating on you, and getting another woman preggo... what a life right?!! you got urself in this, just handle it the best to your knowledge... once a cheater always a cheater... remember that!! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by SweetSerenity Wow Sherlock you figured that out all on your own! You know of course I'm kidding. You're very entertaining. LOL. LOL. Never ceases to amaze me how married guys can be so lazy in that they don't cover their bases properly... definitely thinking with the wrong head, that's for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by NiCoLe20 once a cheater always a cheater Hey! I used to be a cheater. I'm as faithful as they come now!! Link to post Share on other sites
Cwazydude Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Its not just married guys that are lazy, there are a ton of guys that refuse to cover up. But the weird thing is the chick still goes along with it? "It takes two to tango". And when the baby comes along all people can say is "My bad". Link to post Share on other sites
Zul Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Thank you all so much for your support. It helps to know I'm not crazy for thinking I should tell her. I'm a little worried about MM. If he finds out it was me who told (which he would, of course) I'm not sure what he would do. He's shown himself to not be who he acts/says he is, and I'm a little worried for my safety. He's never hit me in the past, so it's not necessarily a valid concern, but this is also his entire life, which is obviously important to him, now that he's in danger of losing it. If I'm the one who caused her to really leave...Also, would it be wrong to have someone else call, or go to her house and tell? Not everything, just who I am, and that I'm pregnant? That way she could call me, or we could meet, and he couldn't trace it back to me telling her. Also, if we do talk, what should I say? Everything? I was planning on telling her whatever she asked, because I know MM is keeping it all a secret and that is making her insane. Should she know the truth behind the lies of her husband? He's told me things like how he doesn't love her and never has, and how he was planning to leave her in six months. Does she need to know this, or would it only hurt her more? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by Cwazydude Its not just married guys that are lazy, there are a ton of guys that refuse to cover up. True. However, if I were married and decided to cheat, I'd be twice as careful, since I'd have more at stake than I do now. Hell, if I knocked someone up this very moment, I'd have no problem providing for the child since I'm working with no family of my own to look after, plus I wouldn't have to deal with a pending divorce, child support for the other kids, and/or alimony. I don't even have to marry the girl I knocked up or tell her lies about my "terrible" marriage. I just have to pay up and act like a decent father, not that I'm looking to become one anytime soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Cwazydude Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 You have a point westernxer, But even if someone actually decided to be smart about cheating, Cheating is a dangerous game and usually isn't thought out. They don't sit down and think "Okay, This is how I'm going to do it." It all just kinda... happens. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Um, because her husband has impregnated another woman. Enough of a reason for me to want to know. it was a valid question, tiki, she may have wanted to tell her for revenge on him or anything for all anyone knew, or to get his wife to dump him so she could have him better to know facts and feelings before offering advice imo, or i suppose you could just run in guns blazing and spout any old s*** out of your mouth without taking into consideration these are real and vunerable people quite possibly hanging onto this advice Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by Zul Thank you all so much for your support. It helps to know I'm not crazy for thinking I should tell her. I'm a little worried about MM. If he finds out it was me who told (which he would, of course) I'm not sure what he would do. He's shown himself to not be who he acts/says he is, and I'm a little worried for my safety. He's never hit me in the past, so it's not necessarily a valid concern, but this is also his entire life, which is obviously important to him, now that he's in danger of losing it. If I'm the one who caused her to really leave...Also, would it be wrong to have someone else call, or go to her house and tell? Not everything, just who I am, and that I'm pregnant? That way she could call me, or we could meet, and he couldn't trace it back to me telling her. Also, if we do talk, what should I say? Everything? I was planning on telling her whatever she asked, because I know MM is keeping it all a secret and that is making her insane. Should she know the truth behind the lies of her husband? He's told me things like how he doesn't love her and never has, and how he was planning to leave her in six months. Does she need to know this, or would it only hurt her more? Whatever you decide, you need to make sure the needs of your child are taken care of, since you are planning to have it. Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 I agree with those that tell you to say something to the wife. But have you forgotten your main concern, the most important part of this whole ordeal, THE CHILD! He has no fault in who God chose for his parents he shouldn't grow up NOT knowing who is father is. You need to have a serious talk with your MM and tell him you need to move on and think of you and the baby. It's not about him anymore, which seems he does a lot of ( think about himself). GGG's can't woman find SINGLE MEN theirs plenty out there and can't MEN learn to be faithful and also WEAR CONDOMS!! Sorry a little ranting their, but all in all you need to reconsider like Tiki said, this isn't the easiest situation to be in but you need to think about the baby and his best interest, f*** this married guy it's obvious he does't care about family values. Link to post Share on other sites
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