newbby Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 I agree with those that tell you to say something to the wife. But have you forgotten your main concern, the most important part of this whole ordeal, THE CHILD! He has no fault in who God chose for his parents he shouldn't grow up NOT knowing who is father is. You need to have a serious talk with your MM and tell him you need to move on and think of you and the baby. It's not about him anymore, which seems he does a lot of ( think about himself). GGG's can't woman find SINGLE MEN theirs plenty out there and can't MEN learn to be faithful and also WEAR CONDOMS!! Sorry a little ranting their, but all in all you need to reconsider like Tiki said, this isn't the easiest situation to be in but you need to think about the baby and his best interest, f*** this married guy it's obvious he does't care about family values. where on earth did you get your information from?, because it wasnt from anything that zul has said!!! Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by newbby it was a valid question, tiki, she may have wanted to tell her for revenge on him or anything for all anyone knew, or to get his wife to dump him so she could have him better to know facts and feelings before offering advice imo, or i suppose you could just run in guns blazing and spout any old s*** out of your mouth without taking into consideration these are real and vunerable people quite possibly hanging onto this advice I'd imagine I'd be a tad past revenge if he knocked me up. I'd hardly be telling his wife for 'revenge' purposes. She needs to know, that's the bottom line. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 JPMorgan said it best when he advised you to get the ball rolling on child support and talking to attorney or at the very least the local attorney generals office who facilitates child support matters. You already stated that you are young and concerned about being able to financialy support this child. Well the father has obligations whether he likes it or not. You can tell him that you are proceeding with the child support matter legally and give him a chance to work something out with you but then you only have his word that he will help you out and not legally obligated. You need to protect yourself in two areas, number one you want to make sure you have custody rights and that he can't come back later and try to take the child from you. Number two you need to make sure he lives up to his financial responsibilities with the baby and getting the baby on some kind of insurance plan. You have to look our for you and the baby and I think will find in the process of doing that it will all come out to his wife. He knows this and will either wait for it to come out or be forced to tell her now about what has happened. Check your motives at the door for wanting to tell the wife and just take the necessary steps to take care of you and the baby and she will find out soon enough in the process. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 I'd imagine I'd be a tad past revenge if he knocked me up. I'd hardly be telling his wife for 'revenge' purposes. She needs to know, that's the bottom line. youre missing the point, it was an example Link to post Share on other sites
Opium Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by Zul Am pregnant by MM. He is determined to hide it from his wife. Will possibly run away. Wife knows about affair, but not about the baby. They have been together ten years and have two kids. She is undecided as yet if she will leave him. Should I tell her I am pregnant? From here newbby! Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 I don't get it. If you guys were as open about your relationship as you said - how could the wife not have known?? Wouldn't she be wondering where her husband is early in the morning (when he is making your breakfast)? Wouldn't she be wondering why he is out every night?? I'm thinking she knew about this before (even if it was a hunch) before he supposedly confessed. Something seems odd. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 He should tell his wife. No one else. For you to tell her will just make things worse with her I reckon. It is like telling someone they are being cheated on, they won't believe you and will believe their partner. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by Kat It is like telling someone they are being cheated on, they won't believe you and will believe their partner. Until the court imposes a DNA test for child support. Link to post Share on other sites
shygurl Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Originally posted by Kat He should tell his wife. No one else. For you to tell her will just make things worse with her I reckon. It is like telling someone they are being cheated on, they won't believe you and will believe their partner. Um well, in case you didn't bother to read her original post - the problem is that he refuses to tell his wife. You follow? Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Originally posted by shygurl Um well, in case you didn't bother to read her original post - the problem is that he refuses to tell his wife. You follow? I did read her post. Just because he says now that he refuses to tell her doesn't mean this woman should take that responsibility away from him Link to post Share on other sites
shygurl Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Originally posted by Kat I did read her post. Just because he says now that he refuses to tell her doesn't mean this woman should take that responsibility away from him This isn't about anyone taking away the responsibility - the bottom line is the unborn child, who will one day be born - who is entitled to child support, at the very least. The original poster has every right in the world to put her child first in all of this. It's clear the MM isn't going to tell, my god, he's talking about fleeing the country - doesn't exactly sound like a responsible man who's going to fess up now does it? *rolling eyes* Link to post Share on other sites
Pecan Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Originally posted by Zul Am pregnant by MM. He is determined to hide it from his wife. Will possibly run away. Wife knows about affair, but not about the baby. They have been together ten years and have two kids. She is undecided as yet if she will leave him. Should I tell her I am pregnant? Hello I'm in the same situation except for I'm the married woman and the other woman just had my husband baby. However, I found out on my own. I found out 2 month before the baby was due. I was cleaning out my husband truck and found a letter on doing a DNA test once the baby is born. I still wonder (after 5 months) if I would not have found that letter would he have told me. All I can say is the wife have a right to know because there are all kind of diseases out there. I was pissed to know that he put MY LIFE at risk and BETRAYED OUR FAMILY. Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Originally posted by Zul Am pregnant by MM. He is determined to hide it from his wife. Will possibly run away. Wife knows about affair, but not about the baby. They have been together ten years and have two kids. She is undecided as yet if she will leave him. Should I tell her I am pregnant? I am sorry that you two have put this to be born child in this situation. I hope that he is man enough to tell his wife. I can't even imagine what it feels to be in your situation but I think it's only proper him to tell his wife. All that should matter now to you is your child and by telling his wife you are not doing any good for your child. Link to post Share on other sites
zul Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 To clear a few things up: We used condoms religiously our entire relationship. We were both tested several times, and had nothing. I also monitor my fertility (by taking my temp., checking cervical fluid, etc.) because I can't take birth control. I'm very aware of my cycle, since I've been doing this for years. Anyway, the fated night, no condoms, I’m fertile. I told him so. In fact, my exact words were, “If we have sex tonight, without a condom, there is good chance I'll get pregnant.” Obviously the rest is history. Another thing to clear up: He was home late every night, and I mean, late as in after one or two, and every night as in five or six nights a week. I'm not sure the lies he told her, but I know she was suspicious. She would find makeup on his shirts, and receipts for roses in his pockets. But she never put it together, except she had to. She just didn't want to see it, or admit it. As far as he was concerned, she’d rather have a cheating husband, then no husband. And of course, that was fine with him. Also, if he’s not going to tell her, which isn’t an if at all, he’s already told me he’s not telling her, then and it falls on my shoulders, should it be me, or should it be someone else? I still haven’t exactly decided if I will tell or not, but if I do, which seems to be the right thing, then would it be wrong for someone else to start it and me to finish? I’m sure there will be no DNA testing, so I’m not counting on that to clear anything up. It’s ours, no question. One more thing. I know this entire relationship was wrong. I know the once a cheater, always a cheater. I know all this, I deserve what I get. It’s fine if you want to remind me of it, but trust me, you’re saying anything I haven’t ran through my head a million times already. I loved him. I thought he loved me. I thought things were different, and I believed him when he said they were. And I am excited to have this baby, regardless of everything bad and negative surrounding it. I’m determined to stay positive and stay strong, because anyone can say mean things, and hurtful things, and see all the things that are wrong. But it’s not as easy to see something good, and if I don’t do it, who will? Link to post Share on other sites
Zaira Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 If she knows about your affair but isn't going to break up with him, then do you think telling her about the baby will? I believe she has a right to know, but are you hoping to achieve anything by telling her? If not, I'd say leave it up to the man, and just look after yourself and your baby Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Originally posted by shygurl This isn't about anyone taking away the responsibility - the bottom line is the unborn child, who will one day be born - who is entitled to child support, at the very least. The original poster has every right in the world to put her child first in all of this. It's clear the MM isn't going to tell, my god, he's talking about fleeing the country - doesn't exactly sound like a responsible man who's going to fess up now does it? *rolling eyes* The first thing on my list if things to worry about when pregnant is having a healthy and happy child and it having the best life I can offer it. NOT how much money I can get out of the father Originally posted by Pecan I was pissed to know that he put MY LIFE at risk and BETRAYED OUR FAMILY. I was cheated on while pregnant... i know how you feel Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 But have you forgotten your main concern, the most important part of this whole ordeal, THE CHILD! this is her main concern as she already said, she is not worried about the mm only about what the mm will do. hey zul, i think you sound like you will be a great mother, so dont listen to all these "poor child" comments. as you said, either a decent father or not at all, either one of these is fine. i know what youre saying, that theres a chance that the only reason he is not being a father is because all he can see at the moment is his own fear, and all he can think about is hiding things. i think from the situation you have described, you would feel alot safer if everything was out in the open, you are probably concerned about your child with him wanting to keep the child secret. at least with this exposed you know that he knows that others are in the know yes, i think you should tell his wife, not for her sake, but for the sake of your baby, and i think you are in fact safer telling her. if you tell her you dont have to tell her too many details, just say i know he loves you and that he considers this a huge mistake, it was my choice to have the baby, but this is best out in the open. if you are worried about him going crazy, possibly violent etc, you are actually safer this way, it seems to me anyway. if he asks you why tell him the truth, that you are only thinking of your child. this is my opinion, i think you will know the best thing to do Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Let's face it, if one child was conceived from every affair had, there'd be a whole lot of babies running around. Some people should consider themselves lucky to never get impregnated during their affair/relationship. This isn't the first, and it SURE won't be the last time it'll ever happen. It's part of having sex, people are bound to get pregnant every now and then. Just because it's a child of a lover who happens to be married to another woman, doesn't mean you should treat the child any less than a magical occurence. I know it must be hard and complicated, but a child is always beautiful and had no choice into this matter. It happens. You have sex, people get pregnant. It'd be naive to think otherwise. It's part of the risk you take, and I'm sure the original poster knows this. It seems redundant to point it out. Link to post Share on other sites
shygurl Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 The original poster (Zul) writes: To clear a few things up: We used condoms religiously our entire relationship. We were both tested several times, and had nothing. I also monitor my fertility (by taking my temp., checking cervical fluid, etc.) because I can't take birth control. I'm very aware of my cycle, since I've been doing this for years. Anyway, the fated night, no condoms, I’m fertile. I told him so. In fact, my exact words were, “If we have sex tonight, without a condom, there is good chance I'll get pregnant.” Obviously the rest is history. So it seems clear that you were looking to get pregnant because you apparently were very clear to him prior to having sex that night that if you didn't use condoms, knowing your cycle/fertility the way you do - that you'd get pregnant. So why on earth did you do this? It's one thing if the condom breaks, it's one thing if a woman doesn't think she's at the time of her cycle to ovulate - but you have been practicing this method for years and knew you were very fertile at this time of the month - so why did you let this happen? Why would you take steps to have a married man knock you up? That is unbelievable. Link to post Share on other sites
zul Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Ok, first of all, I didn't "take steps" to get myself pregnant from him. If that's what I ultimately wanted, I could have done it a year ago, or six months, or whatever. Why would I do that? I had plans to finish college and to volunteer in South America. A baby means bottles, not Machu Picchu, and I'm very aware of that. This was an accident, but it was also discussed. We had talked about having children, starting a life, etc. On his birthday, when I told him I had a big surprise for him, he said, "What? I'm going to be a daddy?" And on the night I got pregnant, I informed him of my fertility, I didn't force him to have sex with me. He has a little more control in that area if you know what I mean. If something is talked about, if it's put out there in the universe, and things come together at the right time, you might just get all of your words into a reality. That's what happened. But like a lot of things, you think one way, and when you're face to face with it, it's a bit different. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 On his birthday, when I told him I had a big surprise for him, he said, "What? I'm going to be a daddy?" yes, this i can well believe. i dont think people realise the extent of mm's lies. it sounds like exactly the kind of thing my xmm would have said. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Are you going to keep your baby, or consider adoption? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by zul On his birthday, when I told him I had a big surprise for him, he said, "What? I'm going to be a daddy?" And on the night I got pregnant, I informed him of my fertility, I didn't force him to have sex with me. He has a little more control in that area if you know what I mean. Well, now you know his true colors... what a price, though Link to post Share on other sites
zul Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 I'm having it, and I'm keeping it. Link to post Share on other sites
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