Should I tell MM's wife I am pregnant?

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by Leah

If you're not capable of bringing in the balance then, I agree with New_wife, adoption would be an excellent option.

 

Oh, for god's sake!!!

I admit I stopped reading New_Wife's post at the point where she started writing about teenagers so I never got to the adoption part. Although many kids are happier as adopted than with their original parents, it's a huge trauma for a mother to give her baby away.

[New_Wife]

EASY RP! I suggested it as one of two options. The other was to knowingly accept that her young womanhood ends now. Adoption is not for everyone. It is a HUGE trauma. But it might be something to consider.

[tiki]

You guys are discussing parenting options on a thread about telling the MM's wife about the baby.

 

I've not heard the poster bring up aborting or adopting the child. She wanted opinions on if she should tell the MM's wife!

[New_Wife]

True enough, Tiki. My mind (and post) wanders.

 

But it seems to me that what she needs to consider is if she is really ready to have this baby before she decided what to do regarding the MM. He's already made it crystal clear that he's not going to help or care.

 

She came to LS for advice and help. That's mine.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by tiki

You guys are discussing parenting options on a thread about telling the MM's wife about the baby.

 

I've not heard the poster bring up aborting or adopting the child. She wanted opinions on if she should tell the MM's wife!

 

You're absolutely right! This is so typical for LS-ers. Someone asks what to buy for her husband's B-day and they start persuading her to divorce him.

The girl is obvioulsy keeping the baby, because she wants it. It's very hurtful to tell her that she should consider giving it up.

She has decided to put up with what parentship brings and it's her choice. She needs to prepare everything for the baby and money is her bigest problem right now. She might actually consider moving in with her parents, getting a job and financial support from the baby's father.

[dresden]

Zul, I agree that the wife needs to be told about the baby, but I do not agree that you should do it. Find a neutral third party to do it. If she wants to talk to you, she'll find you.

 

The suggestion that a date and time be specified to the father is a good one. Maybe he'll be a stand-up guy and take responsibility.

 

Parenting advice: Your child will have a better life if you are educated and have a decent career ahead of you. Wow, kiddo. Best of luck and blessings on the baby.

[Leah]

Find a neutral third party to do it

 

 

Come on ... get real. Now just where are they going to get this "neutral third party"? Well, I've already offered my services.... but what can I say

 

In the mean time while they're interviewing for this "neutral third party", the poor woman in question is possibly being exposed to HIV. I don't think so !!

 

Wake up. If anyone DOES find out you were involved, if they have any moral values they will salute you, if not, then it really doesnt matter anyway.

 

Just go on and do what you know is right and unless this woman hires a clairvoyant she'll never know who sent the card.

[Leah]

Woops ... I got my last post confused with response to another one that's soooo very similar.

 

Forget the part about Hiv and the "Just go on and do what you know is right and unless this woman hires a clairvoyant she'll never know who sent the card."

 

[mazza32cott]

From the responses I have read it is easy to see that most people believe the wife should be told. I think as it will have an impact on her she should be told. You may even be surprised to know that she probably has no idea what has been going on. One thing about a two timing *** is that you can rest assured he is also a liar.

 

You have a long road ahead of you. Good luck with the baby but definately let her know asap.

[mazza32cott]

Does your family know? Can someone help you with telling her? I know that he will more than likely not be very happy about this and this will probably worry you. I think you need some support on how to do this.

 

Please anyone give her some ideas on how to do this...

 

Maz

[Zul]

OK, first, I'm keeping this baby. No abortion, no adoption. This child is mine and will be treated as so.

 

Second, no, I don't know how hard it is to be a single mother, because as of yet, I haven't been one. I'm not going to pretend I can understand what it's like to spend all of your money on diapers and formula, and wake up six times a night to feed, rock, hold, etc. your child. But I was the daughter of a young, single mother, and she has been the most important inspiration in my life thus far, to show me that whatever I want, I can get, and what I set my mind to, I will accomplish. I have her support, and the support of an amazing father as well. I am determined to do this, and to do the best I can. I may not have been a single mom before, but that doesn't mean I don't have other life experiences that have been difficult to help me find my own strength on my own path.

 

Thirdly, in a previous post I had suggested asking someone else to tell his wife, but no one responded to it. I have a friend who knows this woman, and used to work with her. She has the very strong opinion that his wife should know, and has offered to tell her. I wasn't sure if that was the right way to do it, thinking that MM should be the one to do it. However, I talked to him today, and am pretty sure he is planning to move within a few weeks. I think it's important for her to know before she packs up her life and moves away with this man, who she might have very different ideas about once she finds out I'm pregnant.

 

One last thing--she (wife) is coming in to "see" me while I am at work. It's definitely not the place to do it, but I am thinking if she comes in again, I might offer to talk to her. She's obviously coming for a reason, I'm just not sure exactly what she wants. Does anyone have any ideas why she's doing this and/or strong feelings against me talking to her?

[Leah]

I had suggested asking someone else to tell his wife, but no one responded to it. I have a friend who knows this woman, and used to work with her. She has the very strong opinion that his wife should know, and has offered to tell her. I wasn't sure if that was the right way to do it, thinking that MM should be the one to do it.

 

You should know, of course, that this man is not going to tell her.

 

I would go for either option ... your friend telling her or you telling her. It sounds like to me that she already knows or suspects.

 

I think a third alternative would be for you to tell her but include your girlfriend in the chat ... IF you do this face to face you may need someone else, otherwise, you may want to call her on the phone.

 

The sooner you tell her the better off for everyone. Good luck.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by Zul

 

 

One last thing--she (wife) is coming in to "see" me while I am at work. It's definitely not the place to do it, but I am thinking if she comes in again, I might offer to talk to her. She's obviously coming for a reason, I'm just not sure exactly what she wants. Does anyone have any ideas why she's doing this and/or strong feelings against me talking to her?

 

The possibilities are endless:

 

1) To get some decorating tips

2) To borrow a cup of sugar

3) She's planning your baby shower

4) Her people couldn't connect with your people to set up a lunch date so she's setting it up herself

5)) She's heard her husband knocked someone up and wants to verify that the mistress (you) really IS in the family way.

6)) She wants to knock your block off for allowing your vagina to house her husband's penis.

[mazza32cott]

I guess it's a bit scary that she's coming in to see you at work. Why does she come in in the first place? Does she say anything to you?

 

As for your options, yes, I think either option will be good. Mmmm don't envy your situation.

 

Maz

[Zul]

I'm doing it. She needs to know, for all of the reasons you've brought up, plus more. I know for sure it's to "keep him" or "get him" (not that I ever thought I was but I know some of you suggested it) because I realized tonight that I wouldn't want to be with him anyway. He's a worthless, selfish, pathetic, coward, and there isn't one thing he could do to make me change my mind. I didn't think I would take him to court, because I figured we could solve it on our own, but after our conversation tonight, there is no way in hell he's getting off without a scratch while I both raise the child, and pay for everything. And after that decision, I realized that the effect this will have on their combined finances alone is reason enough to tell. I called my friend, and she is planning on telling her either tomorrow or Saturday afternoon. I hope I'm making the right decision. Thanks all for your encouragement and support.

[tiki]

Good luck! I hope it all works out for the best.

[1Yoyo]

Originally posted by Zul

I'm doing it. She needs to know, for all of the reasons you've brought up, plus more. I know for sure it's to "keep him" or "get him" (not that I ever thought I was but I know some of you suggested it) because I realized tonight that I wouldn't want to be with him anyway. He's a worthless, selfish, pathetic, coward, and there isn't one thing he could do to make me change my mind. I didn't think I would take him to court, because I figured we could solve it on our own, but after our conversation tonight, there is no way in hell he's getting off without a scratch while I both raise the child, and pay for everything. And after that decision, I realized that the effect this will have on their combined finances alone is reason enough to tell. I called my friend, and she is planning on telling her either tomorrow or Saturday afternoon. I hope I'm making the right decision. Thanks all for your encouragement and support.

 

 

 

All the best. Let us know what happens.

 

 

Yo

[whichwayisup]

She deserves to know. Either by you or an annonomous note. At some point in time SHE will find out, not from you or her husband, but by someone who knows the situation anyway. People love gossip.

 

Talk to a lawyer. If he isn't going to have anything to do with the baby, he either pays child support or he gives up ALL parental rights- forever.

 

Don't expect ANYTHING from him. I hope you have friends and a supportive family because you're gonna need extra pairs of hands.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes if you decide you're gonna actually tell her or send a note.

[Samantha2005]

Hurry up and send the note then let us know what happens. She needs to know.

[shygurl]

Wondering how the "meeting" went.

[Zul]

I haven't done it yet, and I don't know why. OK, well, I think I know why, but I'm not sure. First of all, I can't lose my job, and since she knows where I work (and has come in to "see" me before) I'm afraid she'll make a big scene and I'll get fired. Not to mention my boss is already watching me, since I've missed a few days from being sick. (He knows I'm pregnant.) I know they can't fire you for that, but I'm still worried. I really can't lose this job, especially now.

 

Second, the other half of me still feels that he is the one who needs to do this. I've already decided to leave the area (my Dad was planning on moving south, and I'm going with him) and leave him behind. I don't expect anything from him, and am not planning on keeping in contact with him. I think sometimes that maybe I should just let it fall how it will, without messing around, and getting someone else to ruin her life just a little bit more. She's going to find out eventually, and I definitely think the sooner the better, but maybe not. Maybe she's better off clueless for as long as possible. I don't know. I can't decide if I should bust everything up, and risk getting fired, or let it happen without sticking my fingers in it. But of course, I know I've gone too far for that. Any suggestions?

[1Yoyo]

If you are moving with your Dad, down south why not tell her?? If you will leave your job anyway, you need not worry about getting fired. It is a difficult situation to be in, again as I posted previously you need to think about your child FIRST and do what is best for him/her. All the best. Keep us posted!

 

Yo

[SoftDrink]

it doesn't really matter what your motives are.

 

the result will be the same for her, no matter for what reason you are telling her.

 

(i didn't read to the end of this thread, so i'm behind, forgive me.)

 

i don't know if you should tell her or not...but i do think she should know about it.

[newbby]

not so sure actually,

if zul is planning to raise the child herself and just let it have no father, then why does the wife need to know?

if youre thinking future when the child is what 16? 18? and MIGHT want to see her father know who he is etc, then why not cross that bridge when you come to it?

[Zul]

I did it. She knows. We talked for about two hours (on the phone) and he was sitting next to her the entire time. I talked to him, too, and all he could say was, why? why did you do this? She yelled at me at first, and called me a stupid bitch, but then she started talking to me, and confiding in me. We started sharing things with each other, things about him, and things about our respective lives together with him. By the end of the conversation, I really felt good, and like I had helped her, and it seemed she felt the same. She told me she was leaving him, and that she didn't care what he was going to do. When we finally hung up, I was still stunned it had actually happened, but I really felt good for trying to do something good.

 

The next morning, I started thinking of him, and what he might be feeling. I really believed her when she said she was going to leave, and so I expected her and the kids to be gone, and him sitting alone in their house. He also just quit his job, so I was worried about that too. His entire world, his wife, his kids, his job, and me, was literally taken from him in two days. Everything he had was gone. He had mentioned committing suicide before, and I started feeling sick inside, and feeling like I was going crazy. I had to call and make sure he was OK.

 

He answered the phone, and his wife and kids were sitting right next to him. I couldn't believe what happened next. It was like we were having two different conversations. He had spent the entire night lying to her, telling her everything I said wasn't true. He told I do drugs (completely not true) and that I never wanted him to see his kids, that I really wasn't 10 weeks pregnant, everything, every single thing I'd been honest about, instead of agreeing and saying, yes, it's true, I'm so sorry, I love you, let's work on our relationship, he lied to her again, and again, and again. It was unbelievable. She now completely hates me, and after I hung up on him, she called me back five times to scream at me, and accuse me of lying, of being a drug addict, of hating her kids, all sorts of things that he'd spent the night telling her. I can't believe how he betrayed me again. I ended up not answering the phone after three phone calls, and I haven't talked to either of them since.

 

Last night I was in the Chinese restaurant we used to go in all the time together, and the waiter asked if he was coming. I said no, and then he said, oh, he quit his job, right? I said yes, and then he continued. Yeah, he was in the other day and said he was moving to Mexico. Too bad. I can't believe it. I knew he would do this. Leave me, pregnant, and alone, to raise his child, while he goes to Mexico, never paying a dime, and doing his best to forget me, and that this ever happened. I've been in shock for the past few days, and have done nothing but lie in bed. I can't eat, I can't sleep, and all I do is cry and cry for hours. I can't believe it's ended like this. Except it hasn't ended. For me, it's just beginning. I don't know what to do. I'm so depressed right now I can't even think straight.