Should I tell MM's wife I am pregnant?

[ww]

ok

[LucreziaBorgia]

Do you have a good support system set up for yourself and your child to help you out if MM decides to be a 'check in the mail' sort of father? What if MM and W sue for custody? Lots of X factors in a case like this.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by zul

Ok, first of all, I didn't "take steps" to get myself pregnant from him. If that's what I ultimately wanted, I could have done it a year ago, or six months, or whatever. Why would I do that?

 

I had plans to finish college and to volunteer in South America. A baby means bottles, not Machu Picchu, and I'm very aware of that. This was an accident, but it was also discussed. We had talked about having children, starting a life, etc. On his birthday, when I told him I had a big surprise for him, he said, "What? I'm going to be a daddy?" And on the night I got pregnant, I informed him of my fertility, I didn't force him to have sex with me. He has a little more control in that area if you know what I mean.

 

If something is talked about, if it's put out there in the universe, and things come together at the right time, you might just get all of your words into a reality. That's what happened.

 

But like a lot of things, you think one way, and when you're face to face with it, it's a bit different.

 

Sorry, still don't get it. Of course you didn't force him to have sex, he was a willing participant despite you informing him that if condoms weren't used, due to where you were in your cycle, you'd likely get pregnant - but the bottom line is that YOU are the who's pregnant now, not him. You're the one who has to make the choice about what to do (have baby, adoption, abortion, etc), and you're the one who will very likely be raising this MM's child all on your own, and bringing this child into a world where there's a good chance his/her father won't be there in his/her life.

 

Sorry but I don't understand why a mistress would take such high risks of getting pregnant - when she knew the risks were so high - why a mistress would fall for the line about "I want us to have kids someday" when the guy is still married, still going back to his wife, still living with his wife, still having toe-curling sex with his wife, still with his WIFE.

 

Sorry but a child doesn't deserve to come into this world through such a sordid mess.

 

And if you were so intent on going back to school and going off to volunteer in S.A. you simply would not have accepted anything less than him using a condom - but you made the conscious choice not to and now you're in this mess and one day you're going to have to tell your child that he/she was the product of an affair. It's all so sad. Why are women so guillible and so ready to screw up their life for someone else's husband.

[newbby]

Sorry, still don't get it

Sorry but I don't understand

Sorry but

 

at least you apologised

[zul]

Newbby, you're great. I can't explain how nice it feels to feel support, even if it's only faceless words. Maybe that is the best support their is: encouragement to continue on, knowing that despite the wrong, it can still be OK. Thank you.

[newbby]

zul honey,

i am not saying everything is going to be fine, its going to be really, really, really hard if you decide to keep the baby. however i dont neccessarily agree that having no father around has to negatively affect a child. i know alot of people who had no fathers or had a**h*** fathers, because they had strong mothers, they are fine. in fact alot of them are stronger for it, because their role model is an independent strong person.

theres one thing that you need to do though, and that is to be prepared. it is going to be harder than you expect. what support structure do you have? do you have a good supportive family? how about friends? be aware that if alot of your friends are childless, they may not be there once you have the child. you are young yes?

how about the mm's wife situation? have you decided what to do on that?

you sound like you would be a great mother, but you must get the support that you need.

[SweetSerenity]

Don't listen to the negative people Zul. It was an accident. Shygurl is not without making mistakes in her lifetime, none of us are. I advocate that you keep the baby as well. So long as you're able to be fully there mind, body, and soul for yourself and that baby. No one on this forum can tell you what to do and no one should be putting you down. Goodluck to you and I hope all turns out for the best.

[cheatersrsad]

Some women worry too much about their "situation" and not about their child! I truly hope you aren't one of them.

 

Tell the MW and focus on what's impt to your unborn. With the energy you are exerting over telling this wife the truth you maybe could have gotten the ball rolling for DNA testing, child support, childcare costs, etc.

 

The true importance here is not the cheating MM or your broken heart - it's the life you MUST provide for your child because you choose to be a Mom.

 

I wish you luck.

[Vega]

You sound like the opposite situation of me. My DH had an affair and the OW had his baby.

 

There are times when I wish I knew nothing about the baby or the affair - it was so much simpler then. But, I am glad that I do know so I can take care of my own kids better and help them understand all the stuff going on.

 

The father is partially responsible for the cost of the baby, but you are too and can't expect him to pay 100% of the costs. His wife may (or may not) fight on this point.

 

You can do it without his presence if you have to and your baby is owed some financial support. Good luck.

[Zul]

I really appreciate everyone's advice and (kind) words. One thing I've noticed people getting upset over is the well-being, health, etc. of my child. This baby is the first thing on my mind when I wake up, all I think about during the day and what I dream about at night. I'm in the process of getting set up with assistance for day-care, and with WIC to help offset some costs of food and formula. I have my first appointment with the midwife this Saturday, and have already bought several books on natural childbirth, breastfeeding, the growing fetus, etc. I'm taking my prenatal vitamins and eating well. I've joined a gym, too. I've decided not to buy anything until I reach three months when the threat of miscarriage is (pretty much) over. My parents know, my friends know, and everyone is excited for me, and sure I will be a great mom. Yes, I am concerned with his wife, I'm concerned with him, I'm concerned with myself, and my changing life, but most of all, I am concerned with this child. Please don't think I am doing anything but the best for my baby. The reason (from my very first post) I wanted his wife to know, was so that he wouldn't have a reason to run away. If his wife is in the dark, and he wants to keep it that way, leaving the states would almost guarantee it. But if she knows, maybe he won't leave, i.e. be around to help me with this child. I have been thinking non-stop about this baby since I found out I was pregnant, and any outside drama, or missing fathers won't change that.

[Kat]

Originally posted by Zul i.e. be around to help me with this child. I have been thinking non-stop about this baby since I found out I was pregnant, and any outside drama, or missing fathers won't change that.

I think you are expecting way to much from this guy.

 

A child can be perfectly happy without a father, without a mother, without an arm and I am sure you know this. But I think he has made it perfectly clear about what he wants and doesn't want. So why do you keep pushing this? You are choosing to have this child, you choose the consequences

[mazza32cott]

I know it is all a bit late for this but really shouldn't you make sure someone is finished with a relationship before starting a new one.

 

I feel for you that you now have a baby on the way and perhaps no one to help you financially. However, you knew from the start that he was committed and you are therefore just as much to blame as him. Did he know you weren't using protection?

 

I feel for his wife and family as she has already has children with him and now their world is being torn apart literally.

 

I don't feel for the scumbag though. Seems like he is ruining a lot of people's lives and will then run away from it all.

 

Tell his wife what a scumbag he is, take him for what you can get. He deserves what's coming to him.

 

I do hope, however, that you will learn from this experience as you are by no way faultless.

 

Maz

[neverwilllearn]

Well, I can tell you only what happened to me. Same thing.. I always believed that he loved me, always but had a wife and 3 grown children. I never once presured him. I didn't ask him for a nickle because I have a good job. He was there for the birth. He has been givin money since day one without any court order. The only thing I remember telling him when the matter came up was that the Child would hate him knowing that she was not good enough to have his last name. So she has his last name. I never told the wife. But I knew he loved the baby and he had the older son fly in to meet the baby. It took a few years but eventually he did tell the wife. Fast forward. My baby is now 11 and recently got back from vacation with her dad and wife and her older sisters and brothers and nephews on that side and had a ball. And for the past couple of years the wife even bought her a ton of clothes on each visit. So sometimes with patience the outcome is good ... for the child anyway. And I couldn't be happier for her. Because to me she is the important one in this equation.

[zul]

To those (save a few) who posted after my last post...what are you talking about? When did I say it was all his fault? When I did I call myself a victim and ask for sympathy? When did I ever express that I didn't care about his wife and other children? This post is not about who's to blame, who's hurting, who's mad, who's crying. It's not about my baby, whom I shouldn't have to defend anyway. The original question was, do I tell his wife about the pregnancy? What I wrote is what happened, my part included. Remember the night in the park? Yes, I shouldn't have gotten involved with a married man. Believe me, I've learned that lesson. I didn't ask for advice about DNA testing, court ordered child support, or worthless words on my "poor kid". Do you really need to tell me this isn't the perfect situation? Do you need to remind me of how hard this is gong to be? It happened, and I'm trying to deal with it in the best way that I can. If you want to have an opinion, fine. But if your opinion is gee, what a shame, or wow, how horrible, or I don't feel sorry for you at all, Zul you stupid b*tch, go write in your f*cking journal. Tell me something I don't know, and answer my g*ddamn question while you're at it.

[1Yoyo]

I would say let the wife make her decision based on what she knows now. After she has made her decision, you can choose to tell her or not, I suppose this would depend on what you expect of her husband. Just do what is best for your child. I thought about having a child with my MM, never expected it to really happen with my medical problems and all, but here I am and yes, it did happen. He is my "Happy Oops" as I call him. I love him dearly and will do what is best for him ALWAYS.

 

He is almost three months old now. His father sees him when he can, much like it is with our relationship. I am saddened some nights thinking that I probably should have had an abortion once I found out, but I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad I did not. My son is wonderful.. My family and friends love him and they support me, in my decision to raise my son on my own. It is not the ideal situation, but I am here and I will make the best of it for my son. I wish you all the best in whatever happens.

 

Yo

[Leah]

I'm sorry ...

 

But If I were "MM's" wife, I'd SURELY want to know !! I suspect that she may even have a right to know !??

 

Duhhh...

 

"MM" has done an excellent job of ferreting his way into this tunnel, now let him ferret himself out. Yes !! Of course, tell her immediately !! Then do yourself a favor and get rid of the jerk ... after you've seen at attorney to secure child support.

[mazza32cott]

"Maybe he'd financially at least, help me raise my child"

 

You said answer the question and I thought in the previous post I did by saying yes tell the MM what a scumbag he is.

 

The fact that legally he will have to finacially support the child, is reason enough to tell her as this will affect his family.

 

Maz

[Leah]

And morally it is the only option... it's the right thing to do. Tell her she needs to know.

[tiki]

Originally posted by mazza32cott

The fact that legally he will have to finacially support the child, is reason enough to tell her as this will affect his family.

 

What a GREAT point.

[RecordProducer]

Zul, I don't know if you have told his wife already, but I would say if you want to do his wife a favor then tell her. If you want to do yourself a favor then don't tell her.

I don't understand why you kept the baby in the first place since you're single, young, and can't even support the baby. You really might lose it although it's not very likely. Most likely he will support the kid financially as the court decides.

 

For how long have you been pregnant? How old are you?

 

You should determine your goals in this situation. If you want him to leave his wife and live with you then be sweet to him and don't force him to do anything. Tell him you need to purchase things for the baby. If he acts like he doesn't care, if he avoids you then you'll know that he doesn't want to be with you. I don't think your problem is his wife as much as him. It's possible that he wouldn't want to be with you even if he were divorced from his wife.

 

You need to sign an agreement with him (before his wife finds out) about how much money he will give you in the next 18 (or 21) years. You are likely to get more money if you talk to him nicely than if you go to court. Be sensible and reasonable if you want his money and time. Your child will need a father. The two of you are now related for life so don't burn any bridges.

 

Don't worry, he is not going to escape to another country.

[Leah]

Zul -

 

Under any circumstance the wife needs to know.

 

This is sheer common sense and decency. After all, wouldn't you want to know if your husband got another woman pregnant ?? Only a fool would not want to know.

 

Additionally, you need to secure a good attorney ASAP to start the legal process for child support and DON'T rely solely on your conversations with this man to get it !!

 

Face it, he's already shown his true colours, and they're not very flattering... I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure out that he's not going to get any better.

 

So, if you want to do both the wife AND yourself a favour, tell her immediately and get the best child support attorney you can get ASAP.

 

By the way, I'm sure the paralegals in ANY attorney's office would be available to chat with you right now !! Pick up the phone and give them a call... they are the professionals !!

 

Let THEM confirm the best moves for you to make !! They deal with these issues every single day. Good luck Zul.

[tiki]

Zul, have you made a decision?

[New_Wife]

I was a single mother for a great many years. Shoot, for all intents and purposes, even when I was married to my kids' father, I was a single parent. I don't want to discourage you unneccesarily, but there is a tendency to think of only the cute lovey baby part, and miss the truly awful part.

 

Sometimes, cute little baby will spike a 103 fever in the middle of the night when you are alone & have to work the next day. You will stay up all night, after trying to break the fever, maybe the baby vomits in your hair and you have to clean everything up, and the daycare won't take him/her in the morning because baby is ill. Your daycare costs will likely be equal to or more than your rent. You can say goodbye to new cars, new clothes, nights out with friends, parties, shopping, manicures, pedicures, regular haircuts, club memberships, etc. This baby will take all of your finances, and then 20% more. It will grow out of clothes faster than you can buy them, diapers cost insane amounts, and toys - whew.

 

Sometimes cute baby will turn into hideous 3 year old who says "NO" to every command you ask, hurls itself to the floor in the grocery store and pitches a hellacious fit. Sometimes cute baby can show it's butt like this for days on end, and you sit in your bathroom crying because you have no escape. You are the ONLY parent, you have no one to pass baby off to when it's sick, tired, insomniac, bratty, or just plain overwhelming. You define alone. Even parents only want to take grandbabies but so much.

 

Cute Baby eventually turns into mouthy preteen who knows everything and calls you to the carpet to account for everything in his/her life that he/she feels you failed him/her on. Cute Baby will go to the ER no less than once a year, because that's what kids do. This costs Much money, and gives many grey hairs. Cute baby will narrow your future dating choices considerably, and the circumstances of cute baby's existence will narrow it further.

 

Cute Baby eventually becomes teen ager. If you marry at some point and have new kids, Cute Baby-now teen can become resentful of new kids w/dad, can be ignored by step dad, can try to mess things up to have you all to his/herself again. Cute Baby may look at porn, call you a B!tch, sneak out, smoke, drink, scare the crap out of you, fail in school, or any other things - as teens tend to gravitate toward some sort of rebellion as sure as the sky is blue. Cute Baby gets MORE expensive as it gets older, not less.

 

I love my kids. I would not want to miss out on knowing them. But if I could have somehow had them with my current husband, starting at about age 30, I would switch in a heartbeat. They missed out on a lot due to my single status, and I made good money. I missed out on a lot, because their needs come first. Child support really doesn't cover it. IF you get it, it's still not enough, and it may lower any eligibility you have for assistance, thereby putting you in a worse spot than w/o it.

 

Please carefully evaluate your choices here. Price check what this is really going to be - financially, emotionally, socially. Adoption is also a loving choice. It's harder - but when is the right thing ever easier? If that's not the choice for you - please go into this with knowledge and acceptance that your young womanhood ends now.

[Leah]

New_wife gives exellent advice and of course it's certainly true that child support won't cover it all. If you're not capable of bringing in the balance then, I agree with New_wife, adoption would be an excellent option.

[RecordProducer]

New-Wife, that's a great post. She doesn't realize that being a single mother is most of the time a very sad state of mind. Luckily I live with my mother and I have two kids who play with each other cuz they're twins.

Kids en-prison your freedom to a certain extent... like 100%.