I'm "married" to a married man

[13Hearts]

I live in New York. She does as well. Same city.

 

He's not violent or abusive. He's really good to me.

 

I have my bachelor's and I've been working on my masters slowly. I have a job. It's not a great one but pays the bills and we don't live paycheck to paycheck. I'll be more financially secure when I finish school.

 

I wish he would just leave her and be with me and only me. Take care of his other kids but be with me. He still wants more kids. He was insistent they have his last name. The other day he said he has to stay with his "real family" but hopefully we will have another baby, since we were unprotected.

 

Im scared to be a single mom at 24 to 3-4 kids.

 

I guess I have to look into lawyers and find one.

 

KNOCK.KNOCK.KNOCK. Hellooooo?? You ARE a single mom to 3-4 kids!!

[sandylee1]

You're living too much of a lie and you need to get this out to make a better life.

 

You must know that this lie about his parents being dead is huge. Only a man up to no good would tell such a big lie. You and he have hidden his other family like they don't exist.

 

One guarantee in life, is death. The only unknown is the 'when'.

 

Putting his death to one side, what if anything happened to you? Who will look after your kids? Will your family know where to contact him? Is he your legal next of kin?

 

If so, picture him receiving a call about an accident or that youre terribly ill in hospital and he has to come and get the kids. Is he going to take them to his real wife's home .... produce 3 kids from out of the blue? Or will he deny them and have them put in social care?

 

I'm not wishing ill or death on either of you, but it is a very real possibility.

 

It's a total mess of your children's lives being brought into the world under such circumstances, yet this idiot of a man just wants you to keep producing kids, so no other man takes up with you.

 

I saw this on a thread on another site where a woman has a child with a MM. There are similarities in this and your case with living in the same area as the wife.

 

Andrew Ingham hanged himself after secret of double life with 2 wives and 12 children was exposed | Daily Mail Online

 

Except neither woman knew of the other in this sad case.

[Kholm]

You had a destination "wedding" with just the two of you because he knew it would never be legally sanctified or submitted to a court. It was not a wedding, but a sham play to keep you in line.

 

At least start by telling your parents the truth. You need some Real Life support immediately.

 

I wanted to wait until he was divorced and have a real wedding. But talked me into doing it then and said we'd file paperwork after his divorce was finalized. It was stupid.

 

I dont know what I'll do if my parents hate me and disown me. How do I tell them what I've been doing? I don't want them to hate my kids because they are "affair kids".

 

Get yourself on birth control. You don't need his approval or agreement to do it. It is irresponsible to bring more innocent children into this sick mess. His wife has what, five kids with him? And it didn't stop him from cheating.

You'll have ten more with him, and he still be who he is.

 

 

Stop looking up to him to make a change. You're the only one with a power to change this situation. Do what's right for you, you won't "win" him, and you're too young to see he is totally worthless and failure as a man.

 

If I'm not pregnant I'm going to go back on birth control. I don't want to have sex with me anymore. But when he comes over I'm crumble and do it anyway.

 

His wife (I don't like called her that... But that's what she is) has 5 kids and 1 more on the way. I have 3, hopefully not another on the way. He says he won't have any more kids with her.

[ChickiePops]

Not now. Having unprotected sex with him was stupid. I don't know how he talked me into it but he did. I'm all over the place with my hormones right now. Since having my new baby Im all over the place. Crying at everything, like the water taking too long to warm up or because there was pet hair on the bed, today. I flip back and forth between wishing he were dead to wanting to give him all I have.

 

I shouldnt have gone unprotected. Ive always conceived fast. I don't want another one and I hope it's not going to happen. I could test but dont want to know right now.

 

 

He's never mentioned anything about having our kids in his will or savings for them. He says he wants to start savings for them but has never done it. I know his other kids have RESP accounts.

 

I try not to think about what would happen if he dies. It comes to mind a lot and just causes worry and anxiety. When I don't hear from him for a while I do worry. Sometimes I've driven by his house.

 

We had a destination wedding with just us. My parents think his parents are dead. They dont know he was ever married or has other kids.

 

It wasn't a wedding, it was a vacation for a married guy and his mistress. You're not married. You ARE a single mom to 3 kids.

 

Of course you and your kids won't be in his will. As far as everyone in his life is concerned, you don't exist.

 

Tell his wife and your family about this. This is the ONlY step you can take that will protect you and the kids. The ONLY one. You're a mom, it's time to grow up.

[13Hearts]

I'm all over the place with my hormones right now. Since having my new baby Im all over the place. Crying at everything, like the water taking too long to warm up or because there was pet hair on the bed, today. I flip back and forth between wishing he were dead to wanting to give him all I have.

Listen to me, Kohlm. You've got Post-Partum Depression and that is a medical issue! You need to call the doctor tomorrow morning. Do you ever have thoughts of wishing you or the children dead too?

[Maggie888]

If you are pregmant I would consider abortion. No child deserves to be brought into this sham of a life. This is the most hirrific story Ive read on here. Your way out is to expose to the wife snd get this man out of your life. And get a great lawyer.

[13Hearts]

I don't like to get into arguments, especially not here, but I want to say I don't agree with telling the wife. She is not your friend and not your comrade, and it doesn't sound like she's got the resources to help you, when she's got her own kids to worry about. She is his legal wife, which means they will be in this together. What is his is also HERS and If you pick a fight with him (child support), you pick a fight with BOTH of them. Her interests are to protect HER and HER children, not you and your children. You are the enemy here, not her husband.

 

Talk to a lawyer in YOUR state, knowledgeable in family law FIRST. Let the lawyer advise you how to proceed, not your mom, not your brother, not your friend who has been divorced, and not random people on the internet.

[whatatangledweb]

Why hasn't he divorced his wife? He can have more kids with his wife, she is only 34. He has lied to you. This is going to be a huge mess when it blows up. You need to tell your parents now before they find out from someone else.

 

Who does he live with? What lie doess he tell his wife so he can spend so much time with you? You need to not be any man's secret. That is an awful way to live.

[awkward]

Please call your OB tomorrow. You could be suffering from post-partum depression. There is nothing to be ashamed about. Your doctor can help you.

 

Do not call his pregnant wife. First see your doctor. Next see a lawyer. Follow your lawyers advice. Talk to your parents and tell them the truth. Keep posting here.

Edited July 17, 2016 by awkward

[Lady Hamilton]

First thing you need to do is see a doctor and see if you're pregnant, be evaluated for PP depression or clinical depression. Then find a counselor... Somebody to confide in. Things, no matter how they boil out, are about to get crazy, crazy hard.

 

Then, see a lawyer. See what it will take to have your MM added to your kid's birth certificates. Have the lawyer refer you to state resources for single mothers (if your doctor can't give you those interventions).

 

Then buckle up... Things are about to get hard.

 

But at this point, it's not about you or him or his wife... It's about the kids. He is treating you like a baby farm and then treating the children like they are second class. It's up to you to pound into him that the babies he wants to have to lock you and his wife into your respective places need a father who's accountable. Honestly, he sounds almost sociopathic.

 

I don't think you need to tell your parents... You need support, not more battles. Tell them things went bad and go from there. Anything else risks alienating the only support you have. Considering you're already a single mother, you don't need to be a single mother with absolutely nobody.

[pianomanwoman]

Dear Kh,

 

I'm telling you, he may have more wives. But if you love him, stay in that relationship. You are a bigamist. Why all of a sudden do you want to screw up things? Because she is pregnant?

Be a good wife and be happy for your extended family. If you get a "divorce" you are going to be unhappy. You vowed to love him, weither legal or not. If you hate him, move on, don't bring the other family members into it. You can find someone else.

[whichwayisup]

I wanted to wait until he was divorced and have a real wedding. But talked me into doing it then and said we'd file paperwork after his divorce was finalized. It was stupid.

 

I dont know what I'll do if my parents hate me and disown me. How do I tell them what I've been doing? I don't want them to hate my kids because they are "affair kids".

 

 

 

If I'm not pregnant I'm going to go back on birth control. I don't want to have sex with me anymore. But when he comes over I'm crumble and do it anyway.

 

His wife (I don't like called her that... But that's what she is) has 5 kids and 1 more on the way. I have 3, hopefully not another on the way. He says he won't have any more kids with her.

 

This man is sick and he's brainwashed you. Fact you're afraid to tell your parents, friends etc, the truth of your situation, you've lied and made it worse. Some day the truth will come out. The thing is, your parents love you and will support, I doubt very much they will view their grandchildren as 'affair' grandchildren.

 

Please get counseling so you can get strong and break the hold he has over you. He's like a cult leader!

 

Hate to say it, but you have no idea how many other women he's involved with, maybe (hopefully not) has other kids you don't know about either.

 

What is it you actually 'love' about him? Ask yourself if this is a healthy relationship/affair for you?

[ChickiePops]

Dear Kh,

 

I'm telling you, he may have more wives. But if you love him, stay in that relationship. You are a bigamist. Why all of a sudden do you want to screw up things? Because she is pregnant?

Be a good wife and be happy for your extended family. If you get a "divorce" you are going to be unhappy. You vowed to love him, weither legal or not. If you hate him, move on, don't bring the other family members into it. You can find someone else.

 

She has stated more than once that she's NOT happy. So there goes your whole post...

[HappyAgain2014]

Your MM apparently uses children as a means to keep his wife and you bound to him. He's a classic narcissist.

 

This man disappoints and lies to you. He is, at best, an absentee father who will lie to and disappoint your children.

 

You can't change the past however you can plan your future. Stop sleeping with him, get an attorney, and move forward with your life. Your children deserve a dad and some legitimacy. You're his secret but they don't deserve to be.

 

I seriously doubt he will have any interest in sharing custody which is good for you. Let him go while they are young enough not to notice.

 

He's not going to leave his wife and his "real" family. Somehow he has convinced you this affair is a marriage. If so, how does he explain "cheating" on you to get his wife pregnant?

 

This guy has an answer for everything. No doubt he's always right and you're wrong. Do what's right and be a mother. If your children drive your decisions, you'll find it easier to end this. He's toxic.

[Lobe]

1) Go to a Dr and find out a) if you are pregnant again and b) if you have PPD. Follow an appropriate course of action to take care of your mental and physical health because obviously your fake husband is too busy impregnating his other wife (or wives) to care for you which means if you're not OK, your kids are not OK.

 

2) Lawyer up. You need to find out what your rights are and go in with a proposal that is iron-clad. The one thing you need to be extraordinarily careful of is how you handle disclosing the fact that you are "married" - stop using that word, especially when you talking to your lawyer. Polygamy carries a 4-year sentence in the great state of New York, so it's a good thing that you are not actually legally married.

 

3) Keep it quiet until you've got things sorted out legally - the last thing you need is for your AP to get fired or lose professional legitimacy because of a fake marriage, at which point the well dries up for both you and his wife and all the assorted kids.

 

4) You and your kids deserve more than this, and you know it or you wouldn't be here questioning your own judgment. You seem like a smart cookie - whatever advice you would give your own kids about how to handle this scenario, take yourself.

 

Stay strong, be fierce.

[sunburned]

I've been on this board off and on on for three years and this is one of the most awful and yet abundantly clear cases I've encountered. We don't know your parents, but I agree with the others who said now is the time to tell them. The MM worked for your Dad. He was married WHEN he worked for your Dad. Wouldn't your Dad have said "Isn't MM already married?" when you told him YOU were marrying MM. I bet your Dad will be furious when he finds out what this guy did to you. He may be angry at you, but he will go to bat for you.

 

My heart breaks that you were so easily flattered at vapid "compliments" that you had a "tight body," and were a "clean (sex) slate." Ewwww. I guess we can chalk that up to age at the time. But you're clearly into adulthood now and you are a mother!! You need to stop chasing what you perceive will be a fairytale ending. Forgot his words. His actions have suggested he isn't going to marry you. Why would he when he can get NSA unprotected sex for free from you?

 

I think you should tell your parents, speak to a lawyer and file for formal child support with the court. This absolutely will make him mad, but it "forces" him out of your life as a romantic partner. His wife will find out (without you even having to tell her) and it really doesn't matter if she blames you or believes you. Testing will prove he is their father. ALL you need to worry about is protecting your kids. He may be somewhat financially supportive now, but you need a plan that will ensure they get the maximum support they are entitled to until they are adults. Please stop this childish mindset of achieving victory, of beating out his wife for this worthless "prize."

[sunburned]

 

OP,

 

 

This man is making you have kids as a means of control. The more kids, the more tied down you are and less likely to dump him and look for a better man. That's what he thinks anyway.

 

 

Too right!

[MivharMeni]

Lord....I though I had bad.....

[anika99]

I've been on this board off and on on for three years and this is one of the most awful and yet abundantly clear cases I've encountered. We don't know your parents, but I agree with the others who said now is the time to tell them. The MM worked for your Dad. He was married WHEN he worked for your Dad. Wouldn't your Dad have said "Isn't MM already married?" when you told him YOU were marrying MM. I bet your Dad will be furious when he finds out what this guy did to you. He may be angry at you, but he will go to bat for you.

 

My heart breaks that you were so easily flattered at vapid "compliments" that you had a "tight body," and were a "clean (sex) slate." Ewwww. I guess we can chalk that up to age at the time. But you're clearly into adulthood now and you are a mother!! You need to stop chasing what you perceive will be a fairytale ending. Forgot his words. His actions have suggested he isn't going to marry you. Why would he when he can get NSA unprotected sex for free from you?

 

I think you should tell your parents, speak to a lawyer and file for formal child support with the court. This absolutely will make him mad, but it "forces" him out of your life as a romantic partner. His wife will find out (without you even having to tell her) and it really doesn't matter if she blames you or believes you. Testing will prove he is their father. ALL you need to worry about is protecting your kids. He may be somewhat financially supportive now, but you need a plan that will ensure they get the maximum support they are entitled to until they are adults. Please stop this childish mindset of achieving victory, of beating out his wife for this worthless "prize."

 

I'm also surprised that he was able to woo you by making comments about sexy virgins and tight bodies. That is so repulsive and a more mature self assured woman would have been repulsed. You were too young and naive to know better. You had never had a boyfriend and now here you are with three kids and you never even got to experience dating and courtship.

 

When I was sixteen I met a 25 yr old and after a night of listening to his flattery and charm I went to bed with him. He never dated me he never even bought me a meal, because he was jobless and broke. In my stupidity and my emotional neediness I didn't care, I fell madly in love with him. I soon became pregnant and he never helped me. I was 17 trying to take care of a baby and he never lifted a finger to help me. I had to do everything alone while he wouldn't even contribute a penny. I still held on to him for dear life for several years until one day I suddenly awoke from fantasyland and realized that this guy isn't bringing anything good to my life and wtf do I need him for. Once we broke up I never let another relationship start out on sex. A man who wants to win your heart doesn't lead with sex talk and gross talk about sexy virgins...eww. How's he satisfying his virgin fantasies now, since you are no longer a virgin?

 

Every single one of you deserve better than this man. You, your kids, his wife and her kids. You say you work and pay the bills so what exactly do you need this cheating lying creep for? You don't need him. Get a pregnancy test and get on birth control right now! Your kids deserve better than this and you certainly don't need to bring anymore children into this mess. Your parents aren't going to reject your kids if they find out their father was married. When you love a child none of that matters. I have grandkids and even if I found out today that they weren't even conceived by my son I would still love them and want them in my life. Get to a doctor.

[Grapesofwrath]

Not now. Having unprotected sex with him was stupid. I don't know how he talked me into it but he did.m all over the place with my hormones right now. Since having my new baby Im all over the place. Crying at everything, like the water taking too long to warm up or because there was pet hair on the bed, today. I flip back and forth between wishing he were dead to wanting to give him all I have.

 

I shouldnt have gone unprotected. Ive always conceived fast. I don't want another one and I hope it's not going to happen. I could test but dont want to know right now.

 

He's never mentioned anything about having our kids in his will or savings for them. He says he wants to start savings for them but has never done it. I know his other kids have RESP accounts.

 

I try not to think about what would happen if he dies. It comes to mind a lot and just causes worry and anxiety. When I don't hear from him for a while I do worry. Sometimes I've driven by his house.

 

We had a destination wedding with just us. My parents think his parents are dead. They dont know he was ever married or has other kids.

 

KHolm : Please read the bolded statements. Hope is not a plan. Putting your head in the sand will not make problems go away. You *must* take charge of your life and be responsible for your choices.

 

You are still very very young and this man is manipulating you and you are allowing it.

 

I don't know where you live, but most countries have legal provisions for child support. You need to protect your children and their future by requiring him to pay child support. Whether he elects to participate in their lives is not something you can legally require. But his financial support is legally required.

 

By avoiding the reality of your situation, you are harming your children and limiting their futures. I know you love them very much. Keep that in mind as you do what you have to do. Your parents may be upset, but you are not a child. It's time to be the adult.

[sandylee1]

You may or may not have POD, but anyone in your situation would be going out of their mind. I'm sure you'd feel much the same even if you didn't have a baby. What's pushed you to feel like this is his wife being pregnant when he told you they weren't intimate.

 

Have you asked him how that miracle happened. I'm sure among all these kids he has a daughter ..... I wonder how he would feel if someone did this to his daughter. It's along the lines of your dad's behaviour, but hopefully not as bad.

 

I truly wish I had a lottery win right now and could send you a load of money to just relocate, change your name and cut him out of your life forever and you make a fresh start of things with your kids.

 

I could say a number of things about him, but they'd get me banned.

 

.

[Lobe]

I could say a number of things about him, but they'd get me banned.

 

Yup... I bit my tongue pretty hard on this one. What a piece of work. SMH

[Lady Hamilton]

Dear Kh,

 

I'm telling you, he may have more wives. But if you love him, stay in that relationship. You are a bigamist. Why all of a sudden do you want to screw up things? Because she is pregnant?

Be a good wife and be happy for your extended family. If you get a "divorce" you are going to be unhappy. You vowed to love him, weither legal or not. If you hate him, move on, don't bring the other family members into it. You can find someone else.

 

She's not a bigamist, her "husband" could be considered one... But only if they legally married. And bigamy isn't a good thing...

 

Did you mean she's a polygamist? Because she's not that either... Polygamy is the marriage of families, not people. It means she would be married to his wife as well as him, she'd be fully involved in their daily household, and seen as a equal and respected extension of a family by all parties. I know polygamists, and they have more rules than most married monogamists.

 

The fact that this mans wife has no clue she exists means she's not a polygamist either.

[Lady Hamilton]

OP, I hope you haven't vanished. My heart bleeds for you and this situation you're a victim of.

[summerdowling87]

He still says that she let herself go, doesn't take care of herself or try and look good. Doesn't want to have sex ever, cheated on him, is mentally unstable

 

And yet he goes home to her every night and has another baby with her.

 

This guy is a giant a-hole to you and to her and to the poor 8 children. Please whatever you do DO NOT have another baby with this guy. He is no good for you or for the real wife.