1 Year relationship - can't say she loves me! [update: We have split up]

[alpha99]

Hey there,

 

I have been seeing a wonderful woman for just over a year now. She has now kids etc but I am separated (have been since before we met) and reaching the point of divorce, and have children.

 

My girlfriend has known all of this and has been kept informed of everything from the start.

 

She has always been reluctant to say I love you but in the past has hinted that this is due to being hurt in the past. Today we had a conversation where I said how I feel, I love her etc, but she said that she couldn't say she loved me because of all the surrounding issues with ex wife, divorce, children etc. She wants children and is worried that the time will pass before we ever got the chance to have any of our own. Since I've been married we couldn't marry in a church should we get that far in the future.

 

I left hers this morning after this discussion, we're still on good terms and haven't argued at all. I text to see how she was and she replied and also asked me. In the back and forth she has said she doesn't know what else to say than what she has already, and in another text added that she likes being with me and all the things we do together. I genuinely believe this comes down to the issues of children, housing arrangements, how we would plan our future together - she has said she feels like a mother figure at times - and not at all to do with anyone else. She has been single for a long time before we met.

 

I am wondering if anyone has had this before and what did you do. I don't think it's a death knell to not be able to say she loves me right now. We get on so well, have fun, do lots of things together, but it does bother me when I say I love her that she can't say it back.

 

I'm looking for advice, preferably on how to work things out rather than just move on etc.

 

thanks.

[alpha99]

Sorry, in the first message I meant to write that she has no kids whilst I do.

 

I have just spoken to her on the phone. We are still very friendly and there's no issue with getting on etc. Like I said earlier, I believe she is being genuine in stating her concerns. She owns her own home, has a good job, is very independent and hard working. I work too but not nearly the pay she receives, have two children, own my own home but that is up in the air due to my impending divorce.

 

The result of our phone call, after the pleasantries about the day, was me asking where this leaves us. She said that depends on what you (I) want to do. After some more talk she said we will have to see how the next weeks and months go and try to get into a routine. At the moment we don't get to spend an awful lot of time with each other, mainly because she works really long hours, and I have to be around for my children on the days I have them. She seems genuine to want to see how things go once I move back into my house (it's being done up and I've been living elsewhere for a while).

 

She said her worries are that at the moment for me everything is up in the air in my life, children, house, divorce etc, and she is concerned that this kind of thing would go on forever. I believe that things will sort themselves out in the next six months but I fully understand her concern that she may miss out on children etc if my issues drag on too long.

 

I have tried to say how I am taking positive steps to sort all of my issues out, and I think she understands this, but she is very work driven and wants results now!

 

She has said this morning that she wouldn't be with me if she didn't want to be. I get on with all her family etc. She is religious and is also concerned that my previous marriage means we couldn't potentially marry in a church, which is what she'd like. I am early 30s, she is later 30s.

 

When my marriage ended I read alot about how to deal with things, and I plan to implement those things now, but I am wondering about you guys and if any of you can offer any relevant advice. I really don't think for a second that it's someone else or anything like that, just legitimate concerns that she has.

 

I want to alleviate those concerns but she doesn't want me to just be a yes man and do whatever she says. I don't think I am but I am easy going and we haven't had a single argument in over a year now!

 

We ended our call arranging to see each other tomorrow, and we still plan to go on a prearranged day out later next week, and we will talk about things more tomorrow.

 

Long term of course I couldn't be with someone indefinitely if they don't love me, but I am willing to hope that a routine where we see each other more and things are more like real life than going out and dating (although we spend lots of time just chilling at hers also) could see feelings grow on her part. I have explained that to her when we've spoken today. I wonder if she is gearing up for a break up at some point in the future, or whether she is sort of testing me to see if she gets the response she wants. She has said that with previous partners she has deliberately said things at times to see what their response would be.

 

Thanks for reading.

[preraph]

Her feeling like a mother figure to you is the kiss of death. Nothing sexy about parenting a full-grown man. And you haven't done what it takes to clear your life out to make space for a self-respecting woman. It's you, not her.

[alpha99]

I hear what you're saying and you may be totally spot on. I have confided in her when I've had exceptionally stressful situations with my separated wife regarding our children. I thought I was doing the right thing talking things through with her, but I could have just as easily not said anything and worked through things on my own. She has given me advice, which I've taken on board, but she has said she feels like she has had to sort my life out for me. I don't think this is the case, and explained as much that I could have done things myself but I appreciate her advice, and that the things she has given advice on have been the exceptionally stressful rare stuff and not the mundane day to day life stuff. Her profession (I don't want to give away specific details) has meant that she has also offered advice on my children. Again, it's been appreciated but I could have worked through things myself.

 

We've been away a few times and had a great time. We get on great as I've said. We don't argue, we have fun, we are full engaged in *other ways*, and so I'm confused as to why things like cuddling, kissing, holding hands in public together with her previously talking about the future with children, marriage, how she feels right with me etc have led us to this point. I had thought it was her previous relationships that had made her reluctant to let her guard down as she has pretty much said as such, but now she is saying it's these issues I point out here.

 

***edit*** just to add to this, she has said in recent times, a few months ago, that I'm like her best friend. My heart was warmed to hear this at the time as whlist it could be construed as 'we're just good friends' etc, I took it to mean that we shared a closeness where we could talk about anything. She's had recent work issues that she's confided about to me etc

*********

 

She was very calm on the phone, pleasant and chatty, but didn't want to go over things over the phone due to where she was at the time, but she did not seem stressed out in any way, laughing etc at points as we spoke. It does slightly seem that if we split up tomorrow her life would just carry on as normal. She has mentioned feeling lonely in the past.

 

I love her and I don't want to lose her.

 

If you're right about lack of attraction, what could I do to bring that back?

 

I have to say when we go out I always consider her and discuss things but I'm more than willing to choose where to go, what to do myself. We've done quite a wide range of things in our year or so together and I'm a little baffled about everything that's gone on today.

 

***edit*** just to reply to clearing my life out, I plan to divorce when two years of separation is up in a few months. I can't do anything quicker on that front. By that point the childcare arrangements will be legally sorted out and so like I said, in six months etc there shouldn't be the roller coaster issues that there have been at times previously. I'll also be in my own house again in the next week or so. I'm also starting on a change in career in the next week too.

*********

Any advice is much appreciated.

Edited July 16, 2016 by alpha99

[alpha99]

I just want to post something a bit more concise.

 

I'm pretty much always available at the drop of a hat should she want to do something.

 

I am laid back and so don't mind what we do when we go out.

 

I almost always initiate texts and calls, and go to hers more than she comes to me.

 

Should I try and mix things up and change these patterns of behaviour?

 

Maybe not being available all the time, not doing whatever because I don't mind, not always texting her morning and night to say hello would mean she sees me differently?

 

****edit****

When thinking about the above, I don't mean to act like a child, ignore calls, be rude or anything like that. Instead I mean start to busy myself with other things in life so that I don't always have the time to do what she wants when she wants. Make definite plans like I'm going to go and see X on this date. Do you want to come? I don't plan to say text goodnight as I normally do this evening. Again, tomorrow I will wait for her to text me in the morning.

 

Another thought I'm having is that we seem to be on course to talk about this more tomorrow afternoon if we meet up. Do you think it would be a good idea to put everything out there, go over what her issues are and see if she is willing to talk about how we could work them out?

 

************

Edited July 16, 2016 by alpha99

[alpha99]

Well, In the end I thought it would be childish to not text at all when I normally do, and so I did text her last night but literally just said 'goodnight x'.

 

She replied saying 'night night sleep tight x'.

 

She said yesterday in our afternoon conversation let's see how the next few weeks and months go.

 

I wonder whether she is planning to break up and just doesn't want to hurt me etc or is genuinely giving it a chance to see if once I'm in my own house and we 'get into a routine' that the things that she sees as 'up in the air' will settle down.

 

Any advice before I see her this afternoon (maybe 8 hours from this post) would be really appreciated.

 

Any thoughts?

[basil67]

She's been hurt in the past and is now dating a married man - so she's taking another huge risk. I would imagine she's holding herself back until you're actually free to pursue a life with her. If you look at it from this angle, she's being entirely sensible.

 

I'm glad you didn't start to pull back. You say that you're happy to make suggestions of what to do, but how often do you take the reigns? You see, there is such a thing as being too laid back. Having a partner who says "I'm fine with anything you want" is sooooo boring. It's great to hand over the reigns and have our partner organise something they want to do. If there's nothing you specifically want to do.....then the word 'boring' comes back into my mind.

 

It doesn't have to be anything big. But you saying "hey, lets eat out tonight - I really feel like eating at X" is music to the ears of someone dating a laid back person. I think aiming for 50/50 input with ideas is perfect.

Edited July 17, 2016 by basil67

[alpha99]

Thanks for your message.

 

Yes, that makes total sense and I hadn't really thought of it that way. She knows my circumstances and knows that it's not the case of a rebound or that there's any chance of getting back with my soon to be ex wife. My ex wife now has a new partner and new child! But I suppose if I were her I would not put all my eggs into the basket of a person who is not available right now, due to her religious beliefs as well, to get married, have children etc due to my current circumstances.

 

As for being boring, I do instigate things. We went on a night out last week that I arranged, and we have another one lined up for the end of next week that I also arranged. I think she sees consideration as indifference sometimes, so maybe I should be slightly more solid in saying what I want to do rather than being reluctant to suggest something in case it's something she doesn't want to do.

 

Please don't get me wrong, I'm just trying to highlight further those areas which have come up in responses, and in the message above I'm definitely not saying 'oh no, you're wrong, and here's why. I think the responses so far have been spot on and I plan to change things with her based on your suggestions.

 

****edit****

I just wanted to add that like I said, last week we went out to a show that I arranged. This coming week we have another day out I have planned. When we went on holiday I found the flights, accommodation etc, and although I consulted her I took the reigns there. We've been out for a meal one evening this week where I suggested we go. I am more laid back when it comes to doing something local, going out for a drink or a meal nearby. If she asks I'll say things like 'maybe we could go for a walk, grab a drink or evening meal? I feel I've been incredibly nice with her. She acknowledges this. Maybe I'm being too kind and caring and over considerate. I doubt she feels smothered or anything as she has her own busy life and we on average probably see each other 2-3 nights a week, although due to her work recently it's been a little less these last few weeks.

 

Finally, if I hadn't had pushed her to reveal her feelings, or apparent lack of, then we would probably just be carrying on as normal. I don't know how long that could have gone on for if she says that she can't say she loves me, but she has talked about us in the future tense during different conversations, mentioning things like children, marriage, living together, future holiday plans (this one was just two nights ago), shopping trips for things for my house, even *ahem* 'christening' my house once I'm back in it and so on. Together with the hand holding, replying in texts saying dear, valentine's cards that mention 'love' I thought we were heading in the right direction. There's been no sudden event to change things but I guess it's like she said, that my outstanding issues might drag on and always be around, taking on children is a lot to do, and that she would have to give up things she wants, children, marriage in a church etc, if she stays with me and things don't get sorted (I'm on them as much as possible) due to her age and my circumstances.

********

 

Thank you so much for reading. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Edited July 17, 2016 by alpha99

[alpha99]

Have I blown this out of all proportion? I don't mean with my girlfriend but just in terms of over analysing everything?

 

We have exchanged texts this morning and the basic gist of her side of things is saying to me to calm down, stop worrying, and that 'I won't lose her unless that is what I want.' She isn't suddenly making big declarations of love or anything but she has given reasons, work related stuff, exhaustion, other personal things, as to why it was not a good time for me to bring up a conversation about feelings. These to me seem perfectly reasonable, plausible reasons. I don't think they're a red herring or an excuse, a way to make me feel better. She is very honest and to the point about her feelings.

 

What I've said to her is along the lines of 'this doesn't have to be a big issue now, I hear what you're saying (about her reasons over feelings), I want to be with her, and that I won't mention it again with her unless she wants to talk about things at some point.

 

Of course we couldn't go on forever at the stage we're at. I think she's looking to move things forward where my circumstances currently don't allow. In a conversation a few weeks ago she slipped in quickly that if we were together still in 18 months' time she would expect things to have moved on, to be having a baby etc. I would like the same things, have told her this, and has pointed out what I'm doing to move my circumstances forward.

 

We are planning to do something later this afternoon so we'll see what happens.

 

Thank you all for reading and your advice.

[BaileyB]

Her feeling like a mother figure to you is the kiss of death. Nothing sexy about parenting a full-grown man. And you haven't done what it takes to clear your life out to make space for a self-respecting woman. It's you, not her.

 

This. I am dating a man right now who is divorced and had kids. We tried two years ago and it was ok. I liked him but he had some loose ends in his life that he needed to tie up - he eventually decided that himself and told me he needed some time to get his life in order. We reconnected this spring and it has been amazing. So much different. He is still divorced and he shares joint custody with his child, but there is room in his life for me now. He has his stuff together and it feels totally different! It took me a while to trust and let empty guard down, but once I did... It has been amazing.

 

I think you need to get some things settled in your life before she will want to go all in. Focus on getting your stuff together and then show her that you are ready. It sounds like she is holding right now, waiting for that to happen. Focus less on her, and more on what you need to bring to the relationship. Good luck.

[TooRational]

alpha, your story reminds me a lot of my own with my ex. I over-analyze things (was told so by my ex), my life was hectic with the recent separation and my two kids (not divorced yet), she was a very independent career-drive woman with lots of stress at work, I'm a people-pleaser, it took her a while to say "I love you" and then wouldn't really say it often at all, still we would talk about future together, etc...

 

To make a long story short, she broke up with me a month ago because she felt I was "too complicated" and insecure in our relationship. Seems like you have the same underlying problem, insecurity. There's no easy fix. In my case we fell into a vicious circle where my insecurity led me to over-react to some events in jealous way and then she pulled back even more. That gave me more reasons to feel insecure and I again over-reacted emotionally because of that. This vicious circle lead to the breakup.

 

The key is to somehow gain some more security in your relationship. Just hoping that things are gonna fix themselves is not gonna work I think. I would strongly recommend reading a book about Attachment theory as your gf seems to be slightly Dismissive-Avoidant while you probably are slighty Anxious-Preoccupied. Probably not extreme in either cases but enough that reading about it could help.

 

Good communication is really important in a couple and being able to talk about your insecurities in a healthy way is important. Unfortunately I can't give you good advice here, as this is where my relationship failed. Every attempt to talk about it would push my ex even further away because she just wanted a "simple" relationship and all this talk was "complicated". In hindsight, I now realize that she didn't care enough about my feelings to make this relationship work. I don't want a Dismissive partner again in my life.

 

Yes, keeping yourself more busy and not always available (because of it, not because you're playing games) is absolutely the right thing to do, regardless of where this relationship ends up. You need to start activities where you get to meet new friends and get some enjoyment outside of your relationship. Some kind of group sport would be ideal as it would also increase your fitness level.

 

Bottom line, work on improving yourself. That will make you a more attractive partner and put less pressure on your relationship for happiness.

 

I wish you the best of luck and truly hope your relationship works out better than mine! But you also gotta ask yourself if you really want a life partner that doesn't seem to love you as much as you do. Very unbalanced love like that seems risky in the long run.

[alpha99]

I've been meaning to send a reply for a few days but just got sidetracked. I wanted to say thank you for the advice above. That has to be some of the best I've ever received. I will wholeheartedly take it on board.

 

So the last few days, we went out, we didn't discuss our previous conversation as I'd said via text that I wouldn't unless she wanted to. We had a nice time and there was the occasional jokey reference to our previous 'feelings' conversation. We do get on great. At times I feel a lack of affection and/or indifference to me though, and then at others whilst physically there's not much change during a conversation she might say 'if we ever get married'...if you ever get divorced etc

 

I can really see the logic behind the advice given before about a self respecting woman not giving herself up on someone still technically married.

 

Anyway, onto today. She's out with friends and asked if I could pick her up and drop her and her friends home to be ready for our day out tomorrow.

 

I just can't work out whether she cares about me and how much. The other day she texted saying stop stressing and gave strong indications that we weren't splitting up etc, but then she doesn't really initiate texts or calls unless it is to do.sometuing immediately, like a lift home or to go out that evening.

 

I'm getting texts now after midnight as it nears picking up time but they're short and to the point. I don't know, just something doesn't feel quite right. Maybe I'm just tired and over analysing things.

 

It's strange though, we get on, we do all the things that couples do, have fun, days out, watch films and chill etc, but at timesits like there's a barrier there!

 

I'll stop rambling now.

[TooRational]

I reread your first post and somethings sounds iffy to me. She can't say "I love you because of these excuses: divorce, the children issue, etc. These are all conditions but shouldn't love be unconditional? Love is a feeling you get for a person, it's not a bargain: you give me these things I want, I give you love in return

 

Again, I could have wrote most of what you wrote about my ex too, so I don't feel entitled to give too many advice but I'm looking forward to other's opinions.

 

My ex also tried to reassurance me that "she was still here" when we had fights stemming from my anxiety. Yet, she left me shortly after. She was hoping that I'd stop worrying by magic but didn't seem willing to change her behavior that was causing me to doubt her feelings.

 

Our times together were absolutely great, nothing bad to say about them. The problem was always when we were not together. We struggled to keep the connection going. That issue only worsened towards the end. Boils down to we have different expectations about that and we were just incompatible in attachment style and "love languages"

[kendahke]

We get on so well, have fun, do lots of things together, but it does bother me when I say I love her that she can't say it back.

 

Does she convey her love in other ways? I think you need to reign in your expectations. You're legally still someone else's husband. Unfortunately, separated isn't divorced. I think she needs to see you exerting some independence and seeing some results. After a year, that's not an unfair request.

 

If you aren't sorted and divorced , that means comfort and familiarity weighs more than what she has put on the table in this equation. You, for whatever reason/excuse, are still legally married and to her that presents a problem. The problem is such that she's not going to invest that part of herself that you want in anyone whose marriage is not dissolved. Nor should she, really. What's she getting out of it? Words? "Wish I could"'s?

 

Best thing all around: get your marriage dissolved. Head down, shoulder into it, pull. Get it done then go to her. It will speak to your intention.

[alpha99]

Hi there,

 

Thanks to you both for your latest responses. We have just spent a lovely couple of days together and things on the surface seem better. I think it does make a huge difference of course when we get to spend more time together. I felt frustrated that she hadn't texted the other evening until it was time to pick her up from her night out, but when I arrived she was smiley and happy, introduced me to her work friends etc, and I guess I realised that she is a smart, independent woman and doesn't need to constantly check in with me throughout an evening that had planned to spend with all her work mates. I did initially wonder if I was just being used for a lift but I didn't get that feeling in the end once we'd met up.

 

The more I think about it, the more it seems apparent that she likes me - clearly, we've been together over a year and she said she wouldn't be with me if she didn't want to be - but perhaps like has been said here she is weighing up what her future life would be with me before she fully commits. I have children, she earns a lot more, there are issues over how we could one day get married etc. I think a smart person, no matter their feelings, would weigh up what they're getting into before fully committing. When we spent time together it is great. We talk, laugh, joke, hold hands, have fun, just as we did on our day out a few days ago.

 

Yesterday we went out with my children and had a great day. She texted me at the end of the day to say thank you and that it had been lovely. We're seeing each other again this afternoon.

 

Your advice has been valuable. I see things hopefully a little clearer now. I'm sure, since she's mentioned it on more than one occasion, that my still being married is an issue for her. She has talked about us one day getting married, in her words 'if I ever get divorced' and has previously mentioned children etc, and so I think she can see herself with me in that scenario. The onus is on me to clear the obstacles. I'm moving forward on that front as quickly as possible in terms of child arrangements, divorce, career etc. I don't think she's hedging her bets or there's anyone else she's interested in, just purely down to what I've said above, just that if I don't follow through on what I've said she will lose patience, and that's understandable.

 

We chatted together around the edges of this the other evening and after saying pretty much what I've written here, her voice sounded lighter as if there was some relief we were on the same page.

 

Finally, she does show affection, if not love, in other ways. As I've said, we hold hands, we kiss, we cuddle, we do 'other' things. Without repeating myself too much, I think she's a strong, independent women who doesn't need the crutch of a relationship to define her.

 

Thanks again.

[alpha99]

Hey all,

 

Just a quick check in here from me. My girlfriend has been away this week. She has checked in with me every day despite having limited internet, so whilst they've been short messages it's nice that she's bothered.

 

I've been busy getting on with my life, making progress in a number of areas. It will be interesting once she's back to see how things resume. I have big life changes coming up and so I guess pretty soon we'll see just how committed she is.

[alpha99]

[]

 

recap: both early to mid 30s, I have children from marriage, plan to divorce shortly. She is in great job, own home, fantastic person.

--------------------------------------------------------

It's been a while but I thought I'd post an update.

--------------------------------------------------------

 

A few months ago I moved back into my house. My GF occasionally now stays at mine. She has never left any items over at mine. She says she'd be happy to stay at mine more but I have had issues setting up internet etc which would enable her to do work. Fair point.

 

I'm going through court proceedings and in a month or so childcare arrangements will be formalised via the courts.

 

Two years' separation will be up in January and I plan to instigate divorce proceedings then. It should be straight forward and over in 12 weeks from then.

 

I start a new job, which is a significant pay increase, in a week or two.

 

.... OK, so here's the thing....

 

Since my previous posts, we have continued on in the same way, hand holding, kissing, 'other' things. GF has no problems doing these sort of things but at times seems reluctant to be openly affectionate, you know, in the unabashed way people do when they're in love! A month or two ago I took her flowers for the first time which momentarily seemed to allow her to let her barriers down and she seemed genuinely thrilled by them.

 

We went out last night to a party for her friends. Her ex of ten years ago or so was there amongst lots of her friends etc. She has been worried about it beforehand as apparently he's louder and larger than life. It turns out he is certainly large. She said she doesn't know what she ever saw in him and couldn't imagine being with him now as he's so large. She loves people watching and spent a lot of the evening nosying on other people. Another friend she doesn't see very often was there with their partner, and she revealed at one point that she used to like him but nothing happened and he never knew.

 

Why is she telling me this? It seems either she is content and secure with me and is talking about historical things, or perhaps it's a a lack of respect towards me.

 

We get on great and have done lots of things, days out, weekends away etc.

 

She is very independent and seems to have an issue with talking about emotions between us. When I compliment her, she will brush it away. She never reciprocates.

 

Having said that, she does on occasion talk about if we ever got married, if we ever had kids etc.

 

Finally, the other night, prior to the party, when talking about childcare, she said that if childcare didn't work out the way the way I wanted with the courts, she'd have to think about things again because she didn't sign up for 'this.' She's meaning that if I have my kids each weekend it won't leave any time for us to be together. I'm proposing different arrangements to the court.

 

I went quiet after this. We talked briefly about general chit chat things but on our walk home we hardly spoke. A few hours later in bed I did finally query her. She said I'd taken things the wrong way, and that that's how I'd chose to interpret things, and that we'd have to see if we could work out a routine. In response I said I loved her, wanted a future with her, realised she was free to do whatever she liked with regards to continuing our relationship or not, but didn't want to lose her. She said I needed to stop being a d*ick then. I know I'd been quiet after she'd mentioned reassessing things but I don't think I'd been anything other than that. I also fail to see how what she said could have been intepreted differently than she'll call it quits if we I have my kids each weekend with no time for us to be together alone.

 

We've had the party since and had a good time. Once home I texted her to

say she looked fantastic. She said thanks for coming, was lovely.

 

Am I being insecure about everything?

 

It's hard to encapsulate everything in a message but basically we get on great when together and I don't think we've ever argued properly at all. I love her. She clearly likes me but there's a part of me that makes me think she is holding back her commitment, but I don't know if that's because she's waiting for someone better to appear out of the blue or whether she just needs my outstanding issues resolved.

 

I'm just wondering whether I should once again drag this up with her? I doubt she would open up and pour out her feelings, and if she feels I'm being insecure that will hardly help.

 

any advice on what to do next would be really appreciated!

Edited October 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged with previous thread ~6

[alpha99]

A few additions to the last post:

 

*I did of course tell her she looked great when I saw her, and again later on in the evening. She does act dismissively when I say things like that, which makes me think she has an emotional intimacy issue. Her family are lovely but don't really do big declarations of love amongst each other.

 

* In summing up above, I failed to mention of course that another possibility is she just doesn't love me, likes being with me, and would rather sail along for the time being as oppose to being alone until something better comes along

 

* Her ex of around ten years ago is a very large person and I don't think she's attracted to him. She says he's loud and brash. The comment about the other present friend she used to fancy was more revealing. Does she still fancy him? I asked why she didn't do anything and she said 'because I didn't think he'd want to.' Hardly makes you feel great does it?

 

*She does call and text, but hardly ever in a warm, fuzzy, lovey dovey way. She's not that type of person. I can live with that. If it turns out she loves me but doesn't display it verbally etc, I could understand. She has bought me small presents for no reason on the odd occasion, does call me, text etc but I feel I do the majority of the chasing. Today for example, I called this morning and have texted once this evening. We had a friendly chat on the phone and she replied to my message, but I'm the instigator and her replies are often short, brief things - not always but quite a bit of the time.

 

In conclusion, I just get the feeling that something isn't quite right. It's a slight nagging feeling, again that she isn't 100% committed, for whatever reason. I feel bad for bringing something up with her, as she may well see it as me being insecure, but I don't want to go on indefinitely holding out to see what may happen.

[introverted1]

 

In conclusion, I just get the feeling that something isn't quite right. It's a slight nagging feeling, again that she isn't 100% committed, for whatever reason. I feel bad for bringing something up with her, as she may well see it as me being insecure, but I don't want to go on indefinitely holding out to see what may happen.

 

Listen to your gut, it's telling you something for a reason.

 

This woman won't tell you she loves you and has stated that she perceives your children as an interference to her relationship with you.

 

How much clearer does she have to be?

 

You can do better, both for your own sake and for the sake of your kids.

[alpha99]

Thanks for the reply. I hear what you're saying. What I don't get is that her job means she is great with children, and with my children in particular. They think she's great. She seems to like them. Out of the blue pops this comment.

 

I forgot to mention that I'm going through hell at the moment with my ex being a compulsive liar to anyone who'll listen, and although the two have never met, to be open and honest I've mentioned anything my ex has said to her - lies and all!

 

If only things were simple. My gut is saying something isn't right, but that could simply be my own insecurity. I don't know. We have tickets and plans in the future, including Christmas plans. Maybe I mentioned this in older posts, but a few months ago she said she if we were together still she'd expect to be pregnant by this time next year.

 

It may seem like she's manipulative or controlling, but she's definitely not. She's just very honest and straight forward. Whilst that's great, it does not extend to how she feels emotionally. Her history and upbringing, whilst apparently there's been no major drama, seemed to have combined to prohibit her from expressing herself when it comes to love. Previously she has confided in me that's because she's been hurt in the past. When I asked her directly about her feelings a few months back it caused some friction, as I've previously posted about. Ultimately then she said she wouldn't be with me if she didn't want to be, and that she enjoys everything we do together and our time together.

 

I won't make any foolish ultimatums but I do feel something brewing to the point where one way or the other I need to find out where I stand.

 

What do you think to writing a letter to her and posting it? We talk and text every day but I'm wondering whether putting something down on pen and paper would be a good idea. I may not like the response she gives but then at least I'd know where I stand.

[alpha99]

New development:

 

GF and I met online.

 

After a while I deleted my account. She left hers online. About 9 months ago she mentioned someone had sent her a message. She said she was being honest and keeping me on my toes, in a joking way.

 

So today I thought I'd do a bit of research, and it shows she has been online in the last 30 days. For it to show in the last 30 days she'd have had to have logged on, and my guess is in response to a message. Now, maybe she said she was in a happy relationship, or maybe it was something else, who knows? Giving the mixed signals I'm getting from her recently, I'm feeling a little sick now.

 

How do I deal with this? Do I ask her directly about it or play it cool and she what happens? She has been honest before and said she replied to a message saying she was in a relationship, and if confronted and it was innocent I'd look stupid. I don't want to do anything that would jeopardise things but clearly I don't want to be taken as a mug.

 

I really could do with some good advice from anyone that's been here before etc.

[alpha99]

I've been with my GF for 18 months and have written about that elsewhere.

 

We met online. I deleted my dating profile a short while later. She left hers. She said over early on in the year someone messaged her and she replied saying she was seeing someone, i.e. me.

 

Well, due to what could be described as being a little distant recently, I decided today to just randomly search out her dating profile. I did this without logging in as my account has been deleted.

 

well, it showed she's been online sometime between one week and one month ago, so basically. My guess is she's either been on to reply to a message from someone or she has just been randomly browsing.

 

any tips on how I might broach this? I feel like calling her right now and asking her directly but I don't know if that's the best thing to do. It could be perfectly innocent as she's mentioned before, and in only the last week we've had some lovely times together. I don't think she'd ever cheat but she may be considering ending things and looking elsewhere.

[No_Go]

I discovered exactly the same thing with my BF of 18-19 months not too long ago (see my last thread). Most people here advised me to leave him. His explanation was that he was not happy but not sure so he started browsing (and sending eharmony invites blah) then stopped. It was few months before I discovered. He stopped months ago, but still I'm not sure I'll ever be able to look at him the same way knowing he did that (even if he is real that he hasn't met anyone).

 

I'd say ask her directly, but don't expect to go smoothly:\

 

 

I've been with my GF for 18 months and have written about that elsewhere.

 

We met online. I deleted my dating profile a short while later. She left hers. She said over early on in the year someone messaged her and she replied saying she was seeing someone, i.e. me.

 

Well, due to what could be described as being a little distant recently, I decided today to just randomly search out her dating profile. I did this without logging in as my account has been deleted.

 

well, it showed she's been online sometime between one week and one month ago, so basically. My guess is she's either been on to reply to a message from someone or she has just been randomly browsing.

 

any tips on how I might broach this? I feel like calling her right now and asking her directly but I don't know if that's the best thing to do. It could be perfectly innocent as she's mentioned before, and in only the last week we've had some lovely times together. I don't think she'd ever cheat but she may be considering ending things and looking elsewhere.

[Gaeta]

* NO ILY in a full year dating

* She is unhappy with your divorce status

* She claims she has been hurt in the pas so she is reserved

* There she is on dating sites browsing a year in.

 

That is the relationship you want? This is the type of behavior from a woman you expect after a year?

 

Have you ever been in a healthy relationship? If yes, than you know this isn't right.

[alpha99]

Spot on. All the more difficult that I love her.

 

I don't know why she was on the dating site. Her profile has never gone away, it's just that she has logged in recently. Why do that if you're in a happy relationship. Maybe she was sent a message and was just curious. Maybe she was idly browsing. Either way, after 18 months I'd expect the account was closed anyway.

 

I have spoken to her briefly about 30 minutes ago. I didn't mention the dating site but just more generally about our relationship. She kind of laughed it off and said she couldn't speak as she was at her parents, and we shouldn't speak on the phone about such things anyway. I agree on the last point, so my bad.

 

I get the feeling when we do speak she'll say I'm being daft.

 

I don't know whether to ask her directly and risk pushing things completely in the wrong direction or whether to just ask her more generally how she sees things, what the future holds for us etc.

 

Any advice on what I should say/ask, not ask etc?

 

thank you in advance.