1 Year relationship - can't say she loves me! [update: We have split up]

[alpha99]

Well here's how it went down:

 

I called her up and we chatted. I told her about my good news. She was happy to hear it and asked questions about it. Initially I kept it light, was funny, we chatted about the day and we laughed more than ever, and she said I was nuts, in a fun way, and I felt like it was going really well. Then I asked her about meeting up on Saturday for a catch up. She laughed, said we've only split up a week and maybe in a week or two when things have died down. Then it happened... I know I shouldn't but I pushed her on this... and then we chatted for 4.5 hours on the phone...with mostly me asking her for an opportunity to show my full self and see if we can make things better.

 

The gist of her response being she wants more, thinks she should feel love and butterflies etc and doesn't for me. She thinks I'm great and has enjoyed our time together, but wants the chance to go and find someone that will give her everything. She doesn't want to settle for less than everything. I said I felt that could be me if we had a bit more time and we changed elements of our relationship. She didn't want to try. She said by this point she would know. She said she had been holding on for a bit just going with the flow and hoping that things would change or certain events could pass, but she also said she had been thinking for a little while to end things, that something had changed between us, and it was my prompting her on the phone about our relationship last week that gave her a chance to end things. Prior to this she did say that when we went on holiday a year ago she did feel like I was the person she could marry and have children with.

 

I asked about the dating site. I believe her answer. She said she'd opened up or reactivated an old email account she rarely uses and when she did she got thousands of emails, some from the dating site, so she logged in just to look but there were no messages from anyone. She said that whilst we've been together she has never looked for anyone else and had never prior to that time been on the site during our relationship. She did said she has been looking on there since we split, just browsing to give herself some hope for the future, but hasn't been speaking to anyone yet. I completely believe her when she said she has never lied to me.

 

So what happens next?

 

She said she needs space to be allowed to go and find what she's after. She said if weeks or months pass by and she realises it's a mistake that she's made then she will contact me about it. I asked her if she thinks things will ever change, if there was ever a chance that sometime in the future we might be together. She wouldn't completely shut the door.

 

I asked her to be completely honest, not to give false hope etc, I said that if you tell me now that you can't ever possibly imagine us ever being together in the future then I will learn to accept it and move on. She said that she couldn't say that, didn't want to say that. She said what will be will be, if it's meant to be, if our paths cross again then that's what will happen. She said I am a great guy, there's nothing bad to say about me, and she only has good memories of our time together.

 

So we ended saying goodbye, that we'd keep in touch. She said I was a very dear and true friend and that she did care about me an awful lot and wanted me to be happy. We agreed that we don't know what the future holds, and how we would maintain contact, but that we wouldn't repeat this conversation, but that some space was needed.

 

She agreed that once some time has passed, we said three months, we'd have had time to digest things and see if anything had changed, and that then we could reconnect and see if we wanted to have another go at things. We agreed that we shouldn't sit around counting off the days, that we'd try to move on and date other people etc, but that in three months that option is there to ring up and find out how we're doing romantically. Again, I made it clear that I didn't want false hope or pity, and if she felt we weren't ever going to be together again then just to tell me, but she said, no, three months is fine, just live your life, sort your stuff out, don't wait on me, you'll probably meet someone else as you're a wonderful guy, but there's no harm in ringing up and asking in a few months' time.

 

*********************

 

So there it is. It's over. At no point during the phone call did I feel the intense pain I did last week. Now I just feel a low hanging profound sadness and loneliness. The thought of not seeing her in my life on a regular basis is hard. She agreed that it has been an incredibly hard thing to do.

 

I wish her happiness. I do just wish it was with me. She of course intends to date but has said that it will be hard given the lack of free time she has available. In the early part of our chat about day to day things she was telling me how she had taken on more responsibility at work and how busy she was. Whilst I will move on and maybe date myself, I do think we had something deep. I will try to reconnect with her in a few months. From a purely selfish point of view, I hope she goes out and finds that it is slim pickings (she'd said the only person to chat to her online this week has been substantially older) and then reconsiders her thoughts about us, is at least willing to see if we could build on the deep friendship we had. In my time I will work on myself, my job will make me a more socialable person. I will get fitter at the gym and look great. I will continue on with studies and move my career forward. I will look to go out on dates, to move on, and to be happy. I will always have a place in my heart for her. We parted on such good terms that I can't help feeling there may be something more between us one day in the future.

[Sweetfish]

Well here's how it went down:

 

I called her up and we chatted. I told her about my good news. She was happy to hear it and asked questions about it. Initially I kept it light, was funny, we chatted about the day and we laughed more than ever, and she said I was nuts, in a fun way, and I felt like it was going really well. Then I asked her about meeting up on Saturday for a catch up. She laughed, said we've only split up a week and maybe in a week or two when things have died down. Then it happened... I know I shouldn't but I pushed her on this... and then we chatted for 4.5 hours on the phone...with mostly me asking her for an opportunity to show my full self and see if we can make things better.

 

The gist of her response being she wants more, thinks she should feel love and butterflies etc and doesn't for me. She thinks I'm great and has enjoyed our time together, but wants the chance to go and find someone that will give her everything. She doesn't want to settle for less than everything. I said I felt that could be me if we had a bit more time and we changed elements of our relationship. She didn't want to try. She said by this point she would know. She said she had been holding on for a bit just going with the flow and hoping that things would change or certain events could pass, but she also said she had been thinking for a little while to end things, that something had changed between us, and it was my prompting her on the phone about our relationship last week that gave her a chance to end things. Prior to this she did say that when we went on holiday a year ago she did feel like I was the person she could marry and have children with.

 

I asked about the dating site. I believe her answer. She said she'd opened up or reactivated an old email account she rarely uses and when she did she got thousands of emails, some from the dating site, so she logged in just to look but there were no messages from anyone. She said that whilst we've been together she has never looked for anyone else and had never prior to that time been on the site during our relationship. She did said she has been looking on there since we split, just browsing to give herself some hope for the future, but hasn't been speaking to anyone yet. I completely believe her when she said she has never lied to me.

 

So what happens next?

 

She said she needs space to be allowed to go and find what she's after. She said if weeks or months pass by and she realises it's a mistake that she's made then she will contact me about it. I asked her if she thinks things will ever change, if there was ever a chance that sometime in the future we might be together. She wouldn't completely shut the door.

 

I asked her to be completely honest, not to give false hope etc, I said that if you tell me now that you can't ever possibly imagine us ever being together in the future then I will learn to accept it and move on. She said that she couldn't say that, didn't want to say that. She said what will be will be, if it's meant to be, if our paths cross again then that's what will happen. She said I am a great guy, there's nothing bad to say about me, and she only has good memories of our time together.

 

So we ended saying goodbye, that we'd keep in touch. She said I was a very dear and true friend and that she did care about me an awful lot and wanted me to be happy. We agreed that we don't know what the future holds, and how we would maintain contact, but that we wouldn't repeat this conversation, but that some space was needed.

 

She agreed that once some time has passed, we said three months, we'd have had time to digest things and see if anything had changed, and that then we could reconnect and see if we wanted to have another go at things. We agreed that we shouldn't sit around counting off the days, that we'd try to move on and date other people etc, but that in three months that option is there to ring up and find out how we're doing romantically. Again, I made it clear that I didn't want false hope or pity, and if she felt we weren't ever going to be together again then just to tell me, but she said, no, three months is fine, just live your life, sort your stuff out, don't wait on me, you'll probably meet someone else as you're a wonderful guy, but there's no harm in ringing up and asking in a few months' time.

 

 

man I wish you didnt do that...

 

its almost like you begged and pleaded....but in a sensible way.

[alpha99]

OK, I need a little advice here on what to do.

 

My ex has just texted me.

 

Her message read 'good luck with your new job tomorrow x'

 

Yes, I start a new job tomorrow. There hasn't been any contact since we spoke on the phone on Thursday. Despite my pleading we still ended the call on good terms. She is a great woman and clearly does want to continue to be friends. I don't want that. I want to be her boyfriend again.

 

So what should I do? Do I reply and move along straight into the friend zone, or should I just ignore the message? Another option I have is waiting several hours before replying, or even replying tomorrow etc?

 

My plan has been to go no contact since Thursday. I've been to the gym, cinema etc, and have been keeping busy, and feel a lot better about myself already, although of course I still miss her deeply.

 

I can only imagine she has contacted me genuinely as a friend to wish me luck and that there is no other motive involved in contacting me. Whilst I'd love to engage in conversation with her, I don't want to do so if it's only going to lead to friendship.

 

I've read a lot of no contact guides but at the same time I don't want to be rude. I'm wondering whether a simple 'thanks' would be OK?

 

Of course the worry for everyone in this situation is that they think you're being childish, rude, ignorant or whatever and that only reinforces that they made the correct decision in splitting up, and they don't bother to make contact again.

 

The perceived positive of ignoring her is that she starts to wonder why I haven't replied and becomes curious, but given our epic nearly five hour phone conversation I'd imagine it would seem slightly incredulous to her that in three days I no longer cared etc.

 

If anything at least it shows she has been thinking about me today.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

***edit***

 

I should add that I'm leaning towards waiting several hours and replying with a simple 'thanks'. What do yo all think?

 

***edit 2***

 

At risk of over analysing this, my ex goes to church on a Sunday and then to her folks for a while. My guess is that she's either still there at her folks or she's now back home where she will work alone all evening in preparation for her work tomorrow. Again, over analysing I know, but it's likely she hasn't seen many people over the weekend as she tends to work at home and may have only just seen her parents at church and afterwards and that's it. I personally think she's just being nice but I thought I'd add some context.

Edited November 13, 2016 by alpha99

[TooRational]

You story is so similar to mine it's scary. She also broke up on good terms, after I prompted her on the phone. We had this long talk too one week after the breakup (in person though). She also couldn't shut the door completely to a future together. I also met her 2 months after separating from my wife, still legally married with kids. I loved her more than she loved me, etc. There are more similarities but you get the point.

 

I've been in the exact situation you're in right now. She wanted to keep contact and stay friends. She would text me every 3-4 days about random stuff. To wish me happy father's day for example. That was pure torture for me. I kept looking for small signs of hope and of course I would find some. For example, she would often end her e-mails to me with "xx". I over-analyzed this of course, just like you're doing. What does two x's mean? She used to sign with 3 x's, now just two but hey it's better than nothing, maybe there's still hope, etc...

 

In the end I knew that to truly recover from this I couldn't just stay friends. You know this too. What I did is that I wrote her an e-mail 3 weeks into the breakup, asking about our future chances together, telling her about the signs I was getting (called breadcrumbs here). She still couldn't shut the door completely but was pretty clear that there was no turning back. I then politely told her that it's better if we cut contact completely as I find it unhealthy to stay friends with someone I still love. She respected this request and we have been NC for 4 months now (or maybe 5?).

 

I know that she looks down on some of her exes that keep contacting her back even after she's clearly told them that she's not interested anymore. So at the very least, she'll respect me for my attitude.

 

NC is good for two purposes. If you want her back eventually, NC is the best way to go. The old relationship needs to die for a new one to be able to bloom again. That takes time. NC is also the best way to heal yourself. So it's a win-win.

 

Good luck.

[alpha99]

Hey TooRational,

 

Our stories are incredibly similar. I hope for a different ending though ha! I know what you mean attaching meaning to kisses in texts etc. Her text has a X on the end. Often when together she wouldn't even write kisses at the end! She was clear on where she stood the other day, and I know she's not the type to play games, so this is almost certainly how it appears on the face of it, a good luck text.

 

Oh I just don't know what to do. It's now been 5.5 hours since her text. I've been out this evening and just got back. I was thinking I'd reply saying thanks, then I thought I'd leave it, but that seems rude, but I don't want to break NC, but I sense no other motive than her being nice and genuinely wishing me luck, so am I being childish? It would be different if she sent a message saying hey, how's your day been? but this is just a simple good luck message as I wrote above.

 

I am trying NC and I feel it's working in the sense of making me feel better, but I don't her to move on, and I don't want to be rude.

 

Does anyone else have an opinion?

[Apricotjelly90]

Her message is just a statement, I believe she's being genuine but since it doesnt have a question mark she is not expecting you to reply so it wouldn't come off as rude if you leave it as it is. I know its hard but I would say its not a good enough opportunity for you to break NC and you'll have a greater chance with her if you just continue to ignore her

[alpha99]

My fear is the usual one, if I don't reply will she take the huff and just move on and ignore me. I guess she's thought enough about me today to send the message, so she's clearly not forgotten about me yet ha!

 

I am not going to reply. It is just a statement. When together I'd send such messages and she wouldn't always reply - and that was when we were together! If I do, although it may seem like I'm simply being nice, ultimately I'm breaking NC for no good reason. Yes, my heart is saying it's OK to reply but I do know that I'd just be heading closer to being a friend, and ultimately more heart break. I suppose that if we are ever to get back together she would have to send different kinds of text, and whilst that doesn't even seem likely, if I don't give her the chance to miss me then I reduce that chance further.

 

Am I making sense?

 

Also, what if she texts tomorrow asking how it went? Or, holding my breath here, calls me? How would I deal with those?

[Sweetfish]

My fear is the usual one, if I don't reply will she take the huff and just move on and ignore me. I guess she's thought enough about me today to send the message, so she's clearly not forgotten about me yet ha!

 

I am not going to reply. It is just a statement. When together I'd send such messages and she wouldn't always reply - and that was when we were together! If I do, although it may seem like I'm simply being nice, ultimately I'm breaking NC for no good reason. Yes, my heart is saying it's OK to reply but I do know that I'd just be heading closer to being a friend, and ultimately more heart break. I suppose that if we are ever to get back together she would have to send different kinds of text, and whilst that doesn't even seem likely, if I don't give her the chance to miss me then I reduce that chance further.

 

Am I making sense?

 

Also, what if she texts tomorrow asking how it went? Or, holding my breath here, calls me? How would I deal with those?

 

 

can I ask you a question? Do you think your ready to be back in this relationship.. I don't because your in the middle of your improvement stage.

[WomenWubber]

Quite frankly you don't make much sense to me. Your head seems all kinds of messed up... over a text message.

 

These two months will be a rollercoaster for you that's for sure. Be sure to update how all went.

[TooRational]

If you want to commit to NC, then reply and tell her that you want her to stop contacting you. Otherwise it's not really NC, it's just you playing games. Like you wondering when/how to reply, how she's gonna react, etc... The whole point of NC is to stop the anxiety associated with exactly the kind of interaction you have right now.

 

People recommend blocking the ex but I think that going this route is kinda rude. Much simpler to simply ask the ex to stop contacting you. Hopefully she will. If not then you can resort to blocking.

[alpha99]

Well, my first day in the new job went well. It's really maddening thought that although everyone was really nice and I had to read through to policy documents, my mind kept drifting to my ex. I miss her so much.

 

Anyway, last night I did reply to her text. I just said 'thanks'. My reply was over 7 hours after she had text me. I didn't expect nor have I had any response.

 

It is incredibly hard to think about anything other than her but that's what I'm trying to do. When I finish this message, now I've had my evening meal, I'm going to let it settle before heading to the gym and then on to the cinema - just to keep busy. I have plans for Tuesday and Thursday, and will no doubt find something to do Wednesday.

 

Including me I think my ex has had now 6 boyfriends. She's said she's never been in love. Surely that should tell her something about how she feels things. She just thinks she hasn't met the right person yet. I do hold on to that thought that given she's spent her life so far and not found love, that her finding it online in the next 2-3 months seems unlikely. I'm sure if we were to give it another go and she saw positive changes in me then things would be different. I know people are going to say that you're needy based on what I've written here, and I guess I am still, but I am doing all I can to get away from it.

 

A better physique, more money, better job, all bringing about more confidence, and then my past problems with kids and ex wife sorting themselves out, I hope there's time for us to have another go later on.

 

In the meantime I am going to go out to more meetup events. There is already a girl going to the next one I've signed up to who looks really pretty. I don't want anything to come from that but just being around other pretty women will be a welcome distraction.

 

I've said before, and this sounds harsh, but my ex is not what most people would consider classically beautiful or overly pretty, although I thought she was, and so I guess at our age the pool of people to choose from gets smaller. I know I'm waffling now so I'll leave it here.

[ExpatInItaly]

She wishes you no ill will. She wants to see you happy.

 

But she does not want to be with you. She has made that point, many times.

 

Stop trying to convince her (and yourself) that her feelings are wrong. She knows herself better than you do, and she knows you aren't The One. It's time that you really believe her.

[TooRational]

What you've going through is normal. I actually had to take a day off work after the breakup because I couldn't concentrate. Time will heal things. I understand that the timing is terrible with the new job... Hang in there.

 

Don't bash yourself too hard about being "needy". You likely have an anxious attachment style (like I do) and it's not shameful, it just is. You gotta find a partner who will be compatible with your needs. To be honest, I doubt that it could be your ex from everything you wrote. In time, you'll probably realize this. I'll reiterate my recommendation for the "Attached" book.

 

You can expect, and deserve, a woman who will love you just as much as you love her. Can you imagine how great such a relationship would be? That's what I'm aiming for anyway. Even though I would love to be able to get the "highs" I was getting from the relationship with my ex back, rationally I know that she'll never be able to love me as much as I loved her, no matter how much I would change. I don't know if she's truly able to love. Yet, I would probably be too weak and take her back if she reconsidered. Hopefully I'll grow stronger with time. My goal now is to get over my ex completely so that I can start dating again. My goal is not to get her back. I'm not there yet though.

 

Be careful about a "rebound" relationship with that pretty girl from the meetup... It's not fair to a woman to start dating if you're still in love with your ex. You wanna date for the right reasons, not for an ego boost. Been there, done that

 

Keeping busy, meeting new people and working on improving yourself is a good strategy. Keep doing that and good luck to you!

[BC1980]

Ambivalence is not a good thing in relationships. I get the sense she is somewhat ambivalent about you. She enjoys the good but doesn't feel strongly enough to pursue this anymore. Those are hard relationships for the dumpee to move on from. I was in that position with my last relationship. It's can also be incredibly hard for the dumper to leave you in that case because there is nothing awful that is the straw that breaks the proverbial camal's back.

[alpha99]

I'm having a hard time of it today. I feel so utterly miserable.

 

My new job is going great but I'm the newbie in an office where everyone knows everyone else. I feel lonely. My job means I'm no longer able to pick my children up or drop them off at school. When they go to bed tonight I'm sat in all alone. I am missing my ex incredibly. I want to reach out to her. Sure, I could call her and have a friendly chat but I want more, only I know that at the moment that conversation would be the final, final nail in things.

 

I plan to go to the gym later this evening but that is only temporary relief. A friend suggests I should go and date and just keep it light and easy. He's in a similar situation and has more experience on these things. I don't want to do anything that would jeopardise any even remote chance with my ex.

 

I have unfollowed my ex on facebook, so we're still friends but I don't see her feed anymore. I still have whatsapp and know she visits the site we met on.

 

I miss her so, so much. Right now I'm not in the emotional state to speak to her without breaking down and no doubt pleading etc.

 

If no contact is the only remote chance of getting her back in the long run then that's what I'll have to do. We have spoken since last Thursday, so that's five days, but she did text and I replied on Sunday about the job.

 

What else can I do to distract myself? I want to move on but leave the door open, be in a place where if she comes back to me I will consider whether it's a good thing rather than the place I'm in right now, which is missing her an unbelievable amount. Her coming back seems a long shot.

 

How about this, the sister of someone I know wants to add me on Facebook. I don't know her, never met her, but maybe I should add her?

 

I feel so low, so miserable, so lonely right now. My kids are here tonight, they're busy right now as I type this, but once they go to bed and then are gone tomorrow I am left in a house all alone. I miss her, I miss her, I miss her.

 

I hope this No Contact works one way or the other. There were times today when I was at work when I was caught up in what I'm doing. The problem is at dinner time when I feel like texting or calling my ex.

 

I love her and I want her back. If I could do anything in the world for that, I would.

 

bit of a rambling post without much point but I'm just getting out some thoughts. I feel so crap now.

 

**edit***

 

just a reference to your point above about dating. I couldn't have another relationship now as I'm still in love with my ex. The hard part is that we spent 18 months together and within 2 days of splitting up she was online looking for someone else, and has been almost every day since it seems. I would like to move on but I am in no state to go searching on there for someone else right now. The fact that she is hurts almost as much as splitting up. Yeah, she may have prepared for it for a while, she did say she'd been thinking of ending things for a little bit, but to be willing to date someone else so soon, it makes me think I meant absolutely nothing to her at all - yet we had regular sex, held hands, kissed, enjoyed great times together, lovely days and nights out, great meals etc, talked of children, marriage, the future on a regular basis....and then boompffff

Edited November 15, 2016 by alpha99

[TooRational]

I'm sorry that you feel crappy, this will pass eventually. I suggest that you unfriend her on Facebook. Otherwise it will suck a lot of energy out of you just to have the strength not to stalk her profile. Otherwise it's like keeping cigarettes hidden in a drawer somewhere when you're trying to quit smoking... Better to remove the temptation.

 

Your friend suggests "light" dating while you say that you're certainly not ready for another relationship. Then you're not ready for dating. It wouldn't be fair for the other party involved. You seem like a nice guy. Don't go act like a jerk dating women right now since you're emotionally unavailable.

 

You say that you'd do anything to be able to get her back. You mean that you would be perfectly happy to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you back? Is that really what you want? You deserve better.

 

Keep posting. It's a good way to let the emotions out. You could also start journaling and/or write her a letter that you will never send. It's better than contacting her.

[alpha99]

Thanks TooRational,

 

I have generally felt better today. Work is helping as it a distraction. I am going to go to the gym in a minute. And then onto the cinema later maybe.

 

One thing I haven't mentioned here yet, my phone records call with one touch. I recorded the very end of our last call last week and have just listened to it again.

 

Why you may ask? Because I wanted to go over it later on once the rawness had settled down and see beyond my initial feelings on the subject.

 

Now, my ex is clearly saying that we both don't know where we'll be in a few months time, but she is open to the idea of getting back in touch. I asked her directly if at that point in the future we'd speak and talk about us and see maybe about going out, having a drink, and seeing where it leads...she said yes. She also said I may have met someone, she may have, who knows what the future holds.

 

I may be going over old ground here.

 

What do people think of the idea of getting in touch and speaking to her about day to day stuff if I can keep away from relationship talk?

 

The reason I ask is the same guy I mentioned before who has a site online that gives advice says that the no contact rule is OK is there's a deep love or you've had a big bust up or whatever, but if you parted of good terms then there's no reason why after a few days you can't ring up and try and attract them back. Apparently the idea for this is to increase respect, attraction and love, and this site gives some tips on doing that.

 

What do people think of that?

 

I could easily ring her up and not mention anything about us, not even ask her to meet up and have a drink as I did so disastrously last time. She would like to speak to me I know, as I would to her.

 

I want to get this right. I don't want to move on just yet. I've been trying in my day to day life to have distractions that stop me thinking about her, but I'm worried that if she didn't feel a deep love then she could just simply move on before we get the chance to reconnect.

 

In answer to TooRational, no, I wouldn't want to go back to a relationship where I didn't get the same out as I put in, but that's not to say our relationship was bad - I think it was great. I just think it's been a mixture of my own baggage with my soon to be ex wife mixed with her my ex girlfriends clear commitment issues. I sincerely believe that if we did things differently she would feel differently about me and we'd have the relationship that we both want.

 

I know you have to think of yourself at this time, and I am. I am now earning substantially better money than in my last job, and I am enjoying work more as each day passes. I am starting to feel better. I want to continue down that path whlist at the same time doing everything I can to improve things with my ex.

 

thoughts and advice appreciated.

[dumbass2]

"What do people think of the idea of getting in touch and speaking to her about day to day stuff if I can keep away from relationship talk?"

 

So you want to be her friend? Well, if you have no romantic interest in her going forward, than by all means do that. It's either a romantic relationship or friendship. One or the other and you want the romantic with her. And once you go from romantic partner to friend, my feeling is that you will not go back to the romantic side. I've been there. I suggest you stay away from contact or put yourself in the friend zone. You want more than she does. You put her in the position of still having you as a friend while she will be looking elsewhere for the romantic relationship and once that is found, then you will have to go.

[TooRational]

I don't think that I'm qualified to give advice on how to get your ex back if that's your wish... That won't stop me from posting I can only rehash info I've read here and elsewhere. The consensus seems to be that NC is the best way to heal AND get your ex back (however slim that chance might be).

 

Keeping in contact in a non-romantic way is just going to put you firmly in the friend zone, will it not? It also makes you look weak in the eyes of your ex if she knows you want to get back with her.

 

"Sure, I'm fine with being treated like a plan B because I'm not worth more than that. Just do whatever you want, explore at will, and if you change your mind, I'll be waiting for you". Women want strong men. This is not strong. This is being a doormat.

 

Of course there are tons of scams out there promising a way to get your ex back. Not because it works, but because there's a demand for it, quite understandably. But hey, if it works for you I'm happy for you. Who knows, I might even try to get my ex back following your success! I'm not holding my breath though.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ask yourself this, OP:

 

How much fun will it be to be her friend, only to have her tell you that she's dating again? That she's met someone from the dating site?

 

Don't do this to yourself.

[alpha99]

All good advice, I know, so thank you.

 

My thinking is not that I'll call her up and just have a friendly chat. My thinking is that I will call her up, be confident, be more assertive, make her laugh, and generally try to provoke a desire or attraction in her for me. Granted, that would be limited over the phone but I feel once we were getting along fine after a call or two then she would be more agreeable to meeting up. If we got to that point I would give it my all to try and move things forward, albeit in a patient way, I just mean I will go all out to try and get that spark that she's after.

 

I think the longer time goes on, the more she is likely to have met someone else, and once she does, then there's little room for turning back. Instead of sitting around and letting her forget me, I am going to try and win her back. If I give it my all, and do things in a way that does come across as weak, insecure etc, then I know I could finally walk away having tried everything.

 

I know I can't win her back by pleading and begging etc. I had the same plan last week but I fell through and resorted to asking her to go out. Now, she did say she didn't know at one point and that she normally doesn't go back on decisions easily. I pushed her too far and then she dug her heels in. I know I have to be more patient. We were getting along so well in the call, better than ever in fact, that I thought it was the time to ask her out.

 

I think I'm going to call her tonight. I do not want to be friends with her. Friends as part of a relationship is fine but not just simply platonic friendship. That won't do me. I want to find a way to win her back.

 

I will report back after the phone call providing I get to speak to her. I just know if she opened up a little and we got to meet I could help her feel differently about me. Of course there are plenty of other women out there but I would like to be with her as I feel we had a great connection. Clearly, she has said that's not enough, but I believe we can build on that foundation to have something else even better if we had another go at things.

[ExpatInItaly]

To be very blunt:

 

If she didn't feel that attraction to you after over a year together, she definitely won't feel it now.

 

She was trying to do the right thing in telling you she doesn't feel that way about you. She can't manufacture it, and you certainly can't provoke it in her either.

 

You really need to stop contacting her. Otherwise, she will just get annoyed that you're not really respecting her decision, and you're trying to control her feelings. But OP, you can't control how she feels. Refusing to back off and let go will only reinforce her belief that she made the right decision to end it.

 

I know you are hurt. I know it's hard. But you're doing yourself a lot more harm than good by staying in denial.

[alpha99]

Thank you for your honest response.

 

I think that we didn't give it our all in our time together. She was caught up in work, I had a lot of loose ends to tie up with regards to my ex, the kids, my house, being attacked etc. Most of these things are clearing up now.

 

She did say quite early on that she was starting to feel love for me. I believe I couldn't fully be myself because of all the things going on. I believe that if we had another go and I could fully be myself she would feel differently.

 

That's why I am trying to get that other chance.

 

I know it's a long shot but I love her so much that I'm willing to try...even if it means not working and/or getting hurt.

 

I cannot just walk away at this point.

[alpha99]

Update time:

 

I did call her this evening. It went really well. The call lasted 25 minutes and I ended it this time because I had to go.

 

As ever we chatted well. I focused on trying to make her laugh, which I did on multiple occasions. There was no relationship talk. She likes to talk about her work a lot which is a bit of a bummer, not because I'm not interested, I am, but simply because it doesn't allow the chance to provoke the feelings I wanted from her. Anyway, I moved the topic onto Christmas, which gave me the chance to drop in some fun innuendo, which she chuckled away at.

 

I ended the call by asking her when she was free for a catch up. There was some momentary hesitation but we have agreed to go out after my court hearing and her major work thing is done, both on the same day, in about 2 weeks from now.

 

We will speak again before then. In that time I will blast the gym to continue improving my physique. I do look a lot different to when she last saw me, even though it was only 2 weeks ago, as I've lost around 9-10lbs. I think I could lose that again in another 2 weeks. The main reason being I've changed my diet and I'm hitting the gym often.

 

I also focused on what the guide I'd read earlier in the evening said. That was to be emotionally stronger than her. When she said she couldn't make a certain day due to work I said no worries, it doesn't matter, I'm busy too, just give me a shout when you're free.

 

So anyway, we're going to go out and hopefully celebrate our joint good news.

 

She was interested in what I had to say, particularly news regarding the person who assaulted me a few months ago. We talked about things like we'd never been apart.

 

I know there is something more there than friendship - I just need to get it out of her somehow. I will continue reading more about how to do that in the coming days when I get the chance. I believe I need to be more masculine. I'm a really calm, laid back person, and whilst that's OK I do realise in myself that I've missed opportunities in the past through being too laid back. My ex has seen this too. So that's something I've going to change for the better for myself but will also appeal to her hopefully.

 

Who knows what will happen next. I did notice that she had been 'online' after we spoke.

 

So my emphasis is on doing everything I can to 'turn her on' when we go out in 2 weeks.

 

If anyone has been lucky enough to get their ex to meet up and go out with them after a break up, I'd appreciate some tips on how you approached things if they turned out well.

 

I will be more confident, more assertive, with no clingyness or neediness.

 

I've also been out this evening with some new people. I chatted to a woman most of the evening. There was nothing in it, just happening to be at the same table with the other people. It was nice however to focus on someone else for a short time.

 

Right, time for bed now. I may actually sleep properly for the first time in weeks tonight.

[TooRational]

Hey if you pull this off you'll be my hero. My hat's off to you. But it goes contrary to so many things I've read. In my case I didn't have the strength to stay in friends mode and hope to rekindle the relationship. The limbo mode was more than I could handle.

 

So I convinced myself that NC was the best path for me and I was willing to take the chance that my ex gets into another relationship. In fact, I think that if there's any chance of a lasting future relationship, we probably both need time away from each other to grow independently. That way we're somewhat different people if we ever get together again, different enough so that it's a different enough relationship. If we stay the same and go back to the same old relationship, we'll have the same outcome.

 

Different strokes for different folks. Best of luck to you.