1 Year relationship - can't say she loves me! [update: We have split up]

[introverted1]

 

Any advice on what I should say/ask, not ask etc?

 

 

You've been in a relationship with this woman for a YEAR. She has not said nor indicated that she loves you and has actively indicated that being involved with your children is not something she wants. It doesn't matter that she is good with kids or even that she likes your kids. It's a long way from liking someone's kids to wanting to be a fixture in their lives.

 

The bottom line is that if you still have to ASK about her feelings after a full YEAR of dating, it is safe to say that you are not on the same page and likely never will be.

 

Is this the relationship you want - one where you have to question and analyse and hope for crumbs?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, if she was even remotely invested in you, she wouldn't be "browsing" a dating site or replying to messages. By this point, she should have long since deleted her profile.

 

The fact that she hasn't and is still active isn't innocent. She is keeping the door open for someone else.

 

Also, please, don't try to reduce time with your kids in order to please this woman.

[Gaeta]

I have been dating my BF for a year and the sight of a dating app would give me nausea !!! nothing would have me log on there, not curiosity, not boredom, not a freaking gun against my head would have me log on there.

[alpha99]

Thanks for your messages.

 

I think you're right, I don't think she's been fully emotionally invested from the off. After a few months of dating I said I loved her. She said she had been feeling those sorts of feelings but didn't come right out and say it. Around that time she mentioned being hurt and so I've never pushed her to say such things. That's the closest she ever got to saying I love you. Throughout our time together I feel it's been mainly me chasing and fitting me. To be fair she does make an effort, comes to mine now, has bought the odd small gift, and definitely does consider me, so it does feel odd writing this as we've had lots of great times together, but on occasion I've wondered whether I'm just a time filler. Prior to me she hadn't had a boyfriend for years and years.

 

I remember reading after I'd split with my ex that women often don't want to bring things to a head so will sometimes withdraw and hope you do the dirty work for them, or things to that effect.

 

Anyway, I texted her last night to see when we could speak in person. She replied saying that she was snowed under with work (undoubtedly true) and that the call from me had come out of the blue. She said things has gone a little weird a few times recently and that's why maybe she was distant, and that she has a bit to think about.

 

I didn't mention that dating site at this point. I replied instead just asking how she felt about us, whether she saw a future, and where things stand.

 

Despite how this comes across on the internet in my posts, I do think she's a fantastic person and I think we could be very happy together. At the moment all I know is she's been on a dating site a few weeks ago via an old profile. That's not good in itself but I want to get to the deeper issues between us.

 

It's maddening having to wait. I feel like driving around to hers now to sort this out but it's 4.30am here and I don't think ultimately that would be a good idea.

[travelbug1996]

You are still married. Maybe she is keeping her options open because you're still legally married to someone else. I never heard of a 2 year separation, most states its 6 months to a year.

 

Maybe she worries that you will go back to your wife. I would be concerned and hesitant about emotionally opening up to a married man as well.

[alpha99]

I'm in the UK. Here two years of separation means you can divorce without tit for tat fingerpointing and blaming each other.

 

I am still married but have been completely open and honest about things. Yes, it may well be an issue as she has mentioned it before, but my ex has a new partner and new baby, and I'd never want to get back with her anyway, so from that point of view that in itself is not an issue.

 

My GF is reserved and not forthcoming in opening up easily, and I also believe she's honest to the core, so we'll have to see what happens.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Frankly, I would not take a relationship with a separated person too seriously unless I knew for a fact that that status was going to be divorced within a reasonable period of time and imminent. I don't entirely blame her for being uncomfortable.

[Gaeta]

My GF is reserved and not forthcoming in opening up easily, and I also believe she's honest to the core, so we'll have to see what happens.

 

Then ask her straight up why she is visiting dating sites.

[introverted1]

Alpha, you started this thread in July. So it's been well over a year now (it had already been over a year when you first posted) and nothing has changed. i'm guessing it's been 1 1/2 years by now.

 

You know the situation isn't right because you keep asking about it.

 

At the same time, you push back whenever we suggest that your "gf" is not on the same page as you.

 

It seems you are posting in the hope that someone is going to tell you that her reactions are not what you fear. I don't think that's going to happen.

[ExpatInItaly]

Honest to the core?

 

Yet she somehow failed to mention she is still on a dating site.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

[]

 

 

Finally, the other night, prior to the party, when talking about childcare, she said that if childcare didn't work out the way the way I wanted with the courts, she'd have to think about things again because she didn't sign up for 'this.' She's meaning that if I have my kids each weekend it won't leave any time for us to be together. I'm proposing different arrangements to the court.

 

 

I admit I haven't read every post but this comment stood out to me. This women who apparently wants to have children in the future, is willing to make a father see his children less.. and you're the idiot wanting to accept this!!

 

 

I'm sorry if this seems harsh but your children should come first, always!

 

 

I can't believe you want to give up time to see your children for an emotionally unavailable women who is quite happy to cheat on you.

 

 

Have some self-respect!

[olivetree]

Your gut knows this relationship isn't right.

 

You should both be head over heels in love with each other.

 

It really doesn't matter what her reasons are - she's not giving you what you need and hasn't been for a long time.

 

I think her comment about your custody arrangements was just a way out. She is just not very sure about you.

 

You deserve someone who is sure and all in to build a life with you.

[TooRational]

Agreed with all the posters above. She sounds emotionally unavailable or at least, unavailable for you. Don't just settle for the crumbs she's giving you. You deserve someone who expresses love way more than she does. Everyone does.

 

My ex was similar in lots of ways but at least she did say ILY at the 3-4 months mark. You case seems hopeless to be honest. Sorry

 

Stop longing for what the relationship *could* be. You have to evaluate the relationship for what it is *right now*. That's what's real. Gotta have this honest discussion with her.

[joseb]

How do you think this is going to work loge term if she won't see you if you have your kids around?

[alpha99]

Thank you for all the messages. The general consensus clearly is this relationship isn't right. Of course I'm finding it hard to accept that and would like it to work. I don't know if I'm fooling myself in doing that or just hoping that I have the wrong end of the stick.

 

Our only contact yesterday was a 20 minute evening phone conversation. I called her. We chatted away pleasantly talking about each other's day and general chit chat. I made a point of not mentioning my call the other day. I will do that in person. She made no reference to it either. Neither of us asked about the other's plans for the rest of the week. Usually I would initiate but I didn't this time and she never asked. Strange one. She ended with a speak soon.

 

looking back through texts, it was only last week she was texting me saying asking what we could do one afternoon as we were both free. She does live a busy life and so frequent texts have never really been common. It's not just me, she seems to take time to reply to anyone. It was only two weeks ago we went away for the weekend for a (her) family gathering.

 

In our call the other day, she laughed me off as being deep and meaningful. I persisted and later on in a text she said it was out of the blue.

 

I know I may be repeating myself here but I'm torn between thinking I've made a mountain out of a molehill and it's just that we're different styles of people in how we communicate, or that I am bang on the money and things will come to a head/end soon. My only consolation is last week she rang me to ask if I wanted to go to a show she was booking. Around the same time, only a week or so ago, we were talking about what to get each other for Christmas.

 

I've been speaking to a friend who has been very helpful with this. I've also read a lot online and some stuff from when my marriage broke up. I am going to ask her how she feels about us when we chat face to face, and dependent on the answer, lay out what I would like, which would be to have a timeframe for living together and what future arrangements might be etc. I will also of course mention the dating thing. I think going in there all guns blazing will only lead to her scampering away.

[alpha99]

Update:

 

My GF is coming over this evening after work.

 

I was out last night with a friend and she texted me for once asking how my day had been. Surely a good sign.

 

I replied but didn't have a good signal. I saw later on that she'd replied within a few minutes of my message.

 

The next communication has been this morning. I texted good morning to her. We exchanged messages back and forth. I then called her rather than the delay of typing out and waiting on messages. We chatted for ten minutes or so...the usual chit chat about work and the day etc. She was still in bed but starting to get up and ready for work etc. As ever it was a nice conversation...but at the same time a little strange.

 

When it came down to what plans were this evening she was being coy and saying I haven't got any. I was clearly asking with the intent we saw each other, which she undoubtedly knew but didn't suggest anything, and to which she finally replied "do you want me to come to yours then".

 

Now, the odd bit of the conversation is that normally when we arrange for her to come to mine we talk about eating out or having a drink, or cooking food etc. This time she said it would be too late to go anywhere and do anything. She said that she didn't know about food, it would depend on whether I'd had mine. I said if you want some food I can wait of course. She just said we'll see how it goes. The conversation moved towards maybe her staying over. She said she didn't know where any of her stuff was at home to get it together to stay, and when I said 'fine, but the offer is there', she said, cool, thanks. So overall no arguing, the usual pleasantness, but ultimately a reluctance to commit to anything this evening.

 

She did jokingly say she may just come over and sleep. She does have a big day at work with a major event going on, so maybe I'm reading too much into her reactions with that in mind and her having just woken up!

 

Finally, we exchanged messages this afternoon and arranged our evening meal. So it would seem she's not going to just do a flying visit and leave.

 

So...

 

Best case scenario, she comes over, we have food, chill, and have a talk to settle some of the issues I've mentioned here.

 

Worst case scenario, she comes over, may or may not have food, doesn't stay long and drops the bomb that we're splitting up before promptly leaving.

 

I have been reading about communication a lot recently, and how a small change in yourself can lead to a change in another. I am trying to initiate this in myself. So as part of that today I've been out and bought some new clothes etc. I already feel better about myself.

 

I'm wondering how I'll manage the evening though. Any advice as ever is appreciated.

[TooRational]

I think going in there all guns blazing will only lead to her scampering away.

 

Your relationship reminds me so much of the one I had with my ex. I understand how you feel. About the quote above, this is one issue that you need to address, for this and future relationships. You can't hold back on telling her how you feel for fear that she'll run away. Good, honest communication is key to a healthy relationship. If you can't be honest with her about your needs and emotions, you'll always be unfulfilled by this relationship. If you're honest with her and she does run away, then than simply means that you guys were not compatible and it's better that way.

 

You guys seem to be stuck in the "anxious-avoidant trap": Getting Off the Roller-Coaster: Breaking Out of the Anxious-Avoidant Cycle - The Love Compass

 

Good luck.

[alpha99]

Well,

 

She has just gone. We have split up. I'm in some shock but it was to be expected I suppose based on recent events.

 

I'm writing this now as much to come back to read myself at some point as it's all fresh, as much as asking for comments and advice.

 

We had a long chat. There were tears from both of us at times. She is adamant that she is making the best decision for herself and for me. I felt a wavering at one point when we talked about children and potential marriage. I feel she was uming and ahing but in the end she talked herself into making the decision. She said she feels we need time away from each other to see whether she misses me.

 

She said it's the hardest thing she's ever had to do because she could basically have everything she ever wanted but does not feel in her heart right now that it is what's right.

 

Basically my fears were realised in her saying that we get on great, I'm a great guy, she enjoys my company and being together, but she does not ultimately feel enough to continue on.

 

I listened carefully and then responded. It was all very emotional but polite and courteous at the same time. We chatted from around 5.30 until 8.45ish.

 

I feel strangely calm, but I'm sure it's the calm before the storm. There were tears on both sides at various points.

 

I am exhausted now and feel terrible, so will write more later.

[Gaeta]

I am very sorry for your disappointment and pain. You don't see it now but this is the best for you.

 

You were about to make changes in your custody to steal time from your children to give to her. You were addicted to her to the point of rejecting your children. Next time you feel that way know that's it's an unatural and dysfunctional devotion.

[alpha99]

Thank you for your kind message.

 

I would never however give up time with my children for anyone. She was saying that we wouldn't have much time together, which would have been correct. My children would always come first.

[Gaeta]

Thank you for your kind message.

 

I would never however give up time with my children for anyone. She was saying that we wouldn't have much time together, which would have been correct. My children would always come first.

 

Your words:

 

Finally, the other night, prior to the party, when talking about childcare, she said that if childcare didn't work out the way the way I wanted with the courts, she'd have to think about things again because she didn't sign up for 'this.' She's meaning that if I have my kids each weekend it won't leave any time for us to be together. I'm proposing different arrangements to the court.

Edited November 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[alpha99]

Hi, thanks again for your message.

 

I'm sorry I wasn't clear when writing that section you've quoted. I meant that she was saying if my ex wife got her way at court then we'd have no time together. My proposal to the court was to have different arrangements that meant I would have the children on a rolling basis, ultimately more than now, but allowing for time together on some weekends with her etc.

 

Anyway, moving on.

 

She texted me after she had driven home to say I hope you are OK.

 

I know the advice may well be not to try and salvage this relationship, but that is my intention, and I'm wary of messing up this crucial stage of our break up. Therefore my reply was along the lines of I understand what she was saying, and that whilst I would like things to be different, I respect that it was her decision to make.

 

Reading a lot online about this, it seems that a few weeks of no contact would be useful in getting my life together and allowing her a chance to miss me. Is that what any of you would suggest?

[Gaeta]

Reading a lot online about this, it seems that a few weeks of no contact would be useful in getting my life together and allowing her a chance to miss me. Is that what any of you would suggest?

 

After over a year I would suggest you simply move on to a woman that knows what she wants but, you want it differently so...

 

She broke up so it's up to her to fix it. Yes going no contact for a few weeks, usually 6 weeks is suggested, will allow you to distance yourself and have a better handle on what happened really in this relationship. As for her she will miss you or she will be relieved and move on.

 

You don't go ignoring her, you just tell her you are broken up, you need time alone to process everything and you can talk again if she wishes after the holidays.

 

Honestly, her text asking you if you were ok wasn't about missing you, it was about feeling guilty for hurting you.

[alpha99]

I hope this is OK. I am moving from the dating section to the break up section to begin this new thread.

 

I had typed out a long message there this morning but pulled the plug on my pc and it died. It seems more relevant here now.

 

Basically after 18 months or so together, last night my now ex girlfriend split up with me. It was mixture of calmness, huge emotion, and tears. She seemed to waver at points over what she wanted, with the thrust of what she was saying being that she lacked the required feeling she'd expect after such a length of time together and that she couldn't go on just for the sake of it.

 

Basically, I hope to use this thread to work out what went wrong and how I can win her back.

 

So here are some of the things she said whilst we were breaking up.

 

*She needs someone strong. She needs someone who doesn't need to be told to do things and I guess is her equal. She felt that she had to help me to do things and didn't want to have to try and change me.

*We are different people on a different page when it comes to work and children, what work means and how to bring up children.

*Due to her age, over 35, she is giving up on having children now after me due to the clock ticking. This was hugely emotional for her.

*We couldn't have got married in a church because I've been married before.

*She has seemingly grown tired of the constant background noise of family court and imminent divorce proceedings with my ex wife.

*After 18 months together she feels she would just know if she was in love, and she says she's not. We get on great, have great times, lots of fun, but she felt like something was missing. I believe this is because of my baggage and not being able to spend all the time we'd like together.

*She says we're like best friends. She also said it was nothing to do with me, it's like she has an emotinal barrier up, and that it wouldn't be fair

*She feels that if we had children in future we wouldn't be able to collaborate to bring them up.

 

I feel devastated right now. I won't reiterate the stuff I wrote elsewhere but I feel that if I can make changes in my life things would be different.

 

Within the next month I will have sorted out childcare via the courts and also be into a new, better paid job. I am also doing self study at home to change career paths at some point in the future.

 

Within a few months I plan to be divorced from my ex wife.

 

I am going to try no contact for a few weeks. It is going to be hell, and I realise the likelihood is that we won't get back together, but it is ultimately what I would like and I hope that some time apart will help to not only get me to feel better but also allow her some time to miss me in her life.

 

We both have big events happening at the end of the month and I'm hoping once those pass and I'm in a different job and space, that she will be at least willing to consider starting things up again as I'll be in a much more stable situation than I am now.

 

What do you think about no contact? Have you had success with it? I will be keeping busy and doing new things, as I did when I split with my wife but let slip when I met my girlfriend, so that shouldn't be a problem. I just miss her so much, and I know these feelings will pass with time, but I would give anything right now to make her happy.

[cucumber95]

Yes go NC, but remember that NC is for you to move on, but also to check if ex is missing you. If she does, and write to you then you can decide what to do, but remember NC is not to get her back.

 

Don't chase her, just focus on yourself now. It is going to be hard for now, but it will be easier.

 

Good luck, I hope you get this sorted, but no one knows what will happen, she might write to you next month, she might not write at all ever in your life, or write to you after couple of years.

 

Also my advice is do NC until she reaches to you.